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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

468 replies

ali444 · 14/04/2021 19:18

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 15/04/2021 10:20

I wouldn't be offended by a friend asking if I had a certain ingredient. Especially all the perfectly normal things listed (pink salt being the exception, though still fine to ask...)

KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 10:23

What a lot of judgmental posters on here Grin

Calling someone "rude" never meant that you are "offended". You might be, but most people aren't...

Inviting yourself ,making demands and not respecting your host and the fact they are not wealthy is rude.

Having tea bags, instant coffee or squash does not make you a good host. Most people can't stand either, would be too polite to say anything, but will think it's pretty grim if you can't offer anything else but are smug about your amazing hosting skills.

If you are that fussy, instead of dropping unannounced and uninvited with demands, buy some supplies on the way and offer to share with the host.

Even when they are invited, friends and family don't turn up empty handed! So it's hilarious that on this thread it's suddenly the OP's fault for not having random items.

Rukaya · 15/04/2021 10:39

Inviting yourself ,making demands and not respecting your host and the fact they are not wealthy is rude

another one like OP. It must be exhausting to live like this.

Having tea bags, instant coffee or squash does not make you a good host. Most people can't stand either

It does make you a good host, and if you think most people can't stand isnatnt coffee and teabags, how do you think its multi billion pound market? Three out of eight units of liquid drinks consumed by the British are tea, of which 96% is sold in teabags.
How can you be so clueless and yet so rabid?

PS: this one...So it's hilarious that on this thread it's suddenly the OP's fault for not having random items
Spectacularly missed the entire point. Bless.

Hobbesmanc · 15/04/2021 10:42

I would feel like a poor host if I didn't try to make a plain sandwich, a little more interesting. Also I wouldn't be surprised if anyone asked for skimmed milk although I don't keep it in.

The rock salt request was from someone helping you prepare a salad presumably as you were entertaining. If someone asked me to make a dressing for example in their kitchen, it would feel perfectly normal to ask about ingredients available.

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/04/2021 10:54

I don't think they are rude to ask, you don't say what there reactions are to hearing no, they are rude if they make a fuss about your answer, though I have to say the Pink Rock Salt one is a bit obscure thing to ask for!

Did you invite your friend for lunch? I have to say if someone invited me for lunch and gave me a plain cheese sandwich I might be a bit Hmm because I'd always go to more an effort if I've invited someone to have a meal but I wouldn't say anything just think it. If it's just a spur of a moment visit that ran into lunch then I'd be thankful for what I'd been given.

CommanderBurnham · 15/04/2021 10:57

I find the easiest way to deal with awkward eaters is to say pop over after lunch. Then serve tea and biscuits at about 3. Job done.

Rukaya · 15/04/2021 11:02

find the easiest way to deal with awkward eaters is to say pop over after lunch

Wanting mayo on a sandwich is being an awkward eater?

Christ.

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2021 11:06

I also think maybe stop inviting peoole for lunch op? It’s the simplest solution. A basic plain cheese sandwich is fine but not the norm when inviting someone for lunch, and for most asking for some Mayo or lettuce wouldn’t be the faux pas of the century.

Others do agree with you, someone even equated asking for a bit of Mayo as the same as asking for the moon on a stick, which for some it would be. If you’re uncomfortable to be asked for something basic like Mayo or lettuce then maybe it’s better to have people round outside meal times, as for most people these things are not deemed luxury items,

eatsleepread · 15/04/2021 11:09

Bizarre. Some extremely strange posts here. Some people choosing not to have teabags in Hmm That's about proving some weird kind of point, rather than trying in any way to be a half-decent host.
I'm willing to bet that these people wouldn't go out of their way for others in general. I mean, really, what adults don't keep teabags in case someone comes round?! Confused It's so bloody miserable.

eatsleepread · 15/04/2021 11:12

Or just call them on it, 'Wow, way to make me feel shit. I'm skint and just offered you something fine to eat and you throw it back in my face.'

And there is no part of you that thinks this may be an overreaction? Really?
Maybe next time give them the chip from your shoulder to eat Grin

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 11:15

All this talk about politeness and 'omg, how rude' is painfully middle class.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 15/04/2021 11:18

@eatsleepread

Bizarre. Some extremely strange posts here. Some people choosing not to have teabags in Hmm That's about proving some weird kind of point, rather than trying in any way to be a half-decent host. I'm willing to bet that these people wouldn't go out of their way for others in general. I mean, really, what adults don't keep teabags in case someone comes round?! Confused It's so bloody miserable.
Completely agree. Competitive miserly behaviour that’s thankfully not the norm in most households.
Plumtree391 · 15/04/2021 11:18

@Creepygnochi

All this talk about politeness and 'omg, how rude' is painfully middle class.
Rubbish. Working class people are also polite, maybe even more so in many instances. and would be equally aware of and shocked by rudeness.
Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 11:22

Nope. Agonizing middle class. The most middle class to ever middle class. Working class people wouldn't give a shit if their guest asked for a condiment. Upper class would fall over themselves to provide it, or be apologetic that they couldn't, because by the written rules of etiquette it would be THEM being rude/a bad host that they couldn't.

LolaSmiles · 15/04/2021 11:24

All this talk about politeness and 'omg, how rude' is painfully middle class
It does feel a bit silly and trying to make a point.

It's never seemed unusual to me for people to ask friends for basics like sugar/sweetener/coffee/tea/juice etc. If they have it in then great, and if they don't that's also ok. Same if friends ask me.

I'm really entertained at the idea that asking about sugar, juice or mayo is somehow asking for fancy ingredients, or is a sign of an awkward eater or a bratty child, but you know if you went on another thread about food then there'd be claims that obviously everyone keeps extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar in because they're cupboard staples darrhling.

I think some people go through life looking to find offence.

Plumtree391 · 15/04/2021 11:26

I think if people drop in unexpectedly they have to take what is on offer or go without.

If they are invited it is up to the host to provide something decent. It doesn't have to be overly fancy or extravagant but some effort needs to be made.

If I was making a cheese sandwich for someone I would automatically ask if they wanted pickle or tomato. Those are basic things which most people keep.

I wouldn't expect anyone to ask for skimmed milk, rock salt, mayonnaise or lettuce. They are unnecessary for a sandwich.

Who doesn't have teabags? I've not come across that, or an absence of coffee (though drinking coffee in other people's houses is unwise). I don't know anyone who drinks squash nowadays except me, lemon and barley which I've loved since childhood.

KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 11:27

Rukaya

I haven't got one single friend who drink instant coffee or have any in their home.. Instead of insulting me, you should educate yourself and get out more. Some people have taste 🤷

Your insults towards the OP who admitted she is not wealthy are abusive.

Does it make you feel better about yourself? Do you really need to look down at other people to think you are superior. I pity you.

Plumtree391 · 15/04/2021 11:27

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for a condiment btw, it is usual to have them on the table anyway.

KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 11:28

The coffee machines, pods and so market is booming, but some posters think the whole world is on instant coffee. Hilarious.

JosephineBaker · 15/04/2021 11:31

YABU - it’s fine for people you know well enough to feed to ask for their preferences.
If you don’t have it, no worries.

You’re carrying a big chip on your shoulder. This is about your defensiveness about poverty rather than the being CF.

A plain cheese sandwich is not anything I’d personally feed anyone older than a toddler because I find them bland. That’s ok, as is you liking them. But it’s not rude to ask for something to make it more to your taste

You seem to resent them and judge them as unreasonable when you could just say no.

KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 11:31

Who doesn't have teabags?

Honestly? Plenty of people. It might be less usual for native brits in this country, but the opposite is true among other non-native residents...

Many people genuinely can't stand the taste of black cheap tea that has to be covered with milk to become drinkable.

It's very weird to expect everyone to have everything you want when you arrive unannounced and uninvited.

Rukaya · 15/04/2021 11:32

I haven't got one single friend who drink instant coffee or have any in their home.. Instead of insulting me, you should educate yourself and get out more. Some people have taste

We get it, you think you're something. Your friends aside,80% of British households buy instant coffee. How about you take our nose out of the coffee pot and educate yourself?

Does it make you feel better about yourself? Do you really need to look down at other people to think you are superior. I pity you

I can only assume you are talking to yourself here. You poor creature.

Rukaya · 15/04/2021 11:32

your

Rukaya · 15/04/2021 11:34

It's very weird to expect everyone to have everything you want when you arrive unannounced and uninvited

Who said anything about arriving unannounced or uninvited? Or for that matter, expecting everyone to have everything you want? No-one, that's who. Are you quite well?

Crazycatlady007 · 15/04/2021 11:35

I find that people are really fussy and funny about food and drink these days. I agree that visitors should gratefully accept what is offered. I had a mum over to my house for coffee once and she said ' This coffee is awful.' Funnily enough she was never invited back.