Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 11/04/2021 20:23

I assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy.

Where on earth did you get that from?

Candyfloss99 · 11/04/2021 20:23

Are you split up with your DH or why do you split up your time with your children like this? Do you never see him? Would you really have to take them for a while weekend because he did? This sounds so weird.

Oldbutstillgotit · 11/04/2021 20:23

This thread reminds me of a weird situation DH and I encountered on holiday a few years ago . Couple with 3 DC aged about 4-8 . They had an alarm clock which they set so- for example- Dad had 2 hours reading/ whatever while Mum was in pool with the DC / playing with them then the alarm went off and they swapped . One day Dad went cycling and was obviously late back so Mum insisted on an extra 20 minutes .
It was bizarre but kept me entertained!

MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 20:24

So you both have a morning and you both have an afternoon on the weekend? Do you not do things altogether? When do you see your H. Or take the kids out together as a family?

Justmuddlingalong · 11/04/2021 20:24

He also had the kids three nights a week in his room from a few weeks old and then went to work the next day so he's a trooper!
I'm confused, can you explain this?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2021 20:24

@Usernamqwerty

As mentioned, we both work full-time so alternate having the kids in the mornings at the weekend so we both get a lie-in... I have Saturday afternoon to do my own thing and DH has Sunday afternoons.

I assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy... I have mh problems including stress and looking after the kids on my own is a big trigger for me. I would love a weekend away but then would have to have them on my own another weekend in return. As mentioned I can't take any annual leave as I have very little left after our family holiday in June as I am leaving work at the end of August.

As I work full-time, I have to make the most of the weekend.

Pre-Covid, we did family stuff on Sunday mornings.

I get time off for myself but I can still cope with a full weekend of parenting.
ElleDubloo · 11/04/2021 20:24

@Usernamqwerty

As mentioned, we both work full-time so alternate having the kids in the mornings at the weekend so we both get a lie-in... I have Saturday afternoon to do my own thing and DH has Sunday afternoons.

I assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy... I have mh problems including stress and looking after the kids on my own is a big trigger for me. I would love a weekend away but then would have to have them on my own another weekend in return. As mentioned I can't take any annual leave as I have very little left after our family holiday in June as I am leaving work at the end of August.

As I work full-time, I have to make the most of the weekend.

Pre-Covid, we did family stuff on Sunday mornings.

It sounds like you’re just tired, OP, and it’s ok to say that. You don’t need to give a convoluted explanation to your friend which sounds like it’s made up. You can just tell her you’re too tired.
Candyfloss99 · 11/04/2021 20:25

@Usernamqwerty

That's right Annie, downtime should be equal.

DH works very long hours (sometimes all-nighters) in a stressful job and needs his downtime too.

He also had the kids three nights a week in his room from a few weeks old and then went to work the next day so he's a trooper!

You have separate rooms and take the children on a rota basis? Just call him your ex.
weightedblanketlove · 11/04/2021 20:25

My kids at 2 and 4 were bloody exhausting. Both high energy, bad sleepers and would wake by 5am at the latest. There was little downtime. It didn't stop me taking them away for the weekend by myself or DH going away but I would be exhausted by Sunday night.

They are older now, still high energy but sleep better which makes all the difference. Give the op a break.

I think it would also depend on the friend. I'm an introvert. Some friends would leave me drained spending a weekend with, even though I love their company in short bursts.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 11/04/2021 20:25

This is a bit... odd.
Mine are 7, 5 and 2. Yes they’re exhausting. But both DH and I manage to look after them on our own for whole weekends while the other one is away doing something on a fairly regular basis.
If I’ve got them on my own for a weekend and I’m exhausted then I go to bed early.
It sounds so transactional. We don’t keep count of who has had more weekends away/free time, it just sort of averages out. DH once went to a wedding in the south of France 4 days (when the DC were 6, 4 and 1), and I have a 3 night trip away booked for August with a friend (fingers crossed it can go ahead). We both work full time.
If you don’t want to go then that’s fine. But I can see why your friend is a bit put out by your excuse.

SubCoral · 11/04/2021 20:25

That’s really odd that you do EOW childcare with your DH. How do you think SAHP manage looking after their DC 24/7.

DH and I both work full time, then look after our 2 DC (similar ages) between us at the weekend. I’d be fine doing it myself though.

Kitkat151 · 11/04/2021 20:26

@Oldbutstillgotit

This thread reminds me of a weird situation DH and I encountered on holiday a few years ago . Couple with 3 DC aged about 4-8 . They had an alarm clock which they set so- for example- Dad had 2 hours reading/ whatever while Mum was in pool with the DC / playing with them then the alarm went off and they swapped . One day Dad went cycling and was obviously late back so Mum insisted on an extra 20 minutes . It was bizarre but kept me entertained!
Some weird people around 🙄
sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/04/2021 20:26

We both work full time, still don't need such a regimental approach. Whilst raising ours we have both worked full time, managed to do some studying and managed to have hobbies. We aren't superhuman or anything special, just what I always assumed was normal, absolutely no different to most of the people I know irl

Tallybo · 11/04/2021 20:26

i assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy...

That's a big assumption! Personally I find it odd that you'd have to pay time back, me and DH both have time to ourselves, if I said I had the chance for a weekend away he'd be like okay cool (unless it was every weekend I guess) and then vice versa without any expectation to make up for it.

Jenala · 11/04/2021 20:26

There's having time for yourself, which as you say is unhealthy to lose, and there's having a weird transactional arrangement with the other parent where everything has to be strictly equal. Probably part of the reason you guys find it so exhausting is you only ever parent singlehandedly? If you take it in turns to lay in, and then have an afternoon each to yourselves, when is time all together? When do your kids get mum and dad together apart from a few hours on a Sunday morning?

My children have the same age gap and yeah it's tiring at times but just seems a bit extreme, like you're both scared you won't be able to cope. My DH and I vaguely have a sense of evenness in terms of time to ourselves but don't track it. And a one off weekend should be something you can do.

Having no flexibility sounds exhausting and would make me feel trapped, no wonder you don't sound like you much enjoy parenting.

shouldistop · 11/04/2021 20:27

I assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy...

Umm no. Today for instance dh took the kids to the park twice for 90 mins each time (the baby is bf so had to come back for feeds).
DH didn't have any time to himself this weekend but I'm sure he will another time.
The unhealthy thing is having such a strict regime about it, your kids are going to end up sensing they're a chore to you both.
I'm on maternity leave just now but if I was working full time I don't think I'd want to go away for a weekend as I'd miss the children, not because I'd be dreading looking after them another weekend.
The past year has been very hard for parents of young children and perhaps you need some support from your gp.

mooonstone · 11/04/2021 20:27

Erm, does your husband actually like you? Because he otherwise shouldn’t begrudge you, his stressed and mentally ill wife, having 1 weekend away to relax. You might take Saturdays and Sunday’s in turns, but healthy relationships are able to accommodate one-off exceptions. He shouldn’t mind looking after them this once if it places you in better spirits surely

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 11/04/2021 20:28

I assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy...

I get plenty of time to myself, as does DH. Including weekends away with our respective friends.

Doris86 · 11/04/2021 20:29

@Usernamqwerty

As mentioned, we both work full-time so alternate having the kids in the mornings at the weekend so we both get a lie-in... I have Saturday afternoon to do my own thing and DH has Sunday afternoons.

I assume from the responses on here that no-one seems to get any time off for yourself which is frankly unhealthy... I have mh problems including stress and looking after the kids on my own is a big trigger for me. I would love a weekend away but then would have to have them on my own another weekend in return. As mentioned I can't take any annual leave as I have very little left after our family holiday in June as I am leaving work at the end of August.

As I work full-time, I have to make the most of the weekend.

Pre-Covid, we did family stuff on Sunday mornings.

Don’t you want to make the most of your weekend by spending time with your children? It’s as though you see having your children as a chore which you need time off from.

For us weekends are family time where we enjoy being together as a family. If my husband or I want time to do something with a friend then no problem, the other one can have the children. However we don’t keep a diary to make sure that each one has equal ‘time off’. That’s just bizarre.

worried3012 · 11/04/2021 20:29

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔
I'm not for judging people, each to their own, but I can only give you my experience. I'm a single mother working full time and I have found it exhausting never having time off. But everyone is different ,I get that. Also I did have the occasional free time when my DC were at my ex's. He would often flake out though. I have to warn you though, I don't find it gets easier when they get older. Certain things are easier but there are always new challenges and difficulties with every age. I'm finding pre teen/teen stage currently quite difficult.

Can you not 'pay' your husband his turn back another time and not necessarily immediately? Have you spoken to him about it? Do you really want to go? If you don't then that's different.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2021 20:29

@Oldbutstillgotit

This thread reminds me of a weird situation DH and I encountered on holiday a few years ago . Couple with 3 DC aged about 4-8 . They had an alarm clock which they set so- for example- Dad had 2 hours reading/ whatever while Mum was in pool with the DC / playing with them then the alarm went off and they swapped . One day Dad went cycling and was obviously late back so Mum insisted on an extra 20 minutes . It was bizarre but kept me entertained!
That is truly bizarre and yet I can totally picture it in my mind 😅
JustLyra · 11/04/2021 20:29

@Usernamqwerty

That's right Annie, downtime should be equal.

DH works very long hours (sometimes all-nighters) in a stressful job and needs his downtime too.

He also had the kids three nights a week in his room from a few weeks old and then went to work the next day so he's a trooper!

As mentioned, we both work full-time so alternate having the kids in the mornings at the weekend so we both get a lie-in... I have Saturday afternoon to do my own thing and DH has Sunday afternoons.

Are you separated, but still living together?

Firsttimegreyhoundmum · 11/04/2021 20:29

Do your DC go to nursery? I would recommend getting a part time nanny or babysitter so that you and DH could go out together sometimes.

Alternatively could you or both of you go down to 4 days per week? It would take the pressure off and mean there are 2 days in the working week to play with to cover DC illnesses.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 20:29

Thanks for your comments. I think I will ask my GP for thyroid tests as I am exhausted a lot of the time 😞

OP posts:
Onairjunkie · 11/04/2021 20:29

Just here to join the throngs of incredulous posters. Plenty of people have stress/anxiety/depression etc and manage to look after their offspring every day, let alone two days in a row on the weekend.