To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

[ali444]

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

@winifredwells

I find it funny to see all the posters falling over themselves to boast that THEY would offer mayo, lettuce with their sandwiches...

In my culture, no one would offer you a sandwich so if you think you are looking superior with your extras, you really are not.

No one would call mayo these long-life Hellman's junk food jar either. It's grim.

But the difference is that some of us have been raised with basic manners, I wouldn't dream of commenting on being offered a sandwich, with or without your fake "mayo". 😂

Expecting someone with a small budget to keep what you think are basics when they don't eat them, they don't need them, for unexpected visitors is more than ridiculous.

I don’t think anyone is expecting the OP or anyone else to keep their personal favourites n stock. They are just asking their friend/relation if she has something.

I do actually keep a few basics in the house for other people. I dislike tea, caffeinated coffee, fizzy drinks and full sugar tonic water. However I am aware lots of people like these things so would normally have a little of each of them around to offer. However I can’t stock everything so sometimes have to say no. Just like the op does.

I'm always grateful for anything I'm offered. However, if someone gave me a cheese sandwich that was just cheese on bread, I would be a little surprised. It's a bit bland. I would never say anything though.

I think you're worrying too much about this. It's fine to ask 'have you got any Mayo?' It's also fine to say 'no sorry' it's not a comment on your personal tastes or finances it's just asking for Mayo

I think it’s pretty rude to ask for extra stuff that’s not been offered, unless it’s tap water! Different households have different food preferences...

Herbal tea: I’ve got dandelion or a spiced blend. So if someone said “do you have herbal tea” I’d offer those. But if they then asked for chamomile, having been offered what’s available, thats rude.

“What do you take in your coffee?” The polite answer is “milk and one sugar/ no milk and 209 sugars / milk and no sugar” or whatever, rather than a super-specific request for something “fair trade filter coffee with skimmed milk mixed 50/50 with oat milk and a teaspoon of agave syrup”. If the host had different types of sugar then itd be offered: if its not offered that means it’s take-it-or-leave-it variety.

For many, items like tomatoes, Mayo, lettuce, skimmed milk, are fairly bog standard basic ingredients you’d normally have in. Especially if you’re expecting visitors and planning to feed them, as you indicate to be the case.

You write it like it’s the same as asking for pink rock salt. Which is a batshit thing to request, and it’s not the same, it’s fairly normal and basic. I’m not sure I’d think it rude to be honest if I invited someone round and gave them a plain cheese sandwich, but then I’d not provide that snd I’d add things like lettuce, Mayo, tomatoes etc as standard (as I know everyone likes those things).

I said yabu, only because if you made me a sandwich I would ask for Mayo, if you didn’t have any I wouldn’t mind. Although I have a friend who takes condiments with her everywhere, because she has that particular one on everything.

Thing is, I like another poster, couldn’t have eaten a plain cheese, bread and butter sandwich. It would make me feel sick, without anything to “wet” it, as it would clog my throat.
I also don’t think it’s rude for your friends/family to say “oh have you got any skimmed milk in?” As many people do buy different types of milk for different things (my inlaws for example buy almond milk for cereal, semi skimmed for tea and coffee and full fat for their evening cocoa) so it’s all relative I think. I wouldn’t assume someone is rude because they’ve asked for something. And pink rock salt, as weird as that is, it’s a recipe thing, surely? Like if I were making a Waldorf salad and there were no walnuts, it wouldn’t be a Waldorf salad, would it? So maybe they asked on the off chance?

I think it depends on the context. Often people make things to what they like so I don't think it's rude to just ask. I would prefer someone asked and had a more enjoyable snack or drink than to just swallow something down.

If someone is making tea I'll make sure to say no milk as I dislike tea and milk together, and really would have to force it down. Granted in that example I want less of something but equally, if someone is used to semi-skimmed milk in theirs then I don't see an issue in asking if you have it. It's pretty common and there's a chance the person might have it.

I don't think anyone is expecting you to buy things for them.

Voted YANBU because these people sound rude.

But none of the things listed are very exotic or expensive so YAB a bit U.

Thing is, I like another poster, couldn’t have eaten a plain cheese, bread and butter sandwich.

Ok, a caveat to my prior post - if someone gave me a cheese sandwich with butter on it, I'd give it back. I don't think I could eat that.

rather than criticizing you op a few suggestions/alternatives
forget the brown sugar pink salt bit
but - do you have brown or tomato sauce - I have (eons ago in another country ) been given them on a cheese sandwich or if you have some carrots you could suggest grating them - if you have mint sauce & onions - you can finely slice onions & mix a little mint sauce & place that on the side of the plate -
If I had a friend who I knew had restricted time or finance I would bring bits to supplement (I had an old auntie with no phone so I use to drop in with salad bits & cheese & cake & she would supplement it was like a picnic)

YABU. They’re just asking 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think of myself as having a lot in, but I would have mayonnaise, tomatoes, lettuce and brown sugar for sure.
Skimmed milk no - but what’s the harm in asking?
I’d never usually have pink salt, but I actually have an unused Xmas present of it - so worth asking. And I could certainly say no - but there’s rock salt just there.
It’s odd to be so bothered about people just asking.

And I think if you’re happy enough to make a cheese sandwich, then you’re unlikely to mind giving up a tomato if you have it - so it’s not taking the piss if you ask. Offering DairyLea and finding your guest helping themselves to your smoked salmon with it would be more of an issue!

They are well cheeky, op. When you visit someone you take what is on offer or do without.

I think this thread shows that there are 2 types of people in the world. The first type will get flustered, offended, or anxious if asked to provide something they don't have. The second type will just say "nah, sorry" and not give it a second thought.

I was the first type for practically all my life. I think it was most likely down to being a people pleaser, having severe social anxiety and from that constant feeling of shame that comes with being poor. If somebody asked me for a fancy sandwich that I couldn't provide it would trigger all manner of intrusive thoughts. Now I'm in a better place emotionally and financially the same request wouldn't bother me in the slightest even if I couldn't fulfil it.

I’ve not got that milk, sugar etc. Don’t feel obliged to buy stuff you wouldn’t normally. Oh I can’t do that day but I’ll let you know when I’m free (then instantly forget)

@Plumtree391

They are well cheeky, op. When you visit someone you take what is on offer or do without.

Seriously? So if someone gives you a sausage sandwich you’d never dream of saying have you tomato sauce? You’d never dream of asking for salt for your meal? Pepper? Mayo for your sandwich, you just eat it and consider anything else rude?

I’m perfectly happy for my guests to ask for anything they wish, if I habe it they are welcome to it, and if I don’t then I say no, I’d never consider it rude to ask, and nearly all my friends and family would just go look through the fridge themselves or I’d tell them to.

Isn’t Himalayan pink rock salt just sodium chloride, just the same as normal salt. So asking for that is pretty wanky imo.

The cheese sandwich issue, I think it depends on whether or not you were expecting a lunch guest. If yes, then I think you should’ve had a few more things to put in the sandwich. If no, your guest should just accept what they’re given.

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

This was back in the 1970s when there were no mobile phones or even caller number recognition. I got to recognise their tactics of ringing up on summer evenings from a call box when they were on their way. I just didnt answer such calls so they assumed i was out and went elsewhere.

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

Fuck me, a child who would dare ask for juice! Whoever heard of the like.
And yet, they were 'friends'. Hmm, sure they were ...

I do sometimes wonder how the perennially offended Mumsnetters - of which there seems to be a sizeable number - actually get through life.

I think it depends on the context and attitude of a speaker. I have a good variety of food and drink in, and would try to predict visitors' preferences if we were expecting them. In fact i'd usually discuss the menu with them first to make sure we were planning something they'd like, especially where children are involved. However, I wouldn't feel bad if I couldn't provide what they ask for. It has happened a few times, e.g. a certain type of tea, a certain spirit that we don't drink. I don't mind people asking. I would want them to feel comfortable enough to ask.

Ooh, this really kicked off didn't it..

If I go to stay at someones house, they ask if there's anything I'd need, for example if i go to my friends house, she's vegan and doesn't drink coffee.. so she'd say 'will you want anything i don't have' and i might say 'its ok ill bring some coffee' or she might offer to pinch some off her mum who lives upstairs.

If someones coming to mine and I know ive not much in, I might ask what they'd like, offer to get it or if I can't, ill tell them to bring it with them.

If they are sufficiently well known to you to be eating in your home, I think the ability to have sane and sensible conversations like 'I've no fizzy water, if you want that bring it with you' or 'have you got any mayo cos a dry cheese sandwich makes me boak' then... you have got an issue and need to sort it.

I've lived on pennies and scraping together for meals and I've had no problem at all saying 'theres cheese on toast for lunch but we've run out of ketchup, fetch some or do without' to my friends, because they are my FRIENDS.

I might ask, if someone offers me a drink, if they have any fruit tea... but if they say 'no sorry' then thats fine, ill drink something else.

I wouldn't however, be so rude as to say 'in future dear friend, I take fruit tea, not black tea'... thats really snotty!

There are ways of asking and ways of saying no, I don't see why it has to be such a big deal.

Also, am I the only one who thinks the OP just eats DUST?

Oh shit. Is juice only for children.

stares at cupboard full of sugar free squash, fridge with fruit juice
Damn ill have to chuck all this out as ive no kids and clearly, this is ONLY for children to drink!

A plain cheese sandwich is a fairly unappealing lunch option.

I think you need to distinguish two situations. The first is where you specifically invite someone for lunch and offer them the cheese sandwich and nothing else. In this case, YABU. If you invite people over for a meal, you should give them something decent. Or at least warn them that the food is likely to be puritan in the extreme so they have the chance to vote with their feet in advance. If you messaged me and said, "Do come round for lunch tomorrow. I have a block of cheese and some only slightly stale sliced bread. I'll whip us up some sandwiches", I would tactfully suggest a cup of tea or coffee instead. Cheese sandwiches have very little to commend them and are not my food of choice. Neither, given the lack of effort involved on your part, would I consider myself socially obliged to manfully gulp the sandwich down and say "That's delicious!" as I've done in the past for some of my friends' more exotic creations while secretly wincing. I'd much rather leave and seek more palatable fare elsewhere.

If your relatives inflict themselves on you, outstay their welcome and expect food where this wasn't the prior agreement, then also YABU to share your block of cheese with them. Tell them to sling their hooks. "Well, it's been lovely seeing you but it's time for our lunch now. I'm just off to carve the family cheese so do see yourselves out..."

And finally YABU because you could have instantly (and without significant extra expense) have raised the quality and attractiveness of your offering by sticking it under the grill for a bit. A cheese sandwich may be mediocre fare but the same cannot be said for toasted cheese, which is the food of the gods. No lettuce, tomatoes, condiments required, but suddenly you have something that people actually want to eat. So 1/10 for effort on your part.

I've spent years chopping garlic and have just graduated to a press. Who is your friend? Gordon Ramsay?

Op you have rude guests.