Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

Apparently it is also my fault that he smokes, because he can't give up due to the stress I am causing by following cafcass advice...

I can see why he is an ex.

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious if he has an amazing relationship with his kids, then facilitate by suggesting you book a couple of sessions but he sends money first.

Ex is similar - smokes weed, drinks, unemployed, brain aneuryism under 50 as a result of selfish lifestyle choices! Expects pity, has never paid maintenance, has unsuccessfully dated Brazilian and Egyptian women on Tinder (until they woke up). He was fully engaged and attentive with DD14 when she was small because I was at work (!) - now she thinks he’s a waster and won’t visit him so I cook a meal and accommodate (through gritted teeth) once a week so they have contact - he has just bought her a (fucking) Xbox and asked me for money towards it.

I reiterate what @GladysTheGroovyMule says ‘I really do marvel at the cheek of these piss takers’.

I never tell DD14 what I really think.

Don’t work any harder than you already do for this prick!

I don't know - he says he's taking statins?

you are no longer his wife (& even than!) or his p/a
Therefore, you have no responsibility for organising his life - even in his dad role
& as for heart conditions - the advice even post op is for gentle exercise & as for it being stressful for booking on line! how does he manage for the rest of his life? he is = as you have just stated - manipulative
Tough - make sure you have copies of all his communications & make sure your answers
I repeat - not your responsibility -tough
make sure you keep copies of all his daft comments &make sure your answers are sweetly reasonable (but still say no!) Place tongue firmly in cheek when answering & consider how much this will help your case for showing his as being unreasonable!

I'd ignore any further messages about this. It must be like having an extra child to manage. Stop responding to his manipulative emails. The only contact you need is what time his contact starts and ends. What he does during that contact time is up to him to organise. If he tells the kids it's your fault, then you tell them he got that wrong and that it is his responsibility to organise any activities he wishes to do with them. That's not badmouthing him, simply stating fact. He sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Just in case your resolve is weakening, remember, when you were with him you were not responsible for his addiction. No one is ever responsible for someone else's addiction. Now he's an ex, that goes double!

I wouldn't even get into a conversation about it. 'No, I'm not doing it, don't ask me again' then ignore. How pathetic

Statins are for reducing cholesterol levels in the blood. He could do that by giving up smoking and eating a healthier diet too. If his heart condition is so terrible that he can’t book anything online, he shouldn’t be doing anything as stressful as supervising children in a swimming pool. You need to advise him that your purpose is not to serve him. He can hire a PA to book things for him or he can organize it himself. If the kids are unhappy, let them know that Daddy had plenty of time to book it, but didn’t get around to it, so you will take them swimming yourself. They will work it out themselves. You also need to diarise all the manipulative shit that he is telling the kids, and let Cafcass know. It’s highly abusive.

Op everybody takes statins! they are just for cholesterol as a preventer & its probably because he is over weight & has a bad diet - if he had a real heart problem he would probably be on a whole load of other medication (although there are some conditions where you don't take them) but they are not evidence of what he has said

So he basically doesn’t want to stay up until after midnight to book but expects you to?
What a twat.
I remember my ex saying he needed to reduce (the very little) contact because he couldn’t afford to take my dd to the cinema every time he saw her.
He didn’t get that he could actually find free activities in the area himself or god forbid just spend time with her at his house/in the park/going for a walk.
Needless to say she figured out who he really was and decided to cut contact in her own time.

Interesting - I didn't know that about statins...

Wow, what a wanker!

YADNBU.

I hate the local leisure centre booking as much as the next person, even in non-Covid times the swimming lessons carry on drove me to distraction but he’s hardly a special case because he smokes and feels a bit stressy about it. Tough times adulting, eh?

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

Just had another email - saying he can't call them for help because they won't be open at 1 minute past midnight when the bookings open. But he has been trying to get me to do this booking for weeks, and each time I have replied that he should call them to sort it. He should have got the issues with the website sorted long before this evening when he says they will open bookings. I have said no again.

He says it is 'about the children'. But it's really not is it - or he would have pulled his finger out to sort it long before now. He has left it thinking I will cave at the last minute because I know the children will be disappointed.

It's not about the children at all. It's about him making you do what he wants ants you to ! It's about him being a lazy bugger. Honestly everything he sends just reply no. It's not your job to do this, it's his.

@FreyaFolkvangr

I swear I can feel my vagina clamping shut when I read about men like him.

I think I love you !

Statins are usually taken to reduce cholesterol in the bloodstream and prevent deposits building up and blocking the vessels. Even on a high dose Drs would still recommend exercise like walking, swimming, dancing. He needs to raise his heart rate so that he is a bit out of breath. I suspect he has ignored all the advice about diet and smoking. I think he is a ticking time bomb for a heart attack.

However, he cannot smoke while in the water at the pool.....

I think he’s very manipulative and agree that if he can’t make an online booking for the swimming pool he could phone.He certainly needs to pay for it himself.

Gosh OP, I'm glad to hear he's your ex.

What an entitled, lazy so and so.

A phrase I often used was
“I am responsible for parenting our children and my relationship with them. I stopped being responsible for facilitating your relationship with them when we split up. That is now your responsibility”

No no no. Even if he pays up front, nope. WTF? He thinks it's too difficult to do, so you should do it even though he doesn't work and doesn't live with his kids? He is a lazy fucker and I would continue to ignore.

What a piece of work he is!

Please say No.
And keeping saying No, or if that's not possible, just ignore.

"Don't be ridiculous" would be an appropriate reply.

I am responsible for parenting our children and my relationship with them. I stopped being responsible for facilitating your relationship with them when we split up. That is now your responsibility

that is really good. Will borrow for use with my ex!

He’s being a lazy twat. Ignore him.

This ⬆️

Ignore his request, your job isn’t to supervise a capable adult.

I think that you have been under his thumb for too long and haven't yet had the time to recalibrate, if even a small part of you thinks that you should engage in this! I can't believe he is actually putting these stupid requests/comments down in writing, for the judge and cafcass to see how incompetent he is.

In my experience these kind of people rely on an enabler, if that enabler stops helping them, all those reasons they can’t function suddenly disappear and they are able to do most things.

It is not your responsibility to book his swimming session and I fail to see why this health issue would prevent him from booking a session but allow him to partake in the session.

He needs to start taking responsibility for himself. The fact he doesn’t work is completely predictable, any issue that arises in his life, is someone else’s problem... no employer is willing to take on this kind of person.