Page 11 | Friend wants a whole weekend away

Looneytune253 · 11/04/2021 20:49

Wow it's not strange to not want to do a weekend because you have the children and you'll miss them or whatever but it is very odd to not do the weekend because you would then have to have your own children on your own a different weekend!! Such an odd way to live. Wouldn't you just save that weekend childcare pact fora weekend when your dh goes away with his friend etc

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2021 20:49

@poppycat10

Just because the martyrs on here can cope with two tiny kids for 48 hours on their own doesn't mean the OP wants to. I wouldn't have wanted to either, which is one of the reasons I stuck to one child. Also the OP isn't a single parent and her husband doesn't work away so coping on her own isn't something she has to do.

I don't think you are being strange OP. But I think you should go Sunday morning while your friend is in bed and then come back early on Monday (when presumably she is still in bed, or can she manage to get out of bed for work - in which case she's being a little unreasonable too). You can take a half day off work.

Parenting your own kids isn't being a "martyr". What a silly comment.

Terrylovesyogurt · 11/04/2021 20:49

@SubCoral

That’s really odd that you do EOW childcare with your DH. How do you think SAHP manage looking after their DC 24/7.

DH and I both work full time, then look after our 2 DC (similar ages) between us at the weekend. I’d be fine doing it myself though.

This. As a SAHP I am constantly reading posts on here about how much harder it is for working parents. I HE my DCs too. Yes it's tiring, but who didn't realise this before having kids?

I find your whole family set up quite sad tbh, that you rarely spend time as a family and you and DH seem to want every minute 'back' that you spend looking after your own children

mswales · 11/04/2021 20:50

Just dropping in as you are getting a hard time on here OP and I want to reassure you that it really is completely normal to split childcare and free time over the weekends with a partner that you are still very much happily with, I know loads of couples that do this as well as fitting in family time, despite it apparently not being the case among posters on this thread. Seeing stints spent alone with your own young DC as a something of a chore doesn't make you a bad parent or mean you don't love them! People on here seem to assume that all parents want to spend as much of their time with their kids as they possibly can and if they don't then the poor kids are unloved - it's just not true. I love my 3 year old son fiercely but i most certainly need regular time off - if I didn't have that then I would enjoy my time with him far less. And it would be a total farce to claim it doesn't regularly feel like a chore - it feels less and less of a chore as he gets older, and more and more fun to hang out with him, but it still does feel often like a chore. I can't believe other parents of young kids don't feel like that! I'd say parenting young kids is 25% fun (playing, cuddles, activities, bathtime, conversations), 75% hard work/chore (logistics, tantrums, tidying up, cooking, laundry, stopping fights, getting them dressed, mealtimes, being climbed on, getting them to bed etc etc etc the list goes on and on and on).

Vooga · 11/04/2021 20:50

Blossomplease6

It's really not I'm with her Thursday & Friday and we do lots of things, especially pre lockdown. I find weekends a bit of a drag because soft play, play parks, attractions etc are busier and full of older kids throwing their weight around and I hate being stuck in the house. Then there's lockdown and the bad weather. Being stuck in for a whole weekend with just a 2 year old for company is lonely and if you disagree then your either supermum or just a liar.

It's not like dp goes away often or there are many opportunities for weekends away at the moment. But if there are then it works for us to do it in the week.

She is a happy bright loved child, but I'm an adult and playing puzzles and colouring all weekend isn't my first choice thanks.

ddl1 · 11/04/2021 20:51

OTOH, most people don't have quite such strict 'tit for tat' childcare arrangements with their partners, especially beyond the baby stage, so I can see that many people would find that somewhat hard to understand. It might have been better to say just that your children might find it hard to cope at this stage with Mum being away for two full days, rather than getting involved in long explanations about the exact nature of your arrangements with your partner.

OTOH, people should not really be demanding that their friends meet them socially on exactly their terms, and especially not get huffy if someone can't or won't. It would make me wonder what else they might get huffy about. These meetings should be relaxing occasions, not sources of stress and opportunities for taking offence.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 20:51

Gosh, how many kids do you have then and how old are they?

Your way of living is quite unusual, but I’m thinking maybe you have several and that’s the reason? How many have you got?

yankeedoodlecandy · 11/04/2021 20:51

I agree with your friend, regardless if she has children or not, she knows that a parent should be able to look after 2 children for the weekend so it is fairly obvious that you must be using this as an excuse.
Can you really not look after your own children for a weekend by yourself op?

3Britnee · 11/04/2021 20:51

@Usernamqwerty

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

Maybe you shouldn't be so tit for tat with your DH.

Original poster

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 20:51

Thank you MsWales!

OP posts:

Kitkat151 · 11/04/2021 20:51

@poppycat10

Just because the martyrs on here can cope with two tiny kids for 48 hours on their own doesn't mean the OP wants to. I wouldn't have wanted to either, which is one of the reasons I stuck to one child. Also the OP isn't a single parent and her husband doesn't work away so coping on her own isn't something she has to do.

I don't think you are being strange OP. But I think you should go Sunday morning while your friend is in bed and then come back early on Monday (when presumably she is still in bed, or can she manage to get out of bed for work - in which case she's being a little unreasonable too). You can take a half day off work.

Since when was parenting your own children being a martyr?🙄 Very odd comment

dotdashdashdash · 11/04/2021 20:52

DH and give each other time off over the weekend, but we don't keep track of who has what and we don't repay the other if they have the kids more that the other or if one of us gives up "me time" to do a family thing etc.

Your arrangement seems very strange.

Original poster

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 20:52

2 kids, ages 2 and 4

OP posts:

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 11/04/2021 20:52

Honestly ?!, my husband goes away with at least 4 times a year , I don't count the hours he's been away.
I don't understand why you would be so regimented about it all, my children are nearly 2, 6 and 8 , I work and sort out the house it's tiring but I'm a parent that's what I do, my friend is. Single parent as her husband died her children are 5 and 9 now she never gets a break ever , you need to get it together and sort it out x

MrsJBaptiste · 11/04/2021 20:52

No @mswales that isn't what people are saying.

They're saying it might be the norm to split lie-ins and childcare at the weekends but it isn't normal to ignore invitations out or away for the weekend due to worrying about looking after YOUR OWN children if your partner does the same.

Thefaceofboe · 11/04/2021 20:53

Are you and your dh together? If so I’m confused why you can’t go and he has the children!? You don’t ‘owe’ him time off his children just to make things even... parenting doesn’t work like that.

DelBocaVista · 11/04/2021 20:54

@mswales

Just dropping in as you are getting a hard time on here OP and I want to reassure you that it really is completely normal to split childcare and free time over the weekends with a partner that you are still very much happily with, I know loads of couples that do this as well as fitting in family time, despite it apparently not being the case among posters on this thread. Seeing stints spent alone with your own young DC as a something of a chore doesn't make you a bad parent or mean you don't love them! People on here seem to assume that all parents want to spend as much of their time with their kids as they possibly can and if they don't then the poor kids are unloved - it's just not true. I love my 3 year old son fiercely but i most certainly need regular time off - if I didn't have that then I would enjoy my time with him far less. And it would be a total farce to claim it doesn't regularly feel like a chore - it feels less and less of a chore as he gets older, and more and more fun to hang out with him, but it still does feel often like a chore. I can't believe other parents of young kids don't feel like that! I'd say parenting young kids is 25% fun (playing, cuddles, activities, bathtime, conversations), 75% hard work/chore (logistics, tantrums, tidying up, cooking, laundry, stopping fights, getting them dressed, mealtimes, being climbed on, getting them to bed etc etc etc the list goes on and on and on).

I think you've misunderstood what people are saying. It's the regimented nature of the childcare that people are picking up on, it does seem rather restrictive.

AliceMcK · 11/04/2021 20:54

I don’t think your being unreasonable, it’s hard with a 2 & 4 year old, even the most easiest of kids especially when you dont have support which a lot of people just take for granted. I can see how you and DH trade off on free time, DH and I are similar but don’t actually keep track to your extent it’s more of as natural flow with us. Also I’ve said no to many things because I do want to save my child free time to do what I want to do, I wouldn’t want to be wasting it waiting round for someone else to wake up so we could do thing.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/04/2021 20:55

I'd say parenting young kids is 25% fun (playing, cuddles, activities, bathtime, conversations), 75% hard work/chore (logistics, tantrums, tidying up, cooking, laundry, stopping fights, getting them dressed, mealtimes, being climbed on, getting them to bed etc etc etc the list goes on and on and on). I'm not sure if I'd exactly agree with the % but the general sentiment, yes

But I still would not agree with it being anyway normal to describe yourself as on your knees with exhaustion after a weekend of it.

ElleDubloo · 11/04/2021 20:55

There have been times when I’ve contemplated divorce just so the kids would be away EOW.

Not anymore, thankfully, they’re really cute and funny now.

But just saying... I get it, OP.

NichyNoo · 11/04/2021 20:55

That sounds really weird! Pre covid both DH and I had weekends (I.e two nights away) with friends and we don’t count the hours that the other parent ‘owes’. One year I’ll have more weekends away, another year DH will have more. The parent at home just gets on with the usual weekend activities.

Original poster

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 20:55

Parenting is hard but some of us find it harder than others. I have had a family worker in the past due to how hard I have found it and nearly ended up with the perinatal mental health service.

Please be kind 🙏

OP posts:

mswales · 11/04/2021 20:56

Waxonwaxoff0 the PP wasn't referring to people saying you can parent your own kids as martyrs - it's this whole insinuation that you should relish parenting them at all times, it's a wonderful thing, yes it can be hard work and tiring but it's never a chore, etc etc. There is so much judgement on here for people who don't want to spend all their time with their kids.

OverTheRainbow88 · 11/04/2021 20:56

@MrsJBaptiste

due to worrying about looking after YOUR OWN children if your partner does the same.

OP has mentioned she’s very stressed, exhausted all the time and triggers. So I would assume a year into a pandemic maybe her MH isn’t at its best.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/04/2021 20:56

@Usernamqwerty

Parenting is hard but some of us find it harder than others. I have had a family worker in the past due to how hard I have found it and nearly ended up with the perinatal mental health service.

Please be kind 🙏

FFS.

Maybe lead with this instead of a massive drip feed 200+ posts in.

That obviously changes things.