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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH annoyed that I wouldn't have sex with him last night.

128 replies

DisneyDamsel89 · 08/04/2021 11:38

I don't know if aibu but DH has been in a foul mood since he got up and had a bit of a nasty tone to his voice so I asked him what was up and he snapped at me that he was really annoyed that he'd been hinting for sex last night and he didn't get any.

For some reason I feel fuming. We have regular sex so it's not like he isn't getting any - it just feels really entitled.

OP posts:
Yeval · 08/04/2021 19:32

@StamfordHill Everything you've said is the height of male entitlement. Absolutely fucking foul. I feel so sad for your wife. I'd like to tell her it doesn't have to be this way.

Yeval · 08/04/2021 19:34

[quote TheGumption]@StamfordHill your posts are disgusting. There's a word for having sex with someone that doesn't want to. It seems to have escaped me...one second...let me think[/quote]
Exactly. I imagine @StamfordHill thinks rape is something only strangers do to drunk women in dark alleyways.

SelkieBoru · 08/04/2021 19:40

Eugh, controlling and entitled.

SelkieBoru · 08/04/2021 19:45

@StamfordHill

Meh. This isn't the first of such threads, and really I feel many women are quite entitled too. They expect fidelity, yet won't put out.

I'm not saying either spouse has to be sexually available 24/365, or that the other spouse has a right to punish in any way when they don't get it. But equally, often refusing without any reason, and never going out of one's comfort zone to please the other partner, is also wrong.

Marriages or similar relationships come with the understanding that both parties exclusively have sex with one another, but also that they actually have sex. When one side refuses to have sex, safe in the knowledge that their partner won't cheat on them, they are being unfair.

And of course MNs love to ignore the simple fact that being rejected is painful. How about you take into account that people's feelings are hurt when their partner rejects them sexually, and show some sensitivity.

Wow, this makes me so glad I'm single.

My x was like this too. Got in a mood if I wasn't available to him like a resource for him to plunder. Even if I'd said no a lot more, he would have been getting more sex than he would have got as a single man.

Geez I do not miss those days, having to sleep with him so he didn't punish me with a sulk.

What a prat.rapist

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 19:47

@StamfordHill

But who wants to have sex when the other person doesn't really want to? It's not a duty or a chore like putting the bins out.

There's a difference between doesn't really want to and really doesn't want to. Broadly speaking, I think it's incumbent on spouses to make the effort even when they don't really want to (within reason).

There have been times when I couldn't really be bothered yet my wife was in the mood so I put out, and she's done the same for me. When you love one another, you try to go the extra mile for them. Especially when not doing so would probably hurt your OH, as rejection is not a nice feeling.

I agree with this, @StamfordHill.

A lot of people on here won't, but I do.

You don't mean someone is forced and hates it - you mean someone can't really be arsed but makes the effort because the other person feels like it, and then both enjoy it anyhow because they love/fancy each other.

And you make a good point about rejection. It's a judgement call sometimes: what is worse - getting in the mood and then enjoying it, or letting your partner feel bad. OF COURSE nobody is forced, but sometimes out of love, we all compromise.

HAVING SAID THAT, it sounds to me like the OP wasn't just not in the mood once - she actually says he's totally disgusting to her.

That doesn't sound like a good sexual relationship. I don't think OP is being unreasonable to find DH's sulking horrible and his attitude bad (won't even wank), and I think he sounds deeply unattractive.

OP, my verdict remains the same: no you shouldn't have had to, yes he's hurt and angry, if he won't wank and says 'that's what you're for' then seriously I would be thinking very hard about what you are willing to put up with.

blowinahoolie · 08/04/2021 20:30

@StamfordHill

But who wants to have sex when the other person doesn't really want to? It's not a duty or a chore like putting the bins out.

There's a difference between doesn't really want to and really doesn't want to. Broadly speaking, I think it's incumbent on spouses to make the effort even when they don't really want to (within reason).

There have been times when I couldn't really be bothered yet my wife was in the mood so I put out, and she's done the same for me. When you love one another, you try to go the extra mile for them. Especially when not doing so would probably hurt your OH, as rejection is not a nice feeling.

Nah, I just accept he isn't in the mood or vice versa because we respect each other's feelings. It's not a difficult concept to grasp with two considerate adults in a partnership.

No need for either party to get in a huff. Sort yourself out. Move on. Throwing toys out of the pram if you don't get your own way isn't on, really.

sunnysol · 08/04/2021 21:08

@StamfordHill

Meh. This isn't the first of such threads, and really I feel many women are quite entitled too. They expect fidelity, yet won't put out.

I'm not saying either spouse has to be sexually available 24/365, or that the other spouse has a right to punish in any way when they don't get it. But equally, often refusing without any reason, and never going out of one's comfort zone to please the other partner, is also wrong.

Marriages or similar relationships come with the understanding that both parties exclusively have sex with one another, but also that they actually have sex. When one side refuses to have sex, safe in the knowledge that their partner won't cheat on them, they are being unfair.

And of course MNs love to ignore the simple fact that being rejected is painful. How about you take into account that people's feelings are hurt when their partner rejects them sexually, and show some sensitivity.

Why exactly do I need an excuse to not field my body out on demand? I have exclusive Elric hrs to my body and that includes saying no both before, during or any other time I wish, because I'm a person and only I decide what is right for me. If you don't like the idea of hearing no, perhaps a relationship isn't right for you.
Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 21:09

I cannot actually believe that women are on here now saying that @StamfordHill is a rapist. I can't believe it.

Are you so stupid? He explained very clearly that both his wife and him tried to respond to each other's needs if there was a moment when one felt like it but the other didn't. This is called mutual respect, caring, loving.

You lot don't fucking know what rape is. Trust me, that REALLY isn't rape.

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 21:10

oh and actually I've now decided I don't want to be a 'woman'. I would like to be myself, please.

Don't you dare lump me in with you idiots (Obviously not all of you!! : ) ... but the ones who called @StamfordHill a rapist, for example)

Whatisupwithme · 08/04/2021 21:49

I think some posters on here don't seem to realise that you have to be respectful, kind and engaged with someone in all areas of life for them to feel like having sex with you. Not just OP's DH.

Too many men think that wanting sex is all the work required for a close sexual relationship. They want sex, so she must be the problem.

It has nothing to do with reward or withdrawal, if someone is disrespectful of you, you're not going to want to have sex with them. That is not 'withholding sex', it is simply not wanting sex. It is not a punishment, what an incredibly narcissistic way to interpret a woman not wanting sex with someone that has been unpleasant to her.

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 22:08

@Whatisupwithme

With all due respect.

That is not 'withholding sex', it is simply not wanting sex. It is not a punishment, what an incredibly narcissistic way to interpret a woman not wanting sex with someone that has been unpleasant to her.

I think he wasn't unpleasant - just a bit rubbish? Said had been hinting that he would like to have sex with her - so he initiated badly. Then he said it. Then she said bugger off.

Having said that , he does sound generally unpleasant, so then she's in an inertia situation of him always been unpleasant, and her always by your definition (which I like and agree with) not wanting sex with him.

Hence my conclusion that this relationship is not a goer.

But I have to say, that I do absolutely know women who deliberately 'control' their husbands with withdrawal or otherwise of sex. They say it. They laugh round a table of women and say well if he doesn't do x or if he thinks he can do y then no way is he getting any sex for a week.

You may find this hard to believe, but I have be actually lectured by other women that I am stupid for not using sex as a weapon. For still having sex when he's done something that he shouldn't.

It is very possible that I am completely fucked up, but I know that I've seen and heard and been shocked by women like that. Not really the OP in this case (she wasn't witholding - she just finds him disgusting) but - they do exist. They do exist. Women do behave like this. Some of them.

Whatisupwithme · 08/04/2021 22:12

Well you are correct that I do find that difficult to believe.

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 22:27

@Whatisupwithme

Well you are correct that I do find that difficult to believe.
So think: am I lying? Would I make something like that up? Read all my other posts on here. On MN. I'm not making it up for some cheap point.
DYWMB · 08/04/2021 22:44

[quote Parkerwhereareyou]@Whatisupwithme

With all due respect.

That is not 'withholding sex', it is simply not wanting sex. It is not a punishment, what an incredibly narcissistic way to interpret a woman not wanting sex with someone that has been unpleasant to her.

I think he wasn't unpleasant - just a bit rubbish? Said had been hinting that he would like to have sex with her - so he initiated badly. Then he said it. Then she said bugger off.

Having said that , he does sound generally unpleasant, so then she's in an inertia situation of him always been unpleasant, and her always by your definition (which I like and agree with) not wanting sex with him.

Hence my conclusion that this relationship is not a goer.

But I have to say, that I do absolutely know women who deliberately 'control' their husbands with withdrawal or otherwise of sex. They say it. They laugh round a table of women and say well if he doesn't do x or if he thinks he can do y then no way is he getting any sex for a week.

You may find this hard to believe, but I have be actually lectured by other women that I am stupid for not using sex as a weapon. For still having sex when he's done something that he shouldn't.

It is very possible that I am completely fucked up, but I know that I've seen and heard and been shocked by women like that. Not really the OP in this case (she wasn't witholding - she just finds him disgusting) but - they do exist. They do exist. Women do behave like this. Some of them.[/quote]
Stop detailing the tread with your some other women do xyz crap.
Stick with op question.

Clymene · 08/04/2021 22:44

You e clearly got shit friends @Parkerwhereareyou. I don't know any adult women who are that childish.

Babygotblueyes · 08/04/2021 23:03

Waiting for the day when men realize that putting their partner in the mood for sex involves treating them with respect and love, taking an equal share of the work of the home and family, and generally being a functional human being. A lot of men seem to feel just hinting or saying they are in the mood is enough. Cant think of anything less sexy.

Parkerwhereareyou · 09/04/2021 01:29

@Clymene

You e clearly got shit friends *@Parkerwhereareyou*. I don't know any adult women who are that childish.
They're from a different culture.
cherrytreesa · 09/04/2021 02:31

Parkerwhereareyou

Considering that on another thread, you blame 'mostly' women for men having affairs and now you're saying the OPs husbands behaviour wasn't ''unpleasant' and behold now you're saying some women 'control' their husbands with withdrawal or otherwise of sex. You really, really don't like women do you? What's going on with you?

StarlightLady · 09/04/2021 05:07

His attitude is so wtong. Sex is about passion and sharing bodies, it is not something that one person gives to another.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 09/04/2021 06:53

Ick. That's because men like OPs husband see sex something as something they do to women not with women. I would fuck him off, every time he tried that nonsense. So unattractive " hinting" for sex 🤮

Parkerwhereareyou · 09/04/2021 07:05

@cherrytreesa

Parkerwhereareyou

Considering that on another thread, you blame 'mostly' women for men having affairs and now you're saying the OPs husbands behaviour wasn't ''unpleasant' and behold now you're saying some women 'control' their husbands with withdrawal or otherwise of sex. You really, really don't like women do you? What's going on with you?

@cherrytreesa

You're drawing a conclusion that is too sweeping.

Over the past 10 years, I've met some women who have really shocked me. Partly because I've been heavily exposed to a different culture where a noticeable cohort of the women operate on principles that I find pretty abhorrent. In this culture, it's openly accepted - promoted, even. And no, I couldn't believe it either! But I've been shocked by it enough times to have to accept that some of them just are like that.

I don't like or dislike men or women as vast groups of lemmings. I like it dislike individuals. I know some wonderful women who I adore. But I've also learnt to be wary of some others.

On here we often aren't in a situation where we are giving the full picture, so I'm sorry it hasn't come through.

I was referring to how the OP's husband tried to initiate - she said she was annoyed he gave hints. I was saying this was a bit rubbish of him rather than deeply unpleasant. His comment about not wanting because he had her was deeply unpleasant and I said so. I said I thought he was all together awful and their relationship very bad, several times.

As for affairs - women are part of this too. I happen to have had first hand experience of an extraordinarily predatory and destructive woman in this. And I'm talking about that with female friends (I have a lot!), it seems several of them had encountered others like that.

I was just trying to say that I don't agree all men are bad and all women are good. Because that's not the case, in my experience.

But on this thread - I've just said he sounds deeply unattractive!

C8H10N4O2 · 09/04/2021 08:35

They're from a different culture

Aye they are. Hmm

So for this to be true, it would need to be a patriarchal culture where women expect/are expected to find no pleasure in sex themselves but solely to be available for the sexual gratification of men.

Not sure your argument is quite the slam dunk you think it is.

Parkerwhereareyou · 09/04/2021 12:36

@C8H10N4O2

They're from a different culture

Aye they are. Hmm

So for this to be true, it would need to be a patriarchal culture where women expect/are expected to find no pleasure in sex themselves but solely to be available for the sexual gratification of men.

Not sure your argument is quite the slam dunk you think it is.

They're from a more matriarchal culture I'd say. But kind of overlaid with faux patriarchal.

Traditionally the men work, smoke, drink, sleep.

The women rule the roost.

But there's also endemic domestic violence.

Yes I was shocked. No I didn't like it.

I don't think it's a slam dunk argument. My mild point is just that many of you may not have seen much if any of this kind of female behaviour. Buts it exists.

As for UK culture - the worst entitlement and disrespect for other women I've seen in higher sociology-economic class English women. ....

Parkerwhereareyou · 09/04/2021 12:40

So for this to be true, it would need to be a patriarchal culture where women expect/are expected to find no pleasure in sex themselves but solely to be available for the sexual gratification of men.

No. They just use sex as a way of control. So if they fancy sex but they feel he needs to be brought in line, they withhold sex. Telling him this is what happens if you do something I don't like.

When they agree to have sex, no reason to think they don't enjoy it.

lorca · 09/04/2021 12:58

OP - you are/were feeling guilty that you 'didn't put out' yesterday Hmm and I think he would think 'Job Done'!

You now know that next time you don't feel like sex, you will have to go through with it for him [boak] or he'll sulk.

Or you get rid. And have sex when and only when YOU feel like it.