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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I shouldn't have been invited

122 replies

LadyHedgehog · 12/04/2021 14:55

DP has two siblings. His parents would like to do something to celebrate his mum's 60th at the start of May so we are looking at outside with the rule of six. One sibling is single, but the other one has a girlfriend of about a year, so nobody has seen her much in person, although we have met her over Zoom etc.

Basically, the girlfriend has not been invited to the celebration, because that would make seven. I feel very guilty that I am invited and she is not. I'm not sure there is anything to be done at this point though. I don't think me making an excuse will help at all, because she would still be a 'backup' option. I just think it would have been better if they had kept it to the five of them!

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 12/04/2021 14:56

Yeah if I was his brother I wouldn’t be going. Incredibly rude.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/04/2021 14:58

I don't understand why you would feel incredibly guilty or indeed why the poster above thinks it's incredibly rude. If you want to go just go.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2021 14:59

How long have you been together op?

PurpleDaisies · 12/04/2021 15:01

How long have you and dp been together?

You don’t have to go but if you’ve been together for ages, I don’t think it’s wrong that you were invited and the girlfriend wasn’t.

Cattitudes · 12/04/2021 15:04

I think it depends what the brother thinks. At a year in, especially with Covid they might not be too bothered, also depends how serious he is about her.

Original poster

LadyHedgehog · 12/04/2021 15:05

@SleepingStandingUp

How long have you been together op?

We've been together six years.

I just feel that she and I have the same 'status' (partner of offspring) so we should be both be included or excluded in events. Obviously Covid would mean excluded in this case.

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 12/04/2021 15:06

Having a family celebration and inviting one child’s established partner but not the other is rude. If you’re that bothered about the rules then wait a few weeks. And yes, I know it’s the rules and yes I know you can celebrate your birthday when you want and invite who you want. People can also think you rude for it.

FeelinHappy · 12/04/2021 15:07

Key missing bits of info are how long you've been with DP and how close you are to his/her family.

Rule of 6 does mean drawing some arbitrary lines that you wouldn't otherwise make, but it's more important than politeness at the moment. You're clearly welcome, just do your bit and help make your DP's mum's day special. There will be plenty of other opportunities for the other girlfriend to be involved.

lilroo87 · 12/04/2021 15:07

As you've been together for 6 years it makes sense to invite you.
You should just go as you didn't decide the rules or decide who they invited

Rukaya · 12/04/2021 15:08

They know you, they don't know her. I'm not seeing the issue here at all.

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 15:08

I think they should just invite her too! So there'll be 7 of you, big deal.

But yeah, it's a bit rude to not invite the other girlfriend IMO.

FireflyRainbow · 12/04/2021 15:08

You've been together 6 years, they know you. She is still a stranger. Yes they have been together a year but that years been during this shit show. YABU

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 12/04/2021 15:09

They had one space left and used it to invite someone his mum knows and (presumably) likes rather than someone she’s never met.
Seems fair enough to me.

Original poster

LadyHedgehog · 12/04/2021 15:12

@littlepattilou

I think they should just invite her too! So there'll be 7 of you, big deal.

But yeah, it's a bit rude to not invite the other girlfriend IMO.

Breaking the law is not an option for us.

OP posts:

ForeverAintEnough12 · 12/04/2021 15:13

I think you’re overreacting. I wasn’t invited to a family meal for my now DH dad 60th but his brothers girlfriend was. The timelines were similar with them together years and us only around a year. I sent a present anyway (bottle of whiskey) and they had a nice time. It was his birthday not mine.

And now there’s the rule of 6 which means they are stuck and obviously the person who knows the birthday person least should be the one not to go.

I don’t know if people find reasons to be offended and overreact these days. I got on great with my DFIL and I know he liked me a lot (he’s passed away now unfortunately) he just didn’t know me that well at the time!

Original poster

LadyHedgehog · 12/04/2021 15:13

@lilroo87

As you've been together for 6 years it makes sense to invite you. You should just go as you didn't decide the rules or decide who they invited

Sounds like I might be over-thinking it. Thinking about it this way helps ease the guilt!

OP posts:

emilyfrost · 12/04/2021 15:17

YABU and overthinking it. It’s not up to you who is invited, you either accept or decline but don’t base that on who else may or may not be invited.

notalwaysalondoner · 12/04/2021 15:18

Families have very different views on the 'status' of partners of their direct family. My family didn't invite my (now) DH on holidays until we'd been together 6+ years, even though we go away together every year. DH and I were fine with this, but some would find it very odd. Certainly my family would regard a girlfriend of a year that they'd probably barely met due to Covid not at all the same 'status' as a 6+ year partner they know well.

I'd say just accept the rules mean it's only 6 of you, don't assume the girlfriend is offended as she may not have the slightest interest in attending, and move on.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 15:21

What's unreasonable is not all 7 of you going. Ridiculous. But well, stay home then.

Citybear · 12/04/2021 15:21

Maybe it’s being seen as a reunion and the pressure of a new partner to keep happy feels too intrusive on a close group initially, but would be welcomed at the next event where it can be more about welcoming them. (Speaking as someone who can struggle socially)

LadyGAgain · 12/04/2021 15:21

Why wouldn't they delay celebrations by 2 weeks to be able to have more than 6 outside?

Alsohuman · 12/04/2021 15:24

@osbertthesyrianhamster

What's unreasonable is not all 7 of you going. Ridiculous. But well, stay home then.

Completely agree unless Coronavirus has suddenly learnt to count.

saraclara · 12/04/2021 15:29

@LadyIsabellaWrotham

They had one space left and used it to invite someone his mum knows and (presumably) likes rather than someone she’s never met. Seems fair enough to me.

Yep. It's mum's day, so she has the guests that she wants. It's her 60th for goodness' sake. Plenty of time for her to meet the other girlfriend now.

expectopelargonium · 12/04/2021 15:32

Easy solution - speak to the PILs and offer for sibling's gf to go instead of you so that she can meet the family properly, and you will see the PILs earlier in the day/another time instead.

I'm sure they will think it is a kind offer.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/04/2021 15:36

Are you talking about a gathering in the garden or a pub/restaurant? If it's a garden then I'd def do all 7, if it's a pub/restaurant then they won't allow it, so no choice there. Unless you book two tables next to each other.

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