11 year old - inappropriate chat on what app group

[Mustgoon]

Wondering if anyone can give any advice as I am new to this stage of parenting!
My 11 year old DC is in Y7
She is in the form what’s app group and it is often useful for remembering to bring things to school / change of time table / general goings on in the form.
My DD does not have her phone at night and it’s downstairs charging. I do check from time to time the messages as in general my DD is fairly sensible and does talk to me about anything she is worried about.
However, recently there has been a few of the same girls very active on the chat at night. Sometimes just silly chat but recently I have seen messages that I am not really happy with. - mainly talking about threesoms and thinking about ‘f*ing two men at a time’ (celebrities) discussing drugs and how they have been drunk.
Just wondered if this is normal chat for y7 (age 11 and 12) If you have a y7 child would this be all par for the course at this age?

Absolutely not. I have a 12 yr old DD and she would be telling me about chat lie that in case I saw it and thought she was involved. That is not healthy at year 7. Are you inner city?

I am going to go against the grain here and confess that as a kid I can actually remember myself and my friends talking about sex from aged 10 or so(always in jest and talking about adults we knew having affairs etc.) I don't think talking about it is ununusal at that age.

But the drink and drugs at that age no. That didn't come to the teen years;11 seems too young for that age but then there is the internet today to find out stuff. That wasn't there in the 90s.

''DS Y10 has had some concerning conversations on discord with girls/ women he doesn’t know irl (sexting- words, not pictures) which I’ve spoken to him about in terms of not engaging with strangers online, not objectifying women etc (though they seem to have led it and are 17-25: I also spoke to him about their dubious morals in engaging in that sort of chat with someone who to them is a child). I was concerned about that, but he’s much older than your DD and not receiving the sort of level of information she is.''

If they are the ones leading it then it has bugger all to do with him 'objectifying women' and everything to do with him being groomed by adult women. Sounds like you are victim blaming here and being sexist. Many women I have known are very insistent on pressuring males for sex and are inappropriate and 'creepy'. This is not just a male thing.

Do they know he is a child? And have you not contacted the police if so? Because I am pretty sure if the genders were reversed here you would not be telling your underage daughter about how she shouldn't be 'objectifying men' and you'd be going to the cops and not passing it off as the men having just 'dubious morals'.

Being from before the invention of the internet I can assure you it wasn't all innocence back then, we had girls bragging about 20 something boyfriends, graphic descriptions of what they "did" (don't necessarily believe it was true) and we had a girl have an abortion in yr 8. The difference is that this talk is now coming home from school via the phones and the freeman's catalogue underwear sections replaced with hard porn.

Speak to the school, it seems a bit early for such graphic talk, but my DD's didn't have smartphones until later

Definitely this is something that the school would want to know about and deal with. We had a parent meeting regarding online safety in year 7 after some incidents of kids sending nude photos!!! They also had a very severe all year assembly in school.

To the person who said their child won't have a phone, they will literally be considered an absolute weirdo and will miss out on tons of friend interactions. Literally every child that age has a phone. Just have an agreement with them that you get to look at it and see their messages, search history etc. You can protect them, you can't keep them in a bubble.

''Being from before the invention of the internet I can assure you it wasn't all innocence back then''

This I recall in 1995 boys in my class talking about EuroTrash and what they say on the Adult Channel on Sky tv. They were 10!

''Speak to the school, it seems a bit early for such graphic talk, but my DD's didn't have smartphones until later''

And again not really. I work as a teacher and have heard year 7s engaged in appropriate graphic talk. 11 is not that young. They are in secondary school.

I would be concerned that the precocious sexual banter from the girls is due to them being abused. I would be contacting the safeguarding lead immediately.

''Just have an agreement with them that you get to look at it and see their messages, search history etc. You can protect them, you can't keep them in a bubble.''

You do know all search history and messages etc can be deleted?

''I would be concerned that the precocious sexual banter from the girls is due to them being abused. I would be contacting the safeguarding lead immediately.''

or possibly that every tv show these days is full of sex and instagram has more pages of sexualised images than a porn site. Topless young men and women in bikinis etc left,right and centre.

Are you inner city?

What on earth would that have to do with it?

''Are you inner city?

What on earth would that have to do with it?''

because people think all immoral behaviour can only happen in the inner city or on council estates.

OP, this is 100 per cent an issue to raise with the school. It would be one thing if this was in small group chats (it would still be inappropriate and concerning - but would not be so clearly an issue for immediate school attention) - but presumably every child in the form is in this group. It's grossly inappropriate and a danger to the girls making the comments for many reasons - it is not fair for children who are more naive to see this - and it's a very dangerous path for them all to go down.

I'm surprised you ask if it's okay - they are 11 not 16 - they aren't old enough to be sexually active or to make crude jokes that all their classmates will see.

I know of many similar issues with whatsapp and young children this age - my friend had to get the police involved sadly with similar conversation and sharing of porn in a classwhatsapp of 12 year olds.

Please please dont let this continue - this is a vital safeguarding moment for YOU - the ADULT here! to step in and ensure these girls stop putting themselves and others at risk.

the girls making conversatino like this could be at risk of being abused - they could be talking to adults online - please step in and protect all the kids involved.

I hope you've contacted the school as sensible pps have suggested

@thatwasme22

''Are you inner city?

What on earth would that have to do with it?''

because people think all immoral behaviour can only happen in the inner city or on council estates.

Yup - nothing bad ever happens to children in the suburbs or countryside. 🙄

@Lizzie523 I was in school in mid 2000s and many where pregnant by 13 it was an all girls school so goes to show how different peoples schools are.

''Yup - nothing bad ever happens to children in the suburbs or countryside.''

yup every education site/book will talk about the behaviour in schools and allude to the 'inner city' like it can only happen there. Eh I have worked in suburbs and in towns for years-miles from the inner city and the behaviour is downright awful and the kids come back from lunch stinking of weed! 🙄

''I was in school in mid 2000s and many where pregnant by 13 it was an all girls school so goes to show how different peoples schools are.''

yea but you got to remember also that children were all angelic before this generation on mn and you could leave your doors opened when you popped out for milk with your life savings on the kitchen table.

Screenshot and email the head followed up with a phone call as soon as it's open ( butthead should be in contact before that). They will absolutely want to know. Also my DD would not be accessing the group chat until it's all sorted and the messages deleted.

*oohmyback

I'll probably get told I'm wrong but as a secondary teacher as well as a parent of a year 7 I would class this as a safeguarding concern and refer it to the head of year with screenshots.*

If you know their parents I'd address it with them first.

Really? Do you think so?

Yes I really think so too. You don't know the parents well so I would let the school know with screenshots and names. Year 7 is really very young emotionally (I teach secondary) talk about which boy they fancy at school is normal. Talk about threesomes with celebrities is not and it's concerning both that the other girls get exposed to this and that the girls in question think like this. What have they been exposed to?

Yr7 parent here- odd bit of swearing now appearing in DCs group messages but nothing like what you are describing! Could she leave that group and just be in a group with friends instead?

It's terrifying as a parent, but it was often the topic of conversation when I was in year 7, way back in 2001, we thought we were so cool.
My daughter is in year 7 but I haven't heard of any conversations along those lines from her friendship group.

a good half of my year were sexually active by year 9, and there were 4 underage mums in my year. Most of us smoked daily and drank on fridays from year 7. Drugs didn't come onto the scene till year 10. All of us had our first child before we were 20. All 160 of us.
Most of our parents didn't have a clue what was going on, some of them didn't care. The ones who didn't care, let us doss at their houses and vouched for us.

I've tried my hardest to instil good morals, honesty, and openness into our relationship. To make my girls love themselves and respect themselves and keep their boundaries. I hope it's enough, because my parents (although brilliant in every other way) never had a clue, and I can't bear the thought that I might be just as clueless.

You'd think I grew up somewhere rough, but no, just a northern market town.

You absolutely need to raise this with school. Before it escalates.

I am finding it hard to understand why you are upset. Are you alright?

I haven’t read the full thread (sorry) but speaking as a secondary school teacher please do report this to the Head of Year.

This is most certainly not normal chat for year 7 and its a massive safeguarding concern.

I'm a Year 7 form tutor, and if a parent of a student in my tutor group saw this, I would 100% want them to report it to me or a relevant person at school.

Combined, drugs, drink and inappropriate sexual knowledge/chat are possible red flags for child sexual exploitation- I'm not saying that is definitely what is going on, but no-one can know unless it is investigated, so it would be right to refer this to a safeguarding lead so that they can do so.

I would raise this as a safeguarding concern even in the holidays, and make sure the DSL had seen it- it worries me that much!

This is inappropriate, it is not normal, and those girls may be at serious risk of harm (or have already been harmed).

Hi op, I have 2 dd’s both older than 11 now but I would say this is not normal. I found inappropriate and worrying sexual language (used by other dc’s) on my older dd’s phone in group chats when she was in year 7. I reported it to the school and they took it very seriously-I was asked to send screen shots-my dd never knew I’d reported it but it did give me an opportunity to talk to her about the subject in general terms.

I had a long talk with the safeguarding lead at the time and worryingly, she said it was increasingly common for children to be exposed to language/issues such as this at a young age, that it becomes normalised and they get desensitised to it. The school were trying desperately to break this cycle. I would take screenshots, and report to the school. They should deal with it confidentially and sensitively.