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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
Ofallthethings · 09/04/2021 21:07

I voted YABU as I think that if they are simply being kind and generous you should just accept the money and enjoy. My parents very occasionally give me sth, like they bought my DC's double buggy. But they're not as generous as some of these examples given. They would lend us money if needed and expect it to be paid back. Which is fine, but I don't really want debt hanging over me so just wait until I've got the money generally. MIL is what you'd describe as asset rich but cash poor so isn't able to be all that generous.

But with my own DC's I think I will just pass money on to them if I come into money, house deposits, renovations, paying off student loans etc. I can't see the point of sitting on it when it could be used productively to make their lives better, and I wouldn't expect it back.

Roodicus21 · 09/04/2021 21:08

I think your in laws sound lovely and just want to help. Only issue i would have is if the gifts came with expectations/ control which you haven't eluded to.

My parents are generous. They will take us all (siblings and family) for meals and pay the bill without us knowing, despite us trying. They will also book holiday homes for us all every year. They also try and give us all (5 siblings) a few thousand every few years towards things (house improvements etc) . They are not loaded btw, but live comfortably enough and want to share it. They don't seem to want to spend it on themselves 🤷‍♀️

DenisetheMenace · 09/04/2021 21:09

We often help our kids out financially. It’s not expected, we like to if we can. We can’t take it with us.

RaeRaeMama · 09/04/2021 21:09

@SprungisSpringYaY

Rae..it doesn't have to be either or surely? It's hard to fake love?

I would always give dc money and hopefully be able to pay for odd things.. Eg meals out when older, treats.. Money at Xmas etc and I'd like to think t
I'd know they did or didn't spend time with me due to money 🤣. Dh and I would be considerably better off if we cosied up to in laws but can't stand to be around them at all.

I think a meal out or a nice Christmas present is a bit different to handing over thousands of pounds for no reason.
Summerzz123 · 09/04/2021 21:11

[quote SprungisSpringYaY]@78percentLindt

Can I ask why?

I mean with estates under a million that teeter on the thresholds I can see why reducing it may work but would it work for much larger estates?[/quote]
Inheritance tax usually starts at a much lower rate- 325 or 500, so many more fall into this category than you would think.

RaeRaeMama · 09/04/2021 21:11

[quote Popfan]@RaeRaeMama as I said I don't expect it. Did you not read that? I don't need it either in that we have our own home / car etc and work hard in full time jobs but my parents want to give us money, enjoy doing so and it doesnt affect them.
Accepting money from people who love you and won't be worse off by doing so is nothing to be embarrassed about. I cant think of anything nicer than treating your children, yes even grown men and women and I'll be doing the same for my son.[/quote]
Yes I read what you wrote.

I'm afraid I don't share your opinion. I don't think it's right.

Onwardintotheunknown · 09/04/2021 21:11

My Mum does this, but it’s usually in the form of a food shop.
I never ask, and as hugely grateful as I am, I really wish she’d just go and treat herself for once.

DD2 5 is horse mad, and my Mum has had horses all of her life, so imagine my surprise when this week she’s announced she’s got a savings pot for ‘when the right one comes along’.

I do wish she’d just go and spoil herself for once. ❤️

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 09/04/2021 21:13

I’m afraid I don't share your opinion. I don't think it's right

I mean, you’re welcome to tell my dad that you think it’s ‘not right’ that he chooses to use his money in this way. But he’d probably tell you to mind your own fucking business.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 09/04/2021 21:13

This thread makes me feel unloved, or rather, worthless (as surely parents who could, would?). Even though I rationally know that’s not true. Massively triggering.

RaeRaeMama · 09/04/2021 21:14

[quote MsAnnFrope]@RaeRaeMama gosh aren’t you a superior being.
People haven’t said they expect money or need help. The OP asked if this was common practice. It certainly appears that it isn’t unusual for parents to do this.[/quote]
Hey don't be a dick to me just because you think it's ok to take money from your parents. Crack on and you do you. I shared my opinion like everyone else, it just wasn't the same as yours.

HTH1 · 09/04/2021 21:15

Wow, I can’t even imagine my in-laws being so generous! Enjoy 😉

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 09/04/2021 21:17

DM is not rich but comfortable, and we haven't had a great time financially the last year or so due to covid. She's sent us a few cheques for between £100 - 1000 and been extra generous on birthdays and Christmas which we have really appreciated, and when we moved house she paid for our sofas. Nothing from DHs parents but I wouldn't expect it as they couldn't afford it. I do feel a touch weird about taking money from DM though and I wouldn't if we didn't need it right now. My sibling has no such qualms though!!

Highviolet1 · 09/04/2021 21:18

My mum is on a mission to give me my inheritance now when I actually need it with a young family and I am not ashamed to say I take it with a huge amount of gratitude. I know I will do the same for my children if I’m lucky enough to have money to give away.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 09/04/2021 21:18

Plus, my Dad has looked to me to pay the bill on more than one occasion. I wish I had no issue with it - after all, they fed me for years! - but to experience that ‘Dad’s Got It’ feeling would be nice.

RaeRaeMama · 09/04/2021 21:18

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

I’m afraid I don't share your opinion. I don't think it's right

I mean, you’re welcome to tell my dad that you think it’s ‘not right’ that he chooses to use his money in this way. But he’d probably tell you to mind your own fucking business.

Lol

It's a thread, I shared my opinion like everyone else, it wasn't the same as yours.

My parents offer money to me too, I choose not to take it because I feel it wouldn't be right.

Maybe you need to ask yourself why you're so defensive? I'm nobody to you, just a stranger on the net so wind your neck in.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 09/04/2021 21:19

My grandma often hands me cheques and says ‘I’d rather see you spend it now when I’m alive on fun stuff than you spend it when I’m dead on bills’.

DanielODonkey · 09/04/2021 21:19

No, neither my parents or PIL give us money regularly. My dad gave me £300 last August to pay for a new oven as the last one blew up a few days before my birthday. That's the first money that my parents have given me since my 18th birthday.

FIL gave us money 11 years ago to help with our deposit. Nothing since.

Which is fine. It's up to them. But both my parents and FIL have said I've the last few months how they have more money than they know what to do with and can't seem to spend what they have.

ThistledownAndCobweb · 09/04/2021 21:20

Yes - DHs mum did when she was alive and my mum does now.

My mum has just paid for us to have a conservatory - her argument is she enjoys seeing us enjoying ourselves.

For context We are in our 50s and between us earn a good salary.

I used to try and argue/resist when she wanted to pay for things until one of her friends took me to one side and said that it made her (mum) incredibly happy to be able to do this for us - now I accept graciously and make sure she gets to come around and see how much we appreciate what she has done for us

OverByYer · 09/04/2021 21:21

Crikey you lucky lot, I don’t get anything off parents or in laws, never occurred to me that they would.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 09/04/2021 21:21

Ahh, ‘wind your neck in’. Such an eloquent reply.
My dad chooses how to spend his money. That involves spending some on us. It makes him happy. It’s no one else’s business what he chooses to spend his money on. That’s not ‘defensive’.

Shieldingending · 09/04/2021 21:25

We are fortunate that both sets of parents are randomly generous to us and it's something we appreciate a lot. For example DH just bought a new car and his dad gave him £1000 towards that. My parents have just offered to pay for a new window we are having fitted, it's not that we can't afford it but what they say is us having that money means more to us than them.

Smartiepants79 · 09/04/2021 21:26

For gifts, yes.
When we were first married and not as financially secure as we are now then this is the kind of thing both sets of parents would have done- paying towards useful things like my car and new windows.
They don’t really do that any more as we can afford these things for ourselves if we want them.
I can foresee a point in time when the roles are reversed. Especially with my PILS as they don’t have great pensions.

tttigress · 09/04/2021 21:28

Unfortunately they will die at some point and you will get some of their money.

It is better they see you enjoying the money now.

Lbnc2021 · 09/04/2021 21:28

My dads always giving me money, it’s just the way he is with all his children and the grandchildren. He grew up with nothing, his parents spent any money they had on themselves and my dad had to go to school with boots too small and holes in them. I think this is just his way of ensuring we never feel the way he did, not that we ever have because he’s gave us everything. The funny thing is the more I earn the more he gives me. Out of all his children I am the one who has earned the least but the only one not to declare myself bankrupt at some point. I think in a round about way he is trying to reward me for being so careful with money.

Eatingsoupwithafork · 09/04/2021 21:28

Wow lots of people have generous parents who are in fortunate positions to help their children. I’ve fended for myself since I was 16, never given any help towards first house, car etc. I must admit I get annoyed when I see people taking advantage of their parents/PILs generosity when they can’t particularly afford it but if a parent can and offers then that’s up to them.

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