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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
sparkle17 · 09/04/2021 22:48

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement

Inneedoflifeadvice · 09/04/2021 22:51

No, I support my family, despite being on an extremely low income due to disability but I voted YANBU because I don't see any harm in it.

Inneedoflifeadvice · 09/04/2021 22:51

Oh sorry I mean I voted YABU.

BeaLola · 09/04/2021 22:51

My lovely Dad does - he often gives me £500 or £1000 - he dies the sand for my brother . We are both financially ok but he says he wants to treat us.

My Dad is very generous in all ways - generous in spirit , in thoughts and actions . I adore him

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 22:53

@sparkle17

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement
My PIL have a beautiful house and around 5 holidays a year pre-covid.
OP posts:
sparkle17 · 09/04/2021 23:02

Wow they really are living the dream then

Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 23:04

My parents own their own home, have savings and go abroad 3-4 times a year with probably 6 U.K. breaks also.

FireflyRainbow · 09/04/2021 23:08

You lucky bunch. I'm more likely to give my mum money she's more hard up than me after separating from my step dad many moons ago.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 23:10

@sparkle17

Yes - 2 abroad usually, one week in the UK quite nearby with my DS and two shorter U.K. breaks.

Tbh the week they take DS away is the biggest gift! 🤣🤣

OP posts:
NobbySignaler · 09/04/2021 23:13

I have been wondering why it has been such a hard slog getting ahead in life (but haven't) despite having a reasonable job that is better paid than my peers, and now I realise from this thread it's because my parents never help me out financially! I'm shocked the amount people get offered (and accept) but I wouldn't say no of it was me.

NewjobOldme · 09/04/2021 23:17

@FireflyRainbow

You lucky bunch. I'm more likely to give my mum money she's more hard up than me after separating from my step dad many moons ago.
I'm the same. I helped my parents out financially as soon as I had a job. I've never had the luxury of having anyone to rely on.
Ravenspeckingearly · 09/04/2021 23:18

Got £50k 20 years ago for a house deposit and nothing since- DM doesn’t even offer to pay for her own meal when we are out, never mind ours (she is the only parent I know of the baby boomer generation who is like this). ILs will often buy bigger gifts for DC ie new bikes, but nothing for us.
I know quite a few families like yours. One friends parents pick up all the big ticket spends- school fees, cars, expensive furniture, holidays. My friend and her DH don’t work FT between them.

Linnet · 09/04/2021 23:20

@sparkle17

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement
My in laws are very well off. They are self employed, own a few properties both here in the UK and abroad. In pre COVID times they traveled abroad at least every couple of months. They also spend a lot of time socialising and when we see them, they don’t live near us, they always pay for meals out etc. They certainly don’t go without to give us money.

As I said upthread, the money they have given us is very much appreciated and we’re grateful for it, we certainly don’t expect them to give us anything at all. We’re not high earners, although we get by just fine, but the money they have given us has helped to do up bits of our flat that we were saving to do anyway but were then able to complete sooner.

Thisbastardcomputer · 09/04/2021 23:23

My dad used to say, you have money to burn when the fires gone out

Rewis · 09/04/2021 23:26

@sparkle17

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement
With my parents it's not tax inheritance planning per se. It's just being generous. The options are that either they buy stuff for us (they dont give a lot but if I buy a sofa they might give £200 towards it or if my siblings go on holiday they might pay my nephews portion etc.) or it is on their account till they die. They have enough to go on holiday, spend time at the lake house and live a nice life. I'd love it if they spend it and would never accept it if it meant they had to go without.

My parents are of the generation that managed to get housing early and pay it off early. Even upgraded to a new build when they retired. Managed to get work immediately after school and work their way up from storage room into the management. They also inherited their parents who bought their big houses in the 50's from far away from the city but now the city has expanded that it's considered almost downtown and has gone up in value. Also both inherited part of a holiday property by the lake as it was common to buy in the 60's. It won't be the same with my generation.

LemonRoses · 09/04/2021 23:26

@sparkle17

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement
We love nice holidays but it’s a bit limited at the moment. I don’t see the conflict between having nice holidays and helping your children. Doing both is good.
saraclara · 09/04/2021 23:27

@sparkle17

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement
Ha! After 40 years of saving, I do find it hard to spend on myself! But I treat myself to holidays, as ravel is my 'thing', and I'm getting better at not just buying the cheapest of things for the house or for me. But right now I get more pleasure from what I can do to help my kids.

It's not like I'm buying them houses and paying private school fees or ridiculous stuff. But in my case, I certainly feel that some of my money is their late father's legacy to them. And I enjoy using it for that.

Ragwort · 09/04/2021 23:31

I am over 60 and my DPs give me (& my siblings and the DGC) very generous financial gifts - with no strings attached. They also have a very comfortable life style and are adamant they have 'everything in life that they need' ... at 90 they don't really want to be jetting off on overseas holidays anymore (they have enjoyed lovely holidays over the years) but they can afford a luxury weekend in a nice hotel in this country (pre Covid) .... they are certainly not living frugallly just to pass on their money. Like others have said on this thread, they want to see us enjoying the money before they die.

LankylegsFromOz · 09/04/2021 23:49

I haven't read all the replies but I reckon they just want to see you enjoy the inheritance you will receive anyway when they die. I think it's nice. If it makes them happy then win/win. Enjoy! 🙂

Nannyamc · 09/04/2021 23:53

To me it is hugely important to help your children. Thankfully mid 60s we can do it. We were left feck all. We have helped with weddings and house deposits. We have saving accounts for gcs also. I hate to see any of them struggling. Was brought up in poverty and i hope they will never know it.Hoping to save on taxes later.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/04/2021 23:56

YABU - they are doing this because they would rather pass on their wealth to you than to the government in the form of inheritance tax

Hollywhiskey · 10/04/2021 00:01

My parents are like that. We want to do the same for our kids

RachelsHoliday21 · 10/04/2021 00:04

Not on a regular basis but both sets of parents gave us money when they inherited some (gp dying).

DarkishBlue · 10/04/2021 00:12

I feel like the odd one out of this whole thread. We're in our sixties and both our children have more savings and higher incomes than we do.
There was nothing to inherit from any of our parents. We own the house we live in but that's the extent of it.

We're comfortable enough to get by, but certainly can't afford to give money away. It's another world to me, all this free cash.

Blatantly · 10/04/2021 00:13

Better to give with a warm hand than a cold one!