To wonder about how clever my child will be

[Whatdoyouthink86]

So I love my 3yo DS very dearly and he is a fascinating child. I know this might seem like a ridiculous question but I was wondering - those of you with "clever" grown up children - when did they turn out to be "clever"?

I know full well that being clever isn't that important and that there are many many other predictors of happiness and success in life. We will be proud of him no matter what. I am just curious really.

Me and his dad did very well at school and have successful careers. Early on, he doesn't seem to be ahead of his peers in many things. He's behind in a few. No developmental red flags. Could he be a late developer, or is this likely representative of his general ability?

It doesn't matter either way. I know plenty of people will jump to have a go at me but it's just a straightforward curious question.

Well there’s two things here which make asking this question pointless imo.

1 - children all develop differently. My ds was quite slow to pick things up. He only spoke a couple of words at 2 when he started nursery. He couldn’t count to 20 when he started school at 4. But now he’s 6 and his reading age was just assessed at 10years 5months. He’s curious and determined but his learning journey his been... lumpy. So who can say.

2 - when it comes to the crunch, the self motivated and diligent children of average intelligence will win over the academically smart but lazy and disinterested ones.

I was the ‘clever one’ and pushed beyond belief by my DM. By y3 I would come home from school and be taught by her for at least another 2 hour, she would ask who the cleverest ones were in the class - I’d protest and say I didn’t need to be doing the extra work it was too much, she would say ‘well x clever ones do this! If they say they don’t, they’re lying!’. Anything outside of my ‘cleverness’ or performance at school - no interest. She even wrote my homework and made me copy it in my handwriting, this went on to secondary school. Screamed and shouted at me that I wasn’t good enough, I’d fail without her. I suffered terribly in terms of self esteem, never learnt how to have healthy relationships with others, value myself in any way. No interests of my own or sense of identity.
Sorry to ramble. But please please do not put extra pressure on your DC to be clever. They are good enough just the way they are. Untold damage was done to me.

What do you mean by "clever"? My DS has always been remarked on by others as "clever" but act he has learning difficulties and autism. He's just very focused on specific learning and can get very involved in specific topics. He struggles at school and probably won't get good grades at GCSEs. He was obviously different from about 18m, but very advanced in many regards at that point in time.

My DD, on the other hand, isn't remarkable or noticeable in normal life. But she's years ahead at school, finds all school work really easy and will get good grades with minimal effort. It's been pretty obvious she was academic from age 2.

My third child didn't talk until 2 and a half. But at 7 she can do Year 9 maths when she wants to. No one would think she was clever if they tried talking to her, but if you start talking about geometry you'd be amazed.

Every child is different.

I’ve got two DC one struggles so much and the other doesn’t struggle at all. Before they started school I could see the difference but by P1 DC1 was getting exceeding in most things. End of junior school was working at greater depth and had been given ‘predictions of all A*s at GCSE...

DC2 has dyslexia but absolutely hates school so it’s difficult to know their true ability

Some people are more academic than others but if you’re asking me could I tell with my ‘particularly academic’ one, then very early on as they simply never ever struggled and found everything easy.

I have an insanely clever 6 year old DD, I'm frequently told her natural intelligence is incredible. She is autistic and has a speech disorder and crippling anxiety. Chances are she will never meet her intelligence capabilities but her MH and happiness absolutely has to be priority. There is more to it than just clever.

My family are mostly academically bright with lots of dyslexia/dyspraxia, and it really illustrates how unreliable early childhood is as a predictor of anything.

• My mum spoke extremely late (according to her mum, she was nearly three before she really spoke at all); she has a doctorate.
• My younger brother didn't read or write properly until he was 9; my parents were told he was very developmentally delayed, but he has a good masters.
• I didn't read and write properly until 7, again, struggled a lot in school, my parents were told I was definitely below average; I'm quite academic.

The only one who looked 'precocious' at an early age is my older brother. He read aged two and was very articulate; everyone thought he'd be terribly good at that sort of thing. By age 9 he was firmly behind his peers with his writing - he could barely manage to string three sentences together on a good day - and he was bottom in English for a long time. He is academically bright and these days he reads and writes just fine, but he's not at all bright in the area you might have expected when he was tiny (he's a maths professor).

When I was a child I took for granted that my parents - especially my dad - acted as if being intelligent was terribly important and made it quite clear they were really worried when we didn't seem to be doing very well. Now I have my own DD I find that a very difficult attitude to understand.

I would also say that a child that is struggling certainly doesn’t equate to a struggling adult. I think DC all peak at different times and by the time they’re 11, the child that was behind could be top of the class!

My DH couldn’t read until he was 7 but by 18 was one of the brightest at his school and went onto to Oxbridge...
Our DD has dyslexia.... and she scores well on general intelligence tests. She was ok at primary, I feel anything could happen at secondary.

Our guess is DH is also dyslexic so it goes to show that many traits others mention aren’t applicable to everyone. Some will fly in primary and some won’t fly until secondary, a few will fly from the word go academically. It’s a very interesting experience!

My dd was speaking fluently by 2, reading soon after and it was nearly a bit scary the things she would know and do. Always brilliant in school and all teachers full of talk about her ability.
Ds on the other hand seemed very regular..couldn't care less sort of guy. Teachers always wrote him off saying he was lazy and messy. But l could see in things he would say and in the amazing interest he had in a variety of subjects that he was clever. No teacher has ever seen it. But in college he came into his own gaining a first in his degree and Masters without much effort. He shocks me at times at his knowledge and interpretation of situations etc . He has an extremely quick brain.
So who knows who the really intelligent people are??

DD was "earmarked" as being early at 2 when she could count and knew numbers and letters. When she left pre-school her key worker, ex primary teacher, told us, that she would be finding school very easy and would be coping extremley well.
Up to Y1, she was just 6, no problems, extended maths and reading. Come Y2 and trouble started. 2 years later she was diagonosed with ADD-spectrum.

She is very clever, loves certain subjects and exceed expectations. But she also struggles with basic instructions in a group and needs 121 catch up lessons.

There may be 3 year olds who can be called gifted and genius but I found the majority is switching and swapping until they settle at one point.

My friend is very proud of her academically gifted teen, the girl is a nervous wreck in lots of social situations as she just can't cope.

Small children all have different abilities.My first born a son, had lots of attention from me and my late Husband, doing lots of types of learning,all in the days before phones etc. My son could read well . write well,and write down little sentences on paper when he was two years old. From his dad, he was always closely watching him doing little jobs at home,like tinkering on the car,or mending something or other, with all the tools all around, and wanting to touch and trying to copy his dad poking about with things at the age of two.

He actually attained two engineering degrees at uni later, and joined a group there,who produced the Uni rag magazine, and wrote some great stories about all sorts of things in there.

I didn't like to use the word clever, when my children were young, as you never know what they will be like later, but I was always wanting my two,to have plenty of attention from us, regarding learning many things at home, and to see where their interests were. But was much easier to do then,with no gadgets and phones,and all the rest.

My DD was “behind” slightly at reading/ writing until about 8. She just got tested at 14 and has gifted level IQ (and dyslexia).
2 of my DS’s were on target at that age, both are ahead (9yo) and top sets (16yo) now but not (I don’t think!) exceptional.
1 of my DS’s couldn’t read until age 6 (at all) but I think he’s pretty clever and is catching up very quickly now (age 7).
I could read (properly, not picture books) by 2, and had a very high IQ when tested on school’s advice at 8....but it’s done me no good at all! I don’t rate intelligence nearly as much as I do determination and hard work.

I was the slowest in my primary school class to graduate to a reading book and considered academically very ordinary until I was about 12 and then found my feet. Oxford, doctorate, professorship now because of what I was good at, once I could leave behind all the stuff I wasn't good at.

Interesting question, my DS was an early talker, clear speech, very inquisitive, and I’d describe as bright and I did always think he was clever. He has gone into top sets and done very well at GCSE’s, but he lacks motivation to study as he gets older.
My younger child is not as ‘bright’, set 3’d all day, but very arty and musical, but very self motivated to knuckle down and put the revision time in, so very different skills.

Seeing these posts about dc reading early I’m kind of glad I didn’t pay that much attention to it earlier, as dc seem to be academic now without reading early etc

My 3 are all ‘clever’. They are adults now (youngest in Y2 at Oxford). Oldest DD has just completed the fast track graduate scheme in the Civil Service.
None of them read or wrote or spoke early. Oldest didn’t speak until she was at least 2.5, but then did speak in full sentences. She was the same with walking. Was a cathedral chorister for 7 years. Middle one was very mathematical from a young age. Also played 2 sports at county level. Youngest was very different - lots of imagination and actually played with her toys!

I honestly don't think you can always tell. With some children you can see from an early age that they will be intelligent, but others can be slower developers to start with but be just as intelligent when fully grown.

Some children it's obvious from primary that they are suited to academic learning and will do well but it's not always that simple -

• some children peak in primary
• some children are blossom at secondary school or beyond and start to excel as they find 'their' subject
• some children have other traits such as determination, being hard workers and at secondary school that starts to emerge and pay off in terms of results

Intelligence might be fixed, but learning and outcomes aren't at any age.

Early days for us (4 and 6) but the 6 year old is two years above in school for literacy and maths and the 4 year old is showing signs of being even more capable than the eldest and they haven't even started school. Fluent reading, times tables at 3 just from listening to a song on the radio etc. Otherwise a general thirst for knowledge about flags, capital cities, kings and queens.

We are focussed on teaching resilience, EI and self motivation. Far more important life skills than learning something by rote.

Also one person's success is another person's failure. I know so many people who have excelled in careers 'in the city' and taken a step sidewards or back (admittedly having saved a fair bit first) because they want more of a work life balance.

@AmIaboringfart

I have a 6 year old so not quite the age you're asking.

She's considered "academically delayed" as in she is behind in every subject at school, some more behind than others - below expectations in every subject. I'd say she's below average intelligence.

But she is good at somethings, she's a good friend and she's a model pupil at school even with her struggles, she goes back to have another go when she hasn't quite understood something. This is far more important than were she is academically. Grades and exams can be done/earned at anytime, the ability to make friends and be a friend stays with you through life.

And for that I am so proud of her. I don't care about her academic performance, at all. She's never got star of the week, or a headteachers mention but she quietly gets on with it.

@AmIaboringfart You and your daughter sound amazing. I think star of the week and Head teachers mention should be given to everyone at least once. Even if it's for "endeavour"

Yes of course you’re ‘just curious’ OP 🙄

Thank you so much everyone for these such thoughtful replies... it's really making me think actually about how I can follow up more on his interests. And I agree with so much of what has been said.

Interesting post.

Neither of my dc are highly academic though one is more studious. I received 'average' grades so did not expect them to be A* pupils.

It does concern me far more than I let on as I worry they will end up in middle of the road jobs as opposed to being in senior management or business owners. This will greatly limit their earning potential as it has me.

My DC is still very little but appears "averagely" clever at the moment. Good vocabulary, talks for England and not behind where they should be in any way, but no one's going to see them and think they're anything out of the ordinary.

I'm not too bothered about outright "cleverness" in the sense of pure academic ability because my observation has been that outliers in that sense rarely have an easy time in life. Being switched on with lots of common sense and excellent social skills seem to be much more important in terms of being happy later on in life (and succeeding materially) than being a child prodigy.

It’s so different between children
My 14 year old DS is very academic, great grades and was always from a very young age BUT he does lack and bit of conmen sense 😂

DD8 is not academically smart she is behind in school and struggles. She has speech delay and was behind developmentally however she is quick / witty and heaps of common sense. She is also a very very talented artist where a DS has always been ahead he is not creative or musical.

Both talented in their own ways