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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want some witty put-downs

128 replies

CheekyBastardPostman · 07/04/2021 13:00

For the past year or so, the postman has been making comments to me whenever he has to knock on the door to deliver a parcel. It started with comments about whether I was still in my pyjamas or not, either “not getting dressed today then?” if I was still in them, or “Oh I see you’re not wearing your pyjamas today” if I was dressed by the time he turned up.

One day he asked if I ever leave the house – I wfh, and have done so for years, so yes I do leave the house, but not generally when I’m working.

Recently he made a comment about me being indoors, I said I was busy working, he said “your job isn’t a real job”. The job that required a postgrad, keeps me busy and pays enough for a nice life.

On Saturday I was walking through town with DH, walked past the postman on his rounds, who said “Wow, you’re not in your pyjamas AND you’re out of the house! It must be a bank holiday special! And you don’t have to pretend to work today!”, which I just ignored.

I told DH I’m just not going to answer the door from now on, he can just leave parcels outside, but DH said that was daft and I can’t not open the door to my own house just in case it’s the postman.

I’m sure the postman thinks this is all just fun banter, but it’s starting to really piss me off. I’d love to come up with a way to shut it all down, some great one-liner put-downs to each of these three topics that he keeps recycling, wearing pyjamas, being at home/work, having a real job, but I am drawing a blank.

Witty acerbic MNers, give me everything you’ve got Grin

OP posts:
CaptainCarp · 07/04/2021 14:09

I have had a postman make a "surprised" comment about me being dressed but I was at uni & to be fair to him most the time he'd seen me in pyjamas / extremely hungover / with a penis drawn on my face for the last few weeks. (I was the only one in the block that used to open the outside or our flat door). It was definitely a joke as he only made it once, not repeated comments like a dick and we had built a bit of a rapport prior.

I sometimes like to mull over a few witty comebacks for people but I think you are best in going for the ignoring approach or thank you - close door.

Longdistance · 07/04/2021 14:15

Answer the door in your ball gown?

itsgettingwierd · 07/04/2021 14:17

‘are you always a sexist twat or is this a special performance?’

Brilliant Grin

I love the replies above that put down his job and the wages etc.

He's no shame trying to belittle you and you should have no shame doing it back.

And as a BH one "yes it's a BH special, I don't have to work them in my job - and my wages are still much higher than a posties"

Zancah · 07/04/2021 14:21

I think the best way to get across your displeasure if you don't want to actually pull him up on it, is to simply say nothing.
Open door and wait him to start, say nothing. People like him usually don't wait for permission to impart their wisdoms, IME.
PM: oooh you got dressed, well done you
You: silence accompanied by a look similar to Hmm or Confused and swiftly shut the door as soon as you get the parcel. He'll soon get the message.

itsgettingwierd · 07/04/2021 14:21

Why not just be done with it and spit on him after all he is just 'the help'! The snobbery in these responses is ghastly.

What Confused

He's not the hired help. He's a postie. A job we all know is valuable to us. But he seems to think he's above the OP and she has every right to lord it back if she can.

ErrolTheDragon · 07/04/2021 14:25

But he seems to think he's above the OP and she has every right to lord it back if she can.

It would be counterproductive. The postie would label her 'stuck up cow', it would only make him feel his 'banter' was justified.

It might possibly be ok to coldly respond to a comment about PJs with 'and you're in your uniform, please could you behave professionally'.

Mellonsprite · 07/04/2021 14:25

@Toilenstripes

“Get some new jokes, postie.”
Yes to this one.... you could add ‘this has got boring now’ too?
MaverickDanger · 07/04/2021 14:25

Some of these are cringe. Agree that anything too long seems over rehearsed & will just come across as fake.

Id go with silence and a tight lipped smile, or at a push, a “mate, you’re really not funny” and close the door.

Or just put a note on the door saying “in work calls, please leave parcel on step” which is what most people on my estate who wfh go with.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 07/04/2021 14:25

I’m evangelical about my Ring Doorbell that was actually pretty cheap. Other brands available. Just never open the door to him, “thanks please leave it on the doorstep, I’ll collect it when I get a spare moment.” If he tries to continue the conversation “sorry I’m busy. Please just leave it on the doorstep”. Only speak through the doorbell, don’t answer the door. If he tries with the stupid banter it will all be recorded on the doorbell and you can send it to his manager if you feel it’s necessary.

If he sees you out and about don’t engage in the banter.

Him: “Look who’s out and about dressed?! Must be a public holiday!”

You: “Ok. Enjoy your day.”

Look at Grey Rock Technique. Don’t engage, be as boring as possible. If he doesn’t get a rise out of you he will get bored.

korawick12345 · 07/04/2021 14:27

@itsgettingwierd

Why not just be done with it and spit on him after all he is just 'the help'! The snobbery in these responses is ghastly.

What Confused

He's not the hired help. He's a postie. A job we all know is valuable to us. But he seems to think he's above the OP and she has every right to lord it back if she can.

I was being sarcastic. Your last post was absolutely foul in terms of the snobbery you exhibited. There is no evidence whatsoever that the postman thinks he is in some way above the OP yet you 'love' the responses that make digs about his job and wages. That suggests you are a deeply unpleasant person.
ilovesooty · 07/04/2021 14:27

Just be absolutely formal and distant. Basic courtesy only. He should get the message.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 07/04/2021 14:27

Him: "Ooh, you got dressed today! What's the occasion?"

You: "I'm on the way to Church, for my grandmother's funeral"

He'll be so fucking mortified he'll never speak to you again

guessthatswhytheycallittheblue · 07/04/2021 14:28

Use technology to disengage.

  1. Get a Ring doorbell, no need to see him in person and you can see who it is. "Thanks, leave it in x place please."
  2. Or wear your headphones and be on a work call when you answer just thumbs up/nod and take the parcel and carry on "talking to someone."

Agree with other posters though, he must fancy you and any replies commenting on his job/what he does for a living aren't witty, they are just rude and the same as what he is doing to OP.

If you feel you need to deal with it face on, as others have said, grey rock or be formal ie open the door take parcel, thanks, close door even if he is speaking. Anything else he will just think it banter

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 14:29

@ExplodingCarrots

Think you have my postman op. Mine was the same . Constant 'digs' at my appearance ( I look 'alternative') . Kept saying 'wow didn't know it was Halloween' and 'are you on the stage later' . The final straw was when he offered to carry something heavy into the house 'because you're obviously pregnant ' . I wasn't and he'd seen me the day before in a vest top and was obviously not pregnant . But as a struggle with secondary infertility it hit a nerve. Now I blank him, eye roll , and close the door before he has chance to say a thing. My husband is also very sharp with him so he knows not to open his mouth now .
How dare he 🤬
MrsDrudge · 07/04/2021 14:35

Sounds a silly little man who thinks he is amusing.
Engaging with him will just encourage him.
Take the parcel with a brisk thank you then shut the door.
It’s none of his business what you wear or what you do as a job.

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2021 14:55

Honestly, sod the witty remarks/piss taking/snobbery, whatever. Just give him a look and tell him the personal remarks are unwanted and unnecessary, as well as extremely inappropriate. I would not tolerate personal remarks from some randomer.

lazylump72 · 07/04/2021 16:13

He calls, he jokes. you say quickly and clearly thank you for the parcel enjoy your day and close the door. You engage no further than basic politeness and job done, No put downs needed.He will get the message.

mermaidsariel · 07/04/2021 16:18

Write to the post office HQ and complain. He’s being very inappropriate.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 07/04/2021 16:22

Order a clown wig and red nose..
And one for your dh.
Wear them in all seriousness...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/04/2021 16:45

When you order any parcels, add in "My irritating postman thinks he's sooooo hilarious" as if it were your house name. That way, it'll be printed on the parcel and he'll see it when he checks the address (as could anybody else in the sorting office).

MiloAndEddie · 07/04/2021 17:05

I’d either go for the ‘thanks’ and shut the door or just a ‘give us a rest now will you’ in a sharp tone.
This would fuck me off no end!

BrownEyedGirl80 · 07/04/2021 17:10

Feel very fortunate now that our postie bangs on the door like a bailiff and fucks off to the next house,leaving parcel on the doorstep

CrochetyCrochet · 07/04/2021 19:09

This is sexist crap. Would the postman make these slightly creepy and dismissive remarks to your DH? Of course not. It's because you are a woman with a good job.

'Witty' one liners won't work and will only encourage him to continue.

Next time he tries to engage you with his hilarious banter challenge him with a raised eyebrow and a cool 'Hmm, would you say that to my husband?', thank him for the parcel and shut the door.

Or get your husband to emerge from behind the door in PJs and ask him.

Not as much fun as a ballgown or parcels marked No Banter Delivery, but probably more effective.

ginandbearit · 07/04/2021 19:32

Sigh ..whatever ..thank you ..close door

CrochetyCrochet · 07/04/2021 19:45

The problem with sighing or any show of emotion/exasperation/irritation is a reward for his behaviour and that he'll feel it as a 'win'. Any response other than totally ignoring his remarks has to be completely cool and detached.