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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
chocpott · 10/04/2021 00:23

Yes! My PIL regularly give us and their grandchildren money. They have also set up some Trust Funds for the grandchildren, paid their school fees and given them money for everything at university. Mind you, they also offered to pay my husband to not marry me! Grin

noirchatsdeux · 10/04/2021 00:31

My lateMIL was very generous - paid for our wedding (20 years ago)...I deliberately kept it as small as possible, mainly because I have no family in the UK, but I got to choose where we had the reception but was happy to give her free rein with the invites. w She also encouraged us to invite whoever we wanted as well...it was a brilliant wedding and her friends still say it was probably the best one they've ever gone to!

After she died FIL started giving exH about £3K a year...sometimes he gives more...last year he found an account he didn't know about that had £25K in it - he gave the exH £10K of it...exH gave me £3K to pay off debts that would have taken me at least 5 years to pay back. My exH regularly helps me out financially (we are still technically married but have lived separately for 11 years). I'm glad he was bought up to be generous by his parents.

Current partner's parents are the exact opposite. Partner's mother is Scottish and seems to feel the need to live up to the stereotype. It's a pity because they are extremely well off and are going to get badly hit by the inheritance tax...

I've never had anything off my parents. My father felt once you were 18, that was it, you were on your own. He refused to pay for me to go to university, and this was back before student loans. He earned too much for me to get any grants. I didn't end up going to uni until I was 25.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2021 00:33

@DarkishBlue

I understand which is why I created this post.

I grew up on a council estate to a single mother on benefits in a multigenerational household.

We eventually moved into my mums ‘own’ council flat when she moved in her useless partner, had children she couldn’t afford and argued all the live long day.

If you’d told me at 13 that this would be my life I’d never have believed you - it felt hopeless.

I loved her very much but she created a terrible home life for us and then died suddenly leaving chaos.

I honestly struggle at times know what is normal.

OP posts:
NameChange74567 · 10/04/2021 01:48

My parents always give us money. In the last year they have easily given us £20k. Every time they hear we are saving up for something, within a week they offer to pay for it. They don't take no for an answer and refuse to take money off us if we attempt to pay them back. I have stopped telling them about my plans to save for/buy anything.

Anystarinthesky · 10/04/2021 01:57

My Dad gave my Sister and I £3,000 a year for the last three years of his life to share between us.

His accountant said it would be a good idea for tax reasons.

I really appreciated him doing that, I saved it all for a nest egg, it was great having that security.

checkingforballoons · 10/04/2021 07:13

This thread has made me insanely jealous. My parents didn’t even write a message in a card for us on our wedding day let alone contribute to it financially Grin
But yes, it is really really common for parents to help isn’t it. I only realised this a few years ago but when I did it suddenly became very clear why almost everyone we know is ‘ahead’ of us financially despite having similar (or smaller) salaries, living in the same area, etc.
PIL do give us cash at Christmas which is really kind. My remaining parent might go with some out of date chocolate if we’re lucky. But we’ve never had anyone buy us a pram, help with childcare, help with clubs for DS, that sort of thing.
I do now feel quite proud of how well we’ve managed without ‘the usual level’ of help. But absolutely enjoy it, I think it’s really lovely if you have people in your life that want to help you on your way Smile

Literallynoidea · 10/04/2021 07:25

Take the money! My parents give us money occasionally - eg for a new cat.

Wish my inlaws (who are richer) would too but they seem intent on spending it!

ivfbabymomma1 · 10/04/2021 07:33

My parents help me massively when I need it but they don't just hand out money for no reason. I wouldn't expect it ever but I do accept help very gratefully!!!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/04/2021 07:40

My parents didn’t have a lot and are now no longer with us. My in laws are very comfortable and get great pleasure from treating us and our DDs. DH is an only child and they say we might as well have some of it now. We are extremely grateful, there’s never any conditions attached.

somuchlaundrytowash · 10/04/2021 07:42

Take it if it's offered. Enjoy it.

Athinginitself · 10/04/2021 07:46

My parents aren't in a position to give me large sums of money but like to treat me at times eg I'm going on holiday with them in the summer and they are paying for the house we are staying in and like to pay for meals/takeaways when I see them. Am hugely appreciative of this, its very kind.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/04/2021 07:46

Speaking as a parent of adult dcs, I think most parents like to help their children - if they can. Many of us are all too aware of e.g. how much more expensive house prices are, than a few decades ago. And as pps have said, if you’re going to get the money at some point anyway, why not have at least some of it sooner rather than later.

Dh and I had no help, but then our parents couldn’t have afforded it, and we didn’t need it. We had no student loans to pay off and house prices were a lot more affordable when we were starting out. Personally I think that parents who could quite easily help, but choose not to, are very mean.

JemimaJoy · 10/04/2021 07:48

I'd take it and enjoy it too! I'd want to spend my spare cash on my children instead of saving all of it and having it all taken for my care when old. Save a bit, give a bit.

DarkishBlue · 10/04/2021 07:49

I understand which is why I created this post

I'm same as you then, council estate plus chaos. The nature of the chaos was different but still no tea party. Yes, I suppose if my in laws had ever started giving us large amounts of money I'd have wondered if it was entirely normal. And it appears it is!

yellowdenim · 10/04/2021 07:54

Nope. My dp can’t afford to but my dm is tight anyway. My pil can afford to but we don’t need it and they don’t offer. They are generous with the dc, buying them little gifts and giving pocket money.

I’d love to help and treat our dc often when they’re adults as long as they don’t expect it and can fund their own lifestyle.

Frogsandsheep · 10/04/2021 08:00

My parents do this and to a lesser extent so does my uncle. They can afford it and are very generous towards me and my children. I am very grateful and do not expect money or ask them for anything. Sometimes my parents contribute towards a specific thing, but we don’t always need the money and then it certainly has been useful towards holidays and trips out. I always ask whether I’m ok to spend it on X, Y or Z when the money is given randomly!

Not sure if it makes a difference but I see them a lot, and also ring them and write to them/ send them little gifts etc frequently, and we are very close. I’ve remained very close to them my entire adult life.

ScandiCrimeFan · 10/04/2021 08:04

It’s like reading about another world! I’ve never been offered or given any money by my parents. They are well off, retired, foreign holidays etc, but the idea that they would offer me money has never crossed my mind (or theirs obviously!). They live in a non-UK country which doesn’t have inheritance tax. MIL is a hoarder and spends any money she has (not much) on herself.

TroysMammy · 10/04/2021 08:05

Mine don't give large amounts just £10 here and there but my DM did give me £500 when a policy matured.. There is a difference between giving money as a gift to buy things to expecting to be bailed out because you've been reckless with your monthly wage e.g gambling or living beyond your means.

Frogsandsheep · 10/04/2021 08:07

Just to add, we were not rich growing up at all and I was not spoiled as a child (despite how my previous post may read!) and now my parents are much better off they give me more because they can, if that makes sense.

I am also very generous with my own teenagers but again they don’t ask for much and it’s more about experiences and helping them, rather than spoiling them with stuff!

RLRapunzel · 10/04/2021 08:08

Nope, the only thing my parents ever gave me were trauma and attachment issues Smile

I haven't read the rest of the thread because I know it will make me jealous haha

MangosteenSoda · 10/04/2021 08:09

My parents recently gave me a large sum which was totally unexpected. I was quite embarrassed to accept it, but they were insistent and I’m very grateful for their kindness.

But what has made the biggest difference is their practical help and support with my disabled DS. That’s been priceless and I know how lucky I am.

RLRapunzel · 10/04/2021 08:11

Oh no I read my reply back and I meant it as humorous but it just reads bitter! Blush

Enjoy it its really lovely that you have parents not only willing to but happy to help you

MangosteenSoda · 10/04/2021 08:13

Just to add, I’ve paid for family holidays with my parents a couple of times too, so it’s not a one way street. We like to do nice things for each other.

rhombuspocahontas · 10/04/2021 08:17

Yes. My parents give my brother and I money (normally £500/ 1K) here and there. They say it's better we use it rather than it sitting in their bank account until they've gone.

ForgedInFire · 10/04/2021 08:22

No, my MIL is deceased and we don't see much of FIL now. My parents are separated, my Dad leant us £50 once but I had to pay it back and my Mum doesn't give us money but occasionally buys clothes for the children which is helpful. Or she will offer to buy their winter coats or whatever. Generally if I need to borrow money off of her she doesn't ask for it back which is kind but that's small amounts. I'm sure if my mum had more money she would be generous with it.

OP I would accept the gifts. Better you enjoy it then you lose it in inheritance tax or care home fees one day.

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