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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

468 replies

ali444 · 14/04/2021 19:18

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
Rosewood017 · 14/04/2021 23:51

I hate serving food to guests.. and tea or coffee as I don't like either and have no idea if I'm making it correctly. I know I'd take those obscure extra requests as a criticism.

I have the opposite problem when I go to in-laws they always seem to add stuff that I don't like and I'd much rather just have a drink there.

I don't like mayo, butter or onions. That's it. And guarantee that they will serve up egg-mayo sandwiches, quiche lorraine and coleslaw. Think I have a rep for being a fussy eater now! I'd be thrilled with a plain cheese sandwich, no bells or whistles.

EscapeDragon · 14/04/2021 23:51

Mayo in a cheese sandwich? Weirdos.

HalzTangz · 14/04/2021 23:53

Tbf, all but one of the things your friends asked for would be found in most households. The pink salt is the one not so common.
But yes you are correct, they should be more gracious when at other peoples houses

Sandgrown1970 · 14/04/2021 23:59

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

A kid is a spoiled brat for being thirsty and wanting some juice?

And friends are cheeky fuckers for wanting to see you at home?

They sound pretty normal you know? I find it pretty shocking that you’ve labelled a juice drinking child as a spoiled brat and friends coming to visit you as CFs.

I mean I’m definitely not a dropper inner and politely ask friends if they wouldn’t mind calling first to let me know they are coming, but I wouldn’t label a friend stopping by as a CF. Nor a thirsty child enquiring if you had some squash as spoiled.

steff13 · 15/04/2021 00:07

Isn’t Himalayan pink rock salt just sodium chloride, just the same as normal salt. So asking for that is pretty wanky imo.

Himalayan pink salt has more minerals and less sodium than tale salt.

HalzTangz · 15/04/2021 00:07

@LagganBubble

Can someone honestly tell the difference between white & brown sugar in a cup of coffee? I can just about understand the Mayo request, and a straightforward 'no, I don't eat it so I don't have any' should suffice - but not the cherry toms & lettuce are cheeky, and Mr pink rock salt is just being a pretentious Jamie Oliver wannabe
I can tell the difference
steff13 · 15/04/2021 00:07

Table salt.

Rno3gfr · 15/04/2021 00:09

I like mayo with my roast dinner. You’d hate me.

Nsky · 15/04/2021 00:14

If you want these things bring them with you

AlwaysLatte · 15/04/2021 00:16

I'm sure people sometimes very innocently ask if you have this or that available, it doesn't mean they'll take it badly if you don't, if that they're rude for asking. I would say of the things mentioned that brown sugar, balsamic vinegar, mayonnaise and rock salt are cupboard staples but not so much Himalayan pink salt. We do have that but don't use it a lot so I wouldn't call it a staple. If I was giving someone a sandwich I would always put a little bit of salad in it or with it though.

AlwaysLatte · 15/04/2021 00:22

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice"
Our children only call fruit juice juice, but I've noticed that some of their friends have asked for juice but meant squash which I got wrong once or twice so always clarify now. I wouldn't call them spoiled brats for asking for squash or juice though - both standard things most people have and if not then water is fine, no problem for them asking though, surely?

Colouringaddict · 15/04/2021 00:28

I am a very fussy eater, but because of that, I have never eaten at anyone else’s house, apart from my children who grew up with my odd habits and will either make sure they have it in or just let me know to bring it with me.
Pink rock salt is a new one to me, I think they might just have been showing off!

starfishmummy · 15/04/2021 00:30

Actually, what is rude is turning up expecting to be fed (I’m assuming uninvited if the offering is a cheese sandwich)

We had relatives who would often turn up just before dinner on bank holidays. Once I overheard them send one of their kids to the car to "fetch the cake we brought in case starfish asked us to dinner!!

We were glad when they moved away, although the odd times we have to see them they often rudely bring up that we always have the same meal on bank holidays. No we don't, but our planned gourmet Grin meals wouldn't stretch to 4 extra CFs, so it was a case of using something easy and filling from the storecupboard.

Mamanyt · 15/04/2021 00:45

Well, for something that is typical to find, such as mayo, it isn't rude to ask, but neither is it rude (nor should it be awkward) to answer, "No, we don't care for it." LOL, one of my good friends loathes mayonnaise. When I go to her house, I carry a little restaurant packet with me. I'm not offended that she doesn't have it, she's not offended that I bring my own! She is constantly on about her weight, and keeps sugar substitute and sugar-free powdered creamer at my house.

However, I do find it a bit rude to ask about fresh produce or things like pink salt. I simply assume that if it is not offered, it is not in the house to offer.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/04/2021 00:51

I am a bit boggled that pink salt is seen as exotic and brown sugar as a basic!

I always have pink salt in as I find you need much less than normal salt. But never have sugar in the house and back when I did (exH took sugar and would bitch if there wasnt any), we certainly never had brown sugar in. What do you buy it for?! I can understand bakers having it, I use a specific type for a cake I make for my father, it really doesnt taste the same without it, but only for that which is about twice a year.

That said, I am low carb so the idea of having sugar in the house at all is not something I can quite get my head around :o

TinselTinsel · 15/04/2021 00:53

This has actually made me laugh because my brother has been telling me for 10 years that I NEED to have coffee sweetener and brown sauce in my cupboard (neither me nor my son like it so not happening) just in case somebody that visit wants some. WTF? I've also told him for 10 years , if you're that arsed, bring some when you visit and then taking it back home with you!

SilverStory · 15/04/2021 01:06

I don't know. On balance, I'd prefer my guests to ask if I have something in. Because we all have different tastes, and like different dressings/condiments with meals and drinks.

My husband would serve cheese + butter sandwiches without a second thought because that's what he likes for lunch. We usually have various condiments/extras like mayo, mustard, pickle, coleslaw, cucumber in but he wouldn't consider offering a guest any of those for a cheese sandwich. But I don't care for plain cheese sandwiches at all. If I served cheese sandwiches, I'd put out all the condiments and extras I could think of for you to add your choice.

To pp who way that sugar is sugar, I think there is a huge difference in flavour between white and brown sugar. I'd know straight away

Quaagars · 15/04/2021 01:38

Ohh pffft, that is well rude!
As if you'd go asking for pink rock salt or mayo or anything lol.
Haven't they heard the saying "get what you're given?!"
YANBU

Quaagars · 15/04/2021 01:42

Oh and we always do have some pink rock salt Grin (We must be fancy) (we're really not fancy lol)
Just no way would you go asking for it at someone else's house, or expecting your sauces preferences to be adhered to.
As, am a guest and all.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/04/2021 02:09

YANBU.

I don't drink tea. Single mum with small children (who also don't drink tea being 5 and 8). I don't have oodles of visitors so don't see the point of having teabags in, and because I don't drink it I'd never think to put any in my trolley.

When I do have visitors I often wonder if, when I think I'm saying "sorry I don't have any teabags in" I'm actually saying "could you please saw your left hand off so I can fry it and pop it in a sandwich, I'm famished" judging by their recoiling horrified reaction. It actually annoys me how some people can't function for more than 25 seconds without guzzling down a 'brew', lest they pass out from lack of boring hot drink. The way some people go on about tea you'd think a cuppa gave you multiple orgasms with every sip

Siepie · 15/04/2021 02:25

You are pointing out that the host is doing a mediocre job, you are pointing out that what is offered to you is not suitable. On what planet is that not rude?

The last time I had friends over for dinner, one asked me if I had ketchup. I said "no, sorry, neither of us like it." The friend ate her burger without ketchup and neither of us were offended.

I didn't know I was supposed to feel I was doing a 'mediocre job' because a friend likes tomato sauce Confused

Krabapple · 15/04/2021 02:59

I am going to go against the grain here and say yabu. I don’t think any of its weird - asking for Mayo or brown sugar is not designed to make you feel crap - just a preference. Same with the skimmed milk - I can’t stand full fat in drinks so would rather have none. I don’t think it’s rude to say that. The pink rock salt is s bit odd. If you know people well enough to be feeding them surely they are comfortable enough to ask you for a bit of sauce for a sandwich?

steff13 · 15/04/2021 03:02

Brown sugar had molasses in it. If course it tastes different from white sugar. We use it for baking, to put in oatmeal, stuff like that.

Embracingthechaos · 15/04/2021 03:45

What's wrong with simply asking?

If someone offers me a brew then I will always ask if they have skimmed milk because I'm trying to lose weight. If they don't then I certainly wouldn't complain or make a fuss, and would thank them graciously for the brew, but I can't see what's wrong with me asking.

AmberItsACertainty · 15/04/2021 04:20

The problem with asking for this or that, and why it's so rude, is because you don't know your friends financial circumstances.

Whether they have the items in question is irrelevant. A simple request for half a cup of milk in your tea because that's how you like it, could force your host into the position of either having to have water on their cornflakes tomorrow morning or having to explain to you just how skint they are.

A kind person doesn't risk embarrassing their friends. If you're offered something to eat or drink at someone's home, either accept it as it comes and be grateful or politely decline their offer. Anything else is the height of bad manners.