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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t want to go to a family meet up

134 replies

Sadnangry · 08/04/2021 19:57

So situation- my cousin’s wife has just died he is distraught as they have been together since both 14, in late 50s now. He has asked to meet up to do a bit of a family remembrance, me, my husband, my sister, her husband and my brother and wife. He will also be bringing his two grown up children, neither live with him. I don’t feel I can say no without causing a huge family rift but feel sick at the thought of it. Everyone bar me will have been vaccinated but I’m so stressed about it - what would you do, would you go?

OP posts:

Quaagars · 08/04/2021 21:51

Just to confirm they want to meet indoors in my house,

Sorry, didn't see your update - for this alone you're not being unreasonable.
If you don't feel comfortable having people round, that's entirely fine - especially as it is currently illegal to be meeting up indoors!
If he wants to do that at his, that's up to him - why can't it be a meeting up outdoors? Too cold indeed

orangegina · 08/04/2021 21:52

Just do it. Get your big girl pants on and be there for your cousin who is suffering terrible bereavement.

The fear you have is totally irrational. Get a grip

Singlenotsingle · 08/04/2021 21:53

Oh don't be so silly! Why does it have to be at your house though? You could say they are all welcome to meet in your garden? Or do it next week when you can go to a pub or restaurant and sit outside?

waitingpatientlyforspring · 08/04/2021 21:54

@Sadnangry

That it’s illegal and I could end up with a fine or even worse in hospital

I wouldn't be doing anything against the rules personally so understand how you feel. You can meet your cousin and 4 other people outside to honour his wife.

He doesn't get to tell you how to use your own home. If he wants to break the rules he can do so in his own home.

saraclara · 08/04/2021 22:03

He doesn't get to tell you how to use your own home

Exactly. And if the others think you're being silly, then they can offer their own homes. And you won't be going as you're not vaccinated.

Morechocmorechoc · 08/04/2021 22:04

Think people are being harsh, you feel how you feel. If you aren't comfortable say you are happy to host outside but nobody enters. Be strong and don't be bullied by people calling you silly. How rude of them.

I wouldn't do it

MintLampShade · 08/04/2021 22:07

This may not be a popular opinion but I get you OP. I'd meet them, heck, I'd even welcome them but only outdoors. Do you have a garden? If they don't like the idea of that, they can come up with an alternative arrangement within the current guideline and rules. It is a horribly sad time for your cousin, but I'd not be comfortable breaking the rules either

Hiphopopotamus · 08/04/2021 22:08

You wiping down your shopping is a clear indicator that you’ve got the risk of Covid way out of proportion.

greenlynx · 08/04/2021 22:10

I would be very uncomfortable with this and would refuse. Vaccination means you will have COVID in mild form, so less obvious, but still can pass it to other people. Family gathering in this situation won’t be quick, will involve food/ tea, direct contacts. Your cousin had contacts with a lot of people recently. You need to think about yourself.
Also there is still risk of fine and for some people it might affect their jobs. I don’t know if it applies to you. I wouldn’t meet at the garden, I would meet elsewhere.

saraclara · 08/04/2021 22:14

@Hiphopopotamus

You wiping down your shopping is a clear indicator that you’ve got the risk of Covid way out of proportion.

I tend to agree. But I wouldn't have all those people (a couple of which have been meeting lots of other people, also presumably indoors if he thinks it's too cold to be outside) in my house for a get together either. And I think I'm pretty balanced about Covid.

Stellaris22 · 08/04/2021 22:17

The fact they've been meeting up with hundreds of people and then wanting to be inside is completely unreasonable though.

saraclara · 08/04/2021 22:17

Vaccination means you will have COVID in mild form, so less obvious, but still can pass it to other people

No it doesn't @greenlynx. It means that she is 80-95% less likely to catch it at all after one jab. And if she's one of the unlucky 5-20% she'll get it mildly.

So it means she might be unlucky and get it. Not that she will

Andi2020 · 08/04/2021 22:17

Say you will meet but at someone else's house.

AliceMcK · 08/04/2021 22:18

@memberofthewedding

Tell them you have the symptoms of covid a few days before and they will soon find another venue.

2nd this.

If your worried I would do this.

I know it’s scary, im clinically vulnerable had covid before the vaccine roll out. I have immune problems, take immune suppressants, have a history of heart problems. It felt no more than a mild flu for me which was really shocking as when I get sick I get really badly sick normally. I know not everyone is the same, but I do think that people are feeling scared of the worst case scenario. I know people will flame me for this, but we do need to move on. The whole point of lockdown and restrictions wasn’t to stop everyone getting it, but controlling it and not overwhelming our health services.

AviciaJones · 08/04/2021 22:18

I wouldn’t be taking any chances and would say no to having it in your house and no you won’t be attending.

The vaccination doesn’t stop the virus spreading, everyone still needs to social distance.

HappyGoPlucky · 08/04/2021 22:21

Think the problem is different people have different views on COVID & the restrictions and aren't always very respectful of others' feelings or views. As is demonstrated on this thread!

This is one of those times when the convenient development of symptoms would come in handy... And then one of your vaccinated siblings can host instead.

MintyMabel · 08/04/2021 22:39

I’d say no on the basis it is against the rules. Given they keep finding excuses not to have it outdoors or at someone else’s home or other venue, it seems they aren’t that fussed about having the gathering. If they were really bothered they would do it somewhere else.

If it causes a rift, so be it.

Wowyouareboring · 08/04/2021 22:58

No words 😶

greenlynx · 08/04/2021 23:04

@saraclara
Apologies, I will correct myself.

After first dose of vaccination your risk of getting symptomatic Covid is lower (by 70% or 90% depending on which shot you have Pfizer or AZ). But you still could get it asyptomaticly or mildly and pass it to other people.
In fact I've noticed a change in the behaviour of some vaccinated people around me, they became careless (presumably because their personal risk is lower). I've found it quite uncomfortable even though I've got my first shot. So I wouldn't allow this gathering even in my garden, because they wouldn't stay only in the garden with this kind of attitude.

stackemhigh · 08/04/2021 23:07

OP, they’re not the ones that will pay the fine if you’re reported by the neighbours so say NO!

Your house, your rules, if they want to do this tell them you’ll only attend is it’s outdoors.

Yummymummy2020 · 08/04/2021 23:14

I would be firm and sat outdoors only. I would stay distanced and then I would not be too wary. It is your home and you are not under any obligation. Also everyone is entitled to their own risk assessment and if you are not comfortable doing something that’s perfectly fine. A lot of people like to make out people are being ridiculous for being cautious when it’s common sense to me!

Chloemol · 08/04/2021 23:33

If you don’t want to do it in the house, and I fully get why, then could you meet outside, albeit it’s more than 6?

MrsClatterbuck · 09/04/2021 00:28

Can you not get the vaccine. We are vaccinating the over forties here in NI.

saraclara · 09/04/2021 00:48

@Chloemol

If you don’t want to do it in the house, and I fully get why, then could you meet outside, albeit it’s more than 6?

She's already said that the others won't do that because it's too cold.

Wusses. I've had two garden gatherings of six on cold days. Everyone wrapped up warm and I provided fleece blankets or sleeping bags if people needed more warmth.

ViviPru · 09/04/2021 06:49

Of course you shouldn’t feel obliged. Even pre pandemic I would be somewhat put out at the decision being made on my behalf that I will host, let alone now when it’s illegal and risky. Claiming it’s an actual wake to legitimise it is shaky ground.

It seems PP saying you should do it/they would do it aren’t aware of your update. And even if they are, I still think good for them, but it’s you who has to make the right choice for you.

I do wonder about the omission of pertinent info at the start though OP. I get sometimes it doesn’t occur to posters what others will feel has a strong bearing on the situation but in this case the indoor nature of the gathering and the fact it’s assumed you’d host are absolutely key. I do wonder also why the thread is entitled “go to a family meet up” when it’s about family coming to your house?

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