Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Vulnerable adult being questioned during house survey?

146 replies

30julytoday · 10/04/2021 22:52

Should I make a complaint?

My DH ad I selling our home to downsize. DH has mental health issues resulting in poor memory, suspiciousness, poor cognitive function. Not obviously apparent to strangers . He Is on anti psychotic meds

So buyers surveyors asked to come on day i had a short hospital appointment. They couldn’t give a time in advance. They said we should try to vacate property or restrict ourselves to a single room, open doors windows etc due to covid. Given this. I agreed to their visit on that day, knowing DH may be on his own depending on what time they turned up. I saw no issue with this given he just needed to let them in and then stay out of their way

So just found out, 2 days later, that after I left they asked my DH if he would help them answer some questions about the valuation. Turns out it wasn’t about the valuation. He felt they were interrogating him, and they were asking him loads about various structural work on the property and issues they’d found.
He struggles to remember stuff. Told me he said things to them that aren’t true. He got in a panic trying to find documents that he would never be able to remember where they are kept. Result is 2 days later I have a stressed and panicking husband who feels he was forced to divulge stuff but he can’t remember what about. I’m at a loss to know what was asked or what he told them. I know he said some things that are misleading in findings and report.

Given they did not say they would be asking us anything should I tell them they cannot use any of the information he told them given we don’t now know what DH said and the stress he was under, and that he lacks full mental capacity? If I’d known in advanced they’d need to ask questions I’d have told them they couldn’t come that day and it needed to be while I was there

We’ve never been asked questions at a survey before...does this even sound right? I’d have been very reserved over what I divulged to them in these circumstances even though we don’t have issues we are aware of in the house.

They were also apparently banging on patio doors to try to get information from him while he was sitting inside while they were doing the outside stuff. Then when they did wan5 to come in scared the living daylights out of DH by ringing the bell multiple times and pounding on the front door- he thought there was an emergency and became very panicked.

I’m also mad that after sending us a video of how we were expected to behave because of covid, they questioned my husband at length apparently in a closed unventilated room. There were 2 of them from different households. We haven’t seen our sons since last august and are due to see them in May once they can travel and stay in hotel. Last thing I want is for DH to get covid now with 3-4 weeks to go.

AIBU to complain?

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 10/04/2021 22:56

Well given you didn’t explain, how were they to know your dh was vulnerable?
As far as they know the homeowner was there to allow access to the property and answer and questions. Surely this was to be expected?

Hellocatshome · 10/04/2021 22:57

In the nicest way possible are you sure thats exactly what happened. It seems odd that they would be banging on doors and ringing bells multiple times, maybe they did but can you be sure? I would certainly contact them though to explain that you wanted to know what information they took from your husband so you can make sure its accurate. If your husbands vulnerabilities aren't apparent and you didn't divulge them you can't really complain about them questioning a vulnerable adult as they won't have known thats what they did. If you can be sure they broke their own covid protocols then yes I would complain about that.

Zarinea · 10/04/2021 23:00

I can see how you're cross about COVID rules.

But asking an adult home owner about the house seems reasonable to me. Clearly your case is different to most, but without them knowing that you can't really complain to them!

30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:00

@HippeePrincess

Well given you didn’t explain, how were they to know your dh was vulnerable? As far as they know the homeowner was there to allow access to the property and answer and questions. Surely this was to be expected?
No it wasn’t expected..read the above..we were told to vacate or restrict contact. And my husbands mental health is not my right to share with anyone who is not anonymous

We’ve never been asked these questions before

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 10/04/2021 23:03

And my husbands mental health is not my right to share with anyone

If he is vulnerable then yes it is. You can't want him classed as and treated as a vulnerable adult on one hand but not think you need to tell anyone on the other hand.

AnnaSW1 · 10/04/2021 23:04

I don't think you have grounds to complain. They weren't to know.

30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:04

@Hellocatshome

In the nicest way possible are you sure thats exactly what happened. It seems odd that they would be banging on doors and ringing bells multiple times, maybe they did but can you be sure? I would certainly contact them though to explain that you wanted to know what information they took from your husband so you can make sure its accurate. If your husbands vulnerabilities aren't apparent and you didn't divulge them you can't really complain about them questioning a vulnerable adult as they won't have known thats what they did. If you can be sure they broke their own covid protocols then yes I would complain about that.
Ok, hear what you are saying that they didn’t know..I get that. However my point is that they should have told me that upfront before the appointment when they explained what we should expect and what e needed to do. They specifically stated no contact. If they’d told me they wanted to ask questions I’d have arranged a different day when I was guaranteed to be there. They don’t need to know other people’s medical information- that is not something my DH would, or should, need to disclose
OP posts:
30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:07

@Hellocatshome

And my husbands mental health is not my right to share with anyone

If he is vulnerable then yes it is. You can't want him classed as and treated as a vulnerable adult on one hand but not think you need to tell anyone on the other hand.

I don’t want him to be classed as anything. He has mental health problems- he is not a not a child.
OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 10/04/2021 23:09

They stated no contact and yet you agreed to let them carry out the survey knowing that your unwell DH would have to deal with them. You should have changed to a different day for the survey. You placed both your DH and the surveyor in an impossible situation.

luxxlisbon · 10/04/2021 23:10

You can’t say it isn’t their place to know about his medical information and then on the other complain that the treated him like any other adult. That doesn’t go both ways. Your DH was home alone with no care, seemingly perfectly capable to the surveyor and no one disclosed that he was vulnerable with poor cognitive functions, I really don’t see how this person was to know.

Geamhradh · 10/04/2021 23:10

Your OP says you agreed to them coming while you were out.
They asked, you said yes, they came. You say your husband's MH issues aren't immediately obvious. They found an adult in the house and asked him the things they needed to ask.
You also say he suffers from suspiciousness.
As kindly as possible, you feel guilty that they came while you were out and it was difficult for your husband.
But no, you have no ground whatsoever for complaint.

30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:11

@Hellocatshome

In the nicest way possible are you sure thats exactly what happened. It seems odd that they would be banging on doors and ringing bells multiple times, maybe they did but can you be sure? I would certainly contact them though to explain that you wanted to know what information they took from your husband so you can make sure its accurate. If your husbands vulnerabilities aren't apparent and you didn't divulge them you can't really complain about them questioning a vulnerable adult as they won't have known thats what they did. If you can be sure they broke their own covid protocols then yes I would complain about that.
He’s on anti psychotic..that means he is not delusional . I don’t believe they did it intentionally to scare the hell out of him, but it happened and it did have that effect.
OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 10/04/2021 23:11

I don’t want him to be classed as anything. He has mental health problems- he is not a not a child.

Yet it is you who labeled him as a vulnerable adult in your thread title.

emilyfrost · 10/04/2021 23:15

YABVU. You can’t expect to keep his mental health problems quiet while at the same time expecting people to treat him as a vulnerable adult.

An adult homeowner was present; they weren’t to know asking questions would cause any issues because you didn’t inform them.

This is on you.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 10/04/2021 23:15

Unless you made the person to whom you spoke aware that there was a vulnerable adult in the house and all questions should be directed to you only, then you’ve got nothing to complain about! They aren’t psychic, and finding one of the homeowners there, it’s natural they should ask questions of him.

The possible covid breaches are another matter and could certainly be taken up with them. You’ll probably need some evidence to back it up, though.

EastWestWhosBest · 10/04/2021 23:15

I’m sorry this happened but as far as they were concerned he was Mr Homeowner, a regular adult. If they didn’t know he a vulnerable adult then they would have treated him like any other home owner.

Really you should have made sure this happened on a day when you would be at home.

I understand why you wouldn’t want to tell the world your DHs medical history but you equally can’t complain when they didn’t know about it.

Hadalifeonce · 10/04/2021 23:17

In your shoes, I would contact them. If they said to vacate or be in another room, you would have no reason to expect there any contact with anyone in your home. As it is, you don't know what was asked or answered. Even if it's just for clarification, I would call them.

Horridcreature · 10/04/2021 23:23

It’s unfortunate but no grounds for complaint. From their pov there was an adult householder and they asked questions. I think you need to contact them (with oh agreement) to correct any mistakes - or maybe talk to your solicitor/estate agent if you have one to do that (I don’t know which would help sort this).

30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:23

@Geamhradh

Your OP says you agreed to them coming while you were out. They asked, you said yes, they came. You say your husband's MH issues aren't immediately obvious. They found an adult in the house and asked him the things they needed to ask. You also say he suffers from suspiciousness. As kindly as possible, you feel guilty that they came while you were out and it was difficult for your husband. But no, you have no ground whatsoever for complaint.
I agreed to the day of the visit. They could not give a time despite me asking. I was given the option of just 1 day. I was actually still in the house when they arrived and treated them, told them the windows were open and that I had to leave in around 30 mins, and to ring the bell hen they needed to come in. I explained that my husband was in but would stay out their way.mthey did not say they’d need to ask questions

And no I don’t feel guilty. I am not my husband s keeper, his nurse or mother. He has mild cognitive issues and mild memory issues. It does not make him incapable of managing most things . Just not an interrogation asking him to recall stuff from 15 years ago

OP posts:
30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:25

Treated not treated

OP posts:
30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:26

GREEted...story auto correct is not playing

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/04/2021 23:27

There are no grounds for complaint here. The surveyors asked the homeowner some questions, having no reason to think this was not appropriate.

In the circumstances it probably wasn't wise to leave him to deal with this - nine times out of ten when anyone comes to the house there will be questions of some sort. If he can be terrified by surveyors asking about building work, then it may be time to adjust expectations of how he can cope when left home alone.

30julytoday · 10/04/2021 23:30

@Hellocatshome

I don’t want him to be classed as anything. He has mental health problems- he is not a not a child.

Yet it is you who labeled him as a vulnerable adult in your thread title.

He is vulnerable..but it is not a label,and certainly not one I would use to people outside an anon chat room. That is what I meant. Think about it- would you like to be described as vulnerable to anyone and everyone who entered your home for an appointment even if you were?
OP posts:
MrsTulipTattsyrup · 10/04/2021 23:36

He is vulnerable..but it is not a label,and certainly not one I would use to people outside an anon chat room. That is what I meant. Think about it- would you like to be described as vulnerable to anyone and everyone who entered your home for an appointment even if you were?

You are doing your DH a greater disservice by trying to ignore his cognitive impairment out of embarrassment or sensibility, than you would be by being honest about it? Your decision not to make his vulnerability known has put him in this distressing position.

It seems to me that you’d benefit from having an open conversation between the two of you about how you can handle his condition with the outside world, so that you can avoid this sort of issue arising in the future.

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2021 23:36

You had a pre-arranged appointment with people you didn’t know.

That is not a situation in which to leave a vulnerable person.

You are annoyed you left him to deal with it, it didn’t go as you expected and not your projecting your annoyance on the surveyors. It’s perfectly reasonable to think you can ask the homeowner about their home.