Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
MsAnnFrope · 09/04/2021 21:28

@RaeRaeMama I realise it’s poor form but you said on a previous post your parents bought you a brand new car for your 21st.
But like you said you do you...

KeyboardWorriers · 09/04/2021 21:29

My parents do this, and DH can be a bit taken aback by it, but I do think it is because they had the same kind of help from their parents when they had young children.

So I would never ask for help and I very much take pride in standing on my own feet, but they like to buy things like bits of technology, kit for the children's hobbies etc and I can see they enjoy doing it.

They did also help me massively when I left abusive ex by paying for things like car repairs, a computer and legal fees and that made such a tremendous difference.

I think they see it as a way of adding extra to our lives and also quite sensible from am IHT perspective

SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/04/2021 21:29

Both my parents give me money from time to time but I also have mixed feelings about it. I have a slightly strained relationship with my dad and I think he gives me money, in part, to try and make up for this. I hate that he wont even let me buy him a pint in return - he insists on paying for absolutely everything, which I find quite infantilising and patronising. The relationship would break down significantly if I push this so I try to overlook it and minimise contact where it will be an issue. My mum however will give me cash gifts sometimes but also let's me pay for a takeaway or give her petrol money etc which I feel is a more adult relationship (I'm 43) and I am more comfortable with.

Rainydays14 · 09/04/2021 21:31

We are more the parents in this situation. We are in our 60s and were lucky enough to have parents who helped us out over the years. Nothing gives me more pleasure than helping my children out. We haven’t got a mortgage now, and have inherited some money so we have more cash about than we did for much of our marriage.

We have each of our children money at christmas to use on house improvements (they both have bought) and will do the same again this year. One of our children earns a lot more than the other, but we give them exactly the same to be fair.

MsAnnFrope · 09/04/2021 21:32

@SuperCaliFragalistic yes I can see that never letting you pay for things seems a bit weird and controlling. I like to be able to treat my mum and my in-laws to meals out etc. After all they have done for us it seems the least I can do.

ParadiseIsland · 09/04/2021 21:32

Both my parents and. PIL have given us money.
PIL often just because. Usually a small amount (but a big ish one for them iyswim)
Parents usually to pay for something - like the patio example.

Pretty normal I think

jellybe · 09/04/2021 21:36

My folks do. Not because we need it but because they like to share their good fortune and very much feel we'd get it one day (when they pass away) and as they both say they would rather see us enjoy it now as they can't take any of it with them.

They are really balanced with it - if we get something my siblings get something too.

Iseeyoulookingatme · 09/04/2021 21:38

My grandparents do as it's tax related and they also pass some to my parents who then also pass some onto me. My parents gave me a £1000 at Christmas to help towards my kitchen and I didn't even say we needed any help they just knew we were doing it. I've had about £20k over the last 8 years.
Dhs mum can't afford to help and dh dad lives abroad so we don't hear from him much.
I will also be passing on money to ds in the same way when he is older.

Supersimkin2 · 09/04/2021 21:40

Such a lovely thread.

MerryGoRoundBrain · 09/04/2021 21:43

My parents do it quite a lot. We're financially ok but they insist. Sometimes it's silly things like a Paypal transfer of £100 with a note "take my grandson to his favourite sushi restaurant", sometimes it's a lot more substantial. My parents also paid for all of our park tickets when we went to Florida 2 years ago. They're well off, they enjoy it, especially if it also means treating DS and I never ask, they offer. My mum also frequently buys clothes for me and DS which sounds ridiculous but she knows my taste so it works just fine.
OP, you should absolutely enjoy it, why not.

altlife · 09/04/2021 21:47

My parents do this. I'm 36.

My DF's parents do this. He's 61!

Their reasoning? They have it available, and they'd rather see us enjoy it now and have it when we need it, rather than have us wait for inheritance and pay the taxman.

DH and I feel guilty but soon get over it. We'd do exactly the same for DS.

If they are happy to do it, with no expectations / strings attached (that you're not willing to accept), let them and count your blessings x

JaceLancs · 09/04/2021 21:50

I don’t think it’s anything new - I’m 56 and remember my grandparents generosity to both their children and grandchildren - frequently saying it gave them great pleasure to see us enjoying their gifts in the here and now rather than leaving us money when they would be gone
My DF has now gone and DM may need her funds for care etc as she has Alzheimer’s but I help my adult DC where I can and enjoy doing so - just picking up the tab for a meal or buying them treats pleases me

AnnaSW1 · 09/04/2021 21:50

My parents are the same. We don't need it at all we are all high earners but they want to and it brings them joy to give to their children. It usually goes on holidays and we love them!

saraclara · 09/04/2021 21:51

I've become that parent.

I'm widowed and retired. My late husband and I saved very hard for our retirement, but he didn't get to see it. I have more than I need (two people's retirement savings for one person), which I only need to dip into for extras as the house is paid for and I have a decent pension.

Both our remaining parents have been in care homes for years, and every bit of their savings and the value of their houses is long gone.

My DD's are at the point where the extra money would make a big difference now, rather than later. Housing is expensive here, and they're in tiny houses and one of them has a baby and it's cramped in there. They and their partners work in worthy but not very well paid professions. It would break my heart for mine and my DH's savings never to help them, if the same happens to me as to my DM and DMIL.

So I'm helping them now. I will still have plenty for my needs, and if I go into care at any point there will still be the value of my house at the very least to save the taxpayer meeting my needs. A financial adviser has said that if I want to help them, I can afford to and I shoud do it now.
My girls always need reassuring that I can afford this, and never ever take me for granted. They are appreciative and use the help well.

Lumene · 09/04/2021 21:52

Probably trying to avoid inheritance tax.

ParadiseIsland · 09/04/2021 21:55

@Lumene

Probably trying to avoid inheritance tax.
Is that an issue? Esp as it’s not them who will pay lol
TheOneWithTheBigNose · 09/04/2021 21:57

Is that an issue?
Esp as it’s not them who will pay lol

My dad would rather give us money now tax free than us pay tax on it when he’s dead. Even if he’s not the one paying it. Just common sense, surely?

idontlikealdi · 09/04/2021 21:57

@ParadiseIsland yes. It's not paid on the estate so worth more to gift within the seen year time frame.

flowerycurtain · 09/04/2021 22:02

Normal.

My grandad still pays for my Mum when they go out for dinner. My mum pays for me.

I'll know I'm a real grown up one Day when there's no one left to buy me dinner!

Frokni · 09/04/2021 22:06

My DM helps us out by cooking a meal once a week (I am back at work for first time in years) and gives us a bit of spending money if we take DDs away on trip or holiday. She is on her own and doesn't have much money but, she also doesn't spend a lot and we are very close. I am her carer and do a lot for her when she is unwell (she has chronic illness which flares up a few times per year). She gets such a crazy amount of joy from it I have learned to just accept it graciously and thank her profusely.
If they want to treat you, let them. X

MintLampShade · 09/04/2021 22:09

I don't think it's unusual, OP. As long as it's given with good intentions, I see no harm in gratefully accepting it. My parents do this, even more so since we have had DS. I always tell them it's absolutely not necessary but DM gets cross and says if they weren't in the position, they wouldn't offer it. I know it's true and that is why I accept it. But she knows I get uneasy so she just randomly transfers money into my account now without even telling me. I hope I'll be able to do the same for my son.

AppleDolphin · 09/04/2021 22:18

They are truly some of the best people I’ve ever met.

That brought a tear to my eye O, you sound a lovely DIL, and after having such dysfunctional parents sit back and enjoy being spoilt. They obviously love doing it.

Inthemuckheap · 09/04/2021 22:27

Yes my parents give us and their grandchildren money to avoid inheritance tax although we don't need it as we all have good careers and earn well.

They also want to see us enjoy things they enable us to buy when they're alive as it give them pleasure.

I do the same for my DD and have made investments for my DGS who is still very young.

I realise we are lucky to be able to do so.

Grapewrath · 09/04/2021 22:32

My mum is wealthy. She often helps my db out but never offers me any help. Fwiw we work hard but really struggle to make ends meet.
I think it’s lovely that so many parents are financially supportive, I hope to be too if I’m ever lucky enough to be in that position

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 22:35

@AppleDolphin

I often mention them on here. They’re lovely and their excellent parenting has led to bringing up two fantastic sons.

They are kind and loving to our children and help us lots in practical ways.

MIL and I socialise together and enjoy each other’s company and PIL helps me renovate things.

MIL had a lovely relationship with her PILs and if I have CIL I hope I’m the same.

OP posts: