Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

She sounds horrible.

You need to rearrange same date and time, apologize for the confusion and explain the situation to everyone. Let them make their own minds up. They might already think she's a bitch and you might confirm it for them.

I don't see why you cancelled- that was entirely your choice to not host. What was/ is going on afterwards is none of your concern. She's being ignorant, you've now sulk cancelled. Ultimately that doesn't affect her and her plans at all.

She sounds mean OP, but like many others on this thread I find your reaction OTT. Why on earth would you cancel your lunch? You say you don’t want to have rival events or engage in games, but you wouldn’t be doing either of these things by having your lunch.
YABU to cancel your lunch.

Yeah I don’t get the whole rival tit for tat thing.

You should uncancel your lunch.

@Phrenologist

It sounds to me like an awful lot of strangely indirect assumptions are being made, and there are some strange things going on.

For one thing, I would have no compunction at all about accepting lunch and dinner invitations for the same day, because a lunch wouldn’t normally clash with a dinner — it’s only a ‘pick me’ issue if you’ve set it up that way. For another, I think it’s incredibly poor form to cancel a lunch because of some teenage rivalry drama — it signals to the other guests that you see their presence as less important than being seen to be ‘dignified’ in your dynamic with A.

Absolutely, she has behaved with breathtaking rudeness, but she appears to be allowed to do so by you acting like a doormat. Anyone would say ‘Let me be sure I’m getting this right. You’re cancelling on me because you’ve suddenly decided that only one night in 2021 is possible for a dinner party?’ That’s not confrontation, a ‘pick me’ dance, or a pitched battle, that’s being an adult and communicating. But you’re hoping your mutual friends will communicate what you seem unable to, which is pretty juvenile.

Cancelling your lunch isn’t ‘dignified’, it’s the equivalent of a teenage flounce while imagining how sad everyone will be at your funeral.

But the real issue here is that you don’t actually seem to like the majority of the people involved at all!

You’ve spectacularly missed the point —or not rtft, or even just the op’s updates— The lunch goes on into the evening, so it IS a clash and a challenge by Friend A.

@provencegal I think you’ve handled this perfectly, I am in awe.
And - joyfully - free and available for whenever you reschedule....

(I will bring wine!)

You’ve spectacularly missed the point —or not rtft, or even just the op’s updates—The lunch goes on into the evening, so it IS a clash and a challenge by Friend A.

But the OP can still have the friends (that she likes more) at the lunch because they're NOT invited to the dinner.

So I don't understand why she's cancelled

I dont think it was weak to cancell.
It would be far worse to force yourself to go ahead to make a point to her, whilst having entirely lost all enthusiasm for the event.
Especially when you will be rescheduling and talking to the others to re invite them at a time that isn't tainted by this whole debacle.

I do wonder sometimes how women like Friend A see these encounters.
Is she getting a little kick of triumph over trumping someone elses plans?
or
is she so blinkered that she isn't really thinking about it at all and only sees the end goal and stomping on someone else's plans doesn't even affect her so she is just marching on past to her end goal. ie she's just thinking I want this, so that has to happen.

Phrenologist I think you have missed the point, it is not 'just' a lunch. We start in the afternoon and it always runs through the evening, so they do definitely clash. Due to the distance, and the timings of each, the other friends invited are going to find it very difficult to come to both. One has already said she was just about to cancel my lunch, and the second I am sure would have to do the same.

Yes of course I could continue on with the lunch regardless, with just a handful of friends that are left, but that would be awkward as we always get together for lunches like this as a whole group, not just a few.
We have always organised it this way, all of us together.
It would seem very odd to organise a lunch with over half unable to make it, bearing in mind we go to great lengths usually to ensure everyone can make it. Individually we might meet for a coffee or a walk, but for lunches we always, always meet as a whole group.

I was totally blindsided by the phone call, and wasn't expecting it at all, so no I didn't call her out directly because I was really quite shocked, but I did say it was really tricky and I was surprised she would choose that date.
I don't need to have it out with her, there is very little point, I don't think the friendship can be salvaged. It is pretty obvious to anyone that she has been highly highly rude and disrespectful, I am not adding fuel to the drama by arguing about it. Maybe if I intended to stay friends, it would be worth it, but I am not.

You’ve spectacularly missed the point —or not rtft, or even just the op’s updates—The lunch goes on into the evening, so it IS a clash and a challenge by Friend A.@provencegal I think you’ve handled this perfectly, I am in awe.And - joyfully - free and available for whenever you reschedule....(I will bring wine!)

Exactly this ^
Are you one of my friends by any chance rogue?

God this sounds exactly like a group I’ve just walked away from... head held high! It feels shit at times when they’ve all just gone away on a weekend without me but I’m 41 and too old for all this shit! I can empathise with you OP. I’ve tried to explain to my children why I’ve stepped back for my own sanity but it won’t make it any easier to explain why we didn’t go away with his class mates this weekend.

I am sorry pie it is much harder when dc are involved. Better to pull out quietly now though, than a risk a falling out that would be damaging to dc and their school life.

Can you organise some playdates for dc as a distraction? with some other school or home friends? A weekend away as a family?

In my experience, once the rots sets in there is not much you can do. Fading out is a relief!

I wouldn't mention you are pulling out of the friendship group to dc pie, as they might worry and it may cause tension for them at school.

Just become very busy suddenly with other things, and quietly do it. Otherwise they may feel they have split loyalties, and it could make school life hard for them.
If you are keeping one or two friends from the group (and you may not, due to poor form) arrange things individually?

Thanks @provencegal.... they’ve asked why we see a bit less of them and I’ve just said that I still like them but I’m choosing to spend a little less time with some of them... I’ve explained that all friends have deliverances in opinion at times and that my opinions are just very different at the moment (friends fell down the anti vaccine/Qanon rabbit hole) but that ultimately friends are supposed to make us feel good and it’s supposed to be enjoyable to be around them and that friends who make you stressed or anxious or frightened to give an opinion are not friends at all. It’s been pretty toxic for a while if I’m honest, one flaky ringleader who the all girls follow like a sheep even when they’ve been treated poorly by her themselves... but I’m most disappointed that it’s meant one of my closest friends had also drifted. Fingers crossed they’ll see/feel what I see at some point!

I can actually pin it all down to one moment where I realised how unhealthy it was being a part of the group and that was when I walked away first last year but through the children ended up being roped back in! I won’t make that mistake again tho. I’m sorry you’ve been treated badly too... rubbish isn’t it!

Quietly fading from view is definitely the best policy.

Astonishing behaviour from this 'friend' and the friend who said she would cancel her attendance to your lunch to go to this dinner party.

So now you're free. Just be polite but distant to those who have shown such blatant rudeness.

I'm not sure I would even bother to explain it to the other better friends because it could get back to the shonky 'friends' and cause drama. Which is partly what is wanted.

Initially I was dismayed you cancelled but it’s clear you’ve sussed out everyone and the situation, so bravo to you OP.

Sorry is Friend A the one having dinner party?

You have handled that brilliantly pie and a lesson to dc about values and expectations of friendships too. So at least it gave you that opportunity.
Can you keep the door ajar for the very close friend? Sometimes we get pulled in different directions, she may well understand in time. We all make mistakes.

'm not sure I would even bother to explain it to the other better friends because it could get back to the shonky 'friends' and cause drama. Which is partly what is wanted

Yes definitely, agree kin I am not going to mention it, and I am sure they will soon work it out themselves soon enough. I don't need to say anything about it.

Yes so Friend A is having a dinner party, with dhs invited too, and arranged it a few days ago.
I had already organised a girls late lunch (running into the evening as is normal for us) four weeks ago as a group. We only ever do whole group lunches, so it is standard for us to choose a day everyone can make.
Friend A has effectively pinched the date, and only invited half the group!

@provencegal

Do NOT fade out. That entire group invited accepted your invite. They like you and they are your friends. Reschedule with them without her

Yes some of the others and I are good friends. I thought I would organise seeing them in a very low key way. Very much want to avoid any drama. A lunch here, walk there and fade friend A out altogether. I don't intend to meet as a group again.

This did feel very pointed and very unkind.

For those asking the conversation was up there with the best when it comes to brass neck.
Friend A: 'Really sorry I can't come to your lunch provence, but I had to cancel my dinner in the lockdown and it needs to be rescheduled now as everyone is going away overseas as soon as possible. So it has to be that date'

Me: 'Okay well maybe you can come to the next lunch, no worries these things happen'

Friend ' Yes lets organise lunch another time. Obviously I would have loved to have invited everyone, but the limit is 12 and so only friend B and C are coming'

ME: 'Oh so you invited some of our group, that are coming to my lunch on that day?'

Friend: 'Yes, it was all arranged months ago'

Me: 'Okay well thats quite tricky on the same say Friend A given the distances and times, not sure that is going to work, and what about friend D and E?

Friend A: ' No they are not coming. I am glad I called to explain, you have been so good about this. As I said it really can't be on another day as everyone is so busy [chuckles]

Me: ' I have to go Amazon at the door (thankfully delivery from Amazon arriving and buzzing relentlessly by this stage) Talk soon'

So she arranged her dinner months ago? That puts a different slant on it

She was entitled to invite whoever she wanted, and not obliged to include you, if it's a loose group of friends

It's unfortunate coincidence that you then invited some of the same guests for lunch on the same day

I feel sorry for people who weren't invited for dinner. You have now cancelled their lunch date unnecessarily

You've handled it beautifully. Nothing to be gained by making it into a big drama. Just be friendly but busy when she texts/calls and don't bitch about her to the others - just the facts is enough. Most of us have been here - only afterwards do we see we had ignored the signs for a while.

So she arranged her dinner months ago? That puts a different slant on it

No, she arranged it a few days ago. RTWT.
She accepted my invite to lunch and evening here four weeks ago!

If you are sure she only invited the others a few days ago, that is rude

red Thank you for your post, I am doing my best to ease out of the situation without any fuss whatseover.

I am now thinking about what I have missed in terms of signs. The only one I can think are the odd snippy comments on whatsapp group, she embarrassed me by saying the area we have just moved to is a little down market for her tastes (it really really isn't!) but it was quite a spiteful thing to say, and totally out of the blue. Apart from that, nothing I have noticed.