People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

Our dd went no contact because she decided she no longer had use for us....but only after she’d used us for childcare (and pretty much everything else) throughout their young lives. Once she had no further use for us she discarded us like an old sock.

It's all down to personal choice at the end of the day. Remember on here we only ever hear what the OP actually wants us to hear and there could well be more going on, and of course it some cases it may be more trivial.

@fluffysocks89

Our dd went no contact because she decided she no longer had use for us....but only after she’d used us for childcare (and pretty much everything else) throughout their young lives. Once she had no further use for us she discarded us like an old sock.

That is so sad.

@fluffysocks89

Our dd went no contact because she decided she no longer had use for us....but only after she’d used us for childcare (and pretty much everything else) throughout their young lives. Once she had no further use for us she discarded us like an old sock.

Of course this could be entirely true but equally your DD might have a different perspective My father told people I ditched him when my (now) DH moved in with me because I no longer needed him for help with DIY etc. So basically I discarded him like and old sock too.

II can only hope the OP is open to hearing these opinions, because I wholeheartedly agree.
I couldn't agree more.
I can only hope it cuts both ways.

Calling it NC is new but family fallings out have been happening forever. Look at Adidas and Puma for example. When someone goes NC with their children it's usually called disowning, there wouldn't be a word for it if it didn't happen. A family friend is one of 7 siblings and only one actually speaks to all their siblings, there have been a number of disputes including inheritance that have caused the others to go NC.

My partner is NC with his abusive parents, one beat and starved him until he was big enough to fight back and the other was aware of it and did nothing, and now that the parents are divorced the look the other way parent keeps complaining about how their spouse made their life hell but refuses to acknowledge the abuse suffered by their children. They are very difficult people who fall out with friends and family all the time and take constant legal action at any perceived slight. They don't know our address but we have legal cover as part of the house insurance in case they find out and start one of their harassment campaigns against us. They would probably claim they don't know why my partner doesn't want to speak to them but they have been told they just refuse to accept the reasons.

It can be difficult to understand if you haven't had to do it yourself, it reminds me of a friend in her 20s who said her parents were awful because they gave her dog away and I agreed that was terrible, but over time I learned she was very irresponsible and left all the care to her parents and her father had had a stroke and her mother didn't feel she had the energy to care for the dog and her husband. I ended up thinking her parents made the right decision. I think most people who go NC probably made the right decision too.

For someone with apparently no agenda it’s quite interesting that you’ve pretty much only commented on posts talking about it from the side of the parent.

As others have said, YABU because:

1. You never know the full story - what may seem minor to you may not be minor to someone else
2. You particularly don’t know the full story, which probably spans several decades, from a post on Mumsnet 😂
3. You shouldn’t take what you read on Mumsnet as a broader reflection on society
4. Abusive parents nearly always deny their abuse and try to spin it as a punishment for one minor trivial mistake - it’s a recognised feature of abuse
5. People are allowed to decide what behaviour they will and won’t tolerate

What about parents who have toxic abusive children? I'll ask again. Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

Have you never heard the expression ‘I blame the parents’? Because a lot of parents of toxic children will blame themselves and feel responsible for and obliged to try to ‘fix’ that behaviour. Whilst I’m sure there are children who blame themselves for the way their parents treat them (largely because they’ve been beaten down by abusive behaviour), I’d say it’s far less common for a child to feel responsible for their parents’ behaviour.

According to my mother I went NC due to my partner. In fact I went NC because I wasn't going to allow her to play mind games and treat my children the way I had been treated all my life and it was a little lie that finally broke me. I actually didn't speak to her for 10 years. Then due to family ill health I made contact, she was allowed to meet her grandchildren and she was warned that this was her last chance and that no lies/bullshit/golden child/toxic behaviour would be tolerated.

She continued to behave for a few months but predictably fell back into her previous behaviours. So her grandchildren who "meant the world to her" weren't in fact enough for her to stop abusing me, the mother of her grandchildren.

She died 2 years ago. Yes my kids deserve a loving grandma type but my mother was not that. Leopards do not change their spots. I had 20 years of mental, physical and emotional abuse and neglect from mother, stuff that I still struggle with now. My children deserve better.

There is an Estrangement thread on Gransnet. The Support for those living with Estrangement is interesting. Sometimes the man or woman marrying into the family can take control of the son or daughter and cause disruption to the family relationship, even after being welcomed into the family. Parents are not always at fault.

@likeamillpond

II can only hope the OP is open to hearing these opinions, because I wholeheartedly agree. I couldn't agree more. I can only hope it cuts both ways.

When you say you hope it cuts both ways it sounds like you are minimising the abusive behaviours. Honestly do you think people go NC over a minor slight? They dont. Its usually years of hidden abuse and the victim/ scapegoat reaches the final straw. Then it usually ramps up with the toxic family member sending their flying monkeys to ramp up the pressure and guilt tripping with "you have gone NC over a silly thing" If it hasnt happened to you and you have lovely, supportive, kind family members its inconceivable that people can behave like this. Dont forget that abusive people arent abusive to everyone, they save it for their chosen victim and are charming to outsiders.

OP, go on Relationship board and read up a bit. I recommend Stately Homes thread where hopefully you will understand why people go NC, why some people want but can’t and why is it so difficult.

How some people could be so cruel to their family is beyond my understanding,even more so when they are repetitively asked to stop doing it.Then comes the proverbial last straw which sometimes seems very insignificant and Snap!

Abusive behaviour sometimes extends to grandchildren,it causes lots of issues in later life, serious MH problems and wrong life choices sometimesdetrimental to victims.

My father was NC with me, instigated by his DP- her family was on pedestal while mine was told to not keep in touch.His family had to step in and bury him when he died as she couldn’t (not married).

My FIL also has his balls in his darling wife’s handbag, same dynamic applies.Her kids and grandkids are the favourites, ours were an afterthought.

Scapegoat treatment of DH and several episodes of treating him like shit resulted in NC. We didn’t want our kids to come last in the pecking order(even cousins children got better treatment).

NC is not easy but sometimes has to be done to protect the victim from further abuse.

Not everybody has loving and caring parents. It’s very difficult for people with normal upbringing to understand abused person’s POV and very often the trot out the line “you can only have one mother/father”

I'm NC with one sibling. My mum tells people it's because he got married in secret - it isn't. But for her to vocalise the real reason she would have to face up to the fact that her husband /our dad was a psychotic monster and she won't ever do that. She failed us as a mother and she knows it. I tried my hardest to keep the family together but it nearly killed me and I had to cut the sibling out for my own sanity. Interestingly my other sibling went NC 10 years before me but DM was OK with this because I spoke to both of them so she could pretend all was OK. As soon as I put my foot down all hell broke loose. To suggest this is an easy choice or fashionable is to willfully fail to understand how complex these situations are. Plus to be frank none of your business if it doesn't affect you.

i posted on another thread(wills) about two families going NC with a parent. Forward many years ( thirty years in one case) and both of the families who have chosen to go NC are now trying to re-establish a relationship because they are worried about missing out on inheritance. One situation concerned teenage sons who cut contact with their father on divorce. He moved heaven and earth to try and see his sons. They also cut contact with their grandmother who had done so much for them. Both sons are now late forties, early fifties They are now wailing about missing out on a considerable inheritance. Their father has just died. Their grandmother, still alive in her nineties, inherited a couple of million from her unmarried brother very recently. The sons are now sending her lots of letters asking to visit her. All the monies will go to the other grandchildren who have been her lifeline for so long.
Similar case with wealthy in laws who after many years have been besieged with offers of reconciliation. Their wonderful niece has stepped in to the role of surrogate daughter. All their money is now willed to their niece.
Once you decide on a NC role you have to accept the consequences.

It’s worth bearing in mind that one person’s toxic parent is someone else’s toxic child.

I imagine that there are people on here who are even NC with their own families will have children who will go NC with them at some point.

It’s very easy to take a black and white view of things. I know of people who were severely abused by their parents and as such have nothing more to do with them. However, I equally know someone whose child has turned out to be a toxic compulsive liar, to the extent they have lied about their other parent’s death, down to talking about the funeral etc. The parent is alive and well. If I were the other parent’s partner I would babe giving them a choice, me or that adult child.

But equally there are situations where people just can’t take criticism, and I’m afraid to say that almost every action a parent has ever taken against a child now is almost termed abuse by some and reasons to go NC.

Parent has an opinion on bringing up children? Obviously the way they did it was abusive.

Parent made the kids do chores? Abusive.

And that minimises the actual abuse that children suffer at the hands of their parents.

@trixies

I struggle to believe that this is posted in good faith, but seconding others who've said that the reason you don't know anyone in real life who's gone NC is because threads like this exist. It's a stigma, people judge the fuck out of you, and it's incredibly personal.

I'm NC (emotional abuse, which I suspect you don't think counts) and only my closest friends and my boss know about it.

I'm part of a UK charity (Stand Alone) which holds meetings for both adult children estranged from parents and parents estranged from adult children. It is a real life thing, and if you can't understand why anyone would do something as self-injurious as cutting off a parent, then thank your lucky stars and find something more productive to concern yourself with.

I had a lot of support from Stand Alone a few years ago. They were great. At that point it was estrangement from any family member, I went to process losing my brother.

@Frankley

There is an Estrangement thread on Gransnet. The Support for those living with Estrangement is interesting. Sometimes the man or woman marrying into the family can take control of the son or daughter and cause disruption to the family relationship, even after being welcomed into the family. Parents are not always at fault.

Or someone coming into the family shows you that your families behaviour isn’t “normal” and the problem might not actually be you.

My DDs have both needed therapy to recover from what their alcoholic emotionally abusive dad did. They did not go NC lightly. I did support them when they made that choice, as did the advisors on the parenting course I attended. My late husband just played the victim about it - but fortunately nobody bought it, not even his nearest and dearest.

He went around saying his DDs cut him off 'because he texted them too much. No.

I went NC with a few in laws but they were narcs, emotionally abused my DC and stole a lot money off my DC too and then had the cheek to demand money off us!
I don't regret it.

I do think going NC over trivial things is a little silly though.

I don’t think people really go nc or lc for general annoyances which is what you are suggesting. It is a series of considerations all based around one question, is there RESPECT in your relationship. If the answer is no then the relationship needs to change and one way of doing that which reduces pain and hurt is nc. That action shows you have self respect and makes it clear that if a relationship is to pick up it needs to be part going forward. If it isn’t then you will not compromise your self respect by continuing the relationship. It is always a shame and a big decision when it’s family but it is important that people feel empowered to live their lives.

This is such a painful thread to read, particularly peoples examples of how it’s affected them. I don’t believe that anyone takes NC or even LC lightly. Being driven to the point where you can’t put up with the way someone is treating you anymore is not a situation one would treat lightly.
People are generally more aware of assertiveness nowadays and the fact that they have the right to say no, but they also understand that standing up for themselves and settling boundaries and saying no can have adverse consequences. It’s often very hard to do but sometimes the pain of that is worth not being oppressed

Of course this could be entirely true but equally your DD might have a different perspective
My father told people I ditched him when my (now) DH moved in with me because I no longer needed him for help with DIY etc. So basically I discarded him like and old sock too
Well it is true, I have no reason to lie. If she had any cause to fault us she should have pushed us out of her life years before, but she needed us for unpaid childcare and loads of other stuff that we gladly did. Everybody saw what she did, we didn’t need to exaggerate for sympathy.....Since she fell out with us she now seems to be excluding herself from the rest of the family. Her children love us as do our other children. Her excuse for falling out with us is so trivial it’s untrue.....let’s face it if we could all dredge up something petty from our childhoods we weren’t happy about at the time if we wanted to. Fortunately most of us don’t. I just hope her own kids don’t ever treat her the same and be tolerant of any failings they see in her.

Everybodies stories are different though aren’t they, I agree that most cases of children that go nc with their parents is for good valid reasons, toxic vile parents etc, and I absolutely agree it’s the right thing to do. I was just mentioning that that is not always the case. Not for us anyway.

Dont forget that abusive people arent abusive to everyone, they save it for their chosen victim and are charming to outsiders.

Yes. People can be very charming/disarming to cover their abuse. In company my brother would shrug his shoulders and give a little laugh and say he had no idea why I wouldn't talk to him, and would then make a little comment with a shake of his head about how he'd tried so hard to help me/no-one likes me + I have no friends/I'd been so horrible/my 'mental health problems'. I know this because I made the mistake of offering mediation with a counsellor and he ran all this and more out to her in the first session.

@Frankley

There is an Estrangement thread on Gransnet. The Support for those living with Estrangement is interesting. Sometimes the man or woman marrying into the family can take control of the son or daughter and cause disruption to the family relationship, even after being welcomed into the family. Parents are not always at fault.

This is the way that story is almost always spun. Let me guess they have no idea what they did to cause their children to go so far as to become estranged from them. They never do. The children insist they do know. I find this very perplexing.

Of course those marrying into the family will take a disproportionate amount of blame, especially the women. But this too is odd. Men do have agency. They are not puppets who are that malleable or easily manipulated; they are adults with minds and a decision-making capacity of their own.

For parents to examine their own relationships with their children, sons in particular, would be painful and require some introspection on their own behaviour. Understandably that's difficult. The interloper makes for an easy scapegoat.