Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son pushing my patience to the limit.

144 replies

Welshgal78 · 14/04/2021 18:03

I'm seriously at the end of my tether! Just had another massive row with my ds (20) he's being incredibly inconsiderate and selfish at the moment, making lots of noise every night til gone 5am, chatting to his American friends on-line

Just now he handed me ear plugs he'd ordered online, I shouldn't need ear plugs in my own home, because of my own ds, I've had to use them in the past because of inconsiderate neighbours who don't care, but I feel like my ds should care that he's waking me up early hours almost every night because he's too lazy to type to his friends instead of talking (loudly)

I tried to compromise with him and said please no noise after 2:30am on weekdays, I thought that was more than fair, but now he's stormed off to his room again telling me I'm being unreasonable. He's 20 not 2 but it feels like these days the only person he cares about is himself.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/04/2021 19:43

@Bellyundertit

Give him a hug.
Use the hug as an opportunity to whip his hands behind his back and handcuff his wrists together. Bundle him out of the house. Slip the handcuffs key into his pocket. Kiss him fondly. Lock the door behind him.

While he is reeling with shock stuff his things into a couple of black bags and throw them out beside him. Call him a taxi (pay for it if necessary - regard it as an investment).

Tell him he is welcome to visit for a good dinner every Sunday. Wave him goodbye.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/04/2021 19:44

Oh!

I missed the exciting updates!

I do so wish I'd read all the thread . . . Grin

TerribleTiming · 14/04/2021 19:45

Could you approach your local council or housing association to be considered on the transfer register separately? I’m surprised they let you have a joint tenancy after your son succeeded the tenancy. You were never going to want to live together forever.

You may find that if you’re giving up larger family accommodation you might both be offered alternative one bed flats. That would give you both your own space and decide whether you want to move again to something you like more in the future.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/04/2021 19:46

Or is that Havelock's imagination at work?

OP Seriously. Your home, your rules. You shouldn't have to read on eggshells in your own home, and he should respect your boundaries.

He is old enough to know this.

Boomboomboomboom · 14/04/2021 19:46

I'm very surprised the council/HA granted you a joint tenancy. Normally a minor acquires an equitable tenancy and an adult holds it in trust for them until they attain 18 years of age when they become the legal tenant.

I agree with others that whilst legally it is both your homes, it is morally his home and you wouldn't be there but for his right yo succeed.
If you cannot compromise it would be cruel to move out and end the tenancy for him and you. You should explore with the council/HA whether they'd agree to remove you from the tenancy.

He might get benefits to help pay rent if he doesn’t earn enough and although he might be subject to the benefit tax, he could get a lodger or look to mutually exchange to a more affordable 1 bed. That said if he is in work a 2 bed property should be affordable.

SilverDragonfly1 · 14/04/2021 19:49

Give him a hug, assuming you're a python.

AsterixGoesCamping · 14/04/2021 19:51

You need a chat and to treat him as an adult. That’s what he wants right?

Explain to him that the situation isn’t acceptable to you.
That you appreciate that you can’t tell him what to do in his own home (he is on the tenancy after all).
So you are planning to move out.

Tell him you are letting him know ahead so he can sort out how to pay for the rent/council tax/electricity etc....

Then wait and see what he wants to do.. All good to be treated like an adult but that includes everything, not just the bits to his liking.
I’d also suggest YOU need to start treating him like an adult rather than protecting him from the consequences of his actions

Soubriquet · 14/04/2021 19:52

I would move out OP even if he can’t afford the rent on his own

If he can’t respect you as his mother or even a flat mate, he won’t be able to hold on to any flat mate and will eventually realise it’s his own fault

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/04/2021 19:57

I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation with your son. Disrespectful sod

I'd give him the list of bills and ask him how he thinks he's going to pay if you move out?!

Tell him it's his choice, he lives by reasonable rules (& 2:30am is madness. 11pm) or he WILL be paying all the bills by himself.

He's your son, but he's an adult who is showing you NO respect. Time for him to grow up!

Franklyfrost · 14/04/2021 20:00

@SilverDragonfly1
Grin

Franklyfrost · 14/04/2021 20:02

Well that was a massive turn around. Do you pay the bills op?

Laggartha · 14/04/2021 20:04

I can't afford to move out at the moment but am looking of ways to do that. My son wouldn't be able to afford the rent on his own and would have to move out too and find somewhere else to live.

I think you both need to sit down at a calm moment and get an adult-to-adult plan of action for bringing this shared tenancy to an end. "What steps do we need to take?" kind of conversation.

TillyTopper · 14/04/2021 20:05

Does he work and does he pay you rent - if not then why not? If he wants to make noise all night he needs to find his own place, not financed by you. Sometimes mine (same age) get a bit noisy but they always quieten down when asked. YANBU especially in your own home.

ImAlrightThanx · 14/04/2021 20:07

I think the line is drawn with adult children living at home when someone isn't happy with the arrangement. You are not happy, so he either behaves appropriately- ie as you wish- or he moves out.

Janaih · 14/04/2021 20:07

Definitely worth asking local authority if you can swap it for 2 1 beds or bedsits.

Laggartha · 14/04/2021 20:10

You are not happy, so he either behaves appropriately- ie as you wish- or he moves out.

But it's his tenancy.

Whythesadface · 14/04/2021 20:11

If you pay the internet, got online and you can log in and manage the router.
YouTube will show you how to do this .
Turning it on and off for a few mins, late at night will help stop him.
Also tell him if he can't respect you, your going to move out and he can pay for everything.

Justgorgeous · 14/04/2021 20:25

2:30am??? Why should you lie awake or be disturbed till then. It’s 10:30/11pm in my house on weekdays. I want to go to sleep. You are being way to lenient

Joeblack066 · 14/04/2021 20:31

Thing is here, his life is run in a different timescale to yours. But it’s a joint tenancy, and his life and are as important as yours, so you both need to respect one another in the solution. All he hears when you tell him he can’t talk after 2.30 am is “your friends and life are unimportant”, even though you’re not.
My suggestion would be that between you, you get him a really good quality mic and good noise cancelling headphones, so that all participants can hear each other with no shouting. He probably laughs a lot online with his friends- that’s great if he’s having fun. Lock down has been hard for everyone but especially hard on the young imo.
I think if you tried a sleep white noise app, that would help.
You guys share a space, so compromise is necessary. But if his friends are online at U.K. unsociable hours, then he will want to be too.

ddl1 · 14/04/2021 20:37

2;30 a.m. on weekdays? You are incredibly tolerant! I would have said, not after midnight on weekdays! Even at 20, I'd have thought that was basic consideration. He won't be popular with any neighbours in the future, unless he shapes up a bit!

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/04/2021 20:54

Joint tenancy.. are you absolutely sure?

Councils rarely do that except for couples, I can't see how they'd do that if you took the tenancy (as he couldn't as a child take over the tenancy) when his father died and you moved in...

Talk to him, explain that if he can't be more reasonable about his behaviour in your shared home then the living situation will have to change, and you'll be contacting the council or HA to look for a smaller property. He will then be overhoused and unable to pay the rent and he too will have to move.

He may want to do that, but if he doesn't then he'll have to change how he behaves.

I do think you need to double check your tenancy though as that sounds very odd and unlikely.

Phineyj · 14/04/2021 20:57

The OP states that this property was originally the marital home that she was forced to leave. Her son therefore has no more right to it than she does. It is an unusual situation and I think asking the HA for help relocating is the best plan. At the very least there must be a lot of difficult memories there. I expect the son is lightly or not employed and is playing one of those multiple player games dominated by US players.

BadNomad · 14/04/2021 21:00

OP you really should have put it in your first post that this is a joint tenancy and therefore you don't have authority over him and can't go hiding the router and all that stuff. A lot of people are just going to reply thinking he's a spoilt son living in his mother's house.

Yes, he is being really rude and selfish. However you can't demand he stop this. The most you can do is tell him you are going to arrange somewhere else to live as this isn't working for you anymore. Maybe that will be enough to scare him into changing, but if not it is what you need to do.

An0n0n0n · 14/04/2021 21:04

"I don't want to make him move out because he can't afford rent."

Well there you go, he has you over a barrel and you're letting him.

Tossblanket · 14/04/2021 21:08

Take the router to bed with you.

If he gets arsey smash it round his head.

Swipe left for the next trending thread