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Original poster

11 year old - inappropriate chat on what app group

131 replies

Mustgoon · 13/04/2021 23:33

Wondering if anyone can give any advice as I am new to this stage of parenting!
My 11 year old DC is in Y7
She is in the form what’s app group and it is often useful for remembering to bring things to school / change of time table / general goings on in the form.
My DD does not have her phone at night and it’s downstairs charging. I do check from time to time the messages as in general my DD is fairly sensible and does talk to me about anything she is worried about.
However, recently there has been a few of the same girls very active on the chat at night. Sometimes just silly chat but recently I have seen messages that I am not really happy with. - mainly talking about threesoms and thinking about ‘f*ing two men at a time’ (celebrities) discussing drugs and how they have been drunk.
Just wondered if this is normal chat for y7 (age 11 and 12) If you have a y7 child would this be all par for the course at this age?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 14/04/2021 00:51

You need to stop saying "Gosh" and "Oh dear" and report this immediately to the school!

Original poster
Mustgoon · 14/04/2021 00:54

@FortunesFave

You need to stop saying "Gosh" and "Oh dear" and report this immediately to the school!
Yes I will do, they are all on Easter break though at the moment so not sure if they will be picking up emails or able to do much until next week.
OP posts:
DumplingsAndStew · 14/04/2021 01:09

JUST A REMINDER TO POSTERS

Please don't share stories of your pre-teen/teens talking in this manner. You can never be sure who you are talking to online and this seems to be either a new poster or a name changer.

Of course, MNHW won't be around at this time of night to report to Wink

CatNameChange101 · 14/04/2021 01:17

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Almost every S1 (which is our equivalent in Scotland) child I know has been in, or seen, some sort of bother with the year group WhatsApp chat. It's ranged from bullying to sexually inappropriate 'send nudes' to stuff like this which I would probably class as young people trying to look cool and not really understanding what they're talking about.

I think it's basically the freedom of the first phone with trying desperately to look cool in front of a wider peer group.

Step one is to take your child out of the group. I would also take screen shots and flag to school. I do think it's probably showing off rather than safeguarding, but that isn't your decision to make. What is your decision is how you role model to your children what they need to do in a group situation where people are saying things they don't like.

What bloody schools? Never known anything like this, not even going to pretend to normalise it.
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2021 01:49

I have a yr8 dd. This is deffo not normal. The whole year group chat, which started in yr7 pretty much died a death a few months ago and the kids are in smaller chat groups now. They mostly talk about football, meeting up at the park and silly, innocuous things. At most they have shared an age appropriate slightly crude song, used a bit of slang and the odd mild swear words eg shit or bloody. Anything stronger is in acronyms like ffs.

Of course what you’ve seen is a safeguarding issues. No way would I contact the parents even if I knew them. Straight to school. Hoy or safeguarding lead.

Rustygriswold · 14/04/2021 02:17

My son is 11 (Year 7) he currently has a Nazi Whatsapp group on his phone made by his fellow 11 year old friend where the creator changed the name to Cute Cats Group presumably to avoid detection by parents checking their phone

. My son doesn’t even know who Hitler is. Only saw this new WhatsApp group tonight, hence your post attracted my attention. I’m thinking of how to approach the issue with my son tomorrow.

In his previous school, his classmate had a WhatsApp group where he talked about bringing his butterfly knife into school, encouraged by his classmates. So he did.

A lot of it is bluster and nonsense, pushing boundaries, showing off to friends. Some kids seem very much streetwise compared to their peers. The mucky talk by the girls you mentioned, well, that’s just how they talk, some of them. Not all.

The language of Year 7s is jaw dropping. It was news to me. My kids are quite sheltered and don’t even contribute to conversations in these sort of discussions.

We monitor both our 11 year old boy and 13 year old girl phones and will continue to do so until they’re 16. It was a stipulation of them having phones.
At the moment, neither is bothered that we check. At the point they get bothered you’re looking , that’s when something has occurred I suppose.

Be aware your kids will delete history, unsend texts, create their own email addresses for logins etc.without your knowledge, so you have to stay on top if it.

Invasion of their privacy? Not whilst they’re legally classed as children, no.

Rustygriswold · 14/04/2021 02:18

Also, our kids are not allowed their phones in their bedrooms after bedtime. It will stay that way until they’re at least 15 I’m thinking.

BetsyBigNose · 14/04/2021 02:19

I agree, definitely NOT normal.

I have a 12 year old DD in Yr 7 and she is in a similar 'Tutor Group Whatsapp Group', the chat on which is pretty dull. However, she was added to a couple of group chats back in September, where the language and the topics of conversation became a bit much - I think they were just showing off / attention seeking, as they were all new to the school. I check her phone regularly anyway, but she brought this to my attention and we decided just for her to leave the group, as it was making her uncomfortable.

In your case, I would take screen shots of the conversation and email the Head of Year 7, the Class Tutor and the Safeguarding Lead with the information. I would have a chat with your daughter about what is and isn't appropriate and perhaps mute the group for a while, until the situation has been sorted out by school. In the meantime, you can check the group each evening to ensure she doesn't miss any vitally important messages.

It's a horrible situation, I hope school are hot on getting things sorted quickly for you guys.

wigjuice · 14/04/2021 02:45

Who created this whole class app and why is it not being monitored by the school? This thread feels really off to me.

Original poster
Mustgoon · 14/04/2021 08:29

@BetsyBigNose

I agree, definitely NOT normal.

I have a 12 year old DD in Yr 7 and she is in a similar 'Tutor Group Whatsapp Group', the chat on which is pretty dull. However, she was added to a couple of group chats back in September, where the language and the topics of conversation became a bit much - I think they were just showing off / attention seeking, as they were all new to the school. I check her phone regularly anyway, but she brought this to my attention and we decided just for her to leave the group, as it was making her uncomfortable.

In your case, I would take screen shots of the conversation and email the Head of Year 7, the Class Tutor and the Safeguarding Lead with the information. I would have a chat with your daughter about what is and isn't appropriate and perhaps mute the group for a while, until the situation has been sorted out by school. In the meantime, you can check the group each evening to ensure she doesn't miss any vitally important messages.

It's a horrible situation, I hope school are hot on getting things sorted quickly for you guys.

Thank you so much for your rational response. I have taken some screen shots and muted it as you say this morning. Have had a chat to DD about the reasons and she has been quite good about it. Thank you for being kind
OP posts:
Original poster
Mustgoon · 14/04/2021 08:30

@wigjuice

Who created this whole class app and why is it not being monitored by the school? This thread feels really off to me.
It’s a group created by one of the students and includes every student in the whole form. It’s a whats app group so no, not monitored by the school? It’s up to the parents to monitor I would have thought? Are what’s all groups between pupils normally monitored by secondary schools?
OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 14/04/2021 09:06

I would report to school anonymously.
I would print off messages, removing anything that identified my child's phone and put in envelope for attention of safeguarding team. I would not tell my DD I'd done it as I would not want her worried about people thinking/knowing her mum reported it.
These girls are in the wrong but if they use this language - imagine what interactions with their family would be like if they knew you had raised it. I'd like to say schools are good with confidentiality but seeing posts on MN we know stuff gets out.

Felford · 14/04/2021 09:12

Don't you have to be 16 to register for / use WhatsApp?

Chickoletta · 14/04/2021 09:32

I’m a teacher and have previously been Head of Year Seven amongst other pastoral roles. This is 100% not normal and I would want to know about this if it were happening in my year group. Please screenshot the inappropriate discussion and send it to the HOY. I would strongly advise against speaking to the girls’ parents.

There are safeguarding red flags here - overly sexualised behaviour can be a sign of sexual abuse at worst or access to inappropriate material at least. The school’s DSL will pick this up. There may be more context here which you don’t know about. Always worth reporting things like this as it may be a small piece in a much bigger jigsaw which the school has oversight of.

I agree with the PP who suggested taking your daughter out of the group. Explain why you are doing this - some people in the group are behaving inappropriately and you don’t want her being caught up in it. Set up a smaller WhatsApp group for her with trusted friends so that she is still connected and getting the homework/remember your kit stuff.

Try to ascertain what her relationship is with these particular girls. If quite distant, there’s probably no need for any more discussion. If close and you think she is hearing this kind of thing in school too it might be a good opportunity for a chat around porn as opposed to sex in a living relationship.

motherrunner · 14/04/2021 09:40

I’m a secondary school teacher and have a nearly 10 year old DD and this is why she hasn’t got a phone. The girls in her class do and they WhatsApp, I don’t care if she’ll be a social outcast, I want to protect her. With the prevalence of social media cyber bullying and sexualisation at a younger age is becoming all the more concerning.

I would report it to the school but I’m also of the belief that schools shouldn’t be the problem solvers of all the ills of the world. You need to speak to the parents as well.

motherrunner · 14/04/2021 09:42

It’s a group created by one of the students and includes every student in the whole form. It’s a whats app group so no, not monitored by the school? It’s up to the parents to monitor I would have thought? Are what’s all groups between pupils normally monitored by secondary schools?

@Mustgoon No. we monitor Teams chat as that’s been set up at the school. We can not control what happens outside of school hours.

Original poster
Mustgoon · 14/04/2021 09:56

@motherrunner

I’m a secondary school teacher and have a nearly 10 year old DD and this is why she hasn’t got a phone. The girls in her class do and they WhatsApp, I don’t care if she’ll be a social outcast, I want to protect her. With the prevalence of social media cyber bullying and sexualisation at a younger age is becoming all the more concerning.

I would report it to the school but I’m also of the belief that schools shouldn’t be the problem solvers of all the ills of the world. You need to speak to the parents as well.

But I have no clue who the parents are or any numbers? During this last year of lockdowns, isolations and online learning, if my DD had not had a phone she would literally have no friends right now. She didn’t know anyone from primary who was going to her new school and all primary friends have moved on to new friends in their own schools anyway. She had 4 weeks of isolation in the Autumn term due to others in her form testing positive. Would you really have had her sitting in her room or kitsch on a laptop not speaking to anyone other children but knowing that they were all speaking to each other every day?
OP posts:
Bubbles16395 · 14/04/2021 09:56

I am a teacher and Head of Year for Y7s. As PP have said screen shot and sent to your DDs Head of Year - I would do so today and not wait until term starts, it may get seen before or may not, but it’s worth sending.
Also you could have a look at this website which breaks down what is considered to be normal and abnormal behaviour at various ages, to give you a better idea of what is normal for all children.
www.bark.us/blog/appropriate-age-sexual-curiosity/

LostwithJin · 14/04/2021 09:59

I've seen messages similar to this on my kids phone from the form whats app group.
I saw it after it had been reported to the school.
But as it was outside of school hours it's parents responsibility to monitor their kids phones/Internet access according to a school email we all received.
The child in question was spoken to apparently but no more information was shared.
The group chat now varies from homework to tv shows to what boys the girls like. Seems innocent for the moment. Just have to keep checking regularly to see what they are sending.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2021 10:06

motherrunner
Lots of 9 year olds (year 5?) don’t have phones. It is standard for secondary children have phones. Your comparison is moot. It was assumed by schools that pretty much every secondary child would have access to a phone in lockdown.

Peachee · 14/04/2021 10:10

I think maybe the school need to be aware as if they encouraging these WhatsApp group it needs to be moderated really.. the kids sound a bit vulnerable..
Maybe you could speak to the school but say you don’t want yours or your daughters name brought up.. I don’t know what power they hold over the control of the kids phones though..
It’s a shame really as it’s probably a great idea in principle it’s just the small percentage who ruin it for everybody else..

Theglassmakerofmurano · 14/04/2021 10:13

@TimeForTeaAndG

Screen grab and flag it to the school.
Definitely. I would want to know if my 11 year old daughter were engaging in chat like this. There could be something concerning that has sparked this kind of chat.
Mistressinthetulips · 14/04/2021 10:15

There is a tiktok song about having a threesome - it's usually used in quite a jokey video. Would not surprise me that an 11 year old would know the phrase. I'm more surprised that a pp says their son has made it to 11 without knowing who Hitler is - even at primary there is usually some reference to Holocaust Memorial Day for example.

namesnamesnamesnames · 14/04/2021 10:17

Shocking. No, not at all normal. My child's group is full of silly nonsense and some risky swearing at most.

ZenNudist · 14/04/2021 10:18

Screen grab and flag it to the school.

^this

Also leave the chat and talk to your dd about it. You have to address this and make her understand that she should never feel that this is normal adult behaviour