To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

[ali444]

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

I’m assuming the OP isn’t coming back, but I think the crux of the matter is whether she’s invited people to lunch or they’ve just ‘popped in’ and then expected to be fed. The impression I got was it’s the latter - in which case, wanting to know where the lettuce and cherry tomatoes are is a bit wanky. For all that some posters are saying they’re a staple, lettuce isn’t something I buy often and I don’t particularly like raw tomatoes. However, cherry tomatoes is something I’d probably buy if I’d invited people to lunch and was planning on serving salad.

I do find posts saying ‘I don’t know why I should be expected to have tea and sugar in the house’ a bit odd. Yes, being expected to have salad or other perishables available just in case of guests is daft, but the majority of people like tea and coffee. Buy a pound shop box of teabags and it could last you for years. I hate coffee, but I have a jar of instant for guests. (Although I admit it doesn’t last in the same way teabags do - I once offered a guest a coffee and opened the jar to discover it had turned grey Thankfully I had some sachets!)

Lastly, I’m somewhat perplexed by the number of people who would have to ‘force down’ a cheese sandwich or would need something to ‘get it down their throat’. It’s a cheese sandwich, not a Bushtucker Trial.

Lastly, I’m somewhat perplexed by the number of people who would have to ‘force down’ a cheese sandwich or would need something to ‘get it down their throat’. It’s a cheese sandwich, not a Bushtucker Trial.

Are bushtucker trials exceptionally dry and claggy? You seem to assume that people would struggle to eat it due to disgust or dislike rather than a physical difficulty of actually swallowing down very dry and claggy foods.

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

Used to be friends no doubt as they couldn't stand your rudeness any more! A normal person response would be "I don't have any juice, would you like water or milk?"

This thread is a bit bonkers:

a) Too many easily offended posters
b) Posters who don't know how to be a good host
c) Posters who aren't assertive enough to just say I don't have enough food in the house to feed you
d) Some socially unaware posters who think that having some teabags in the house is a massive imposition, especially if they have regular tea drinking visitors
e) Some socially unaware visitors who drop in unexpectedly on people at mealtimes and expect to be fed
f) Some rather joyless posters who think that drinking tea/coffee is a vice, especially if they want milk and or sugar in it.
g) Posters who don't understand that a lot of people do find a cheese sandwich without anything to moisten it rather dry.

I totally get that people's lifestyle and preferences are different. If someone drops in unexpectedly it is unreasonable to expect the host to completely meet their wants. However, if you have invited someone round who drinks tea with milk in it would be unreasonable to not have some in.

When I do have visitors I often wonder if, when I think I'm saying "sorry I don't have any teabags in" I'm actually saying "could you please saw your left hand off so I can fry it and pop it in a sandwich, I'm famished" judging by their recoiling horrified reaction. It actually annoys me how some people can't function for more than 25 seconds without guzzling down a 'brew', lest they pass out from lack of boring hot drink. The way some people go on about tea you'd think a cuppa gave you multiple orgasms with every sip

Their horrified reaction is at your epic rudeness and inability to cater to visitors to the tiniest degree. I doubt they come back and it's little surprise you rarely have any.

The amount of joyless, self absorbed horrors that must exist, based on this thread, is astounding.

Their horrified reaction is at your epic rudeness and inability to cater to visitors to the tiniest degree. I doubt they come back and it's little surprise you rarely have any.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hilarious!!

I've been described as many things but 'epic (over dramatic much 🤣) rudeness' because I don't get tea nags in for the 3 visitors a year I get has to take the biscuit. My god, how do you actually function every day if you think someone not getting in stuff they don't consume is rude to 'epic' proportions?

Brilliant thread

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

Lastly, I’m somewhat perplexed by the number of people who would have to ‘force down’ a cheese sandwich or would need something to ‘get it down their throat’. It’s a cheese sandwich, not a Bushtucker Trial.

Are bushtucker trials exceptionally dry and claggy? You seem to assume that people would struggle to eat it due to disgust or dislike rather than a physical difficulty of actually swallowing down very dry and claggy foods.

I don’t see a perfectly ordinary, if bland, sandwich as something ‘claggy’ that is ‘physically difficult’ to eat.

God, this is miserable and completely joyless

Blimey, not getting tea bags in is miserable and joyless? Amazing how different people have different definitions of the word

james ‘tea nags’ absolutely brilliant typo
Brown shugger
Pink Himalayan fault
Nay-o.
Could follow

@Rukaya

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

Used to be friends no doubt as they couldn't stand your rudeness any more! A normal person response would be "I don't have any juice, would you like water or milk?"

Given that the OP said this was in the 70s, the kid is probably at least 50 by now and has long forgotten his selfish demands for juice. He’s probably a restaurant critic complaining about the lack of Beaujolais Nouveau.

It’s quite inhospitable to not keep some very basic items for having guests/workmen/relatives stop by. You can pick up a small pack of Tetley and a bag of sugar in Poundland or Home Bargains for £2 tops and they last for years in a cupboard. It’s the norm that most hosts would offer a cup of tea or coffee to guests and not in the least extravagant or weird. I only drink lactose free milk but if a guest is stopping by or if someone is going to be doing a job in the house, I’ll nip to the corner shop for a pint of milk if I know in advance or send DH/one of the kids if it’s an unexpected visit. I like people to feel comfortable in my home.

Tea nags

It is interesting though people's perceptions of what a good host looks like, and how important it is to be a good host.

I always carry cereal bars in my handbag in case of emergency (came in handy the other day when I broke down...the car, not me) and if I was at someone's house and I was that hungry, if they hadn't offered me food I'd say "don't mind me" and tuck into my cereal bar. I don't have a breakdown (me, not the car) if I don't get offered my preferred drink. In fact I find so many people are avid hot drink drinkers these days that they don't have much in the way of cold drinks at all. I don't drink squash, I buy sugar free flavoured water instead (better for the kids teeth I'm told by the dentist than juice), I don't consider this epically rude if I have to deign to have a glass of tap water because there's nothing else for me.

Surely most people go to a person's house, fulfil the purpose of why they're there, and then leave at the time they want to leave and give very little thought about what happens in between? No? Just me?

They are rude not to bring something round.

I'd try and mentally put stuff like this in the 'it's okay for them to ask and it's okay for me to say I don't have it' category. As the guest it's a bit awkward because you want to ask for a thing but also don't want to make the host feel awkward. But if you do have it it's silly if I don't ask.

And my every day normal isn't the same as your every day. Pink salt my only be a quid in Poundland, but you hardly get it in just in case! I keep a few bits and bobs like teabags in for visitors but lots of stuff would just go out of date.

@Rukaya

When I do have visitors I often wonder if, when I think I'm saying "sorry I don't have any teabags in" I'm actually saying "could you please saw your left hand off so I can fry it and pop it in a sandwich, I'm famished" judging by their recoiling horrified reaction. It actually annoys me how some people can't function for more than 25 seconds without guzzling down a 'brew', lest they pass out from lack of boring hot drink. The way some people go on about tea you'd think a cuppa gave you multiple orgasms with every sip

Their horrified reaction is at your epic rudeness and inability to cater to visitors to the tiniest degree. I doubt they come back and it's little surprise you rarely have any.

The amount of joyless, self absorbed horrors that must exist, based on this thread, is astounding.

To be fair, I think with a lot of people it's not so much joyless and self absorbed but probably more insecurity. They are unconsciously concerned that their company isn't enough or afraid they will be judged for not being rich enough to supply everyone's preferences.

I'm aware I can be a tricky guest. I don't drink tea or whole milk because they make me gag. That makes me the visitor from hell for my Irish extended family. I also don't drink caffeine because it disturbs my sleep. If I go to someone's house and they have black decaf coffee or herb tea available I'm delighted. If they don't and I end up drinking water I still enjoy their company.

@Sandgrown1970 like I say I have very few visitors - I'd say 95% of my visitors are girlfriends coming over for wine and being very explicit that it's a wine not tea evening. I tell workmen they need to bring their own refreshments - I find all too often the people in paying eye watering amount per hours are very expectant of refreshments on demand, if you give an inch they take a mile and I'm often working while they work. Not a very popular MN view I know where the perception is the 'poor men' should have a Victoria sponge baked but I'm not that kind of doormat

To be fair, I think with a lot of people it's not so much joyless and self absorbed but probably more insecurity. They are unconsciously concerned that their company isn't enough or afraid they will be judged for not being rich enough to supply everyone's preferences.

Fuck me that is one hell of a reach. WTF.

No insecurities here thanks that I'm not good enough 😂😂😂 I don't get tea bags in because I don't drink tea. Really some things are that simple and don't need alarming amounts of over analysing to understand

@StrawberrySquash

I'd try and mentally put stuff like this in the 'it's okay for them to ask and it's okay for me to say I don't have it' category. As the guest it's a bit awkward because you want to ask for a thing but also don't want to make the host feel awkward. But if you do have it it's silly if I don't ask.

And my every day normal isn't the same as your every day. Pink salt my only be a quid in Poundland, but you hardly get it in just in case! I keep a few bits and bobs like teabags in for visitors but lots of stuff would just go out of date.

This!

I don't buy tea bags but pink salt is a must for me, it's a cut above.

Next time someone asks for tea I might say "sorry no tea bags but can I offer you any pink salt"

This isn't even about hosting, or what food you have in. It's about perception and negativity.

If I'm in OP's house and casually ask if she has mayo for the sandwich, she feels judged for not having it, attacked, mentally lashes out and turns it back on them and decides they are awkward and rude and the fault is theirs.

If the OP is in my house and asks for mayo for the sandwich, I either have it, so no problem, or I don''t have it and I simply say "none of us use it so I don't keep it in, I've got X or Y instead if you want". Even if I've nothing else, I just say so. I don't take it as a judgement of myself or my hosting, or a jab at me. I don't call the person asking rude or awkward, as they are neither. It doesn't even register as something to think about.

Nobody thinks you should have pink rock salt in your house in case someone ever asks for it. But neither do most people think its a heinous crime to casually ask if you have some either, especially when someone is making a salad in your home, so you have a relationship with them.

If a simple request for mayo is something that upsets you so much that you have to lash out, its not about mayo. And its not their problem, its yours.

I don't have sugar in my house because no-one has it in drinks and I don't bake. If anyone ever comes round and I make them a drink I always let them know I have no sugar. Then they either decline or have it without.

I don’t use sugar either but still have a little box of brown sugar cubes in a kitchen cupboard to offer to guests. Along with de-caff coffee, green tea and a packet of biscuits (none of which we use as a family, but they’re popular with many visitors. I think a thoughtful host offers choices rather than ‘I never buy those as I don’t like them’!

I’d be embarrassed if people came over for coffee and I had no milk, sugar, nibbles or alternatives like tea or de-caff!!

My mil and mum are both awful for this. Really specific stuff like "I like honey in my coffee" "lots of ice please" "I like the little pots of yogurt" as if, just because they like something, I have to have it in. I kind of feel like I'm running a cafe at times. The worst is when I get something specifically because they like it and they say no, and ask for something random instead, like nuts of a cereal bar. Argh.

I forgive them because they're lovely and I don't think they realise how rude it is.

I'd try and mentally put stuff like this in the 'it's okay for them to ask and it's okay for me to say I don't have it' category.
Same here.
If I know someone well enough to be going to their house then I know them well enough to ask if they have sugar/milk/salt/pepper/sauces. Same the other way round.

This reminded me of my brother helping me put out food for a family gathering at my house once and asking me if I had any doillies! Who has those?

I'm fascinated by the always have lettuce and tomato in. Here it depends on if I'm due to shop or not, so (assuming the guests are not invited) here there can be anything from a home made Greek salad, salad veg or nothing at all. I am due to shop and have precisely 2 cherry tomatoes and a sad looking pepper in my salad tray at the moment.

Sorry what's wrong with them asking if you have something?
You are totally unreasonable, if they are making a fuss that you do not have it then they are wrong, but to simply ask if you have something really isn't unreasonable.