11 year old - inappropriate chat on what app group

[Mustgoon]

Wondering if anyone can give any advice as I am new to this stage of parenting!
My 11 year old DC is in Y7
She is in the form what’s app group and it is often useful for remembering to bring things to school / change of time table / general goings on in the form.
My DD does not have her phone at night and it’s downstairs charging. I do check from time to time the messages as in general my DD is fairly sensible and does talk to me about anything she is worried about.
However, recently there has been a few of the same girls very active on the chat at night. Sometimes just silly chat but recently I have seen messages that I am not really happy with. - mainly talking about threesoms and thinking about ‘f*ing two men at a time’ (celebrities) discussing drugs and how they have been drunk.
Just wondered if this is normal chat for y7 (age 11 and 12) If you have a y7 child would this be all par for the course at this age?

@EmeraldShamrock

No it isn't normal at all at 11. I often check DD's discord messages some of the boys have sent pictures of ladies in bras lots of hehe but nothing like you described that is very full on.

I’d be concerned if the boys were sending photos like this. It’s the start of a slippery slope and as such if my son did it I’d be furious with him.

I have aDD in Y9 and none of her WhatsApp groups are like this! I’d screenshot and share with school, then block these girls on your DD’s phone.
DS Y10 has had some concerning conversations on discord with girls/ women he doesn’t know irl (sexting- words, not pictures) which I’ve spoken to him about in terms of not engaging with strangers online, not objectifying women etc (though they seem to have led it and are 17-25: I also spoke to him about their dubious morals in engaging in that sort of chat with someone who to them is a child). I was concerned about that, but he’s much older than your DD and not receiving the sort of level of information she is.

I work in a secondary school. This is definitely not normal and to be honest, most likely untrue and just an attempt at making themselves sound cool. But you do need to do something about it.

Take screen shots and contact the designated safeguarding lead at the school (you can phone and ask to speak to them regarding safeguarding concerns). They will want to see screenshots.

DO NOT approach the parents as a op suggested. It’s not your place and the school will do so if appropriate. This is 100% a school issue as it is a group of students who know each other from school. Also, you never know what a child is being exposed to at home so you should never approach the parents, always a third party. If you can’t get in touch with the school then children’s services (google children’s services and your local area for contact info).

Take your DD off the WhatsApp group now!!

Agree with others that this is absolutely shocking and not normal - I have a 17yo DS and 14yo DD and they've never encountered conversation like this.

Timetables and homework reminders etc should all be easily accessible to parents - you really don't need a class WhatsApp group to tell you that. Call the school if you're unsure where to find this information.

The thing with state secondary schools is that you get people from very different backgrounds with very different values all thrown together in one class. You very quickly learn who to avoid so all being forced to communicate on the same WhatsApp group is a disaster!

Definitely not normal behaviour.

But class WhatsAp/Snapchat groups are.

Smaller groups for close friends.

Without a doubt a safeguarding issue.

Sending them in to the YH anonymously without identifying your child could be wise.

My son once came home with a story having overheard two teachers speaking about the parents of another boy who had reported other boys for smoking weed at the weekend.
Obviously I told him not to say a word and he hadn't any intention of doing so anyway.

But in the hands of the wrong child the blow back on the boy whose parents reported it, could have been very upsetting and embarrassing.
They were 15 years old at the time.

Over the years my children have definitely heard a few conversations in school that were none of their business.

I would be wary for definitely it needs bringing to the YH's attention.

As a teacher- please report this on to the school. They will handle it sensitively but it is a safeguarding issue. It could be kids trying to be grown up, but it sounds like the girls concerned have seen material such as porn from older siblings etc and it will be damaging for them. And they are now exposing other children to it.

i was in year 7 4/5 years ago and sadly this was normal for my friend group. however, i don't think it should have been normal at all, i was groomed online from a very very young age (7+) so i was used to conversation revolving around sex.
so, i would be very concerned about the girl talking to your dd about it, i would raise it with her parents (even if you don't know them very well) and not the school, i found our student services 'team' to be terrible and they were focused on punishment rather than support.

School need to be aware. It could be a safeguarding issue, most likely to be silly chat. At that age there is a big difference with what they have heard about or seen via older siblings etc.

OP I’m very very surprised you need to ask if it’s ok or normal for 11/12 years olds to be talking about threesomes, taking drugs or getting drunk. You have one, would you find this normal from yours? Even if it’s (most likely) just children trying to show off, agree that this sort of conversation is a safeguarding red flag (where on earth has an 11yr old got the idea that “being fucked by two celebrities” is something they’d like to happen) and you need screenshots and to take this up with the school.

Additionally, if we had said yes it’s perfectly normal that 11year olds talk about threesomes drugs and getting drunk would you have then thought it was ok? Something odd here.

@DumplingsAndStew

JUST A REMINDER TO POSTERS

Please don't share stories of your pre-teen/teens talking in this manner. You can never be sure who you are talking to online and this seems to be either a new poster or a name changer.

Of course, MNHW won't be around at this time of night to report to

@DumplingsAndStew, there is someone around overnight,if you see anything concerning overnight then flag it as normal to MNHQ and also report it on the Nightwatch board and the Nightwatcher team will check it out and hide it so MNHQ can take a look in the morning if they feel the same.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_night_watch

Speak to the schools about your concerns. They will be able to include some lessons that will ensure the kids are following safety online. They can also address issues the kids have. Unfortunately this kind of thing is actually becoming more and more common online as kids are exposed to more and more unsuitable content. The kids will be lying about being drunk I’m sure, but they are talking about what they have seen and heard from other people / older siblings/ overheard or seen themselves. Talk to your daughter. Make sure she understands about online safety and suitable content. We must do everything we can to ensure our children’s safety. The school will be able to contact parents about keeping an eye on their kids as well. Don’t ignore this, take some positive action. Your daughter need never know that you looked at her phone. However , I would be honest , and have done myself, that as a parent my absolute right is to protect and nurture my kids, and that may also include a breach of the ‘privacy’ they believe they are entitled to at such a young age.

@CatNameChange101 All bloody schools have bullying, children trying to impress their new peer group, and issues around sexualisation of young children. All schools. If you didn't see it on your DC's chat groups then either you found the unicorn or your children hid it or chose not to participate in these groups.

6/10 girls have been sexually assaulted at school; something like 97% of girls report catcalling, sexually inappropriate behaviour, etc. This isn't uncommon - though I do think the sort of stuff the OP is talking about is rare.

That's not normal for that age - it's clearly attention seeking at that age, rather than a sign of anything more sinister. I wouldn't expect any actual risk of drink/drugs/sex until age 13 at the earliest, and then they'd be cleverer than to do it on a form-wide WhatsApp group. I'd use it as an opportunity to talk to your daughter about these issues and also about honesty, peer pressure and internet safety - how people say stuff especially on social media/chat that isn't true, how can you assess what they're saying, what if they put pressure on you to do things or pretend to have done things etc. If you want you could raise it with their form teacher but I would just write it off as showing off at that age.

@Mistressinthetulips Yes, that was my son. They hadn’t learnt about World War Two in primary school.

I echo other posters recommending to email Head of Year and not the parents. Or even, as I once did, write a message on the group itself telling odd the boy in question (this was in Year 6 when one of the boys was sending inappropriate photos in the WhatsApp group) all I got was, ‘Woah! Rusty’s mum is triggered!’

Children under 10 are using these apps, the age limit means nothing. You want to try checking out the Friendlist of your child’s fellow Instagram classmates, the girls are already posing in that hand on hip, finger in mouth pose at age 8

I’ve removed him from Instagram because of that, although he was only using it to garner subscribers for Roblox or some game or other.

I found with the classmate/butterfly knife issue, it leads back to the parents ultimately. His dad is on social media posing behind his son the pair of them holding their knives. Who knows if they’re ‘trick’ knives or not, fact is the boy brought it into school. With parents like that no doubt the boy is on a safeguarding radar somewhere anyway.

If you choose to give your young child a phone, you have to police it. If the kid doesn’t like it, tough, they don’t get the phone. There’s absolutely no other way of monitoring their behaviour.

11 year old girls talking about being fucked by two guys at once ?? Jesus.

@Rustygriswold I do also check my ds' phone, but his friends favour Snapchat over WhatsApp and most of the messages are not visible - I can still get a sense if he's talking to randoms but not the detail. I don't do this often, but we did find something concerning once so I do check.

I have just taught sex Ed with my year 7 form group and I find this alarming! The current year 7s seem so young compared to previous years and seem to know much less in this sense. I would inform a head of year as there may be safeguarding concerns, I wouldn’t expect them to have learnt this from peers so young.

That's not normal. My 11 year old sons chats are about progress in games and whose door they'll nick nack tomorrow. I'm shocked at those conversations.

@FortunesFave

You need to stop saying "Gosh" and "Oh dear" and report this immediately to the school!

This. Report immediately.

No!! I would immediately report this to the school head teacher copied to class teacher. Take screenshots .

You know it's not " par for the course" at that age!

@MrPickles73

My yr 6 doesn't have a phone and this is an example of why. I would contact the parents concerned.

I wouldn't. Those girls probably have/are been/being abused. I'd contact the school.

I have two Y7 boys who are part of loads of WhatsApp chats - bit like your daughter though they don’t really take much notice!

The deal on having phones was that DH and I were allowed to check them, we don’t very often. I haven’t seen anything even close to similar, it’s mainly ‘Riley do you want to play Fortnite’ or ‘haha Liverpool is better than Everton’ type stuff, with a few argy bargies about whose primary school was better!

Mine have literally just come home and told me they had a puberty talk at school today and that they had to learn about girl puberty too so they’re pretty open, but like someone else said, they are a very ‘young’ year IMO.

Covid has probably changed things, but both my DC started up on a class WhatsApp group, and moved to a group that was just the people in the class that they actually liked. I'd suggest to your DD she does similar, then she can get the benefit of the reminders/updates about stuff going on, without being subject to the stuff she doesn't need to see. (she can stay on the class group, just mute it and not look at it unless there is something she particularly needs to know).

(I guess this is the cyber equivalent to avoiding the girl).