How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

@NiceGerbil

It's entirely up to you.

Opinions on this differ hugely.

My own view is I'd do it if I could afford it. Can you reduce? It's not all or nothing.

Coming out of uni with a stack of debt is the way now but not good.

She looked after herself for 2 years at uni, can't you manage the final year?

Jobs are like hens teeth now for the things that were open to students.

It also depends on the subject. Mine was full time lectures/ lab work I only had weds afternoon off. Some friends had 2 or 3 hours of lectures a week. That's a big difference.

Myths like this is what puts lower income families off Uni. Student “debt” is like no other debt and should not be seen the same. It is a contributory grant. You get the grant, and when you earn enough you contribute back. It does not appear on your credit file or affect your ability to get a mortgage etc. So please. Full fee and maintenance loans are FINE. This family should stop paying for a 23 year old with a job. End of. Maybe a taper would work?

@mintybobs

But the step daughter also has a mum who helps financially so, it isnt a fair level overall, the step daughter would get more as the other 2 children will only get same amount from dad and their mum

Well, if we are counting other income then what about inheritances? if the OP's kids inherit from their bio grandparents then they should also get less surely? what if they get better paid jobs during college- should they then get less because they are earning more than their DSD?
I am referring to fairness in how you treat someone. Overall life fairness is something none of us have control over- life doesnt treat us all fairly unfortunately but we CAN control the fairness of how we treat people.

Also, I dont agree that if you treat people fairly it means money= love.
Thats utter BS. If any parent left all of their money to one sibling and none at all to the other they would absolutely assume that meant they werent loved as much. I would challenge anyone not to feel that if they were in that scenario.

My parents helped my brother get on properly ladder by giving him the deposit, they didnt help me as me and my husband saved for a few years and my husband parents gave us a little, i dont equal that as my parents loved me less. My brother just got the help and i didnt need the help.

I can see all sides. How about suggesting paying half the amount each month for the next 2 years to ease your monthly outgoings and she will still get the same but over a longer time. If she is not bothered about the money she will suggest you stop. If she is she will accept it. Then you'll know if she expects it or not.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

It would be about improving her quality of life with whatever she needs now, in the present, if it was within my means

Can you really not see the pitfalls of constantly buying things for your children well into adulthood just because you want them to have nice things?

Well this is the thing you see, I wouldn't consider 23 to be well into adulthood. I was certainly not settled or earning much at that age, although it's possible some DC may be, or they may be in a better position than their parents for whatever reason.

My parents did help me from time to time and I was very grateful. I even moved back home for a while when I was made redundant. As I got older and more secure things changed. I don't think this harmed me in any way! I am really grateful and realise not everybody can afford to do so. Who knows what the future holds. Mine are really little. Things can change. By the time they are setting out I might not be able to help. But if I can, I will.

I do know some mature adults that are very reliant on their parents but I don't think this necessarily follows from helping them get started out. This can go along with instilling values like hard work, gratitude, saving, planning etc.

Well this is the thing you see, I wouldn't consider 23 to be well into adulthood. I was certainly not settled or earning much at that age, although it's possible some DC may be, or they may be in a better position than their parents for whatever reason.

They've just bought a house.

What? An adult who has a job and owns their own home shouldn't be getting pocket money off their parents.

This. Utterly ridiculous!

I would stop contributing now but would continue to put some money aside for a while to be able to offer a one off sum for either a wedding or house deposit.

I do know some mature adults that are very reliant on their parents but I don't think this necessarily follows from helping them get started out. This can go along with instilling values like hard work, gratitude, saving, planning etc.

See I just think if you Chuck all your spare money at your children and not yourself they'll be grabby and entitled and see you as a cash machine not a human deserving of the money they earned themselves. And that's children! That attitude doesn't stop when going into adulthood.

Mind you, and I'm not saying this is you Estala, some people on MN do think any spare money should go to their children and never treat themselves. I got called selfish and thoughtless by more than one poster on a thread recently when I said I was having a long weekend away later in the year with a girlfriend. Very much a "oh I could never spend that on me when I think what joy it would bring my children" - I suspect there's many people like this IRL too

Were you supposed to pay? That is, was your stepdaughters maintenance loan reduced because of your household income? (Or if you refused to give your income details on her finance application). If yes, arguably you should keep paying what you 'owe'.

I was one of two sisters and my younger sibling was always given more than me. She got new school uniforms while i got tat from the second hand market. Every time I wanted to go on a school outing or something which cost money the answer was "no" because she needed something. When I started work at 16 (there were 7 years between us) every pound I tipped up for my "keep" went onto her back for smart uniforms and frilly topped socks. It caused endless bitterness and remained an issue which divided us for many years.

Treat your children equally and be seen to do so or it will come back to haunt you.

I think if it was your only child, you needn't have carried on after graduation. Given that you will pay more for your other children complicates things and I'd feel guilty too.
However if her mother also contributed, then that should be taken into account. As long as the children all had the same amount to live on, no matter where it came from, then I think that's fair. In that case I'd stop paying now. You've evened things up enough. Perhaps too much.

I’ve always been scrupulously fair and even with mine, even when it hasn’t made much sense .

We carried on paying one phone contract for a working child for ages because his sibs were at university - and he’s a pro footballer so he didn’t need the cash

To be fair though, we cab easily afford it. If we couldn’t it might be different.

Every family differs. My sons even know a boy from school where the older sibling pays for the younger at university down the chain! luckily they have big age gaps.

In our case I have given them all the same for university (and post grad if they do sensible post grad - 4 of the 5 have done 2 years of post grad law). My parents did the same - i f one of us picked a longer course eg I have a doctor sibling and I am a lawyer they paid for whatever that sensible course was even that were a year longer than the other sibling.

My twins have their last law course ending in summer 2022 and I have helped all the children to the same extent towards buying a first property. However there is an end. My older did stay at home, work full time and also help with is younger brothers so left a little older than the girls but that was fine as there was mutual use - he was a paid au pair enabling me to work plus his normal job. when they left for university I said it was time he moved into his own house which he had been letting out for a year and that was fine - no problems.

The older 3 children are totally independent (I just paid a bit of money for the wedding of one yesterday but that's a once in a life time thing - wedding in a week). I hope the younger two will be by about 25 (law is a long thing - 3 year degree, 2 year post grad if you don't read law, then 2 years as a trainee). If it ends up being 26 before they move out and live off their earnings that's fine but there is an end point and they all know it.We even put things in writing in this family!

@HaveringWavering

Being able to buy a home a year after graduation is HUGE and very, very unusual. I’ll ask again- where did the deposit come from? This is a huge elephant in the room when discussing the financial needs of the DSD.

I'm pretty sure the majority of it would have come from her mum or maybe maternal grandparents. I'm pretty sure DH didn't ask.

Just to answer another question, yes her mum contributed to uni financially. We have 0 relationship with the mum and that has been the way since dsd was 19. Dsd has never gone without and had a very comfortable childhood. I fully respect what her mum could do and has done for her. I don't respect that our inability to provide the same level of finance was often thrown in our faces (not just the uni thing but throughout childhood). We always paid CM and extras when we could. It was regularly checked using the online calculator and when DH lost his job, I paid. It was never reduced.

The plan originally was that the maintenance would switch from mum to her. That's the amount of money we are sending each month but there was obv a 2 year gap.

Again, it's absolutely not 'dad wants to keep paying, evil step mum wants to stop'. We're both equally torn and I guess the more this thread goes on, the more we realise it's 'she doesn't need the money now but will she see it that we don't care and throw it back at us/him that we didn't give her as much as she (or more likely her mum) thinks we should have'.

I know there is an element of 'cupboard love' to that but I guess that's an unfortunate consequence of a split family.

@safariboot

Were you supposed to pay? That is, was your stepdaughters maintenance loan reduced because of your household income? (Or if you refused to give your income details on her finance application). If yes, arguably you should keep paying what you 'owe'.

As a PP explained, the NRP's income is not taken into account when calculating loans etc. We were never asked to fill in paperwork regarding uni for her. Her loans etc were based purely on her mother's income/household.

shouldn't you be discussing this with her?

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I do know some mature adults that are very reliant on their parents but I don't think this necessarily follows from helping them get started out. This can go along with instilling values like hard work, gratitude, saving, planning etc.

See I just think if you Chuck all your spare money at your children and not yourself they'll be grabby and entitled and see you as a cash machine not a human deserving of the money they earned themselves. And that's children! That attitude doesn't stop when going into adulthood.

Mind you, and I'm not saying this is you Estala, some people on MN do think any spare money should go to their children and never treat themselves. I got called selfish and thoughtless by more than one poster on a thread recently when I said I was having a long weekend away later in the year with a girlfriend. Very much a "oh I could never spend that on me when I think what joy it would bring my children" - I suspect there's many people like this IRL too

It's certainly a delicate balance and something to consider carefully. How to give your DC nice things, and help them out in life, whilst not making them spoilt or lacking independence.

I agree that adults are important too! I hope you enjoy your trip. I'm having a child free holiday myself next weekend - zero guilt here!

I think if your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter then he should give her the exact same level of support as the next children going to uni will get.

I know a family who decided to leave one of their children less in their will as they decided this child ‘didn’t need it’. It caused a lot of bad feeling in the family. I think they should all get the same.

Is your DH the father of the younger children?

He must have behaved very badly in his previous marriage if the ex will not even speak to him about his daughter.

I have had 3 dc go through college. They didn't all get the same. Two opted for a major city where accommodation etc as more expensive. Other went to a cheaper city but we paid their accommodation without measuring up the difference. Not in UK so no student loans. Also our dd was savagely Independent and determined to pay her way as much as possible so she didn't get as much as the others.They all had jobs at various stages .As long as the 3 got their degrees and masters we counted it done even if there was a discrepancy. They have never mentioned it.
Even in Secondary school two went to a fee paying school and the other opted not to as he hated it we didnt make it up to him financially. The thought never crossed my mind as the opportunity was there but didn't suit him.
I know when it's a DSD it is different but you can only do what you can manage.

Stop paying, this seems crazy to me. She has a good job, just bought a house. Madness to keep giving her money. Also, think about the law-you can give away £3K per year according to HMRC (more if an exception eg wedding gift) That’s in total, not per child.

What has been said between you and your DSD ? I think this is all very odd or is it a case of you have had a direct debit to her while at University and just haven’t stopped it and now are questioning whether you should keep paying her until the equivalent of 3 years has been paid ?

Biggest drip feed ever OP and quite obvious she was not yours.

Why doesn't your DP be a big boy and talk to her about it. She is now older and may well understand in a more adult way that Dad has money issues and she is not and never has been his priority.

I can imagine at the time her DF refusing to contribute went down like a lead a balloon, especially if it was expected. he would. Yet another example of an NRP expecting his EX to look after their joint DC.

At the end of the day - it is not your issue OP it is your DPs - he chose to absolve himself of his responsibility for his child. Regardless of whether people agree with helping at Uni or not - he obviously led her to believe he would and then reneged.

Piss poor parenting and quite right he feels guilty. Sounds like monies have been an issue all along - we paid CMS - seriously that could be thousands or £20 pcm!
Good job she has one parent who has supported her. Because the other one seems to blame his lack of monies on having to support her all along.

Despite my vitriol - I do not actually agree with continuing to pay her without having a conversation with her first and then take it from there. She has done well for herself with help from her mother and good luck to her,

Could you half the amount and pay it over 2 years instead IF you really need to pay her the rest.