OH wants to move next to ex!! AIBU?

[UmiZumi]

Hi all, just want some unbiased advice and views. So OH and I are looking to move house so is his parents. We have been looking at various places and OH suggests an area that I have never been to but I’m open to that. Coincidentally as I was chatting away with his parents they also suggested the same area as my OH. Hmmm strange! So I questioned OH on why they are all obsessed with this area and asked if his parents had been there before(they haven’t) but I knew something was up. Turns out my OH’s ex lives in that exact area(which is quite a small town). I can’t help but feel like they are all plotting behind my back and I feel stupid especially after seriously considering moving there. I don’t know if it’s the fact that his ex lives there or the fact that I wasn’t told and my OH and his family were planning this without my knowledge. I get they can move wherever they want to and so they should but I just feel disrespected that I wasn’t told. What if we all bumped into each other or ended up living a couple of minutes away. We wanted to move for a fresh start away from everyone that has let us down and tbh brings nothing but negativity, but yet they don’t mind moving a street away from my OH ex. Am I being unreasonable???
Thanks for reading x

[HollowTalk]

If you are happy where you are, I'd stay put, near your friends.

[Erkrie]

I’m a cynical old bag so I would assume that he wants to go and start a new life with the ex and his parents, but wants to make sure his baby is nearby.

I thought this too.

[Howshouldibehave]

OH’s parents have said they can move where they want and I did tell them I don’t want to live in that area and they became abit funny and just said well move where you want

So, no real problem now, then? What does your OP say about it?

How odd that they are telling you they can live where they want? Of course they can-why would they need to tell you this? Why would you need to all live together?

I agree I wouldn’t like this and would be very bemused-but firstly, I would never buy a house near my in laws and would never consider buying a house somewhere I didn’t want to live.

So, this all hangs on your OH’s views?

[Howshouldibehave]

So is the town really lovely to live in? Where is it?

[NotATomato]

Regardless of the ex, do not move two hours away to somewhere run down with crap schools or you’ll be trying to move again before your baby starts school.

[EasterEggBelly]

YANBU I’d feel exactly the same.
Take the area off the table, it’s no longer an option.

If everything else is ok in the relationship forget it and look at other areas. If it’s part of a pattern of him and them having their own agenda that you are not a part of, then maybe the situation warrants further consideration.

[Leavethedooropen]

Op said it’s not a nice town.

[ineedaholidaynow]

@Peppermintfluffysocks the OP has said it isn’t a nice town which makes it very strange why they want to move there.

[daisypond]

Well, I think all this is very, very odd. I would not be happy. I think you’re right to be suspicious.

[Howshouldibehave]

@Leavethedooropen

Op said it’s not a nice town.

I missed this!

So the plan is to move to a town that’s not very nice, with your in laws and your boyfriend’s ex?

Sounds like a real forever home...!

[Viviennemary]

A small town doesn't mean you live in the next street. Are you married. If not I wouldn't be moving anywhere for the time being.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

No problems from the ex although early on in our relationship OH threatened to leave and go back to this ex

Yeah this would make it a big fat no from me. It is weird that they were planning on moving here without mentioning that she lives there - how did you find out?

FWIW my DP lives literally in the next street to his ex. She moved there shortly after he and I got together. I find it annoying that she can just pop in whenever she likes but they have kids so it makes sense for them. Thankfully he’s recently made more of an effort when I’m there to make sure she’s not.

If your DP had kids with this ex I could almost see that it’s a good idea, but otherwise there’s a whole country to choose from, why would they all want to follow her to a not very nice part of it?! YADNBU

[Leavethedooropen]

What’s your theory on what’s going on op?

[Atalantea]

Coincidentally as I was chatting away with his parents they also suggested the same area as my OH

Hardly a coincidence, they probably talk about where they are looking

[TinkerPony]

"I’m a cynical old bag so I would assume that he wants to go and start a new life with the ex and his parents, but wants to make sure his baby is nearby.

I thought this too."
Plus three think this too
The whole situation is very icky 🤢
Stay put put your foot take your time.
You want the best location with great schools and amenities for your forever home.
If he want to join his parents to this ex's shabby town bye.
Drop the fake friends too.

[ItsNotLoveActually]

I'd find that really weird, of all the places to choose, why near his ex? I'm wondering if there's a 'secret' baby and that's why they all want to move closer to her. Given that they've not been upfront with you, anything is possible! I'd do some more digging OP.

[ParadiseIsland]

If you move
1- move somewhere that is attractive to YOU, not the ILs.
2- don’t lose your job because of the move
3- get married (for legal reason and your protection)
4- establish clearly you are not moving where ex lives.
(5- maybe also don’t move too close to IL, esp if far from your own support network!)

It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for choosing that area, both for the IL or your DP. Reality is that you don’t want to, the area isn’t nice and your DP recognises that he wouldn’t like iI if the shoe was on the other foot.

[Chickychickydodah]

It’s at least two hours away from where we all currently live so quite a big move. No problems from the ex although early on in our relationship OH threatened to leave and go back to this ex.


Red flag for me.

[Nith]

@SimonJT

So everytime a relationship ends do you move to a different town/city so you’re not living ‘nextdoor’?

Irrelevant as this is not a matter of moving away from the ex, it's a simple matter of not choosing that one small town to move to out of the mass of possible destinations in the UK.

[FallingStar21]

Really weird imo as well. You asked him why and he talked about his ex living there, rather than "it's a lovely area", job opportunities, schools, any other aspect? You say it's 2 hours away, that's quite far and I'm sure there'd be lots of other areas. Also a small town, so they'll be bumping into each other all the time.. Leaving all this aside, he should have asked you upfront whether you'd be okay to be moving in a close proximity to his ex, but he didnt even tell you she lived there until you started questioning.

I wouldn't just agree to this OP and I think you are feeling uneasy for a reason. Perhaps talk to his parents again and see if you'll get any further information. My guess is it's all driven by your OH. You can just tell him you aren't comfortable moving there or prefer another area and see how he reacts. If he's upset/dead set on his ex's location that would say a lot.

[NameChange2PostThis]

@UmiZumi YABU fixating on his ex when you don’t really know all the facts here. And YABU using her as the excuse not to move there. Sounds like there are many better reasons not to.

YANBU about the move. You should not choose to move somewhere with bad schools and no friends when you have a baby, even if the houses are cheap.
I think you should be very cautious about moving anywhere away from your friends (unless it is to be close to other friends), and especially if you are not married.
As PPs have said, there are lots of places you could move to, all over the country. The last place you should go is a run-down town with poor facilities and the whiff of infidelity in the air.
In the circumstances, I might wait to see where the PiL move and then choose somewhere at least 100 miles away.

[lottiegarbanzo]

You have a baby. You need to move somewhere with good schools. That should be your starting point. The good schools / nice area / cost equation is going to be hard enough to balance, without any added complications.

I'd be methodical about it. Identify the type of place you're interested in (size of town, proximity to coast, countryside, major cities, people you want to visit, transport links) and your constraints e.g. jobs, house prices. Get a map out and draw lines on it, identify the possible zones, then the possible towns / areas within those, then do some research on house prices and schools for each area. That should give you a shortlist to discuss, then visit and dig deeper into the top few.

I'd find the idea of randomly, or otherwise, alighting on one place and discussing only that, stressful and frustrating. It's so, random! How can you make major life decisions like that? I appreciate many of us move for jobs, partners, family etc so do end up settling in places we mightn't have chosen, given a clean slate. But you are in the fairly rare position of having a clean slate. Take advantage of that freedom!

The thing about wanting to escape some user 'friends' bothers me. Maybe you've stumbled across an exceptionally bad bunch but generally, relationships are two-way and for this to have happened, without you being able to assert yourself and stamp it out, you'd have to have participated in the development of those relationships. You can't move away from your own personality. Do you feel you've matured and outgrown these people, that you wouldn't make friends with similar people again?

It's much easier to drop old friends and make new ones in a city, than in a small town. If you are a bit of a pushover, a people-pleaser, that's going to work out worse for you in a smaller community.

[SuperintendentHastings]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP.

[Monr0e]

This does sound off. Does your DP always consult his parents in great depth about things? I'm shocked they think they have any say at all in where you choose to live.

Are you in the UK? Do you mind saying roughly what area? I'm sure plenty mumsnetters can advise on nice towns with good schools within your preferred moving radius. Is your job transferable or will you need to look for work also? Or are you happy to commute?. I think you should knock all thoughts of moving to this town on the head, which it sounds like you have done, and start putting forward your own ideas that you have researched. Let his parents put an offer down first in the blacklisted Town before telling them where you're going.

As for the friends, you have seen them for what they are, just distance yourself and don't give them a second thought. Good luck

[Sleepdeprivedmama1]

Have you researched the area yourself online? If it looks like a nice place to live, I wouldn't suspect inlaws and husband plotting against you somehow, especially since you have a child with your partner. Maybe they just like the area?