How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

@BurbageBrook

That’s awful that you didn’t support her for her first two years after you said you would!

Then to find out there’s no issue in supporting the other children from the start will add to that.

What mum did was irrelevant, the dad should be ensuring equal support for all his children not just some in order to be fair and ensure none get treated differently.

@MiddayMadDog

Did the 23 year old get trampolines and holidays and activities (or whatever) when she was a young child? If so, then there won't be any resentment. If not, why not? If the family's financial situation has changed dramatically in that time then I would consider giving a lump sum to the older one to help with whatever she needs now

This is mad. Absolutely mad.

Its also pretty sad that families here are measured in terms of the 'stuff' they give their kids rather than the love and emotional support and nurturing. What a poor lesson to teach your children.

Very, very sad to see so many people here think that love is shown by the amount of stuff you give. I feel sorry for their kids that, aside from the fact that they're being set up to fail, if they're raised this way and suddenly both parents lose their job and no more presents or money comes in, they'll think they're loved less

Then to find out there’s no issue in supporting the other children from the start will add to that.

Why do adult children even know what their siblings are getting? Pretty sure when I got those odd £50 cheques at Uni for booze food by mum didn't call my 3 singlings up to share the news.

This is utterly bonkers. Giving an adult a lump sum because you didn’t have much money when they were a kid? You cannot actually be serious?

Some people seem to think it’s a given that all parents give their children an allowance at uni, it really isn’t! It’s not a god given right to get regular financial support from your parents. Some parents simply don’t have the money spare! It’s one thing topping up the maintenance loan if the child only qualifies for the lowest amount, but to send a monthly payment then continue it after they’ve graduated and BOUGHT THEIR OWN HOUSE is ludicrous. The DSD sounds like a brat here, kicking off because you didn’t pay her first two years. She should be grateful you were able to give her anything! I’d have no respect for a homeowning adult who still got monthly pocket money.

We paid out different amounts to our DDs. Purely because when DD1 went to Uni we had no money, but when dd2 went we were much better off. DD1 got a bigger student loan, dd2 got the minimum as my income was higher. Both have great jobs, earn more than I ever did!.
We gave DD1 £1k when she bought a house, and the same when she got married. We did the same for dd2. We probably helped out dd2 a bit more than DD1 as DD1 got a hefty deposit from her DHs parents that enabled them to buy a much bigger house, and he has money inherited from his grandparents whereas dd2s dh is from a very poor family so no money coming there!. DD1 also helped out DD2 when she got married.

But if my circumstances had changed massively for the better in between children then I would want to share that with both my DC because I love them!

That's an awful sentiment. You teach them that love=money this way.

Mine are all adults, they were all fairly close together. We have always helped them according to their needs and our means at the time. Just the way my parents did for all of us. They don't equate cash with love.

DH's parents had a mild tendency to the bean counting method of support and his sibling still has issues with this today.

When you give one child something they actually need and the others something they don't soley "to make it fair" you teach them that cash sharing equates to love sharing.

Over the years some DC need more cash, others more time, others may need different support. It all balances out overall and generally all are happiest if one form of support isn't seen as their "share" of your love for them.

OP, it's irrelevant that she is a stepchild. It's only relevant to those posters that have unconscious bias towards stepmums being scheming and evil, fathers being lazy and not interested, and step kids being delicate little flowers that need protecting. Ever that, or they've watched too many movies or read too many fairy tales.

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@Estasala well funnily enough my sister loves her kids too.

She also recognises that a 7yo needs better financial support from his parents than a 23yo who wasn't lived at home for 5 years. So she does spend her spare money on her 7yo. Should he go without because she wasn't fortunate enough to provide such a good life for his older sister[/quote]
She should do whatever she thinks is best.

I was saying what I would do. I wouldn't make my younger child go without anything that they needed, but equally if I was able to afford fancy holidays etc then I would invite both my DC to come.

Very, very well said @C8H10N4O2

I was saying what I would do. I wouldn't make my younger child go without anything that they needed, but equally if I was able to afford fancy holidays etc then I would invite both my DC to come.

Inviting an adult child on a family holiday is vastly different to giving them a lump sum because they didn't get a trampoline when they were 7.

Personally I refused to take money from my parents as soon as I started working. Eveb through uni I got a part time job to find my going out to clubs etc because I know my parents didn't agree with those things so to use their money for it felt wrong. The money was for general living and books.

not every one pays towards their offspring university.

And if it makes a difference, my sister invites her 23yo on holidays with her husband (so 23yo's stepdad), her 18yo sister and 7yo brother. We usually have big family holidays when we're allowed to. I have no idea who pays for 23yo because I'd never even think to ask.

Then to find out there’s no issue in supporting the other children from the start will add to that.

What mum did was irrelevant, the dad should be ensuring equal support for all his children not just some in order to be fair and ensure none get treated differently.

If DM paid the first two years the DF paid the last two years then that is equal support to OP and DF paying for 4 years.

I think so much depends on the reasons it wasnt paid doesn't it.
Was it financial difficulty or political game playing between the parents?
Was the child expecting support that was withdrawn or were the family not financially able to but are now...

Really that does make a lot of difference I think.

I think you should stop and put it towards the next two children's time at uni. If in the future you have some spare cash to help with student loans so be it. DSD sounds in a good position so you should not feel guilty

How much of the loan did she get?

When your circumstances changed did you go to Student Finance and ask them to recalculate the loan amount?

@TableFlowerss when the loans system first came in the PR was all over the idea that it would have nothing to do with parental income, but that lasted less than five years. It's amazing the number of high earners who spend eighteen years bringing up children without actually discovering this.

Why on earth are people talking about contributing towards tuition fees?

I'd do the full three years, especially if that is what you promised her. It must have been very distressing for her to start uni - away from home for the first time, promised financial support, to suddenly find that she wasn't a priority, that you hadn't sorted out finances in advance, ensuring there was money for her, that she was sent to the back of the queue. This is your way of making amends and to unmake them because you fancy a bit more cash would show you up to be completely unreliable. Give her three years worth as decided, but let her know that it will stop after three years - the equivalent of uni, as she is now an adult. I wouldn't mention it's because you need to support your next child through uni as this might come over as favouritism as you didn't support her.

No, I don’t agree with this ‘all kids must get equal monies’ nonsense. I think supporting an adult child should depend entirely on their circumstances.

In your case, she’s graduated and is working so should be self supporting now and setting a good example to the younger siblings.

There’s 20 years between me and my oldest sibling and she was married when I came along. (Not a step family, same parents). When our mum died, we were all left £10k (small fry by today’s standards and no house to sell) but the two older siblings gave their portion to the 3rd sibling as he’s registered disabled and living on a low income so the extra £20k on top of his £10k was able to make a big difference to him and he was able to update his home to make it more comfortable. I was a student and the £10k enabled me to finish my studies.

We’re all still very close and for me, it’s about supporting each other after the parents are long gone.

Simple test: would you consider not giving one of your own bio kids the same level of help as youve already given your step child? I suspect the answer would be a firm no.

Therefore, I would be completely fair by giving them all 2 years support or giving them all 3 and extending her support to 3 years. That way, you can look back and know that they all had completely equal support.

I find it bizarre a 22 year old who has a job and a mortgage for a house is ok with getting a monthly allowance from her dad?? Just weird to me

@mintybobs

Simple test: would you consider not giving one of your own bio kids the same level of help as youve already given your step child? I suspect the answer would be a firm no.

Therefore, I would be completely fair by giving them all 2 years support or giving them all 3 and extending her support to 3 years. That way, you can look back and know that they all had completely equal support.

But the step daughter also has a mum who helps financially so, it isnt a fair level overall, the step daughter would get more as the other 2 children will only get same amount from dad and their mum.

I would suggest that dsd gets half the support as dc as they have another parent to contribute. It seems fair that way. I don't expect my dp to contribute towards my DD's university and vice versa

There's just a nagging issue in the back of our minds, a degree is 3 years so we should pay for 3 years.

But she doesn't need it now. She has a job & is buying her first house. If you are worried, why not try to set aside a small sum monthly that can accumulate so if she ever needs a bit of a cash boost, you can give her a thousand or so.

You don't say enough about the DSD situation eg what support she gets from her mother & mother's family etc etc.

But on the face of it, your husband and her mother have done their job in launching your DSD into the adult world.

No adult working and earning enough for a mortgage needs financial support from their parents.