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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to go to a family meet up

134 replies

Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 19:57

So situation- my cousin’s wife has just died he is distraught as they have been together since both 14, in late 50s now. He has asked to meet up to do a bit of a family remembrance, me, my husband, my sister, her husband and my brother and wife. He will also be bringing his two grown up children, neither live with him. I don’t feel I can say no without causing a huge family rift but feel sick at the thought of it. Everyone bar me will have been vaccinated but I’m so stressed about it - what would you do, would you go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 21:05

@DontBeRidiculous
I’m not massively close (not brother/sister close) they have done the rounds around all the family (prob a hundred plus people in the last week) and now want to catch up with me.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 08/04/2021 21:05

Maybe suggest somewhere else if it bothers you that much. If I were in your position I'd try to make an effort.
You're clearly unhappy about it so why has it been decided that it's to be at your house? Suggest another house.
I get what your saying and it's currently illegal for so many to meet up at an address ... talk to someone.

TheMayQueen · 08/04/2021 21:05

Why at your house?

Original poster
Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 21:07

They won’t meet inside as it’s cold and want to meet at mine because it’s got a fairly big room. Given the pain he’s going through at the moment I don’t feel I can dictate but feel so stressed

OP posts:
DontBeRidiculous · 08/04/2021 21:09

Ah, in that case, they've had plenty of family support already. Not that it makes the situation any less difficult for them, but it's not as though you're the last handful of family they have to grieve with.

In that case, I'd probably try to suggest meeting outdoors or at least invent a reason it can't be at your house. They can be offended if they like, but it's presumptuous to assume that you're happy to host people right now, under the circumstances.

DontBeRidiculous · 08/04/2021 21:10

Cross-posted...

Well, in that case, I'm not sure what I'd do.

Lemmeout · 08/04/2021 21:12

Just go with it. Poor sod. He’s trying to gather the people that matter and you are thinking, nah. Too risky. We’ve got to get on with our lives.

MysteriousAffairAtStyles · 08/04/2021 21:13

So you’re not close, he’s ‘done the rounds’ of 100 people in a week, it’s an enforced indoor gathering at your house that you’ll have to host, and you have underlying health conditions (that don’t qualify you for a vaccine) - and none of this was deemed pertinent information that might have been mentioned in the opening post?

AcornAutumn · 08/04/2021 21:13

I think it's reasonable to say you don't want it at your place

his neighbours presumably know he has been bereaved, your neighbours won't know it's a memorial and might report it to the police.

Under any circumstances, I think you have the right to say no to someone using your house.

EasterEggBelly · 08/04/2021 21:16

I’d do it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable and I wouldn’t want to but I would do it.

Stellaris22 · 08/04/2021 21:17

It's a sad time, but asking to meet indoors, at your house, when you haven't had a vaccine yet is a really unfair request. And having been out meeting with lots of other people makes it even more unsafe.

I would offer your condolences but politely explain the valid reasons why they can't come round to your house.

Mum2jenny · 08/04/2021 21:18

In your circumstances OP, not a cat in hells chance they’d be in my house; garden ok if 6 or less people in total.

Original poster
Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 21:19

@EasterEggBelly

That’s exactly where I am on this rn

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 21:22

@Stellaris22

I seem to be the only person who has an issue with it all, I’ve mentioned it to my brothers, sisters etc who are all laughing at me and telling me to stop being ridiculous. I have been so cautious for the last year shopping delivered every week, wiping it down etc this is so out of my comfort zone I don’t know where to start.

OP posts:
ContentsMayBeHot · 08/04/2021 21:29

Yeah I wouldn't tbh.

Them being vaccinated doesnt prevent them from transmitting covid, and if they've mingled with 100 or so people over the past week, that would be outside of my risk tolerance threshold.

1Morewineplease · 08/04/2021 21:34

@Sadnangry

They won’t meet inside as it’s cold and want to meet at mine because it’s got a fairly big room. Given the pain he’s going through at the moment I don’t feel I can dictate but feel so stressed
So they won't meet inside because it's cold ??? Doesn't make sense.

But you have the biggest room? So they'll all meet there?

It's illegal for so many people to meet up and be in one room too.

I'd be saying no.

memberofthewedding · 08/04/2021 21:36

Tell them you have the symptoms of covid a few days before and they will soon find another venue.

Candlesinthewind · 08/04/2021 21:40

You poor thing. It’s so tedious to be the only rule follower in the village.
I think you should develop a cough in the 24 hours before hand. Then your conscience will only allow you to meet up outside just in case you have the virus.
Go large on everything you can to make meeting up OUTSIDE comfortable. Blankets and spirits 😃
Externally - apologise that you might have COVID
Internally - be proud, be justified that you are following the rules.
Good luck!

MimiSunshine · 08/04/2021 21:41

It’s absolutely fine to say that you aren’t comfortable hosting everyone at your house and so another location will have to be used.

Grieving or not that is a bloody cheeky request / assumption that you’re fine with it

Milkshake7489 · 08/04/2021 21:44

I don't think I could bring myself to refuse to meet up under those circumstances OP.

If you really don't feel comfortable, could you say you have symptoms and need to isolate (wouldn't usually suggest lying but your cousin is likely to be very hurt not to have family support right now... in this situation it feels kinder to lie).

Mascaramademehappy · 08/04/2021 21:45

You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

Joolsin · 08/04/2021 21:46

I agree with you, OP. Bereavement or no bereavement, everyone is out of order trying to force this on you in your own home, for all the reasons you've listed. I also agree with those posters saying you should say you've a cough and have to self isolate. I'll bet they'll claim that's not a problem since they've been vaccinated, but you need to feel too ill to host then.

Milkshake7489 · 08/04/2021 21:46

Sorry, I missed that they want to meet at your house. In that case, could you suggest a local park instead or set your garden up with blankets etc and insist on staying outdoors?

Quaagars · 08/04/2021 21:48

I can understand you might be anxious about going (suffer from anxiety myself) and know what it can feel like.
In this situation, I know it might be hard, but I'd want to go.
If you make sure you're social distancing, and wear a mask, the risks are low.
Is it outdoors? Maybe be out in the garden.

londongirl12 · 08/04/2021 21:49

Of its after Monday 12th, you can have 15 people to a wake. The rules doesn't specific that I could see without looking deeper where that wake is allowed to be. Restaurants aren't open so I'm assuming inside is ok at a house?

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