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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
Hesma · 11/04/2021 22:07

Lame excuse... what’s the real reason? Good job you’re not a single parent like me. If I can cope 10/14 surely you can manage one weekend 🤣

LemonadeSunshine · 11/04/2021 22:08
Flowers I have only one DC and find parenting exhausting at times too, my thoughts are very much with you. Downtime is essential, and whilst I don't have as much downtime as OH, his MH issues always have to be considered, so I understand how it's precious and sometimes needs meting out to ensure everyone has space. I've found that friends without kids often don't always 'get' it, and some friendships have drifted, but I think that's part of growing up, and sometimes apart. Take care!
WilsonMilson · 11/04/2021 22:10

What a bizarre set up with your DH for looking after your dc’s, very cold and transactional. And surely it’s no biggie to look after them for a weekend, they’re not babies. You friend probably thought it sounded like a shit excuse, which it is.

CazM2012 · 11/04/2021 22:10

Do you spend time together? All four of you? Only because it seems one will be “on duty” am whilst the other lies in, then swap for your afternoon of “you time” I get the need for alone time and think it’s great that it can be achieved but what about time together all of you?
I understand your friends reaction a bit though, it just sounds like a poor excuse as it’s not a common way of working things.

moochingtothepub · 11/04/2021 22:11

The kids are a poor excuse, many of us had our kids 24/7 (plus mine have sn) at similar age gaps, in my case exh worked 7 days a week and frequently was away on trips out of town - I didn't get time off to compensate! Surely you do stuff as a family anyway? If not I would seriously reevaluate your life

If you don't want a whole weekend just tell her.

Shortiemyboo · 11/04/2021 22:11

You set up is so strange! However you are entitled to live how you like. Its not tit for tat or is it?

Planty13 · 11/04/2021 22:12

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a weekend away but saying no because you will have to look after your own kids is bizarre and I’d be WTF if I was her too.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/04/2021 22:16

Dh and I dont keep count of weekends away/nights "on duty" with the kids. It generally evens out. He takes time as he needs, I take time as I need.

Being so.....transactional....well, I would find that exhausting more than the kids!

Bobbots · 11/04/2021 22:18

I get it OP. I really do. Although my DD does have some additional needs, they are not that severe, but she is really exhausting. She’s 2 and bedtime can be a battle and then she is often up multiple times in the night and then awake for the day from 6am, sometimes naps but not always so then it’s a full on day. She can only play independently for literally a few minutes, even the TV doesn’t really keep her happy. On the occasions when DH has been away all weekend I am really on my knees by Sunday afternoon as it feels pretty relentless even though she is also hilarious and lovely etc. I don’t have MH problems to contend with either. Me and DH also try to roughly give each other an equal amount of time alone to relax, for example today he took her to the park this morning for a couple of hours while I had a nice bath and then this afternoon I took her round to my mums (our bubble) while he went for a run.

Having said that, if I told him I wanted to go away for a whole weekend he would be supportive and wouldn’t immediately say “ok I will book in my turn now then”. That does seem quite odd in that you would then “owe” him straight away. My DH would just say ok no worries and then further down the line he would probably have a stag do or some other event and I would do my turn of having her the whole weekend. It wouldn’t become a point scoring thing unless one of us was really taking the piss and having way more time away than the other. Maybe you could both try to be a bit more flexible? To enable you to both actually go to stuff that you want to without immediately wondering when you are going to have to “serve your time” to pay for your time away?

Ileflottante · 11/04/2021 22:24

Ugh. I know it’s cynical and ‘not in the spirit’ and all that bollocks but I am always narked off and suspicious when someone starts a thread in AIBU that is so pathetic it elicits typical responses, but then is countered by a whopping great drip feed about mental health and general health and disability etc, that no posters can then mention without looking like a total arsehole... 🙄

Bobbots · 11/04/2021 22:24

Also I don’t agree when pp say “some people are single parents how do you think they/we manage it”. Presumably the OP would just have to manage it if she became a single parent but that doesn’t mean it’s desirable for her or that she should be expected to immediately manage the kids on her own all the time when she is used to weekend care being shared 50/50.

It also always surprises me that so many women on MN are supposedly in support of the idea that men should share the care of their kids 50% of the time (eg on threads where the woman is saying her DH works full time but then doesn’t do much to “help out” with the kids, or when the woman is on maternity leave and people say that when the DH is home everything should be shared 50/50) but then also simultaneously seem to think that it’s odd for relaxing/spare time to be split evenly.

Operasinger · 11/04/2021 22:26

Sometimes posters get a really hard time on Mumsnet. This is one of those times.

For you @Usernamqwerty 🍷🌺🌺🌺

tillyandmilly · 11/04/2021 22:28

Can I ask - don't mean to sound rude - but why did you have kids?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 22:28

Op does your husband also struggle as you do with the kids, is this why you both have to work it the way you do and needed a case worker?

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2021 22:30

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔
Do you never have both your children at the same time together or have I misunderstood?
Bobbots · 11/04/2021 22:33

@tillyandmilly that is really harsh, OP has already explained her MH issues which may or may not have been present before children. Also, show me anyone who realised just how tough it is to be a parent before they actually became one and I’ll show you a liar.

Rowofducks · 11/04/2021 22:33

I find this odd too. I’ve been a single parent of three for quite a while now. Dad isn’t about so it’s just me all the time. It’s exhausting but I would do anything for a weekend of fun. The only time I get off is work and even that’s working with kids.

PegasusReturns · 11/04/2021 22:34

@MrsKoala it’s a “jolly” that would presumably give her breathing space and potentially alleviate some of the stress of her MH condition.

A person who expects a quid pro quo arrangement when their partner is clearly suffering from the strain of parenting is frankly not with having.

FrozenVag · 11/04/2021 22:34

Op stop being such a wuss 😂

Stillgoings · 11/04/2021 22:36

Yanbu if you don't want to.go for the whole weekend. Both.you and your DH being so desperate to be away from the kids does seem a bit sad though. I'm likely looking at it through rose tinted glasses.now mine are teenagers and prefer not to speak to me - but it does get much easier and more fun fairly soon

FrozenVag · 11/04/2021 22:36

Sorry! Didn’t realise there were MH issues Flowers

I found in the midst of my baby years, a weekend away did me the world of good and was always a good trade off. Worth it every time to be honest

HoppingPavlova · 11/04/2021 22:36

Just tell your friend the truth, that you can’t manage a whole weekend as you are ill. Don’t make it about the children as that sounds unbelievable so I can understand why she is upset. It made no sense at all until your update re MH issues so if you are honest and say you are unwell and cannot manage an entire weekend due to this she would be more understanding. The odd part is though you expect people to be understanding to you and then seem to kick the boot in to others, with your friend sleeping in of a weekend for instance.

You also need to go have your bloods done. The repetition about yourself and DH both working full-time with challenging, long jobs does not explain what you are describing. Many people do this and have no issue with looking after their kids alone on a weekend. When ours were young I used to work 12hr shifts (min, usually more) on a weekend and DH would look after them no problem, no help, no family around. Similarly, I would launch straight into it on a Mon when he went off to work then tag team with him on of a day and I on night shift to avoid/minimise daycare. Sure, it was exhausting but that’s life and it’s got a shelf-life (may be several years, but light at the end of a tunnel). I also don’t know how anyone thinks the concept of small children and downtime go together as that’s not the case at all, there is none and never has been. Imagine asking your great grandmother about all of her downtime with her kids, nothing has changed!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/04/2021 22:36

I find it weird that you can't manage a weekend with your kids without divvying up the time with your DH.

CovidHalloween · 11/04/2021 22:39

@Usernamqwerty
You are NOT being unreasonable. Another two years, it will be much easier OP.
You have my sympathies.
Some parents I know left their kids similar ages to your, with their other half to go and enjoy a two day break somewhere. It works for some people but not everyone. People need to stop leaving unsympathetic comments on here. Everyone’s experiences are different.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/04/2021 22:40

My kids are 18m and 4. Dh works full time and I do 4 days a week, both in stressful jobs and with a bit of extra working in evenings sometimes I do pretty much 35h a week.

While I do occasionally want a break from the kids I dont find them so exhausting. Do you get enough sleep OP? I have found I need to accept I have to go to bed earlier than I might like, and lately I'm finding I need to pay attention to my diet, I don't tolerate junk food the way I did in my youth and need to ensure I drink plenty of water.