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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult son pushing my patience to the limit.

144 replies

Welshgal78 · 14/04/2021 18:03

I'm seriously at the end of my tether! Just had another massive row with my ds (20) he's being incredibly inconsiderate and selfish at the moment, making lots of noise every night til gone 5am, chatting to his American friends on-line

Just now he handed me ear plugs he'd ordered online, I shouldn't need ear plugs in my own home, because of my own ds, I've had to use them in the past because of inconsiderate neighbours who don't care, but I feel like my ds should care that he's waking me up early hours almost every night because he's too lazy to type to his friends instead of talking (loudly)

I tried to compromise with him and said please no noise after 2:30am on weekdays, I thought that was more than fair, but now he's stormed off to his room again telling me I'm being unreasonable. He's 20 not 2 but it feels like these days the only person he cares about is himself.

OP posts:

Crappyfridays7 · 14/04/2021 19:05

I have a 19 year old (20 in aug) and he’s in the room right beside me. He’s loud too. However he’s settled down a lot recently. The noise and swearing from his room was horrible and we had to have words as I have 3 younger kids and it’s not on. I did stop his internet as I can control the internet individually to each device. Handy that!!.

However given your situation, which sounds really awful, a sit down and compromise? You can’t go on like that, he can’t have much respect for you to be behaving like that which is sad. My lad is moving out soon, it’s time, he’s said it and so have I, not sure his girlfriend is going to put up with it mind you.
Good luck op hope things settle down

HavelockVetinari · 14/04/2021 19:06

Wait, so your DS inherited a secure tenancy and you found a new partner and added him onto it, thus kicking your DS out of his home?! That's pretty shit.

Your DS's behavior is also extremely shit though, he's behaving like a 14-year-old. As PPs said, turn off the WiFi!

Lesemeraudes · 14/04/2021 19:09

@HavelockVetinari

Wait, so your DS inherited a secure tenancy and you found a new partner and added him onto it, thus kicking your DS out of his home?! That's pretty shit.

Your DS's behavior is also extremely shit though, he's behaving like a 14-year-old. As PPs said, turn off the WiFi!

Where did you get a new partner from? The joint tenants are OP and the son, surely?

DeadGood · 14/04/2021 19:10

@picklemewalnuts

You need a serious chat. 'Son, this isn't working. If we don't find a compromise, I'll have to move out and you'll struggle to manage the rent alone. What shall we do?'.

This is the correct answer.

Original poster

Welshgal78 · 14/04/2021 19:13

@havelockvetinari The tenancy is in mine and my ds names, I haven't kicked my ds out and am reluctant to move out at present (despite his behaviour) because he can't currently afford to rent his own place.

OP posts:

Motnight · 14/04/2021 19:14

Don't the neighbours complain?

Bellyundertit · 14/04/2021 19:16

I'm just saying that some parents obsess over their children. So they check every 15 minutes to see their child's face. Sorry if I offended you.

HeartsAndClubs · 14/04/2021 19:17

My DS is 18 and there have been a couple of occasions where he has just got a bit over exuberant when playing a game etc. But I’ve gone in and told him to tone it down and he has, and has apologised the next morning. And this has only happened a couple of times...

How is he contributing to the rent on this joint tenancy? Because I would tell him that you’ll be moving out so given he’ll be responsible for all the rent and bills he’ll have to get a job to pay for it all. And then I will follow through.

Right now he knows you won’t, which is why he continues to treat you like shit.

But nowhere else would anyone put up with that. So he’d better get his act together.

LemmysAceCard · 14/04/2021 19:19

@HavelockVetinari

Wait, so your DS inherited a secure tenancy and you found a new partner and added him onto it, thus kicking your DS out of his home?! That's pretty shit.

Your DS's behavior is also extremely shit though, he's behaving like a 14-year-old. As PPs said, turn off the WiFi!

Where the fuck did you get the new partner from? The tenancy is joint between the OP AND HER SON, neither one can kick the other out.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 19:20

[quote Welshgal78]@havelockvetinari The tenancy is in mine and my ds names, I haven't kicked my ds out and am reluctant to move out at present (despite his behaviour) because he can't currently afford to rent his own place.[/quote]
That's too bad for him then. I'd move out and he can sink or swim.

icdtap · 14/04/2021 19:22

Is he working?
Is he contributing to the rent?

I'd change the password on the router or hide it at midnight.
If he then continued to play music loudly late into the night or started getting angry with me, I'd be telling him that unless he changes his behaviour I'd be moving out and then explain the consequences of that to him - he'd then have to pay all rent and bills himself or if he couldn't afford that would have to give up the tenancy and move into a flat share (and see if other working young people would put up with that going on until 5 am).
He needs telling and I'd present him with a choice:
Either he behaves more considerately and makes no noise (loud talking and music) after 11 pm and you both continue to live together
OR
He chooses to continue making noise and you will move out meaning he will have to pay the rent and bills himself.

It really is his choice. If you're going to say you can't move out because the poor thing can't afford the rent on his own, then he's got a hold on you because he can do what the fuck he likes as you can't do anything about his inconsiderate behaviour.

FamBae · 14/04/2021 19:23

I agree with piclemewalnuts {great username btw}I would list all the bills, rent, utilities, food etc and present them to him telling him he will need to start making arrangements to pay these as you are looking for alternative accommodation and if he wants to continue to share a home with you he needs start being a little more respectful. You know that he can't afford to rent his own place well it's time he realised it too.

icdtap · 14/04/2021 19:24

Wait, so your DS inherited a secure tenancy and you found a new partner and added him onto it, thus kicking your DS out of his home?! That's pretty shit.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can get completely the wrong end of the stick like this. I then end up going back through all the OP's posts trying to find out where the new partner ended up on the tenancy (or whatever other wild leap of imagination has occurred)!

andweallsingalong · 14/04/2021 19:27

I think your update changes things.

He's not living in your home. You moved into his and its now equally both your home as 2 adults who are joint tenants. In which case buying you earphones as a compromise was kind.

If you can't agree though one of you needs to move out. As it was his flat first it, morally maybe that should be you?

You say he can't afford the rent without you but if working surely he should be able to. If not our council allows lodgers so he can meet the rent that way. Or if 2 beds are in high demand after you move out he might be offered an exchange to a one bed, which should be cheaper.

If you do leave make sure you assign the tenancy to him though, not give notice or you might both end up out.

VestaTilley · 14/04/2021 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponoka7 · 14/04/2021 19:29

The HA might be able to find him a lower rent one bed place. Have you had a look on property pool (or what your housing provider call your one) to see what the rents are. They may even help both of you because you are giving up a larger property. That's if you were to go your separate ways at the same time.

EileenGC · 14/04/2021 19:29

Why can’t he afford rent?

Topseyt · 14/04/2021 19:31

@HavelockVetinari

Wait, so your DS inherited a secure tenancy and you found a new partner and added him onto it, thus kicking your DS out of his home?! That's pretty shit.

Your DS's behavior is also extremely shit though, he's behaving like a 14-year-old. As PPs said, turn off the WiFi!

You are making that up. Where the fuck did you get the idea of a new partner kicking the DS out from?

A phantom or imaginary partner.

RandomMess · 14/04/2021 19:34

I would start looking for in bed places he can swap with.

Parenting is such a thankless task at times!!

stoopider · 14/04/2021 19:39

Turn off the WiFi at midnihht

SionnachGlic · 14/04/2021 19:42

As like other posters, how/why is he noctural & chatting away up to 5AM...does he not have to get up in the morns for work/study?? I'd be very annoyed. Regardless of the tenancy arrangements, he should have more consideration for anyone who is sharing. And I would have thought more again for his own Mother. Can you afford to move out yourself? Not that you should have to...but otherwise, not sure what you can do when he is a named tenant too.

EvaGalli · 14/04/2021 19:42

Stop worrying how he will react. He is old enough to understand what is unreasonable. He is gaslighting you by throwing hissy fits to distract from the sheer selfishness of his actions. It’s obvious to me you aren’t being unreasonable. Your house, your rules. You don’t have to be a dragon but don’t be afraid to put your foot down or he will walk all over you. Growing up means taking responsibility for your actions. If throws another tantrum just ignore it or give him an ultimatum.

SofiaMichelle · 14/04/2021 19:42

OP, is he working?

Lovemusic33 · 14/04/2021 19:43

Is the tenancy with a HA? If so you can asked to be moved to separate properties? Most HA are only too glad to do this as it frees up a bigger property which they have a shortage of. I’m guessing it’s a 3 bed house which is why neither of you can afford the tenancy on your own?

abeanbaked · 14/04/2021 19:43

Wait, so your DS inherited a secure tenancy and you found a new partner and added him onto it, thus kicking your DS out of his home?! That's pretty shit.

@HavelockVetinari you just completely pulled that out of your backside..

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