Friend wants a whole weekend away

[Usernamqwerty]

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

@mswales

Waxonwaxoff0 the PP wasn't referring to people saying you can parent your own kids as martyrs - it's this whole insinuation that you should relish parenting them at all times, it's a wonderful thing, yes it can be hard work and tiring but it's never a chore, etc etc. There is so much judgement on here for people who don't want to spend all their time with their kids.

No one is saying that though. People are saying that you should be able to cope for a weekend with your own children, not that you have to love every second of it.

@Usernamqwerty

I would hide this thread and not read the responses, lots of people are on the attack and aren’t being supportive.
Maybe ask for it to be deleted as I can’t see this thread helping you.

Do you never do things as a family? Weekends are our family time. No, lays in here. We're up and out somewhere to tire out the toddler. Yes, children are exhausting - I've got a 2.5yo and a 7month old - and I've spent a good chunk of the last year on my own with 2 children, and some days I'm counting the minutes until bedtime. But, I really don't understand your dynamic. Quite frankly I'd jump at the chance of a child-free weekend with a friend and would happily have my children on my own for the weekend to do so.

OP you should speak to your GP regarding your mental health, I have chronic depression and anxiety, it’s not for everyone but if you haven’t tried it already CBT may be helpful to you, it could provide you with some coping strategies when things feel overwhelming.

@Usernamqwerty

Parenting is hard but some of us find it harder than others. I have had a family worker in the past due to how hard I have found it and nearly ended up with the perinatal mental health service.

Please be kind 🙏

If you had said that in the original post then you would have had different responses.

Think friends with no kids dont realise the juggling end. Not easy op those ages are hard

Rarely comment on the site but I wanted to here OP to say that I’m really surprised you’re getting such a strong reaction. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re counting and recording an excel spreadsheet of minutes owed but that loosely you have an arrangement that means you get rests. When I had my baby I felt really anxious and resentful about my husbands alone time and used to make an effort to balance it. Of course there are people that do it alone for years but that works for them or they don’t have an option. I think that’s different and I understand you. Just to echo that I think seeing GP for a full work up of bloods is a great idea. Months of fog and fatigue after I had my baby actually resulted in me being diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and thyroid issues which only presented after pregnancy. My medication has made a world of difference to my energy. Look up the spoons theory and I think it will sense to you. I certainly find parenting alone very tiring when my husband travels for work and it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being with my daughter and like it. But at the end of a few days yes I feel irritable and exhausted at times. And I only have one child. There are so many factors that could contribute to this in a Mom including health issues, relationship stress, poor sleep hygiene, loneliness, a difficult experience of being parented yourself, poor self esteem or emotional well-being, lack of self care. If you’re on Instagram I find Anna Marthur a kind and reassuring voice. I wouldn’t judge you the way some commenters here have, I think what you’re describing is more common that appears to be experienced here.

@mswales DH and I split lie ins at the weekend. Today, I took my 3 to the park by myself. I didn’t get any time to myself but, you know what, I will at another point.

We completely and utterly give each other down time and lie ins and time to do our own stuff. But we don’t count it minute by minute and neither of us would turn down a weekend away for the sole logistical reason that the other parent couldn't parent for 48 hours...

I mentioned it in my first post.

Am currently under the IAPT service and on meds.

Sorry, third post

If your MH problems are that severe your DH should do extra to give you extra time off.

Tell your GP you can't cope with the DC's for 48 hours and see what they say.

It sounds like you may still have PND from your youngest.

Given your mental health status I’m appalled that your DH would require you to pick up a whole weekend of childcare on your own in some sort of weird quid pro quo.

Thank you Princess Sparkle!

@MrsJBaptiste

No *@mswales* that isn't what people are saying.

They're saying it might be the norm to split lie-ins and childcare at the weekends but it isn't normal to ignore invitations out or away for the weekend due to worrying about looking after YOUR OWN children if your partner does the same.

Yes but why is everyone judging the OP so harshly for admitting she finds it really hard to look after her two young kids on her own for a whole weekend? Lots of people find this tough and would rather avoid it if they could. The OP clearly finds it very tough and would rather avoid it if at all possible. So what if it's not "the norm?" Why are we judging her for that? It's really not nice and shows a complete lack of empathy for differing types of mental state/differing parenting aptitudes. Feels like people are saying she is a bad mother just because she finds things really hard. Really wish people would be more supportive and less judgemental.

Your DH should be stepping up if you're having mental health issues, not taking a tit for tat weekend away.

I try to go out walking when I can, really helps me mentally. I do a long one on Saturday afternoons

if you both work full time you really should be able to afford a babysitter from time to time.
What a strange assumption that doesn’t take into account specific circumstances such as childcare costs, mortgages, debt, and income to outgoings ratio.

Anyway, I don’t think YABU to not want to go, OP, if the thought knackers you, nor do I think your friend is unreasonable to be a bit annoyed. It’s not really a huge issue though, is it? Unless the friendship is going to end over this weekend, why tie yourself in knots about it? You’ve made your choice, she’s made hers, let it go.

I do think the strict payback of time off/alone is strange, as most of the thread agrees. And I actually think it’s less tiring to parent together than insist on the alone time – much easier for one parent to sort out lunch while the other plays with the DC than try to make lunch while a 2-year-old “helps”. Some weekends I get more time off than DP and vice versa. Some weekends neither because we prioritise a family activity, or we have to skip lies-in because one of us is ill or has an appointment or whatever. We don’t really keep track; I’m assuming it’ll all balance out when DC are teenagers and hate us for a bit and we’ll have alone time coming out of our ears.

OP, YANBU considering the set up that you have, which works for your family; your friend is NBU to feel as she does, as we can't always understand from the outside looking in.
My situation is totally different, in that I have significant MH and solo parent twins, but I do understand what it is to do whatever routine/structure works best for my family and me, meaning I have zero social life!

I don't think you're that unusual OP. I find the thought of a full empty weekend daunting. I don't know what to do withyself when DD plays alone for a bit, I find myself just sitting on my phone and feel guilty. I too have anxiety and had bad PND. Now lockdown is over I can't wait to fill the weekend with plans. It's nothing to do with no wanting to spend time with the children and everything to do with what goes on in your head.

@Usernamqwerty if you had put in your op that you struggle terribly and are under those assessments etc, and that if you go out at all your husband expects the same amount of time knowing you cannot cope, you'd have had very, very different repossess. Probably equally as unhelpful as most would have said your dh is shit.

@Usernamqwerty

Parenting is hard but some of us find it harder than others. I have had a family worker in the past due to how hard I have found it and nearly ended up with the perinatal mental health service.

Please be kind 🙏

But that makes it even worse than your DH would expect you to do a whole weekend in return for you spending a weekend with a friend. Actual time away, which will probably do you the world of good in honesty.

That just sounds plain weird to me, I was a single mum and had mine every single weekend and went back to work full time when DS was 6 weeks old. I didn't see childcare as a chore.
A whole weekend off sounds wonderful.

OP would your DH demand that he have his weekend away or would you feel like he has to have it to keep things even?
Given your difficulties he should really be quite happy to let you have a weekend off and not expect to trot off the next weekend leaving you alone with them.

This thread has been my final MN straw

Goodbye MN you’ve turned into a vile place

I’m really surprised at these responses.

A full week at work and very young children - I’d be shattered and not up for a full weekend! Plus I’d want to SEE my children!