Do your parents / PIL give you money?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

My PILS do a bit yes. They're fairly well off and it's in the same form as yours...paying for things. We never ask...it's more "I saw DH looking at patio sets so I've been looking and there are some lovely ones in X shop...shall we go and I'll get you one?"

I always say no thank you...but she presses and presses. If I don't go with her she orders what she thinks is nice.

She's lovely and it makes her happy I think.

@sparkle17

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement

Both sets of our parents can afford to do both, they give us what they say is our inheritance up front and they buy/do lots of nice things/holidays without any need to think about the cost.

I will give mine the same as I get older.

So do all these parents not enjoy doing things for themselves or go on nice holidays. If it is passed on for inheritance tax planning then why can't they just pay for nice things for themselves in retirement

My dad goes on 3-4 holidays a year. Weekends away in between. Eats in nice restaurants. Spends a lot of money on his hobby. Has a season ticket to his local football team. He also has enough money to be able to give us fairly large amounts thanks to taking a very generous voluntary redundancy package aged 59, an extremely large pension plus multiple investments.

My PIL do this a lot, again for tax reasons. We never ask or hint and never expect. Before COVID we were encouraging them to travel more and spend on themselves. But if they choose to give it to us, we accept gratuitously.

My MIL generously gave us a lump sum towards some work we were doing on our house because it was just sitting in her savings account and it would go to my DP some day anyway and she wanted us to have it when we needed it. It was really lovely of her.

We are in the same boat op in that we are fairly comfortable but my mum is very generous. My dad died 18 months ago and anything he had in his name only (premium bonds, isas) are just sat there.

Mum has a reasonable pension in her own right, some of his and good savings plus a source of rental income and 2 properties so in her view she just doesn't need his cash. I am an only child by circumstance now and my kids are her only grandkids.

She has paid for our new double glazing and is paying for some building work. She keeps wanting to pay for a new bathroom for us as that is next in the list but I am saying no.

She doesn't impose at all - she helps me pick stuff because dh is dreadful and she's very practical but only when asked. This is unconditional and is her way of helping us and also managing the inheritance tax position. She sees this as family cash and she has a good quality of life and plenty to cover her own interests and expenses.

DH hates it. He loves her and appreciates what she's trying to do but until last year neither of us have taken money from our parents since we were 21. It's a fine balancing act for me to work out who I upset and I say no to my mum 2 out of 3 offers.

It's slightly easier if it's money from my dads 'pot' as dh doesn't think like we're taking money from my mum directly. His side aren't like that at all - they would help if we needed it and asked but we don't.

My father wouldn’t give me 20p a week pocket money as a teenager. So no, money was not forthcoming until he was very, very old and then he did give me around 10k which is sitting in premium bonds.

DH’s family completely different. They gift us £100 cash regularly. My husband thinks it’s completely normal. I think it’s totally bizarre.

It could be they want to spend their money while they can incase it gets swallowed up if they have to ever go into care. As long as they are happy to pay it and are financially ok themselves then I think it is ok for them to do it . They maybe enjoy seeing you both getting nice things and are glad they are able to help x

Everybody on here must have very wealthy parents

No I don’t receive any money from my parents and no they don’t pay for anything.

I get on very well with and see my parents regularly but it’s just not a “thing” to be given money.

They didn’t give us any money towards buying a house , saved it up ourselves.
They don’t pay for holidays or home improvements etc.

They do pop round with Easter eggs for the kids and obviously buy kids birthday and Christmas presents and I get £20 or £30 in a card for my birthday.

I can’t believe how wealthy some parents are to be able to pay for holidays or gift random £1000 at a time.

My parents do, even though I’m really low contact due to weird family drama.

It’s actually quite embarrassing: I have far far more money than them but they will absolutely insist on paying for things or sending me cash.

@RubyWooRed I get what you’re saying about everyone being really wealthy but I also think I our parents generation had it slightly easier than us in some respects. My parents are by no means millionaires but they were in their forever home (beautiful 4 bed) and mortgage free by the time I was 18. They both have decent pensions because for their generation final salary was a thing for so many people, definitely won’t be for us. They made some relatively modest investments early in life and had a very good growth on them. I won’t have a final salary pension. I won’t be mortgage free for another 20 years. I have no hidden stocks/shares kind of investments. So even though I see myself as financially ok, I’m nowhere near where they were at my age. What they give us, makes them happy and of course is a lovely gesture.

@RLRapunzel

I absolutely read it as humorous.

If you read my previous post you’ll see my parents didn’t do a stellar job either - I feel like I live in the twilight zone on occasion.

Oh that's a relief 😅

I reread your first post and your previous posts and realised I completely misread the OP in the first place! I blame the fact I've lost at least 50% of my brain function since birthing children

@RubyWooRed

Both my PIL had jobs with excellent final salary pensions and owing to other various circumstances paid off their mortgage entirely in their 40s but worked to 60 so were able to save and invest very wisely. They aren’t extravagant people either - my MIL jokes I ruined her for makeup as up until she met me she’d never paid more than a fiver for lipstick but I took her to the makeup counters and that was that. I get a Clinique lipstick every Christmas as a little in joke.

I think this means they aren’t worried so much about care home fees as if they have to sell their house to fund it or downsize it would be ok as their house is quite big and they live in a very desirable part of SW London.

Neither DH or his brother are thinking about inheritance etc.

His parents are extremely active and fit in their 70s (8 mile walks, swimming etc) and we expect to have them around for many many more years rather than contemplate inheritances.

@RLRapunzel

I know THAT feeling - I forgot to put a nappy on the toddler last night I was so distracted 😴

DH's parents do. His dad is very generous, always has been. How they treat money has been a lesson to me as my parents were always incredibly tight even though they are very cash-rich wealthy they live like paupers. I now copy how the lovely in-laws behave and like to give money to DC when I can and hope to continue to do so.

If it gives them pleasure and is no strings attached, be glad. Put aside the money you had intended for doors and patios into a fund for your own DC. It gets expensive when they go to college/get married/need a deposit on a house. You'll be so glad of the extra money then, however good your salaries are.

I reckon it's probably a bit because they feel bad that you don't have offends any more so maybe do more than they normally would
. It's sweet really

Yes my mum gives me money a lot. I'm not particularly well off and Covid has made that worse. She pretty much props up my lifestyle. I think more for DD than for me and that why I accept it.

I know my grandparents did the same to be honest.

I hope I can do the same for my DD

My parents are still working in their mid 60’s

No final salary pensions for them.

They only paid off their mortgages within last 4 years.

Perhaps our family is poorer than I thought.

I don’t know any friends that are propped up by parents either.
The odd person who received large cash gift when they got married but that was a wedding gift.

It’s just quite alien to me.

Daniel o donkey how peculiar! Why announce they have more than they know what to do with??

How galling if your struggling too. Money is a mere conduit.. People have funny ideas about it..

My Mum sends gestures in the post for kids. Books, clothes, puzzles and letters. It’s really thoughtful. My MIL prefers receiving gifts, cash, holidays and house items. Not once has she offered to take us for a pizza. 😂

Can I swap in-laws please?

No, they dont have it. But I know if my DM had money she would give it to us without hesitation, she loves to treat me and my siblings and our kids but does it in much smaller ways.

@SprungisSpringYaY

Daniel o donkey how peculiar! Why announce they have more than they know what to do with??

How galling if your struggling too. Money is a mere conduit.. People have funny ideas about it..

I really don't know. I think my parents were trying to be light hearted? They make empty gestures - offered 2 yrs ago to buy us a new fence as an anniversary present (we had mentioned once that we were going to replace, did not ask for money). We thanked them for the offer then held off buying for a year on this basis and when no offer was made again we went ahead and bought the materials and did it ourselves. They made no mention of their offer again. Which is fine, but why make the offer? I don't expect anything from them but if they have too much money then i don't know what to make of them

FIL wouldn't offer. He is comfortable. He just makes comments like he has too much money and then tells DH he shouldn't be driving such an old car and that DH just needs to get a bigger loan. Again, we aren't looking for a hand out but it rankles to hear someone say they have too much cash and then tell us to take on more debt because they think we need to replace a car we are happy with and don't what to replace!

Folk are weird. I'd rather my parents and FIL spent their money on expensive and useless hobbies than complain about having too much money.

I’ve already posted about giving to my DC on this thread. It occurred to me later that actually I’m also supporting my DM. My parents were far from poor but were disastrous at financial planning. My Dad died taking his pension and attendance allowance with him which has left my DM almost destitute since she never had a pension (despite working in public sector for many years) and a very incomplete NI history so a low pension.

She then took equity from her house which is a good idea on paper but left her too ‘wealthy’ for pension credits. Unfortunately she doesn’t see that money as for everyday spending so has too little to live on. My DB and I top her up by several hundred a month.

I will be absolutely honest and say I do resent that a bit. They inherited 3 times and spent it on lovely holidays but failed to see that in the future it would all be gone.

So I’m absolutely not giving away all I have. I want to be able to choose my own care home!

My partners parents use money and monetary gifts as control to gain attention from him and his sister! They just gave his sister 47 a new car, pay for her daughters activities and for them to go on holiday. We got told as soon as we had a baby that we were getting nothing.
Fortunately we are comfortable and don’t need anything, but it does upset my partner. I would rather get nothing and not have to listen to them moan