Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

Do not book it.

Keep all of the texts/emails to prove he's unfit to have unsupervised contact eith the children.

He's harming them with the things he says to them & they'll be better off with as little contact as possible.

Do not enable him to harm them - which any 'helping him' would do.

Just say 'No - i am not your PA, sort it out yourself'

He says it is 'about the children'. But it's really not is it - or he would have pulled his finger out to sort it long before now. He has left it thinking I will cave at the last minute because I know the children will be disappointed.

No it's really not about the children. It's about being a massive wanker and using the children to manipulate and control you. Don't cave in!

And if the tosser tells the children it's your fault, tell them it really isn't. To paraphrase PP above, tell them you are responsible for arranging things when they are with you. He is responsible for arranging things when they are with him.

How old are the children anyway? How many more years are you likely to have to put up with this shit?

Pass him more salt.

Seems like a candidate for a register of men who any woman seeking a relationship should be warned about.

As MN has taught me, No can be a complete sentence.

When I split up with my ex a single parent friend gave me an excellent piece of advice which has really stuck with me.

Remember there will come a time when they’re secondary age when your children start facilitating their own contract with their dad. Anything you do now to prop up his parenting will disappear at that point.

So you can choose to have them upset now, or you can choose to have them upset at 11 and feeling like it’s their fault. You can’t choose to not have them upset at all - that is only within their dads control.

Worth thinking about in this situation perhaps ?

YANBU. It will always be all your fault, no matter how much/little you do.

ExH lives 200 miles away from the DC. Apparently because it was too stressful to live near me (5 miles away). Now he moans that I won't drive 150 miles of the journey EoW and 'make' him do all the driving. It is also my fault that he is unreliable with child maintenance, because apparently I stress him out so much that he can't concentrate at work (he's self employed). Somehow though, he's the one with a non-molestation order against him to stop him harassing me. I wonder why that could be?

Ffs my 8 year old has severe cardiac issues and can work a laptop 🤔

Jeez, emotional blackmail or what?

You can still physically go to a leisure centre and book in person. They are open till 9pm or later in the week if he works during the day.

Oh god, I feel for you, OP. Is it worth the hassle of him having them? He's clearly not bothered, do DC get anything out of seeing him? Is it your only respite? If not, I’d risk him dropping the contact time as clearly he can’t manage by himself.

I would just tell him not to worry about it, i'll take them swimming instead

OP don't waste your money sending this to your solicitors.

If he takes it back to Court and is stupid enough to say that you refuse to book things for him to do with the children I his contact time to the judge, they won't be impressed.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Oh god, I feel for you, OP. Is it worth the hassle of him having them? He's clearly not bothered, do DC get anything out of seeing him? Is it your only respite? If not, I’d risk him dropping the contact time as clearly he can’t manage by himself.

She has to make the DC available for contact because it is court ordered. If she didn't, she would be in contempt of court.

@AlternativePerspective

@ Lassy1945 actually the best thing a woman could do for her children when the father is so violent he is only allowed to see the children in a contact centre (as per PP) would be to keep them as far away from him as possible. But since the courts have their own way of doing things, sometimes this isn’t possible. But no-one is unreasonable for not wanting to facilitate a violent abuser in any way shape or form.

I am pmsl at stress and heartbreak related heart conditions though.

I have a serious heart condition and every time I’ve been in hospital there have been numerous patients who have come in where the cardiologists talk to them about smoking, and “how you intend to give up.” Not advising them to, telling them in no uncertain terms that it needs to happen if they don’t want to make their condition worse.

Tell him to give up smoking and that will help his heartbreak, after all, the cigarettes are contributing to his heart literally being broken.

My dad had quadruple bypass surgery. When the consultant told him he needed to quit smoking, my dad quit on the spot and has never had another cigarette.

@ Lassy1945 the best thing I ever did for my DC was to leave their father, taking them with me. He was abusive, and to the DC as well as to me. Just because someone was a sperm donor, it doesn't mean that the resulting DC should have a relationship. DC were more than old enough to choose, and they chose no contact.

Becoming a parent (as this applies equally to women as well as men) doesn't magically turn someone from a prick into a loving parent. Sometimes, facilitating contact can do more harm than good.

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

I don't know - he says he's taking statins?

Statins are prescribed for heart problems, but I think this is widely known, so he may have heard it from someone, or got the info off the internet.

He might have a heart problem, he might not. Either way, it's HIS problem, not yours.

@Thelikelylass

Pass him more salt.

Never mind better luck next month, luckily you have 28 days before then with nothing to do but concentrate on your health. The kids will be looking forward to swimming.

He says it is 'about the children'

Response: "I'm sure they will be happy to see you regardless of what younarrange for your time with them"

Has he any idea how utterly ridiculous he sounds. I can only imagine what an idiot he'd make of himself if he tried to do this via a solicitor or judge.

Just ignore him op.

ignore him and just keep the emails for when youre back in court

the mans a waste of space

my sisters ex does things like this oh can you bring him to me im always picking him up-yeah because its up to you you lazy bastard you drive and live half an hour away

Tell him to jog on. What a loser!

Alternatively, tell him you will book but he has to transfer not only the cost of the booking in advance but also pay you admin assistants' rates (so £10-12 per hour, minimum one hour, depending on your area). Your time has a value and, if he wants to use it, he should pay you for it.

OP he is totally taking the piss. My DH does have a very serious heart problem and I can attest that it does not and never has prevented him from planning or booking activities for the children.

He is playing you for a mug - this is about getting you to pay to make his time with kids easier for him to manage. Please don't, I guarantee the next thing he will say is that you asking to be paid back is stressing him out and making him ill.

Sounds like you are well shot of him!

@MrsMcGarry

A phrase I often used was “I am responsible for parenting our children and my relationship with them. I stopped being responsible for facilitating your relationship with them when we split up. That is now your responsibility”

This is excellent!

This sounds like it's just him trying to retain some control over you.

If you facilitate this, you will just give him an opening to escalate the control and his abuse of you and his DCs.

Don't facilitate anything beyond what you are required to by the family court. The sooner he gets bored and drops out of your lives, the better.

The children have to realise what a vile man he is one day. You won't help them by putting that day off.

I would just ignore these communications and only respond to any that are reasonable and will contribute to the well-being of your DCs.

Oh Jesus.

Just say no, and agreed with the PP who said, just tell him you will forward his email to the person in charge of supervising the visit.

He's admitted to being useless at basic tasks as a manipulation tactic, but it will backfire if you don't engage and instead forward it on.

Ex was exactly like this. Everything was 'for the children' - but only if it meant putting me out in some way - ie. 'I can't pay for the thing I promised, so you'll have to pay - think of the children.'

They get away with what they can but it's funny how embarrassed they are when news gets out to people other than you/their typically enabling parents. Total bullshit.