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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 11/04/2021 21:06

All sounds very odd to me. DH and I parent the kids equally. At that age neither of us got 'me time' at weekends. Perhaps the odd lie in but that's all we both work ft too and wanted to spend weekends with the children as we missed them! Even at that age.

DH worked a bit away too so I had several weekends where I had kids totally by myself all weekend after working all week. Unless kids or I were ill or not sleeping I don't remember being 'on my knees' at the end. I never did housework and by 8pm had poured a large glass of something but other than that it was ok.

vomcomvomcom · 11/04/2021 21:06

don’t forget you were a FRIEND before you were a mum!!

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 11/04/2021 21:06

Meant to say, go on the weekend away and have fun! Why does your DH need another weekend for him just cos you do?

Justwingingit2005 · 11/04/2021 21:07

I work FT and my kids are older now but what I find so sad is kids who do not see their parents all week apart from breakfast and tea/ bed, parents are too busy with housework or too tired from a working week or just see kids as a chore to interact at the weekend.

When mine were little we would have trips out or activities in mind for the weekend to make it enjoyable for everyone. If your kids are only 2 and 4, at that age we would plan a walk to feed the ducks in the morning then possible trips to the park in the afternoon then make your own pizzas for tea. Kids would be tired from two walks so often napped or had early nights. This meant we could get an early night or nap when they did. The kids loved doing all these things and spending time all together.

Please don't see kids as a chore and yes, 2 and 4 are hard ages, I had 3 under 4 so I know, just enjoy the weekends. Before you know it they will be teens who hate the thought of feeding the ducks or time with mummy Smile

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2021 21:08

I don’t think your husband is a trooper if he expects his wife with debilitating fatigue and mental health to look after his dcs alone for the weekend to pay him back for her going away with a friend.

And yes, you would have got responses like this from the beginning had you explained this.

MadgeMak · 11/04/2021 21:08

*I’m really surprised at these responses.

A full week at work and very young children - I’d be shattered and not up for a full weekend! Plus I’d want to SEE my children!*

But that's not why OP doesn't want to go for a full weekend. She doesn't want to go for a full weekend because her husband will then expect his own full weekend away and she has mental health issues that mean parenting solo for a whole weekend is difficult for her. This is a husband problem.

namechange30455 · 11/04/2021 21:09

OP - knowing how it impacts your MH having the kids on your own, surely your DH wouldn't insist on leaving them with you for another weekend out of "fairness"?

MrsMcTats · 11/04/2021 21:09

All the more reason for your DH to be stepping up and supporting you OP. A trip with your friend would do you the world of good. It's one weekend in a blue moon. Your DH should be supportive of that, not expecting you to 'pay back' the childcare. If something comes up for me or DH we want the other to go off and have a good time. Nothing would be 'owed.' People don't have many lie-ins with young children. I accept that's not the season of life I'm in. I'm no 'martyr' as a pp put it. I manage my time as I wish and have plenty of me time, whilst ensuring lots of family time while they are little and want to spend time with us!

GCSEmum2024 · 11/04/2021 21:10

How old are you OP? Separate bedrooms, needing down time from the kids etc makes me think you might be older? Is it worth seeing your GP.

We all find young children exhausting but not to the point of needing time 'off' on a scheduled basis. I don't a lot time away and neither does DH- he probably gets more weekends away than I do as some of my friends don't like to leave their children. I don't mind that- it's normal- but would find it very weird if they said they didn't want to come because they'd owe childcare time to their DP.

MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 21:11

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

Meant to say, go on the weekend away and have fun! Why does your DH need another weekend for him just cos you do?
If my H had a weekend away for socialising then I would also take the same. In fact that’s always been advised on MN, so I’m surprised at how many people on here say they don’t do it equally. When posters say their H is off on a stag do there are always lots of posts asking the op when she’s off on a weekend jolly herself, as it’s only fair.
Hastybird · 11/04/2021 21:11

It's s little restrictive that if you take more time away from kids you have to repay it exactly back - my dp and I did split lie ins etc at that age but wouldn't exactly split time. If you want to go then you could amend the schedule so your dh still gets a lie in and an afternoon ie You go Saturday lunch and return Sunday afternoon and do bedtime. Best of both? Does your DH monitor the time away ie myself and dp probably have an similar number of weekends away each, but I have no idea if it's exact, we don't count. And he wouldn't insist on a weekday away just because I'd had one. Anyway if you don't want to go that's a different matter, do whatever works for you - in 1-2 years they'll be easier and split lie ins etc less necessary, this time will come sooner than you think! They may even get their own breakfast by that point!

MrsKeats · 11/04/2021 21:12

I was a single parent for 7 years so have no idea what you are on about.

daffodilsandprimroses · 11/04/2021 21:12

Same mrskoala

1Morewineplease · 11/04/2021 21:13

Ok OP.
I'm sure that you will understand why so many posters, including me, have not been as kind as you had hoped.

The regimented family arrangements that you have do seem unusual . It's concerning that you have said that you find having your children for two days leaves you on your knees, yet you e also said that you and your husband manage a date night every week. Therefore, it sounds like you are struggling to manage with your children or you're not.

If it's just the weekends that you find hard then you and your husband need to work together to harmonise your family life; not have either one or the other on duty, as it were.

As to having mental health issues, you'll not get too much sympathy on here as plenty of parents are struggling with this. You may well have a delayed diagnosis of PND. I did, and your GP will help you with this.

As to your friend... she doesn't know what it's like to have children so I'd dismiss her sulk. I wouldn't have taken so much time out of my young family life for a boozy, girly weekend.

Maybe you could share, with us vipers, exactly what you find exhausts you. Is it the mental /emotional side of kids that tires you ( I found it really hard to be in ' who's behind the door?' mode all the time.
Or is it the physical running around, picking up and putting down side of parenting?
Maybe both?

We might be able to give you some helpful tips on how to be a splendid parent whilst reclining on a chaise longue with a glass of 'fizzy-feel-good!'

Confusedandshaken · 11/04/2021 21:14

Your attitude seems weird to me. Assuming there are no special needs I would expect most parents to be able to take care of the DC for a couple of days at a time with out being on their knees with exhaustion.

I was a mostly SAHM mum to our DC. DH was out of the house from 7am on Monday to late Friday night or early Saturday morning. If things were good we'd then have 2 family days but if money was tight I would work 8 shifts in a call centre Saturday and Sunday to help make ends meet. It was sometimes hard work but equally, they were the best days of our life.

Don't make the mistake of thinking every day of parenting has to be full on activities and educating. It's fine to declare the occasional duvet day when after toothbrushing you all settle some on the settee to watch DVDs and eat frozen pizza. Or if your D.C. are the energetic types go for a three hour route march and then bed down on the sofa. Lighten up on yourself and you will all have happy memories.

daffodilsandprimroses · 11/04/2021 21:14

@MrsKeats

I was a single parent for 7 years so have no idea what you are on about.
Do you really need it breaking down that two tiny children, a full time job and mental health problems are exhausting and draining?
Atalantea · 11/04/2021 21:17

because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

I'd be pretty pissed off as well, to me it's a bit of a shit excuse

I see you have other issues, but it'd still a bit wooly

breedershock · 11/04/2021 21:17

I'm surprised at the responses- young kids are exhausting! mine are slightly younger but I would not particularly relish the thought of having no support all weekend and then heading straight back to work. I do think that lockdown etc has affected my mentality though - once more things are open and you can visit people I think it would be easier. Having said that, if my DH wanted to go away for a weekend I would suck it up.
BUT I think your friend is being very unreasonable to be off with you for not committing to a full weekend, whatever your reason are!

MrsKeats · 11/04/2021 21:18

No I don't daffodil
That's why a weekend away with a friend would be a lovely break. Obviously kids are hard work!
All this working out of how many hours you have your own kids compared to your husband is weird.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 11/04/2021 21:19

If my H had a weekend away for socialising then I would also take the same. In fact that’s always been advised on MN, so I’m surprised at how many people on here say they don’t do it equally. When posters say their H is off on a stag do there are always lots of posts asking the op when she’s off on a weekend jolly herself, as it’s only fair

I think it's normal to make sure time off is equal, but refusing to go away for a weekend because you'd have to look after your kids alone another time is a bit odd.

kittycorner · 11/04/2021 21:19

YABU

Yes OP, small children are exhausting. I've had three, one with complex needs and I'm a single parent who works full time. But we get on with it.

daffodilsandprimroses · 11/04/2021 21:20

I personally wouldn’t see a weekend with a friend as a lovely break. Lovely yes, but not a break.

It isn’t unreasonable to want a bit of chill time at the end of a long week.

I hope you get it resolved OP.

Grapewrath · 11/04/2021 21:20

I mean it sounds bizarre that you would need to exchange time day for day with your husband and the thought of having your kids alone is enough to put you off a weekend away.
If you don’t want to go, don’t but don’t expect your friend not to find your reasoning a bit odd tbh

lioncitygirl · 11/04/2021 21:21

What?! Yabu. Sorry OP. I’m with your friend here.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2021 21:21

@Mummyoflittledragon

I don’t think your husband is a trooper if he expects his wife with debilitating fatigue and mental health to look after his dcs alone for the weekend to pay him back for her going away with a friend.

And yes, you would have got responses like this from the beginning had you explained this.

I don’t think your husband is a trooper if he expects his wife with debilitating fatigue and mental health to look after his dcs alone for the weekend to pay him back for her going away with a friend.

Exactly! It's not like he even has a weekend planned, he just wants it 'in the bank', so to speak.