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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son pushing my patience to the limit.

144 replies

Welshgal78 · 14/04/2021 18:03

I'm seriously at the end of my tether! Just had another massive row with my ds (20) he's being incredibly inconsiderate and selfish at the moment, making lots of noise every night til gone 5am, chatting to his American friends on-line

Just now he handed me ear plugs he'd ordered online, I shouldn't need ear plugs in my own home, because of my own ds, I've had to use them in the past because of inconsiderate neighbours who don't care, but I feel like my ds should care that he's waking me up early hours almost every night because he's too lazy to type to his friends instead of talking (loudly)

I tried to compromise with him and said please no noise after 2:30am on weekdays, I thought that was more than fair, but now he's stormed off to his room again telling me I'm being unreasonable. He's 20 not 2 but it feels like these days the only person he cares about is himself.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/04/2021 21:08

@Bellyundertit

I wouldntkick my son out. This world is an interesting place. Be honest can you actually hear him? Or is it that you are obsessive about him and check out for him?
RTFT
SpeakingFranglais · 14/04/2021 21:08

Bloody hell, it would be no noise after 8pm in my house. I would stick the earplugs where the sun doesn’t shine.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2021 21:10

@Bellyundertit

I'm just saying that some parents obsess over their children. So they check every 15 minutes to see their child's face. Sorry if I offended you.
Not at that age they don't.

You really didn't even read the OP's posts, did you?

MixedUpFiles · 14/04/2021 21:11

If he were living in student accommodation, quiet hours would start at 10 or 11. If he had found flat mates, he might have found ones who were similarly nocturnal, but odds are if he found ones that could actually afford the rent, they would want quiet hours as well.

You aren’t asking for anything crazy.

I really don’t understand the tenancy situation, but if he won’t respect you, then you shouldn’t keep living with him. He is an adult and ultimately he is responsible for his housing. I’d make it clear to him that if he wants your financial support, this has to be a place you can be happy living. If not, you will move elsewhere and he will have to figure it out on his own.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2021 21:13

So:

Does he work? If not, why not?
If he works, why can't he afford his own place?
Don't your neighbours object to the noise?
Have you contacted the HA to see if there's anything they can do?

EasterEggBelly · 14/04/2021 21:15

@Bellyundertit

Give him a hug.
Thanks for the laugh.

I was thinking more like a kick up the arse out the front door.

EasterEggBelly · 14/04/2021 21:19

@picklemewalnuts

You need a serious chat. 'Son, this isn't working. If we don't find a compromise, I'll have to move out and you'll struggle to manage the rent alone. What shall we do?'.
Sorry for the flippant comment, I’ve just read the update. This comment is more helpful.
Foghead · 14/04/2021 21:23

Tell him that you’re going to move out unless you can find a way to houseshare comfortably.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/04/2021 21:30

@An0n0n0n

"I don't want to make him move out because he can't afford rent."

Well there you go, he has you over a barrel and you're letting him.

Well no. She has put herself over a barrel by choosing not to move out. If OP was brave enough to stand up to him, she actually has him over a barrel. "Be more considerate or I'm going - and if I go, you'll have to go too because you can't afford it."

You wouldn't think twice if it was a houseshare and another tenant was doing this, but because he's her son she's reluctant.

OP is this something to do with his dad's death? Is there a reason why he was living with his dad rather than you until his dad died? Is he rebelling/taking it out on you? Because you don't have to put up with it. You are perfectly OK to say enough's enough.

percheron67 · 14/04/2021 21:32

Time he moved out!

peak2021 · 14/04/2021 21:36

I'm surprised a neighbour hasn't complained.

Twoforthree · 14/04/2021 21:38

See I don't think he's being particularly unreasonable. As long as he's working or studying, then many youngsters keep silly o'clock hours connecting with friends online. That's just the way of things now. At least he's tried to find a way of solving the problem, by actively ordering the earplugs.

If he's not pulling his weight by working or studying, then it's a different matter.

UCOinanOCG · 14/04/2021 21:40

I think you both just have different priorities. He isn't wrong and neither are you. The tenancy is joint so there can be no winner. If he is happy with the current situation then you could find somewhere else?

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 21:47

Wow - there's so much more to uncover here.

Is he still at uni? Does he work? Why does he have friends in America that he must be with at 5am? Does he not have not enough friends here? If not, why? What about sleep?

He totally taking the piss by the way. There's no way housemates would tolerate that if he lived in a normal houseshare. They'd go nuts on him.

Dashel · 14/04/2021 21:47

I think I would try and sit down with him and say that you love living with him, but the current arrangement is not working.

If he rented out the room to a lodger and was keeping them up until silly hours then they would move out, so I would tell him I loved him, but things need to change and if he isn’t onboard with that you will be moving out,

You are essentially a lodger that pays all his bills and I think you need to make him realise that this needs to evolve so that you only make a fair contribution so you can save for your own place and he needs to mature and realise that compromises must be made or you will go elsewhere

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 14/04/2021 21:48

You need to save up for a deposit on your own place, then tell him if things don't improve, you will have your name taken off the tenancy and move out. He will also have to find a new place as he won't be able to afford the house in his own.

diamondpony80 · 14/04/2021 22:06

During the lockdown I learnt how to put a timer on the router. It stopped all the arguments about late night gaming and talking loudly with his friends. He was pissed off at first but got used to it. It’s a great behaviour modifier!

GettingItOutThere · 14/04/2021 22:10

does he work?
if not, stop paying for him, stop doing anything for him

move out, get your own place and if he cant afford it - not your problem. This is a great time to give him a life lesson, in 10 years he would thank you

you are doign him zero favours right now!

Devlesko · 14/04/2021 22:20

How does he mange to work or attend uni staying awake all hours

RosesAndHellebores · 14/04/2021 22:24

I think it's difficult and that young men of 20 are particularly difficult and have a great deal of growing up to do. Not least when they have lost a parent in their teens and sound as though some of their formative years were far from stable.

What was his relationship with his father like? Was he truly well parented in that time? Are their emotional wounds that need to heal possibly for both of you?

It sounds incredibly complex op. It has been an incredibly difficult year and I can imagine if there isn't much socially that US chat rooms and games are appealing. How was school? Is he at College? Does he work? Are there sound and grounded friends?

To be fair he did order you some ear plugs which does to me indicate there's some thought going on and attention being paid towards a solution except it's the solution that's best for him rather than best for you.

I also wonder if there's any neuro divergence, possibly undiagnosed going on or if he's just plain depressed and needing support. Might something like Relate help - they are increasingly doing more work around young people and family dynamics. Could it help both of you? It's means tested.

Good luck op and with love. 20 year olds young men can be challenging. I also wonder how many posts would stand on this thread if all those belonging to those with under 18s were deleted.

2bazookas · 14/04/2021 22:31

Time he got his own place. Tell him so.

BadNomad · 14/04/2021 22:46

@2bazookas

Time he got his own place. Tell him so.
He's in his own place.
Wowyouareboring · 14/04/2021 23:07

No noise after 11pm or there would be hell to pay. Wouldn’t be having it.

Think your being more than reasonable and maybe being harsher is needed.

Motnight · 15/04/2021 08:36

I think that we need to know more about your son, Op.

skirk64 · 15/04/2021 08:49

The cause of this situation is you have a person who is not a fully-developed adult having to cope with things an adult usually deals with.

At 20, he is immature - not capable of seeing a broader view. Men don't reach adulthood until their mid to late twenties, sometimes later. Yes, legally they are adults, they can get themselves into a shitload of debt and gamble and smoke and become alcoholics, but mentally they have not fully developed.

The situation here is unusual, and an example of how going outside the normal doesn't work. The son is a joint tenant with the mother, neither has any power over the other, other that they can pull the rug from under the other's feet by moving out themselves. This is an abnormal set of circumstances, the balance of power has been shifted away from the parent before the child is ready to handle it.

It's an interesting case study, which won't be any consolation to the OP. The only advice I can give her is to try reasoning with him. Explain the damaging effect his behaviour is having on her. But calmly, not in a blaming way.