Vulnerable adult being questioned during house survey?

[30julytoday]

Should I make a complaint?

My DH ad I selling our home to downsize. DH has mental health issues resulting in poor memory, suspiciousness, poor cognitive function. Not obviously apparent to strangers . He Is on anti psychotic meds

So buyers surveyors asked to come on day i had a short hospital appointment. They couldn’t give a time in advance. They said we should try to vacate property or restrict ourselves to a single room, open doors windows etc due to covid. Given this. I agreed to their visit on that day, knowing DH may be on his own depending on what time they turned up. I saw no issue with this given he just needed to let them in and then stay out of their way

So just found out, 2 days later, that after I left they asked my DH if he would help them answer some questions about the valuation. Turns out it wasn’t about the valuation. He felt they were interrogating him, and they were asking him loads about various structural work on the property and issues they’d found.
He struggles to remember stuff. Told me he said things to them that aren’t true. He got in a panic trying to find documents that he would never be able to remember where they are kept. Result is 2 days later I have a stressed and panicking husband who feels he was forced to divulge stuff but he can’t remember what about. I’m at a loss to know what was asked or what he told them. I know he said some things that are misleading in findings and report.

Given they did not say they would be asking us anything should I tell them they cannot use any of the information he told them given we don’t now know what DH said and the stress he was under, and that he lacks full mental capacity? If I’d known in advanced they’d need to ask questions I’d have told them they couldn’t come that day and it needed to be while I was there

We’ve never been asked questions at a survey before...does this even sound right? I’d have been very reserved over what I divulged to them in these circumstances even though we don’t have issues we are aware of in the house.

They were also apparently banging on patio doors to try to get information from him while he was sitting inside while they were doing the outside stuff. Then when they did wan5 to come in scared the living daylights out of DH by ringing the bell multiple times and pounding on the front door- he thought there was an emergency and became very panicked.

I’m also mad that after sending us a video of how we were expected to behave because of covid, they questioned my husband at length apparently in a closed unventilated room. There were 2 of them from different households. We haven’t seen our sons since last august and are due to see them in May once they can travel and stay in hotel. Last thing I want is for DH to get covid now with 3-4 weeks to go.

AIBU to complain?

Now you’re, not not your

Ffs.

Everyone saying it's reasonable to ask questions of a homeowner if they didn't realise he didn't have the capacity to answer those questions... yes, fair enough, apart from the fact the company specifically said there would be no contact and the homeowner should either be in another room or vacate the property.

Given they'd said that I don't think you were unreasonable to assume there wouldn't be any interaction with your husband and you could leave.

That combined with the Covid breaches would make me want to contact them. As you said, you probably need to anyway if the info they've been given is unreliable, and I think you can clarify that and make it clear you're not happy with how things unfolded as part of that, rather than 'ringing to complain'.

Let me ask you all a question . How many of you have actually been subjected to multiple detailed questions during a survey on your home? Is this now a thing?

We have never experienced or expected that before

It's hard to believe that they didn't notice that their questions were making OPs Dh panic and stressed. They could have just emailed OP later if they weren't getting immediate answers and these answers required OP/DH to go through filing cabinets to provide answers. Its quite common to give the householder time to answer these kinds of questions.
Also they didn't tell OP they would be asking questions when she was still in the house, and clearly as they seemed to have so many questions, this was a part of the survey and should have been mentioned.
Having made conditions about social distancing, why didn't they follow their own procedures.

I would call them and get them to repeat the questions they asked back to you so that this can be clarified.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

He is vulnerable..but it is not a label,and certainly not one I would use to people outside an anon chat room. That is what I meant. Think about it- would you like to be described as vulnerable to anyone and everyone who entered your home for an appointment even if you were?

You are doing your DH a greater disservice by trying to ignore his cognitive impairment out of embarrassment or sensibility, than you would be by being honest about it? Your decision not to make his vulnerability known has put him in this distressing position.

It seems to me that you’d benefit from having an open conversation between the two of you about how you can handle his condition with the outside world, so that you can avoid this sort of issue arising in the future.

I agree with this - going forwards you do need to agree a way to deal with such situations.

However, I don't think you are wrong to complain about the questioning given you were told to vacate or keep away. You weren't expecting questions because of that, and while they weren't to know, they were going against what they had told you. Covid protocols aside - you should explain the situation, and ask them to either delete all the information your DH gave them and start again, or share it all with you so you can comment or correct anything that's wrong.

Hope your DH is feeling OK now.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

He is vulnerable..but it is not a label,and certainly not one I would use to people outside an anon chat room. That is what I meant. Think about it- would you like to be described as vulnerable to anyone and everyone who entered your home for an appointment even if you were?

You are doing your DH a greater disservice by trying to ignore his cognitive impairment out of embarrassment or sensibility, than you would be by being honest about it? Your decision not to make his vulnerability known has put him in this distressing position.

It seems to me that you’d benefit from having an open conversation between the two of you about how you can handle his condition with the outside world, so that you can avoid this sort of issue arising in the future.

My point is it is not my right to disclose his medical details. No one has that right. Not even doctors to the police.

@Merryoldgoat

Now you’re, not not your

Ffs.

Sorry..is that aimed at me?

@Merryoldgoat

You had a pre-arranged appointment with people you didn’t know.

That is not a situation in which to leave a vulnerable person.

You are annoyed you left him to deal with it, it didn’t go as you expected and not your projecting your annoyance on the surveyors. It’s perfectly reasonable to think you can ask the homeowner about their home.

It was not “with” people. I was specifically told to stay out of their way and minimise contact. That’s my whole point.

If you choose that route, then you need a better system for ensuring that your DH isn’t left in this position again. You could have told the surveyor that your husband is unwell and wouldn’t be able to interact with them - that’s not ‘disclosing medical details’. It might be different if you were giving chapter and verse, but that’s not needed.

You seem oddly detached from your DH and his condition - stating so clearly that essentially you’re not his keeper doesn’t reflect my feelings when my own DH was suffering with his significant mental health problems. I get the feeling that there is more to how you’re feeling about the situation. If that’s the case then I recommend getting some counselling. It’s very hard supporting a partner in this situation and we can all do with some help.

@30julytoday

The ffs was at my frustration with autocorrect- first line is me correcting my post, second is me swearing at the autocorrect

You never told them ,you say "Not obviously apparent to strangers"
so I'm struggling to see how they would know.

The questions were relevant to the task they were doing.

Treading carefully You have your DH version of events .

You should of told them who do you think they would tell. Doubt they'd give it a second thought .

It's pretty standard for surveyors to ask structural questions if they find something and need it clarifying. I'm sorry your husband was upset but if he is that vulnerable than you shouldnt have left him home alone with strangers. You should have rearranged.

Just ring the surveyor and state that unfortunately your husband gets confused, so can they run through the various questions with you!

@30julytoday

Let me ask you all a question . How many of you have actually been subjected to multiple detailed questions during a survey on your home? Is this now a thing?

We have never experienced or expected that before

When my DH sold his flat 5 years ago the surveyor did ask quite a few questions, even though it was a new build (6-7 years old) leasehold flat. The survey for the house we bought was mostly the surveyors observations but there were a few comments of "the homeowner cannot recall x, y or a" or "the homeowner stated x, y or z"

You’re getting too stressed about this. Yes questions are normal.

Ring the surveyor ASAP and explain that DH was poorly (post headache or what ever you’d prefer to say) and has been worried he’d answered questions incorrectly. Would surveyor like you do confirm any details?

DH should have passed your phone number to the surveyor. Maybe let him know for next time or arrange for him to be out.

I had a survey once and I pointed out every problem with the house from windows which had blown to my poor efforts at plastering in a cupboard. He was very sweet and said something like ‘you’re very honest’, then priced the house perfectly much to my surprise.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

He is vulnerable..but it is not a label,and certainly not one I would use to people outside an anon chat room. That is what I meant. Think about it- would you like to be described as vulnerable to anyone and everyone who entered your home for an appointment even if you were?

You are doing your DH a greater disservice by trying to ignore his cognitive impairment out of embarrassment or sensibility, than you would be by being honest about it? Your decision not to make his vulnerability known has put him in this distressing position.

It seems to me that you’d benefit from having an open conversation between the two of you about how you can handle his condition with the outside world, so that you can avoid this sort of issue arising in the future.

Not my decision to make. His. How would you feel if you were mentally ill and your spouse went around telling everyone this without your express permission. I am actually quite shocked by some of the responses here like this. No one, no one has a right to divulge someone else personal medical information in any circumstances without express permission It has nothing to do with me being embarrassed about it. It has everything to do with personal autonomy, trust and the crap understanding and responses to people with mental illness in our society.

Anyway, we digress....

You don't need to disclose medical details. Only thing you need to say "x is vulnerable, so please treat him with bit extra care by not being loud and don't ask questions. I will be able to asnwer whatever you need later".

How else would someone know?

You had people coming to your house that you didn’t know. That’s the reality OP.

People are people and can be unpredictable. No contact - what does that mean? A question through a door could well meet that criterion.

I still think that it’s not unreasonable to think a homeowner could be asked questions about their house during a survey.

@Saltyslug

You’re getting too stressed about this. Yes questions are normal.

Ring the surveyor ASAP and explain that DH was poorly (post headache or what ever you’d prefer to say) and has been worried he’d answered questions incorrectly. Would surveyor like you do confirm any details?

DH should have passed your phone number to the surveyor. Maybe let him know for next time or arrange for him to be out.

I had a survey once and I pointed out every problem with the house from windows which had blown to my poor efforts at plastering in a cupboard. He was very sweet and said something like ‘you’re very honest’, then priced the house perfectly much to my surprise.

“DH should have passed.....” Good point that I missed out... Actually he did say to them repeatedly that Mrs 30 July would remember and could they ask her...they did not stop asking him

You've brought this on yourself, leaving your husband to cope in a situation which was out of his depth.

He was an adult resident (owner) of the house they were surveying. Why would they not try to communicate with him?
Planning a complaint is ludicrous.

Yes, it is normal to be asked questions. If you go over to the Property section, you’ll see that in a few threads there at least.

You don’t have to disclose his diagnosis with anyone, but equally you can’t complain if they ask him things that are out of his comfort zone without knowing he may not be best placed to answer them.

I don’t believe you can complain, but you do need to find out what he said to them and find an alternative way to explain things he said / correct them, if you don’t want to disclose his illness.

[quote Merryoldgoat]@30julytoday

The ffs was at my frustration with autocorrect- first line is me correcting my post, second is me swearing at the autocorrect[/quote]
Ah ok 😉was having same issues!

Let me ask you all a question . How many of you have actually been subjected to multiple detailed questions during a survey on your home? Is this now a thing?

I was, and that was almost 20 years ago, so it is nothing new. I had no idea when the roof was redone etc, so I just said "don't know/no idea/not to my knowledge" and that was fine.

They have a list of boxes to tick, it's not an interrogation.

If you want him to be treated differently because he's vulnerable, then you need to let people know that he's vulnerable.

That doesn't mean detailing his medical history to every Tom, Dick and Harry. You could say something vague like "he has a medical condition" or just make something up: "he's recovering from a migraine today, that tends to make him a bit confused."

Otherwise of course they're going to assume that the homeowner can answer questions about their house, and can cope with someone knocking on the door.