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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult son pushing my patience to the limit.

144 replies

Welshgal78 · 14/04/2021 18:03

I'm seriously at the end of my tether! Just had another massive row with my ds (20) he's being incredibly inconsiderate and selfish at the moment, making lots of noise every night til gone 5am, chatting to his American friends on-line

Just now he handed me ear plugs he'd ordered online, I shouldn't need ear plugs in my own home, because of my own ds, I've had to use them in the past because of inconsiderate neighbours who don't care, but I feel like my ds should care that he's waking me up early hours almost every night because he's too lazy to type to his friends instead of talking (loudly)

I tried to compromise with him and said please no noise after 2:30am on weekdays, I thought that was more than fair, but now he's stormed off to his room again telling me I'm being unreasonable. He's 20 not 2 but it feels like these days the only person he cares about is himself.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 15/04/2021 08:55

As you're joint tenants and both contributing towards the rent then its stalemate and it may have to be earplugs. I think you'd have got different replies if you'd stated this in your op. Good luck with finding somewhere else to live.

Barney60 · 15/04/2021 09:07

2.30AM!! no way would i tolerate this.
Tell him no calls after 10pm if hes shouting.
If he needs to contact friends tell him to type, your house as others have said your rules, i assume you get up for work get him up with you tell him to talk to his friends then.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 15/04/2021 09:10

Christ, this sounds like my STBXH (who I'm forced to live with at the moment). He's 45, and loves nothing more than shrieking like a schoolgirl at twat o'clock in the morning with his online gaming mates.

He's actually taken holiday from work today because he's "tired".

I haven't RTFT, but get the entitled little shit told, OP - I can tell you from bitter experience that it rarely gets better.

UCOinanOCG · 15/04/2021 09:18

@Barney60

2.30AM!! no way would i tolerate this. Tell him no calls after 10pm if hes shouting. If he needs to contact friends tell him to type, your house as others have said your rules, i assume you get up for work get him up with you tell him to talk to his friends then.
It's not her house her rules though is it? It was his tenancy then she moved in to share the tenancy so the house is equal between both parties. No one is right and no one is wrong. They both have different priorities.
TheTeenageYears · 15/04/2021 09:36

I'm struggling to get beyond a tenancy being passed down - at what point would reassessment be required? No wonder there's a social housing shortage.

LindaEllen · 15/04/2021 09:50

Sorry but if he wants to do whatever the hell he wants, he can move out and pay for a place of his own. My partner's son hates us for this, because he feels that now he's an adult (he's actually still 17 but whatever) in sixth form he should choose his own bedtime (i.e. he also wants to game noisily all night).

We say he can absolutely choose his own bedtime, but the burglar alarm goes on when we go to bed (we can't trust him to remember to set it), and the internet goes off. Meaning no computer and no running up and down the stairs (which also wakes us up as he's like an elephant the way he moves around the house). He can stay up all night if he wants to, but he can do it quietly, in his room, and has to get up for college the next day.

I don't care if this means he still gets told when to go to bed when he's 40 - so long as he's living with us, he lives by whatever rules allow us to sleep.

ceilingsand · 15/04/2021 10:30

I think you'll find you can afford to move. If you can pay half there (and I bet it's more), you can elsewhere. Even if you share, share with someone considerate.

Laggartha · 15/04/2021 10:32

Sorry but if he wants to do whatever the hell he wants, he can move out and pay for a place of his own.

It is a place of his own! Or at least as much his as it is hers.

GoWalkabout · 15/04/2021 10:51

Of course he should be more considerate. But I have some sympathy if his social life is in another time zone, and they talk not text, I do think he needs to have the freedom as a contributing adult to speak to them. Friends are important to his social development. Can he go to a point further away from you in the property?

AsterixGoesCamping · 15/04/2021 13:32

@GoWalkabout

Of course he should be more considerate. But I have some sympathy if his social life is in another time zone, and they talk not text, I do think he needs to have the freedom as a contributing adult to speak to them. Friends are important to his social development. Can he go to a point further away from you in the property?
He is also an adult living with another adukt and should have learnt to be respectful of that person.

If he wants to speak to "friends" in a different time zone, then HE needs to find a way to do that wo disturbing everyone else in the house.
Thsi is true when it's his mum. It would be true for a gf, friends, other lodgers etc....

Allwokedup · 15/04/2021 13:45

He’s being awful

Twoforthree · 15/04/2021 22:24

I want my ds to have a social life. During lockdown this was it. Have some consideration for his needs too. Earplugs may be that compromise.

Smashedavacado · 16/04/2021 09:55

OP I really think you need to check your tenancy. Your DS is clearly registered as living there but is his name actually on the tenancy? As you say he would not have been able to sign a tenancy at 15 but was he asked to do so at 18? I have worked for a HA & this would be very rare in my experience.
I am not saying this to suggest you use this to ask him to move but I do think it could adjust the balance of power in both your minds.
I assume you've been paying the rent since you moved back when he was 15 and supported him in every other way. You are certainly not a lodger - the flat is your family home.
Just one more thing - in our area social housing tenancies are like gold dust - would advise anyone to think very very carefully before giving one up the long term security that they offer.

Smashedavacado · 16/04/2021 10:08

UcoinanOCG . "It's not her house her rules though is it? It was his tenancy then she moved in to share the so the house is equal between both parties"

Not sure this is entirely true. He was 15 & would not have been on the tenancy at that point. OP moved in to care for her DS not just to take the tenancy. It is undoubtedly both their " home" but the extent to which he contributes is unknown at this point. If he is awake all night it does seem unlikely he is earning enough to make an equal contribution.

Flowers24 · 16/04/2021 10:16

Really annoying the people who say he has to leave etc, it really isn't that simple and you clearly don't have young adults. Why is he still home at 20? Why do you think? Who the hell can.afford to move out so young!

His behaviour is out of order yes so needs a sit down and a discussion to reach a fair compromise.

Allwokedup · 16/04/2021 10:59

I’d move out. Time to live separately.

billy1966 · 16/04/2021 11:23

His behaviour is appalling but he thinks he has you over a barrel.

Tell him clearly you are now going to move out because of his behaviour.

Stop paying for ANYTHING that he benefits from and give him a dose of reality.

Including no laundry, cooking shopping.

He is an adult behaving like a selfish prat.

I have a son that age and wouldn't put up with an ounce of that.

They type when on in their bedrooms, that noise is completely unacceptable.

Flowers
Elleherd · 16/04/2021 11:47

Agree with SmashedAvacado. Additionally you need to check if the tenancy is considered to already have been passed down once, leaving HA no obligation to continue housing, or rehouse either of you if one of you leaves, regardless of if it could be afforded.
It's common that if one partner leaves or dies, the tenancy is considered to have been handed down (permitted once) to the remainer/survivor and children adult or not have no right to be put on the tenancy or inherit it. (even if disabled.)

20 year old males with up heaved pasts aren't generally known for thoughtfulness and awareness, and their generations expectations and lifestyles are different from their parents. Generally it's a phase and maturity changes it.
But right now his behavior is selfish and unreasonable. He probably doesn't 'think he has you over a barrel' he probably just doesn't think at all!
If you're using housing benefit to pay rent and council tax then he may also be quite detached from his financial situation or obligations to you.

HA properties are often horribly thin walled, so apart from trying to get him to understand a more grown up approach as adults sharing, if he want's to be able to talk in his room, is it worth considering adding sound insulating 'plaster board.' (called acoustic plasterboard) for either his, or your bedroom, or both, if affordable? You can sometimes get it cheap if cosmetically damaged or pre-used. Any way he could pay for this even in increments? You might find he prefers not to need it.

Also is he using a head set that fully covers both ears? I tried my Ds's head set and it turned out I also raise my voice considerably when using it too, especially when being sociable on zoom. Removing it from one ear helped.

It's hard for them to behave entirely as adults when mum's still there demanding certain domestic standards, and not helped by the government and law treating them as not legally liable for their share of rent, bills or council tax, therefore unable to receive help when the pandemic struck, and many were suddenly forced into childhood financial dependence regardless of age or if their parent is able to support them all.

If you don't have lots of space or money to throw at solutions, sharing as a grown up family can be hard work. Listening, (really listening) talking, compromise, and patience, as well as continuing to take a basic interest in their interests (even when it's gaming) are key to establishing something workable when you're sharing but wish it wasn't needed.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/04/2021 14:50

@Twoforthree

I want my ds to have a social life. During lockdown this was it. Have some consideration for his needs too. Earplugs may be that compromise.
I have zero consideration for people who blast rap music and stay up all night making fucking noise.
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