To wonder about how clever my child will be

[Whatdoyouthink86]

So I love my 3yo DS very dearly and he is a fascinating child. I know this might seem like a ridiculous question but I was wondering - those of you with "clever" grown up children - when did they turn out to be "clever"?

I know full well that being clever isn't that important and that there are many many other predictors of happiness and success in life. We will be proud of him no matter what. I am just curious really.

Me and his dad did very well at school and have successful careers. Early on, he doesn't seem to be ahead of his peers in many things. He's behind in a few. No developmental red flags. Could he be a late developer, or is this likely representative of his general ability?

It doesn't matter either way. I know plenty of people will jump to have a go at me but it's just a straightforward curious question.

Both my exH and I were academically bright from a young age, early good readers, top sets in selective schools, good degrees from top unis and successful at work.

DS has learning disabilities and ASD. He’s the apple of my eye and I can’t imagine being prouder of him than I am when he masters something that would seem pretty basic to most people. Life doesn’t often deliver what you expect it to, so I have learned to avoid expectations.

This is an interesting view. I’m not sure that is born out in reality

I agree, it’s not my experience at all.

The really ‘clever’ children in primary and lower secondary often flail at GCSE and A level. This is because everything is a bit easy for them: they don’t get that experience of struggling, having to persist and then cracking it. Instead, they have it cracked straight away. This bites them on the arse later on when the work becomes genuinely difficult and challenging.

I think it depends somewhat on their peers. A clever child in a clever peer group may feel pressurised to keep up in a way they wouldn't in another setting. Though the true self-starters will do well anywhere.

As many have said, there are different forms of intelligence and these show at different ages and in different ways. Some children are exceptional talkers, but others are practically mute and then suddenly speak in whole sentences, so it really is hard to tell. What I would say, is that if you can see a similarity to your mentality as a child then you have a fair indication of their intellectual ability. I suppose what I mean by this is that my DS is exceptionally similar to me in the way he talks and expresses his view of the world. I have a high IQ and have no doubt that he does too as a result of the ways in which he is similar to me, but I really can’t tell with other people’s children until they are a lot older.

I had clever children who are now grown up....but children are individuals and will go their own way in life rather than as you expect.

My first was clever from the start, recognised some words when age 2 and was reading simple books age 3, silent reading age 4. Was brilliant at maths, chess, Lego technic at a young age. But had problems relating to others and was under-developed in areas such as art and crafts, never did get beyond the "smearing paint all over the page" stage even when other children were doing nice little drawings of houses and trees and stick figures...

My second child was also an early reader, wrote stories before starting school. Both children had a reading age of 15 by age 7. Older primary school became a nightmare because there was nothing suitable to teach them....my eldest rebelled and refused to do any work, by youngest tried to fit in and hated any attention. To be honest, it caused them more problems in school.

In secondary school it evened out a bit, but my eldest became so sick of education that didn't fit around his needs he bunked out at 18, didn't go to university and now works for himself online. My youngest remained a high flyer but does an everyday job now, and gets depressed over personal relationships.

Their 'cleverness' showed at a very young age; neither child was hot-housed in any way. They were praised and supported appropriately but our emphasis was on kindness to others, broadening interests especially in areas where they were not so able, and such things as honesty, trust, friendship, consideration for the planet and so on. Having struggled with things at school as a child myself, I used to think it would be good to be clever enough not to have the same struggles, but I am not sure it did my own children any good at all.

What’s interesting is how ours have mirrored us. We are both avid readers words come easily we go to the theatre art galleries have lots of discussions lots of books in our house. Our two dds are exactly the same as us. Average / ok at maths and science awesome both top of their years at English. Is it nature or nurture though?

It will be interesting to see what our DS turns out like as my DH is in the academically gifted but lazy category did brilliantly as a child full scholarship to private school. Minute he got to uni he just cruised through because nobody was pushing him. He's very intelligent just lazy.

I'm the opposite had to work three times as hard just to get it but improved with age and studying through sheer determination.

DS is 2 and shows some of his dad already counts to 20 and has a very wide vocab will pick up a word in a instant. Just hoping he has more of my work ethics! 😂

Very interesting post. I don't think you can tell with very young children how they will develop intellectually even if they seem advanced. Mine are 19 and 21, did very well at gcse and a level (all A/A*) and at good unis but i didnt think they were particularly bright until at secondary (comp). A lot depends on their school, own determination and maybe home although i have never got involved in homework. I did get a shock when ds's head at primary told me he was "very clever" - i had never thought be was!

I taught myself to read at two. I’m now a senior academic.

Interesting question, not sure I have the answers but will share my experience.

I taught Dd to read when she was a toddler, I’m academic and tried to encourage her to do stuff which I thought would help. So jigsaws, puzzles, etc...educational play I guess. She was always curious, seemed advanced to chat to as a small child, etc.

So I was quite surprised when at 7yo school said she was a year behind where she should be but when I asked about support they said they couldn’t give her any. We moved her to a smaller school. She was also diagnosed as dyslexic at that stage. She went on to pass her 11plus so must have improved.

Due to distance she didn’t get a place at the grammar so went to a fairly shit comprehensive in the next town. Was in top sets for everything though and did really well at GCSEs. Got chronically ill in sixth form and did quite poorly in her A levels, I think BCD. Thankfully had an unconditional uni offer and she seems to be doing ok at uni. But I wouldn’t say she’s a high flyer but some of this may be due to dyslexia and being poorly. And to be honest effort.

My teenage nephew is amazingly bright. Honestly he’s like Sheldon in the Big Bang when you talk to him. This was obvious when he was pre-school. He’s been fascinated by maths in particular from a very young age. His parents are both very intelligent and have encouraged that sort of intellectual curiosity. At primary school he was beating his teacher in mental maths tests every week. He got an A* in his maths gcse paper I think when he was 12 and was then sent to do maths with the sixth formers at school.

I was a 'clever' child. Reading fluently before I started school etc. I never really found anything difficult, even in secondary school. Managed above average GCSE grades despite absolutely no revision and quite a lot of bunking off.

Really, really struggled when I started A level study and ended up dropping out after a year- the work was much more difficult and I had never had to work for anything so I just couldn't hack it!

DD (nearly 4) seems quite bright but I've made a point of praising effort and perseverance. I was always told how clever I was, which although was with the best of intentions, never did me any favours.

My parents keep trying to peg my DC as "bright". Even when DS repeatedly identified blue and green as the same colour! He was apparently beyond simple colour categorisation and thinking on a higher level!

I had a horrible time as "the clever one" at school and am determined not to put my DC in the same box. I just don't think ability in anything is that meaningful before the age of about 7.

I plan to put more store in being honest and trying hard than in achievement. And to really follow through on this and not just say it. Though I often feel I don't know how! Carol Dweck's Mindset is on my reading list

My eldest has been labelled as highly intelligent since he started nursery and has indeed pursued competitive studies and now in a competitive job that requires high intelligence. He was ever 'genuis' level though.

It was first picked up by the Head of his nursery who asked if she could start reading and nu.eracy with him because he appeared bored and very keen on learning. He started reception with basic reading but quite advance numeracy skills.

It is true in his case that he didn't do as well as GCSEs as predicted and indeed had done much better athis mocks 3 months before. Still did very well but 'only' got 3 A* as opposed to the 10 expected. He did get complacent.

He didn't repeat his errors for his A levels and Uni exams.

Looking back, I think I could tell there was something there from it a few months old mainly in relation to his ability to focus on a task.

I can relate to the "period of adjustment" required when you realise your child isn't as you were as a child. My siblings and I were all "academic" from the get go at aged 4. We were also all pretty lazy teenagers and uni students as grafting was alien concept. My son's intro to school was rough. Brain just wired totally differently. He's fine now at aged 8. My daughter is quite ahead of average at aged 4, full sentences very young, general wisdom of a grown woman in many regards. She will also cry if her picture isn't the way she wants it to be. My son couldn't give a damn. I might have to worry more about her than him in the long run.

I had a horrible time as "the clever one" at school and am determined not to put my DC in the same box.

I agree with this. It's horrid being stereotyped as the clever one or the class swot. Not so much because of nastiness from other children (although there is some of that) but because of the teachers constantly expecting a lot from you in terms of work and behaviour, having to do extra extension work and missing out on sport and other fun activities to do academic stuff. I'd rather have played more sport than done the debating stuff I was forced to do, for example. I don't have good memories of being characterised as "gifted" at school. Neither tbh have I lived up to any early promise and I'm perfectly happy to be average now . I'd push quite hard to avoid my DC being on any gifted and talented programmes unless I thought it was what they really wanted.

Also depends on your cohort.. I went to a v academic school where one of my classmates went on to be a fellow of cambridge and havard and was v average. I only discovered at uni that my average was top of the year. DH and I were also a year young at school.
Both of our children are top of their classes so considered bright but their cohorts are more average as it's a non selective school.

DS is clever but has learned to dumb down to fit in socially. He is at an academically selective school and is comfortably top set in most of his subjects but has realised that being clever has its drawbacks socially. He’s had a tough GCSE year, teachers were predicting 8/9s in most subjects this time last year but after working well through most of the last 12 mnths he hit a brick wall at Christmas and really struggled emotionally last term. Hopefully, now they are back at school he can salvage something from the mess.
What has surprised me is how such a “solid” ( his teachers words) individual could totally loose direction. But he has always been an over thinker and the last lockdown just overwhelmed him to the point that he was contemplating suicide. This would have been unbelievable to anyone who knows him.
Being clever isn’t always a blessing. Over thinking or a high level analytical brain can be overwhelming at times.

Angrymum22 I would agree with this, sometimes alot of thinking isn't helpful.

My DN12’s parents are both PhDs and his mother is a medical doctor. He is great at languages, they speak three at home (English plus his parents’ mother tongues) but he seems pretty average in everything else. Though he is sporty.

I was speaking in full sentences at 15 months but I’m no genius - that turned out to be a part of my autism. My IQ is slightly above average.

It's complicated! Firstly there's the fact that development isn't evenly linear. A child who's ahead at 5 may plateau later. Equally, a late bloomer may turn out to be brilliant. Parental input, schooling, influence from peers etc all play a part.

My dd (15) was a very early talker, voracious reader, and was head and shoulders above her peers at primary. She's very quick-witted, has an amazing memory, very linguistically able etc. But she hit teenage and decided school was rubbish. She does what's needed (just about), but doesn't try that hard. She's still going to do really well in her (teacher assessed) GCSEs this summer, but not as astonishingly well as we might have predicted when she was younger. She hasn't got less clever, she just isn't that interested. I'm hoping A Levels will interest her more. Dh and I are both teachers with degrees from high-ranking universities. Ds (13) is as bright as his sister - we are yet to see what the teen years will bring for him!

AmIaboringfart, your daughter sounds absolutely wonderful ❤️

@BigBlueDog

I've witnessed "clever" children grow up and they just become selfinflated arseholes because sadly the adults around them would gush how clever they were from such a young age. One is a supermarket manager, one thinks he's OH so clever but can't even understand the basics of driving, another boasts about how smart she is, how she went to a grammar, how "I was always told I was very clever as a child", but she just comes across as arrogant now and even got reprimanded at work for trying to tell the doctors what to do (she was a secretary).

Yes a girl in my class was always top of everything. 'The most intelligent girl' the teachers would say. Extremely academically bright. Invited to gifted programmes etc. She left school at 15 had a couple of kids and is unemployed and on welfare since. It means nothing.