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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only work 4 days a week

266 replies

RootBeerFloat43 · 08/04/2021 08:13

Just interested in people's opinions of this as my partner and I have disagreed. I have a job offer where I can work either 4 days or 5 days a week. Our son is in school so, the day off would just be giving me a break and a bit of time to myself. My partner doesn't really understand why I need the time off and I do see his point as he works full-time. After mat leave, I went back to work 4 days a week but this was so I could have my son at home with me instead of nursery. Now that he is in school, is it just expected that I work full-time?

Not yet decided what I will do but would be interesting to hear other people's thoughts on this. Just to be clear, we both have professional roles and make good money so we would not struggle financially with part-time working.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 08/04/2021 14:39

AvaCallanach
The OP said herself it would be free time and some time to herself.

Our son is in school so, the day off would just be giving me a break and a bit of time to myself.

So can we get past the 'that isn't feminism' crap. Hmm

The OP asked for people's views of THEIR situation, not a situation that other posters have fabricated on ideological lines.

When we are in a romantic relationship it is a partnership and decisions need to be made as a partnership. If one partner wants to decrease their hours to have break and time to themselves (OP's words by the way), then it is entirely reasonable that this is a joint decision as it affects household finances.
In the case of combined finances, it affects the family pot, with one person adding more so the other can have time to themselves.
In the case of separate finances, it affects one person's finances and will either have a knock on effect on their ability to cover their portion of the bills, or their personal disposable income.

In both situations it is reasonable for the couple to discuss how this shortfall is accounted for.

crashbandicoot4 · 08/04/2021 14:57

4 days is great because you can do the life admin stuff on the 'off' day and still have a weekend with the family

clto2021 · 08/04/2021 15:02

I work 4 days. Went down to 4 after maternity leave and never looked back despite my boys now both being at school. It's great, means I have a bit of me time but also that I get to do life errands during the week which frees up family time at the weekend. If you can afford it, then I'd go for it 👍

Strangekindofwoman · 08/04/2021 15:10

I find it very odd that your DH would have the hump about it. Especially if it didn't have a financial impact.

AvaCallanach · 08/04/2021 15:18

@lolasmiles
With respect, this is the op's first child and first time with him at school. If she doesn't yet understand mental load because she hasn't yet had to juggle school crap and home crap that's understandable. In almost every relationship with kids, especially more than 1 kid, one person takes the career hit to manage parenting and life stuff, and in doing so enables the other person to progress in work less hindered. Of course this need not be the mother but generally it does need to be someone, unless you have a live in nanny.

This needs to be respected as a valuable contribution to the family and of equal value.
I know no part time worker who has days at home simply doing "me time", do you?

AvaCallanach · 08/04/2021 15:21

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load

Useful article on mental load and why men doing as they are asked to 'help out' is in no way the same thing.

AvaCallanach · 08/04/2021 15:23

I would also ask who is doing this invisible cognitive work on top of the full time work when both parties work full time?

Answer 95 percent of the time it isn't the man.
And yes I do have a bit of a thing about this and I may be projecting.

Headstand · 08/04/2021 15:26

I would do this in a heartbeat. Both me and DP want to go to 4 days a week, we don't have kids. It's more to have a day to work on personal projects, do life admin and everything else that you never get to when working full time and long hours. I think most people would benefit from an extra day if it didn't impact family finances. It seems like a no-brainer to me.

Original poster
RootBeerFloat43 · 08/04/2021 15:30

@LolaSmiles

AvaCallanach The OP said herself it would be free time and some time to herself.

Our son is in school so, the day off would just be giving me a break and a bit of time to myself.

So can we get past the 'that isn't feminism' crap. Hmm

The OP asked for people's views of THEIR situation, not a situation that other posters have fabricated on ideological lines.

When we are in a romantic relationship it is a partnership and decisions need to be made as a partnership. If one partner wants to decrease their hours to have break and time to themselves (OP's words by the way), then it is entirely reasonable that this is a joint decision as it affects household finances.
In the case of combined finances, it affects the family pot, with one person adding more so the other can have time to themselves.
In the case of separate finances, it affects one person's finances and will either have a knock on effect on their ability to cover their portion of the bills, or their personal disposable income.

In both situations it is reasonable for the couple to discuss how this shortfall is accounted for.

Well, I now class cleaning and grocery shopping alone as quality time to myself haha. I would not be lounging around all day but would definitely also use the time for reading or coffees with friends.
OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 15:34

YANBU at ALL. You could always do a bit more housework than he does to make up the difference in free time. But life is just as important as work provided you can afford it.

Asthenia · 08/04/2021 15:35

I don’t even have children and I work 4 days a week! Never ever going back. Go for it OP.

Babyroobs · 08/04/2021 15:35

I work four days, my kids are teenagers and young adults. I do sometimes feel guilty but most of my day off is sorting shopping/ meals/ dogwalking etc. I'm not well paid and doing an extra day really wouldn't add that much extra income.

Original poster
RootBeerFloat43 · 08/04/2021 15:43

Interesting discussion about the mental load some women carry. I know this is different for everyone but I have to say my husband genuinely does his fair share with household stuff. For things related to our son, not as much. So, I am the one calling around trying to sort the chicken pox vaccine, however he is the one sorting out the electrician/plumber what have you if anything needs doing. He also keeps track of all the bills and the financial side of things.

Also, I know lots of people have joint savings and ‘family money’ but it works well for us that it’s separate. I like the independence and neither of us are financially dependent on the other.

I will have a talk with him again, keeping in mind all the points raised here and make a decision that we’re both on board with.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 15:48

Not everyone makes it to pension age. Life is to be enjoyed & lived and if you can make your family life easier by doing 4 days, do it!

AvaCallanach · 08/04/2021 15:50

My DH (and I do realize I am in danger of banging on) will call an electrician if I ask him to. The point is, I have to actively ask him to do it. He doesn't regard "keeping hold of household jobs and who, how and when they will be sorted" as his responsibility. That's the tiring bit that he simply can't grasp.

Original poster
RootBeerFloat43 · 08/04/2021 15:56

@AvaCallanach

My DH (and I do realize I am in danger of banging on) will call an electrician if I ask him to. The point is, I have to actively ask him to do it. He doesn't regard "keeping hold of household jobs and who, how and when they will be sorted" as his responsibility. That's the tiring bit that he simply can't grasp.
I wouldn’t have to ask him to do this, he will recognise and sort these things himself with zero input from me. I don’t think I can complain too much in this regard.
OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/04/2021 15:59

reasonable not to if you split housework, cooking, shopping and childcare evenly Grin

Another option might be to work five shorter days, so that you don't have to faff around with after school arrangements.
I work three days equivalent, but over four days, so finish at 2pm most days (allegedly)

Sparklehead · 08/04/2021 16:00

I work a 30 hour week over 4 days and my husband works full-time, 5 days. What we both find invaluable is when working out how to cover childcare for the 13 weeks of school holidays that children have. We have 3DC, none of whom are old enough to stay at home on their own in the holidays and the cost of holiday clubs for 3 really adds up. Knowing we have a day a week covered for all holidays is great. I have asked my husband if he wants to drop down to 4 days but he is happy doing 5. His job is also much more flexible than mine (he can work from home when he wants to and I’m in a hospital) plus pre-Covid, it involved numerous oversea trips which, although work, can also be a bit of downtime from the busyness/stress of family life. I LOVE my day of during the week and would always choose to keep it over earning a bit more money.

Sparklehead · 08/04/2021 16:01

*day off

CandidaDoyle · 08/04/2021 16:04

I've recently moved from full time hours to 4 days a week.

However, I'm now actually working more than full time hours, because I'm temporarily working extra hours at the vaccine centre on my "non-working day" on a zero hours contract.

I'm enjoying the flexibility of how to use my non working day - either earning a bit of extra cash with extra shifts and in future months knowing I don't have a nightmare of juggling work with the kids orthodontist treatment etc.

The financial hit to me dropping a day is worth it to me in terms of work/life balance

Crabwoman · 08/04/2021 16:26

I had to change roles and did the opposite- went from 4 to 5 days and it made a (negative) difference to family life.

I got so much done around the house, admin, shopping on that day off and we have really noticed how much more hectic weekends are now.

4 days really made such a positive difference to the household and we are now aiming for one of us to go to 4 days again.

Passionfruitpizza · 08/04/2021 16:30

No, I think it's a great idea though it would be better if your husband had the opportunity to do the same.

orangegina · 08/04/2021 16:31

No you're not being unreasonable. That's one day where you can get chores done, shopping, have appointments, pick child up at 3pm. Not have to rush

School day is only 6 hours anyway

Oblomov21 · 08/04/2021 16:32

thebillyotea

"I don't disagree with the OP BTW, but your ridiculous post is embarrassing."

Eh?

It is agreed by most that ALL of us should be working a 4 day week. It's supposed to be the ideal.

See the links.

How can you dispute this?

LolaSmiles · 08/04/2021 16:36

RootBeerFloat43
Your approach sounds good. Smile If you can get ahead on some of the house things on your day off it makes a big difference to the weekend in my experience, though mine aren't school age yet.

The main thing is that whatever you decide to do, both people are on the same page and are clear on expectations regarding finances.