Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

Hes a CF for sure! What a idiotic suggestion .Tell him his time his responsiblity .Will he have no time with them ?

What a load of twoddle! Ignore him. It's not your responsibility.

How old are your DC and has he ever taken them swimming before? I have zero stress related heart conditions and find swimming one of the most stressful things we do!! Wrestling damp children into clothes in a tiny, roasting cubicle is not relaxing. Not exactly the point, but I think the main pints have been covered!

YANBU but he is being a useless @*%&£#

He's trying to exert control.

I'd reply.

"I am unable to facilitate the time you spend with our DC. If using a website is difficult, perhaps you could go to the park or have a walk as you did before ".

Let him do it himself. He is just still trying to control and manipulate y

he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children

Perhaps he could give up smoking "for the children".

Also, he can learn to navigate the activity centre website. Navigating websites is a life skill and mastering it will reduce his stress.

I swear I can feel my vagina clamping shut when I read about men like him.

@Tistheseason17

He's trying to exert control.

I'd reply.

"I am unable to facilitate the time you spend with our DC. If using a website is difficult, perhaps you could go to the park or have a walk as you did before ".

Beautiful!

Just beautiful!

Ha ha - many responses are doing my heart good ❤️ ♥️ 💜

He has taken then swimming before and will have supervisor with him so I hope all will be well. Children can swim, though not particularly strongly. There are many lifeguards at this particular pool.

No, absolutely don't do this. What grown adult cannot book a swim session on a website? Don't enable him. He's being a grade A CF.

Point him towards some adult remedial classes for people who can't use websites and also some words-of-one-syllable government advice on how to avoid a heart attack. Clue #1 Give up Smoking (from the British Heart Foundation:If you smoke, quitting is the single most important step you can take to protect the health of your heart).

What an absolute knobber he is. Pathetic. It's obviously more about control, emotional manipulation and money than anything else. It's certainly not "for the children".

Here's hoping he has to go on a website that uses reCAPTCHA to get a booking confirmation. The stress of that fucking pile of repetative frustrating rarely functioning shite will make the useless article's head explode.

@congealedcrags Are you a Cabin Pressure fan? If so, love the reference!

OP - your ex is bonkers and I think TisTheSeason's suggestion is spot on.

No way. I mean, I understand some people do struggle with this sort of stuff. But given his past and the fact that he needs supervised contact, it’s just an added frustration about him to add to your list. I bet he’s just being lazy and coming up with excuses. If he’s struggling as much as he says he is, I’m sure there will be someone else who can help him. You do enough.

My ex asked me recently if I could help him clean his flat up so the kids could come and stay with him He’s also asked in the past if I can do things online for him. Like you I have a rocky past with my ex and I now have the kids full time on my own, and I have enough on my plate already without him asking me to do stuff for him when he’s perfectly capable of doing it all himself.

I also spotted the Cabin Pressure reference. Bravo

OP, I hope you're successful in maintaining your boundaries and getting some amusement out of this whole pathetic scenario.

@ Lassy1945 actually the best thing a woman could do for her children when the father is so violent he is only allowed to see the children in a contact centre (as per PP) would be to keep them as far away from him as possible. But since the courts have their own way of doing things, sometimes this isn’t possible. But no-one is unreasonable for not wanting to facilitate a violent abuser in any way shape or form.

I am pmsl at stress and heartbreak related heart conditions though.

I have a serious heart condition and every time I’ve been in hospital there have been numerous patients who have come in where the cardiologists talk to them about smoking, and “how you intend to give up.” Not advising them to, telling them in no uncertain terms that it needs to happen if they don’t want to make their condition worse.

Tell him to give up smoking and that will help his heartbreak, after all, the cigarettes are contributing to his heart literally being broken.

My ex was like this when we first split up. A couple of years of NO and he eventually got the message.... 🙄 now has some other poor woman doing his wife work for him tho.

The people saying “for the childrenzzz” - why should the OP continue to be manipulated, used and controlled? How does that benefit the children? Not going swimming with their dad isn’t going to harm them is it. Besides, as OP is perfectly capable of booking it, she can presumably take them herself on one of the 353 days of the year she looks after them. Why should dad get the credit for taking them swimming after all this bollocks and carry on about stressful websites?!

If the DC want to go swimming and he can’t or won’t make bookings then I would be taking them myself so they don’t miss out and he can’t find something else to do that doesn’t require someone else facilitating it.

Really cheeky to expect you to pay for it (I bet it will be too stressful to pay you back) and for you to have to stay up till midnight too!

He needs to grow up and if he is that worried about his heart he should be looking after it by stopping smoking and following the advice of his doctor- which is unlikely to be don’t make online bookings, more like diet and appropriate exercise.

@TheUndoingProject

Hahahah chancer. Tell him you’d hate to get stressed yourself and develop a heart condition so you can’t possibly help.

Yes, the children need one healthy parent.

My dh has heart problems, he had to give up smoking because it was intolerable to carry on smoking so I’d be suspicious he could actually bear to smoke.

Apparently it is also my fault that he smokes, because he can't give up due to the stress I am causing by following cafcass advice...

Does he actually have a heart problem though ? So many people who have mutiple heart problems by passes and transplants manage to live relatively normal lives outside the covid situation.

meant to ask what exactly is the heart break thing ?? He doesn't seem that bothered about dc, what a tosser.

My god, what a prick. CF of the highest order. Don’t be manipulated.

He threatened suicide a few times when we were together. One time I was at work so I called the community mental health team who sent someone around to check on him. Surprisingly he was not imminently about to or in the throes of killing himself and was very very angry with me for calling someone instead of just doing what he wanted.

Heart break - is either because of break up (he tells the dc that he still loves me regularly which is both unfair, cruel and inappropriate) and/or because of not seeing the children unsupervised, which is of course my fault and not a result of his actions at all.

What heart problem does he have and has it been confirmed by a Dr?

Even then it's pathetic.

suicide ? he won't do it he's too lazy selfish to do that , heartbreak because he loves you ? God what a pity party, i would disengage with this shit and keep very mim contact in your shoes.

It's incredible how many men can muster the empathy to get the words "It's for the children" out of their mouths, yet not manage to undertake actions that actually are child-focussed. It's like just saying the words makes them think it's enough to be "a good dad"..which simultaneously means "I'm trying, really I am gov, but I'm the real victim here".

Actions. If you want to know if he's manipulating, look at the actions, then the words.

He's not going swimming is he. Better get his thinking cap on..or is that something you'll be expected to give him too? 😉