to want some witty put-downs

[CheekyBastardPostman]

For the past year or so, the postman has been making comments to me whenever he has to knock on the door to deliver a parcel. It started with comments about whether I was still in my pyjamas or not, either “not getting dressed today then?” if I was still in them, or “Oh I see you’re not wearing your pyjamas today” if I was dressed by the time he turned up.

One day he asked if I ever leave the house – I wfh, and have done so for years, so yes I do leave the house, but not generally when I’m working.

Recently he made a comment about me being indoors, I said I was busy working, he said “your job isn’t a real job”. The job that required a postgrad, keeps me busy and pays enough for a nice life.

On Saturday I was walking through town with DH, walked past the postman on his rounds, who said “Wow, you’re not in your pyjamas AND you’re out of the house! It must be a bank holiday special! And you don’t have to pretend to work today!”, which I just ignored.

I told DH I’m just not going to answer the door from now on, he can just leave parcels outside, but DH said that was daft and I can’t not open the door to my own house just in case it’s the postman.

I’m sure the postman thinks this is all just fun banter, but it’s starting to really piss me off. I’d love to come up with a way to shut it all down, some great one-liner put-downs to each of these three topics that he keeps recycling, wearing pyjamas, being at home/work, having a real job, but I am drawing a blank.

Witty acerbic MNers, give me everything you’ve got

A client just left - winky face -..

I’d be insulted if I cared about your opinion...luckily for both of us I don’t!

Fuck off?

I hate this type of thing where men are blatantly rude but we have been conditioned to think we need to be polite with out come backs. He's being a twat. Be a twat back.

Or my all time favourite, ‘let’s play a game of fuck off, you go first!’

I think whatever you say it will lead to more ‘banter’ from the postie ....
I would try a passive aggressive Paddington bear stare and not engage !

'Beats walking the streets for a living'
'You must hate that my 'unreal' job pays more than your real one'
'Most comfortable uniform I've ever worn'

I'm sure others will come up with better.

@BashfulClam

I’d be insulted if I cared about your opinion...luckily for both of us I don’t!

Oh but if you don't wantbto go with fuck off this is good!

'My job is ok, it pays the bills better then walking the streets'
'I admire you, out in all weathers and for such low pay as well'

"I'm a naturist, I just threw these on to answer the door."

I gave this issue with a builder as I live on a newbuild estate and one morning he was laying plastic on the pavement and I asked ‘can I walk over that?’ He joked ‘unless you can fly love?’ Abc every morning he’d make flapping motions with his hands. One day it wax raining and he said ‘why haven’t you got your hood up I know you ladies don’t like to get your hair wet!’ I snapped ‘are you always a sexist twat or is this a special performance?’he ignored me after that!

Any engagement from you will 'reward' his behaviour, I'm afraid. Tbh with this sort of disrespectful, sexist git, I think you may need your DH to back you up... listen from out of sight and if the 'banter' starts, come out and tell the postman "STOP treating my wife so disrespectfully"

Either that or borrow a dog...

Stop bothering what he thinks. Own your life choices and stop giving a toss.

Think you have my postman op. Mine was the same . Constant 'digs' at my appearance ( I look 'alternative') . Kept saying 'wow didn't know it was Halloween' and 'are you on the stage later' . The final straw was when he offered to carry something heavy into the house 'because you're obviously pregnant ' . I wasn't and he'd seen me the day before in a vest top and was obviously not pregnant . But as a struggle with secondary infertility it hit a nerve. Now I blank him, eye roll , and close the door before he has chance to say a thing. My husband is also very sharp with him so he knows not to open his mouth now .

I hate this type of thing where men are blatantly rude but we have been conditioned to think we need to be polite

^ This.

I always end up feeling sorry for them - thinking they much be very lonely and relishing that chance to talk to someone. But maybe they should think of nicer things to talk about.

“Get some new jokes, postie.”

Honestly, NONE of these replies will sound witty in the moment. They will just sound weird / over rehearsed etc.

I’d start pretending to be really weird. Speak french to him or do spells like you’re a witch. Freak him out.

Separately, are you sure he isn’t trying to flirt with you? Sounds very personal and I can’t really imagine my postman would recognise me while out and about

@ExplodingCarrots the hilarious halloween one. I had a guy shout in a pub ‘Halloween was last week love!’ So I shouted back ‘yeah so what’s your excuse for looking like that? Great wanker costume!’

I had this ALOT and always from men when I worked nights in a children’s’ care home.

I just used to say “not everyone works 9-5. I’m a shift worker. I was on nights”

Made no difference. I snapped a couple of times and said “you know at 10pm when you are snuggled up on the sofa with a cup of tea or getting ready for bed? I’ll be changing incontinence pads and getting hit at and spit on. So I’m sure you don’t want to add to my stress. Now stop hassling me when I do get a bit of peace and quiet.”

My friend is only in her 30s and looks well but has cerebral damage from a stroke caused by an operation to remove a tumour from her spine and is now in chronic pain and on daily morphine. She can’t work. She is constantly harassed by arsehole men like this “living the high life spending hubby’s money getting all these parcels of the internet?” “Must be nice to be a kept woman, does he know how much you’re spending when he’s at work?”...because she’s not really fit enough to get to the shops for shoes, clothes etc and when she does she has to put up with abuse for using a blue badge.

Ultra formal and polite is the way to go. "Good morning. Tight smile. Thanks, goodbye." Set the standard, you're not his mate or his girlfriend. Channel headmistress.

I'm a particular fan of "Oooh, did somebody put 50p in the idiot again?".

Either that or start referring to/addressing him as the 'Parcel arse'ole'

Postal delivery workers do a very important job, but it's still a bit of a strange career standpoint from which to presume to lord it over other people. Yes, you provide a valuable service, but as high powered, high profile, glamorous jobs go, you're hardly Elton John.

Seriously? Why do you care! He is clearly just making (not very good) jokes. He isn't trying to threaten you or intimidate you, he is making a silly observation based on the fact you work from home. Some of the suggested responses above are vile, finding a way to put him down about the fact you have a 'better' job than him.

How about 'you're being very rude and unprofessional. I don't care about your opinion, and I don't want to hear it. Just do your job please, and keep your observations to yourself.'

Or if you find it more fun to engage just repeat the same joke like he does "do you never get bored of that outfit?"... "Did a dog manage to get you this morning?", "Where's your postie short shorts?". You need to get in there first. Just comment on anything that comes into your head that strikes you as weird, after all that's what he does!

I hate this type of thing where men are blatantly rude but we have been conditioned to think we need to be polite

"fuck off" and a hearty door slam is all that's needed.

@mbosnz

How about 'you're being very rude and unprofessional. I don't care about your opinion, and I don't want to hear it. Just do your job please, and keep your observations to yourself.'

Why not just be done with it and spit on him after all he is just 'the help'! The snobbery in these responses is ghastly.