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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 11/04/2021 21:22

I’m afraid I haven’t read the whole thread (13 pages) but can’t you go away on the Friday evening and come back Sunday morning? For me, that’s a ‘weekend’ away as it’s two nights. On the Sunday it’s always nice to just get home.

You should be able to have a weekend away from your children. So should your DH. If you are going to struggle to look after them solo when it’s his ‘turn’ could you get a friend or family member to stay with you.

Your children are not your whole life and I can see why your friend is a little pissed off.

soditall56 · 11/04/2021 21:23

Op I have a similar set up with alternate lie ins at the weekend. Dh looks after dd in the afternoon to let me catch up on jobs, have a long hot shower wash my hair, self care etc. I totally get it.

I think some responses are really harsh.

Do you works for you and do what you need to.

Your friend should be a bit more understand giving your struggles and be happy for you to join regardless of the length of time you'll be there

Justmuddlingalong · 11/04/2021 21:25

Perhaps your friend is worried about your mental health and thinks a break would do you good. Granted if it's not what you want, don't go, but she might be frustrated that your DH isn't stepping up when you're struggling to cope.

Shmithecat2 · 11/04/2021 21:25

Your friend isn't the problem here, your DH is.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 11/04/2021 21:29

Yet another AIBU where the OP drip feeds some significant and highly relevant information a few pages in when the responses haven't been particularly sympathetic.

YANBU to not want to go on a weekend mini break and YANBU to find looking after kids exhausting but just tell your mate that you aren't up for it at the moment- if she is a genuine friend why not share with her about your mental health problems, maybe she will be more understanding? Her sulking is childish but she might understand if you were more honest with her.

1forAll74 · 11/04/2021 21:29

if this is the way you run you life when you have two small children, and are on your knees with exhaustion after a weekend with your two little offspring's, then this is quite worrying. It seems strange that you have to have such regimented arrangements about the child care with your Husband.

PegasusReturns · 11/04/2021 21:30

If my H had a weekend away for socialising then I would also take the same. In fact that’s always been advised on MN, so I’m surprised at how many people on here say they don’t do it equally

Yes if all things were equal but in this case they’re not. The OP has a debilitating MH condition. If she had a broken leg there would be no expectation that she would do equal caring.

Shmithecat2 · 11/04/2021 21:31

Just tell your friend that you'd love to do the whole weekend but your tight arsed, spiteful, mean and peevish 'D'H will want payback for parenting his kids for a whole weekend by himself even though he knows it will mentally and physically exhaust you.

Honestly, he sounds like a wanker.

covetingthepreciousthings · 11/04/2021 21:31

@Shmithecat2

Your friend isn't the problem here, your DH is.
Why is the DH the problem?
TheOpen · 11/04/2021 21:33

OP do you want to have this time away with your friend? It sounds like you're not bothered given she'll spend half the time in bed! I can certainly understand you guarding your free time and not wanting to waste it on something that's not really what you want to do.

Can you explain to the friend that it's not going to work for you right now but that you'd love to do something else with her a little closer to home? (Find a suggestion to show you do want to spend time with her)

I agree with your comment about seeing your GP. Maybe your iron is low, thyroid etc, or if you have anxiety maybe your GP can support.

Shmithecat2 · 11/04/2021 21:34

@covetingthepreciousthings

Why is the DH the problem?

See my next comment.

Frankola · 11/04/2021 21:35

I can't believe you apparently cannot look after your kids for the weekend alone.

I have to say, your attitude towards making sure you and your husband split childcare absolutely equally so obsessively is very strange. It almost sounds as though you view your children as a burden.

SeenYourArse · 11/04/2021 21:36

This is the most bonkers post I’ve ever read! So you are incapable of looking after your own children for a weekend and rather than have fun and enjoy life together as a family you have shifts on and off looking after them rather like wardens on duty?! How odd that it’s almost like your real life that you enjoy is when you’re off duty.

MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 21:37

I think it's normal to make sure time off is equal, but refusing to go away for a weekend because you'd have to look after your kids alone another time is a bit odd.

Well as I said upthread it depends on the kids. I’d not be able to handle mine on my own for a weekend and neither would H. But my friends all would understand because they know what they are like. If it’s just the normal day to day tiredness from a NT 4 and 2 yo who sleep okay then I can see why it’ seems a bit ott.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/04/2021 21:41

Do you enjoy your children op?

You sound very depressed but doing things you feel you need to do. It's like you are going through the motions with a regimented weekly routine of who gets to sleep in, time off, date night etc - a tick box exercise.

I think your friends reaction has brought this into focus that it's not actually working.

Does your H insist on everything being so 'fair'? Or are you following advice you've had from professionals before but taken it to the extreme?

I'm childfree by choice and if I were your friend I'd be hurt too and frankly, baffled. I've also got friends who are always oh so busy and how I couldn't begin to understand not having kids etc etc. But it sounds like there's a hell of a lot more to it than that.

MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 21:41

@PegasusReturns

If my H had a weekend away for socialising then I would also take the same. In fact that’s always been advised on MN, so I’m surprised at how many people on here say they don’t do it equally

Yes if all things were equal but in this case they’re not. The OP has a debilitating MH condition. If she had a broken leg there would be no expectation that she would do equal caring.

I don’t think being ill or working is the same as going for socialising. When either of us is ill or working it’s just all hands to the pump and get thru it. It would definitely be seen differently if it was for a jolly and I’d expect the same time in return.
Lemmeout · 11/04/2021 21:44

I can’t get past how tired you claim to be after a weekend of looking after your own children. How you manage day to day i do not know,

Dunderblue · 11/04/2021 21:47

Gosh some people on here are judgemental! Yes, young children are tiring when you're alone. People love to say they do it all the time so why can't you, because you don't want to!
I wouldn't lie to your friend as some have suggested, just carry on being honest. Friendships are not an obligation and you don't have to negotiate, you get to say no to whatever you're not comfortable with for any reason, it doesn't make you a bad friend and your friend has to deal with her own reaction.

Foobydoo · 11/04/2021 21:47

With your update you obviously have good reason to be worried at having the children alone all weekend.Flowers

Firstly do you actually want to spend a full weekend with your friend? Or is maybe this too much too at the moment and the kids are a convenient excuse? Understandable if so but perhaps confide in your friend so that she understands.

If you do want to go away think of practical solutions. Does husband really need the weekend reciprocated? Perhaps it could be banked for a few years in the future when the kids are older and you are feeling better.
Could a family member have the children for part of husbands weekend or could you and children go and stay with a friend or family member.

Would your friend come and stay at yours on your husbands weekend in return for you going away with her. You could do fun things like take the children to the zoo or seeside followed by a movie sleepover with takeaway and wine.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 21:49

Thanks Foobydoo. Those are good suggestions x

OP posts:
NichyNoo · 11/04/2021 21:52

Whilst I’m sympathetic about the MH drip feed, you manage to work full time plus have a date night every week but dealing with your own kids for a weekend is ‘debilitating’.....

thatsgotit · 11/04/2021 21:56

I presume those who are being judgemental haven't read OP's updates about her health challenges.

Either that or there's a bit of the trademark MN clueless intolerance of mental health issues going on here... perish the thought!

OP, I can sympathise as I have chronic fatigue and struggle with my mental health. I don't have kids but if I did I know a full weekend of caring for them alone would utterly wipe me out mentally and physically.

I think you might have got different responses if you'd mentioned your health issues in your first post, but it's ridiculous how some people tear others apart on this forum for 'drip feeding' just because someone doesn't happen to set out the facts in an order that they personally approve of.

MrsClatterbuck · 11/04/2021 21:57

@DustCentral

Your quid pro quo set up with your DH sounds weird. Keeping count of time off from the kids to that degree? Strange IMO.
My thoughts exactly
FedNlanders · 11/04/2021 21:58

@DustCentral

Your quid pro quo set up with your DH sounds weird. Keeping count of time off from the kids to that degree? Strange IMO.
Agree. Came to say same.
babbaloushka · 11/04/2021 22:05

Are you preempting your husband holding a grudge about this?

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