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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to go to a family meet up

134 replies

Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 19:57

So situation- my cousin’s wife has just died he is distraught as they have been together since both 14, in late 50s now. He has asked to meet up to do a bit of a family remembrance, me, my husband, my sister, her husband and my brother and wife. He will also be bringing his two grown up children, neither live with him. I don’t feel I can say no without causing a huge family rift but feel sick at the thought of it. Everyone bar me will have been vaccinated but I’m so stressed about it - what would you do, would you go?

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 09/04/2021 06:53

If you’re 49 you should be eligible for the jab. Get in touch with your local surgery. You probably should have had a letter by now.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2021 06:55

I’d not hesitate either. The risk to you is beyond tiny, cases are so low and they are all vaccinated.

Do you suffer from anxiety? I can’t imagine reacting as you are unless there were mental health issues at play.

drpet49 · 09/04/2021 07:01

* I would go in a heartbeat to support a family member at such a terrible time.*

^This. You are just using COVID as an excuse.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/04/2021 07:08

[quote Sadnangry]@Stellaris22

I seem to be the only person who has an issue with it all, I’ve mentioned it to my brothers, sisters etc who are all laughing at me and telling me to stop being ridiculous. I have been so cautious for the last year shopping delivered every week, wiping it down etc this is so out of my comfort zone I don’t know where to start.[/quote]
You don't need to do this OP. It's hard to say no under the circumstances but they have no right to put you at risk like this.
I would say you would be fine to meet outside and keeping 2 m away but you will not under any circumstances have people in your home until you are vaccinated and if they can't understand and respect that then so be it.

In your shoes I wouldn't actually give much of a crap if it causes a rift. I would rather, you know, live.

Oneeyeopen · 09/04/2021 07:13

I wouldn't do it. Not if your cousin has been mixing with many other people already.
Tell the family its not allowed and you're not breaking the rules. Invent a nosy neighbour who reports people if you have to.
I would sooner cause a rift than risk my health or fines.

ViviPru · 09/04/2021 07:14

This is going to be one of those annoying threads that rumbles on and on with people telling the OP shes BU without RTFT isn’t it

MoiraNotRuby · 09/04/2021 07:16

I'd set everything up outside, chairs, blankets, hot water bottles, maybe a fire pit - and agree with the previous poster that you can blame this on a nosy neighbour who has been calling the police on people. I'm sorry for your loss.

Mamimawr · 09/04/2021 07:19

I'm so sorry you have been put in this situation by your family OP. No one should be inviting themselves to your house and insisting you have them inside risking a fine.

In your situation I would either come down with covid symptoms and cancel (or invite them to the garden only) or blame a nosy neighbour. You could easily tell your family that a neighbour is keeping an eye on everyone and phoning the police if people are meeting inside.

turnthebiglightoff · 09/04/2021 07:20

If this happened in May when it's legal to meet indoors would you feel differently?

Writerandreader · 09/04/2021 07:23

I'm v relaxed about covid myself but I can completely understand thst this is outside your comfort zone.

Tell them you aren't prepared to break the rules and you will either meet them in a park or you will see them once it's legal.

This isn't worth you feeling anxious and stressed about

Zakana · 09/04/2021 07:27

For many years, I used to get railroaded into gatherings with extended family which I knew I didn’t want to go to, I would spend sometimes weeks getting more and more stressed and miserable, as the impending doom of the gathering descended ever closer.....all because I couldn’t just say no. Once I had my own kids, I pulled my big girl pants up and since then, just say no politely if I know I don’t want to do it....if you knew my extended family, you’d understand. People usually look askance at me when they get a no thanks from me but hey ho. No more stressing, wish I had done it years before.

DelBocaVista · 09/04/2021 07:28

I wouldn't even hesitate. In fact I'd have offered to host...whatever makes their lives easier at the moment.

Zakana · 09/04/2021 07:30

Should also mention, my DP then starts blathering on apologising for me and my perceived rudeness, I always say to him that he is welcome to spend time with his family, just don’t speak for him, I would rather gouge out my own eyes with a rusty spoon. And it’s not rudeness, it’s assertiveness, I like to think!

millenialblush · 09/04/2021 07:31

It's so sad that this is what we have come to, scared of seeing your own family. The risk of catching covid (especially from the vaccinated) is very very low. We need to learn to live our lives freely, not in fear.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/04/2021 07:33

@DelBocaVista

Yeah, it doesn't much matter if OP gets very ill with long covid or even dies leaving her husband in the same situation.

DelBocaVista · 09/04/2021 07:37

[quote JesusIsAnyNameFree]@DelBocaVista

Yeah, it doesn't much matter if OP gets very ill with long covid or even dies leaving her husband in the same situation.[/quote]
The chances of this happening are very, very small.

I'd support a grieving relative in a heartbeat.

Temp023 · 09/04/2021 07:41

You are effectively ruining your life over what is over whelmingly likely to be a minor disease OP.
However I wouldn’t bully my sisters out if they had your mindset, what would be the point?

orangegina · 09/04/2021 07:54

So cousins been meeting up with hundreds of people?

Wow, that is an impressive effort! He must be exhausted

ifonly4 · 09/04/2021 07:56

OP, I personally understand exactly how you feel and where you're coming from. I live in an area where everyone is very careful and all my friends follow the guidelines and from what I gather will continue to live well within them for the time being, ie meet ups outside.

My Mum has an important birthday coming up, but I've suggested leaving it until it's warmer and four families can hopefully meet up outside at a pub. My Auntie said yesterday, we haven't seen your new house perhaps you can host, or we could all go there to celebrate and see her new kitten. I don't even have to ask my Mum or DH, I know they won't want to do it either, so I think we'll have to be honest and say we're not comfortable, which is what you should do. Explain you haven't been vaccinated, don't feel comfortable. A compromise would be a meet up in a garden keeping distance.

stackemhigh · 09/04/2021 07:57

@DelBocaVista well aren’t you an angel and so kind 🙄

OP, ignore the martyrs.

Original poster
Sadnangry · 09/04/2021 07:59

@ViviPru
I think it’s expected at mine as I usually host everything - and love it (pre COVID) I normally throw parties in mine for 70 plus people at New Years, summer, Christmas, Halloween etc and usually end up with people sleeping over. I love entertaining usually but during the pandemic, even through last summer, didn’t -my mum died when I was a teenager of pneumonia so that may have something to do with it but I’m naturally a cautious person anyway.

Our parties and dinner parties have never been a problem with the neighbours as they are usually in the party too plus we are respectful of others- just in case anyone says anything about noise etc.

The other issue I have is I’m a bit of a people pleaser and if I say I will do something I always follow through. My cousin spoke to my husband who said yes no problem at all to him when he said he’d rather come through to ours and have everyone meet here (which was normal practice pre COVID). I don’t have a garden big enough to accommodate everyone, it’s a big old Victorian house but with a tiny yard.

I’m not eligible for the vaccine yet as under 50, although I check 2-3 times a day for updates and will be going for it as soon as I can.

Sorry to those who are saying it’s a bit piecemeal I thought I’d mentioned it was indoors during the Op but then realised I hadn’t after posting. In normal circs I would have no issues at all with it being in mine, albeit being agreed without me as we are used to always having people over, so much so we’ve had people who have split up with wives/husbands turn up and stay for months (both hubby and I are softies).

I know I’m over cautious and I am an anxious person but...this is really stressing me out. Although I like the suggestion of ‘calling in sick’ I don’t want to tempt fate and also lie.. so feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 09/04/2021 08:03

OP, it’s really disrespectful that your cousin asked your DH, not you, and your DH accepted on your behalf.

You’re the one who does all the work, they are all blatantly taking advantage of you.

See this thread about other people who host all the time and are fed up of it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4212646-Never-invited-back?msgid=106332049#106332049

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/04/2021 08:04

I thought you were unreasonable at first because you didn't mention how they wanted to meet. You do sound a bit overly cautious, given your lack of serious risk factors, but it's definitely not unreasonable to want to avoid breaking the law.

I don't think you should let your siblings pressure you into providing the venue. Did they really laugh at your concerns? Because to me, that would be really unacceptable. You can support your cousin without simply acquiescing to this suggestion.

Do you have outdoor space? Could you all chip in to get a garden heater and a pop up gazebo or something? If you're comfortable meeting them outside but providing a way to make that more comfortable, that might meet everyone's needs. But if your siblings are laughing at you, I'm not sure there's really a way forward with them and you may be better off approaching your cousin separately.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/04/2021 08:08

Cross posted with your update. I would ignore your siblings and get back in touch with your cousin to say you're really sorry and you've love to see them outside 1:1, but you can't have them round indoors just yet and you're sorry your DH didn't know realise it would be illegal.

There is never just one way to support someone who is grieving. You don't have to jump through their hoops. You can still have your own boundaries.

DelBocaVista · 09/04/2021 08:10

[quote stackemhigh]@DelBocaVista well aren’t you an angel and so kind 🙄

OP, ignore the martyrs.[/quote]
Have you ever needed family support in this way? I have and I was thankful for it. It's what got me through the first few months.

And why are you just picking on my post? I'm not the only one who has posted with this opinion. The Op asked what other people would do and I've offered up my opinion.

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