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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to go to a family meet up

134 replies

Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 19:57

So situation- my cousin’s wife has just died he is distraught as they have been together since both 14, in late 50s now. He has asked to meet up to do a bit of a family remembrance, me, my husband, my sister, her husband and my brother and wife. He will also be bringing his two grown up children, neither live with him. I don’t feel I can say no without causing a huge family rift but feel sick at the thought of it. Everyone bar me will have been vaccinated but I’m so stressed about it - what would you do, would you go?

OP posts:
tttigress · 09/04/2021 08:12

I think the media constantly going on about Covid is causing a lot of problems in families, and causing people mental damage.

Of course you must go.

Bubbletiers · 09/04/2021 08:15

Ask yourself?

  • are you planning to go to the hairdressers
  • are you going into supermarkets and shops
  • are you planning to see people anytime soon
If the answer is yes to any of those- what’s the difference?

Definitely go. You’re being unreasonable but perhaps you’ve been so safe during Covid you’re unable to relax yet (plenty feeling this way). Your risk of Covid is so so low.

If worried then wear a mask or refrain from hugging (but perhaps say this ahead of time).

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/04/2021 08:16

@tttigress

Jesus, she doesn't need to have people in her house if she's not comfortable with it. "You must go". She must do what is right for her, no one else.

stackemhigh · 09/04/2021 08:21

@DelBocaVista yes I have needed and given support, but I wouldn't go behind my cousin's back and ask her husband if they can host, knowing very well that OP would be the one doing the work, and I sure as hell wouldn't laugh at someone's concerns about COVID.

timetochangeagainforever · 09/04/2021 08:23

Absolutely would go

ekidmxcl · 09/04/2021 08:24

He’s been to see 100 friends and family. He doesn’t need to see the OP as well. She’s 49 with health conditions and has missed the vaccine cutoffs by the slimmest of margins. Tbh I think vaccinated people can be a bit selfish regarding the non vaccinated. I’d say no. Just remember the OP is not close to the cousin and he’s recently met 100 people.

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 09/04/2021 08:27

Bit of a dripfeed, OP, but given your updates YANBU.

It'll make you unpopular, but I'd say it's outside or not at all because you refuse to break the law, whether you agree with it or not. Put your foot down. And get your DH to deliver the message as he's the one who accepted the request without consulting you.

DelBocaVista · 09/04/2021 08:29

[quote stackemhigh]@DelBocaVista yes I have needed and given support, but I wouldn't go behind my cousin's back and ask her husband if they can host, knowing very well that OP would be the one doing the work, and I sure as hell wouldn't laugh at someone's concerns about COVID.[/quote]
And have I says that's okay? No.

Brefugee · 09/04/2021 08:29

I don't think it sounds that bad.
How about asking to change the venue? or that everyone does a lateral flow test first?

I'd be supporting my cousin.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2021 08:30

I think this is a mental health problem. Checking for vaccine updates two or three times a day is not healthy ans shows extreme anxiety. Have you spoken to your gp?

Is there anyone you get on well with who you could explain you’re not well at the moment ans struggling?

stackemhigh · 09/04/2021 08:42

@DelBocaVista yes I but you did guilt trip the OP by saying ‘I'd support a grieving relative in a heartbeat.’

Why not look at OP’s circumstances first?

DelBocaVista · 09/04/2021 08:47

[quote stackemhigh]@DelBocaVista yes I but you did guilt trip the OP by saying ‘I'd support a grieving relative in a heartbeat.’

Why not look at OP’s circumstances first?[/quote]
Well I would. That's not guilt tripping. I'm also not the only one who said that so why just pick up on my posts?

Original poster
Sadnangry · 09/04/2021 08:47

@Bubbletiers

The answer to all your questions is no, not for more than 12 months. I have met my friend twice outside for a socially distanced walk and my sister for a walk once but other than that no I haven’t, I have turned down invites from others as I know once the drinks start people (including me too) will be less aware of the need to socially distance and I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I risked mine or my families life for a bit of a night out (in).

My husband didn’t mean any harm, neither did my cousin as he phoned my phone, which my husband picked up and didn’t feel he could say no, he also messaged around the family to confirm with them whilst I was on the treadmill unaware of what was going on. We have a standing rule that if one of us agrees to something we both do ( pre pandemic) which has never caused issues so I totally get why he didn’t come to check with me.

They are coming at ten am today so not much time to rearrange now 😢😩.

The hosting at mine not a problem- in normal circs but I don’t like breaking rules, that in itself stresses me out.
The short notice - not a problem I’ve had people turn up and h e routinely catered for numerous people at a moments notice.
The being indoors and around 10/11 people in a pandemic is the real issue for me- this is the thing that has given me < four hours sleep and will do for the next week or so as I watch for symptoms 😩.

I’m half hoping he cancels today as he changes his mind, which I know is a really crappy thing to think as it would only be because he’s having a bad day, so that then adds to my guilt of being a shitty cousin 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnangry · 09/04/2021 08:53

@Bluntness100

It definitely has triggered anxiety but I know once the pandemic dies down that will too and so don’t want to bother my gp during such a busy time.

Generally I’m lucky enough to be able to take myself out of mixing with others we both work from home, get shopping delivered our only current risk factor is my son at school, which does stress me out but I get the importance of him being there.

OP posts:
Nith · 09/04/2021 08:55

I don't understand why you didn't say before that you would rather put this off until after you have been vaccinated.

As it's so imminent, I think your only option is to throw a sickie.

ChocOrange1 · 09/04/2021 08:55

@Remmy123

It's not illegal and anyway it's an exceptional circumstance - not everyone dies with covid despite for the media tell you !!
Well it is illegal if indoors.
GoToSleepBabyPlease · 09/04/2021 08:57

Nothing else for it OP, you'll have to develop a cough.

Original poster
Sadnangry · 09/04/2021 08:58

@Nith it was only arranged yesterday tea time...

OP posts:
GoToSleepBabyPlease · 09/04/2021 09:00

@GoToSleepBabyPlease

Nothing else for it OP, you'll have to develop a cough.
Actually, I take it back, they'd probably say it's fine because they've been vaccinated. You'd be better off with something gastrointestinal.
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/04/2021 09:01

@Sadnangry

Right, windows wide open and make them sanitise as they come through the door and throughout the day.

-Sorry, it's cold but I've not been vaccinated and I'm quite scared to catch it so the windows will remain open. Stick your coats on.
-Please don't touch things unnecessarily for the same reason and sanitise regularly, unlike you I haven't been vaccinated.
-Sorry, I can't hug you, I haven't been vaccinated.
-Please only stay in sitting room and go to the bathroom. Sanitise before and after, just in case.

And then your husband can scrub the parts of the house they've been in.

This is what I would do if I felt I couldn't cancel. But honestly OP, you bloody can call them now and say no!

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 09/04/2021 09:02

We have a standing rule that if one of us agrees to something we both do ( pre pandemic) which has never caused issues so I totally get why he didn’t come to check with me.

You must both be very organised to know without a doubt and immediately that the other doesn't have anything on that could cause a conflict when making plans.

WildfirePonie · 09/04/2021 09:09

YANBU.

Do not be guilted into anything otherwise you'll end up resentful.

Look out for yourself because no one else will.

And they want to use your house?!

Hard no from me.

WildfirePonie · 09/04/2021 09:15

Oh, it's today! ... Fk that shit. I'd cancel the lot of them and not answer the door. Or be out and let DH manage them all. Gosh OP, I really feel for you!

If all else fails... just start coughing all over them.

Nith · 09/04/2021 09:22

[quote Sadnangry]@Nith it was only arranged yesterday tea time...[/quote]
If it was arranged at short notice, it can be unwarranted at short notice.

Figgygal · 09/04/2021 09:22

I think that’s quite an imposition actually to say that they’re coming to your house with such short notice.
I wouldn’t be happy either op but I understand why you feel you have to do it personally I would say wear a mask maintain social distancing And keep it short as possible.

In fact I’d be pretty pissed off that they just assumed it would be fine to use your house in that way considering the current rules.

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