Losing my mind on postnatal ward

[newmum0604]

Had my first baby Tuesday evening, over the moon, she is perfect but I'm scared for my mental health right now. I have slept a total of 1.5 hours since Sunday night.

They won't 'let' me leave til they see her feeding well, without someone helping me. I understand where they are coming from but I'm finding it pretty fucking impossible to establish breastfeeding in this environment. I want to be at home, in my own bed, quiet and relaxed.

The issue is she seems to latch on OK but won't keep going for more than a few seconds, stop start like this for maybe 10/15 minutes every 4ish hours. She is sleeping a lot, I could be sleeping too if it weren't for the background noise. But this means I can't think straight about the situation. Every time I started to feed in the first 24 hours someone would appear and take over, so even though she seems content they won't class it as me having actually done anything/being capable. Have expressed into syringes a couple of times, not going to let her starve ffs.

AIBU to switch to formula purely so I can leave in the morning before I completely go over the edge? I know that sounds incredibly dramatic but I genuinely feel on the edge

This happened to me with nr 1. Got stuck for 4 days. Didn't settle until we got home and I could take him to bed with me (not allowed in the hospital - was told off several times) and we could figure it out together.
Afterwards they said it was fairly common. (MW visited day after we got home to "advise", but we'd sorted ourselves out.)

I gave DD1 formula to get out. Then rang my NCT counsellor and she breastfed for a year. Did it with DS, too. I knew he had a tongue tie by then (had BF'd 2 others to 1 year).

I remember feeling exactly the same, 17 years ago. After days of sleep deprivation I thought I was finally hallucinating when a 'helpful' breastfeeding guru entered the ward and descended upon my bed with a huge, knitted breast.

I would not discharge until the baby is feeding well.
A doctor once told me that human newborns are the only mammals who will starve themselves to death in their sleep.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through the PN ward hell - but you’ll make it through and it will be great to have peace of mind baby is eating well once you’re home instead of stressing that something could be wrong and wondering if and at what point you take yourself back to hospital

Please leave, I was in your exact situation in September and I was pushed to crisis point by the hospital.due to their compete lack of care. I am still dealing with the fallout of that six months later.

Ask for self discharge paperwork. It is not a prison, you are free to leave.

I wish someone had told me to just get my baby and go six months ago.

Get home, get the support you need elsewhere. As others have mentioned I found the community team and local charities much more helpful.

Congratulations on your little one.

I would use formula to leave then establish bf asap at home. Make sure you are totally confident about the bf though, and you know how much your baby would be getting via formula to make comparisons, as if you baby doesn't get enough food it will be dire for your baby, that is why the hospital are concerned - there was a case where a mother left and said feeding hadn't been explained to her and her baby suffered disabiliities as a result and she sued medical staff.

BF you need to be feeding about every 3 hours at the start if I remember rightly, if your baby isn't taking much in. Maybe the staff think you aren't initiating feeding enough.

My first baby was really sleepy for about 2 weeks as they had been born early and because I wanted to bf and assumed it would all just work out, i hadn't read up on formula feeding properly and so wasn't sure how much they were supposed to be getting - so it is worth reading up on formula feeding even though you will be reestablishing bf.

[quote PerspicaciousGreen]LEAVE. GO. DEPART. ASAP. Pack up your belongings and walk out. Just go. They CANNOT keep you there against your will. GET OUT. Get your shit together, have your husband waiting in the corridor, then find any member of staff and announce that you are discharging yourself and going home right now. Then walk out.

Get home, ring the community midwife team and tell them you have left and can they please send someone round to visit you ASAP (today or tomorrow) as you are very concerned about your baby's feeding. Buy a bottle of ready made formula for tonight and go home and put some earplugs in and SLEEP. Leave your husband in charge of the baby for one night while you recover.

Tomorrow, wake up and start life again.

PLEASE GET YOURSELF OUT OF THERE. I've been reading through this thread from 2017 about postnatal wards: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2920102-AIBU-to-think-that-all-mothers-should-have-food-and-water-on-postnatal-wards?pg=11[/quote]
This!

Also, it is worth expressing using the hospital super pump and feeding that to your baby, if you have already let down - it took me a while to let down - more than 2 days (Tues to Thurs)
Congrats on your little one. Make sure your dh is bringing in lots of pretty baby things for your baby's hospital cot as that will cheer you up too.

This is a deeply shocking thread to read. Where is the care that should be given to all vulnerable mothers at what can be a really difficult time?So many of you have had such traumatic experiences it is not surprising that you are reacting with stress and more, and that establishing feeding is so hard. It doesn’t seem that being in hospital does much when the staff are overworked and not seeing what is happening. If the op has support at home, someone to make meals, no other caring responsibilities, it probably is the best place and get urgent support from the community midwife if such a thing exists these days. Good luck. Re the baby’s weight. I remember being told it was normal to expect a little weight loss in the first month. It will all get better and you will be much more confident.

Maternity care is shocking. I was suicidal, wanting to walk out of the hospital without my baby. It's just the baby blues they say. I get home so traumatised and mentally unstable I was nearly sectioned.

And why, in these types of circumstances, do they use this sort of language- ‘oh you won’t be ALLOWED home until this happens’, ‘You will be staying overnight then we might LET you leave depending on this’ Just shifting to we ‘recommend’ you stay because of xyz or ‘we’d prefer you to stay longer to help you with this’ would massively help women not feel like prisoners

I feel for you op. When I gave birth to my last child, they were insisting I stay. I was adament I was leaving. The said they wouldn't discharge me as the baby hadn't been checked yet. This was after 12 hours and me begging for paracetamol and still sitting with a catheter in on top of a maternity mat. They were useless and I had been requesting in being removed.

I told them I would be as well at home because at least I could get my own bloody paracetamol.

The midwife was really awful and said if I left they'd call the police. had I been a first time mum I'd have been petrified. I said "you're doing to call the police and tell them I'm taking my own baby..." I asked for the complaints team and all of a sudden she was magically able to do all the newborn checks that hasn't been done in the last 12h.

I honestly think it was easier for her to keep me in than do the discharge paper work. I was livid and very glad I was stroppy and told them I was leaving ...

What I'm saying is you know you and your baby best and you can insist on leaving if you feel that would be better. It's not a prison contrary to what some midwives would have you believe.

(Not bashing midwives btw just this one specific one threatening to call the police on me stealing my own baby...!)

@Thecatonthemat

This is a deeply shocking thread to read. Where is the care that should be given to all vulnerable mothers at what can be a really difficult time?So many of you have had such traumatic experiences it is not surprising that you are reacting with stress and more, and that establishing feeding is so hard. It doesn’t seem that being in hospital does much when the staff are overworked and not seeing what is happening. If the op has support at home, someone to make meals, no other caring responsibilities, it probably is the best place and get urgent support from the community midwife if such a thing exists these days. Good luck. Re the baby’s weight. I remember being told it was normal to expect a little weight loss in the first month. It will all get better and you will be much more confident.

Oh, it's been like this for a long time. And even worse when the 'partners' were allowed to stay overnight so the ward was holding double what it was designed for.

I only did overnight on pn ward and it was horrific.

I hadn't wanted to stop got no sleep was shouted for everything. I though they were busy but DH said it was just us four crammed in together on whole ward - noise lack of privacy it was just awful.

He came 10.00 am to take me home - we don't drive so friend was waiting in car park - baby was bf well community MW had popped by and made appointment for next day - by 1.00 pm still couldn't leave becuase of paper work - we walked out. She'd already got her security tag off and no one questioned us.

I was given terrible bf advice in hopsital - a bf friendly one -told she was feeding to much - that and no sleep I just crashed. My milk didn't come in till day 5 and my community MW balmed the delay on no feeding for so long as I slept so long and DH was discouraging feeding to let me sleep.

To get milk in it was lots of skin to skin and rest and pumping when she wasn't feeding - none of which would have been possible in hopsital.

I found out later many of the other BF mums had resorted to a bottle fo formula to get out of hospital. At time in our bf friendly are they were anti any ff as it would destroy all the bf benefits - utter bollocks but it upset many of my friends.

Is there a family member who can avodacte and help you get out? I only had courage to leave as DH was there and didn't want to mess around of friend giving us a lift - and I didn't want o walk or bus it back.

I had HB for next two and frankly I made a much quicker recovery becuase I didn't have postnal ward stress on top of giving birth.

With my second she arrived quickly so I went home off the delivery suite. Bliss.

Yeah tell them Ul start milk top ups if it lets you get home. It's a horrible place to be. I was in for 6days and 5 nights of hell. I had about 3 hrs sleep in that time. Had also laboured overnight so not slept while in labour.

There is no sleep on post natal wards. Even if ur baby sleeping other ones are not. Then if u so finally manage to finally fall asleep they'll wake u up checking ur blood pressure etc every couple of hours.

Ur milk won't even be in yet so baby will not be getting lots it will mainly be colostrum. Even when I got home day 6 I still had no milk, I had started to give some formula top ups and eventually switched to formula when my milk didn't come in.

I'm sure u can get some help at home from midwives or health visitors.

This thread is so shocking. Tale after tale of new mothers being treated abominably. Men would not be tortured and degraded like this.

Next time a survey comes out telling us how crap UK women are at breastfeeding, this thread should be shared with anyone spouting off. It's no fucking wonder.

OP - I really hope you are deeply asleep under a duvet right now and your baby's father is giving her some formula whilst enjoying some lovely dad cuddles.

I complained to the hosptial and I'm glad I did, because I want them to understand the long term impact these experiences have...you never forget when someone has been rude and you've had trauma..you remember it always.
I had to have EMDR therapy on my birth trauma, not the birth itself, the treatment around it.
When I complained my notes were missing, which confirmed to me they knew they were wrong to ignore a suicidal mother and treat her with disdain. When I think back to it, I can't even cope with the trauma..I carry it with me.

You have my complete sympathy OP. I have got three strapping teenagers who were all bottle fed. I remember being stuck in a ward nearly going mad with lack of sleep, all I wanted was my own bed.
The ward was so understaffed, that I was left in my blood stained Gown after my C Section, my mum couldn’t believe it, said it was like a third world country (the staff were great, just not enough of them).

Wards are busy places with all the comings and going’s
I really tried to breastfeed, but it just didn’t happen.
I picked up a bottle from the cupboard behind the midwives and my son just gobbled it up!
I think you have really got to do what is best for you, and please do not feel guilty.
When you look back on this time, you will see that in the scale of things it doesn’t matter xxx
Sending you lots of hugs ❤️❤️

I wanted to go straight home from delivery suite - but the messed around for hours then decided it was too late to discharge- it was very much preseneted as you have no choice - and DH felt dimissed at pn ward doors.

I wan't feed entire time in hospital - and getting a drink of water was a trial had no pain relief. Never occured to eitehr of us I'd be in longer than a night - but I think if we hadn't walked I have had similar experince to many of my friends kept in for days and resorting to ff to just get home and several did think their post natal depression started on the wards.

Post natal wards are noisy and a pain. Completely understaffed and so many mums and babies the noise is awful.

As to feeding. I had to strip mine down to nappy so they woke up fully then when they dozed off in the breast, pop them down on plastic changing mat which wakes them up again and eager to feed. Rinse and repeat. In early days I had to do this loads each feed.

Discharge yourself. That's what I did

@Namechange1991x @PurpleWh1teGreen I complained about the breastfeeding "help" in my first "baby friendly" hospital. It was ridiculous and set women up to fail by painting a rainbows and butterflies picture beforehand of baby crawling out of your vagina and straight up your tummy onto your breast to attach themselves. Then afterwards it was the ninth circle of hell where despite only having one arm available to hold my baby and not being able to move my legs, every time I rang for help they just looked at me confused why I wanted them and left again.

I wasn't able to put together a very coherent complaint but I did specifically mention that I thought it was awful that combination feeding wasn't explained as an option. I combi fed for a few weeks then EBF until 9 or 10 months. The person I complained to said that if they let mothers know they could give a bottle alongside breastfeeding, no one would ever EBF!!!!!! What?!?? If they let mothers know they could give a bottle alongside breastfeeding maybe fewer people would exclusively FF and more babies would get some breastmilk as women wouldn't feel it was all or nothing...? But no, women are such idiots they have to be lied to to coerce them.

@5zeds

Go home. BFing isn’t a group activity. Go home, lie in bed all day and feed whenever you want. Drink and eat loads and recover.

That.

What's also shocking is that women are expected not only to look after themselves in these conditions but also to care for helpless newborn babies. I've heard some horror stories about babies being dropped because exhausted, drugged up mothers can't stay awake and no one comes to take the baby when they ring the bell.