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OH wants to move next to ex!! AIBU?

139 replies

UmiZumi · 07/04/2021 07:13

Hi all, just want some unbiased advice and views. So OH and I are looking to move house so is his parents. We have been looking at various places and OH suggests an area that I have never been to but I’m open to that. Coincidentally as I was chatting away with his parents they also suggested the same area as my OH. Hmmm strange! So I questioned OH on why they are all obsessed with this area and asked if his parents had been there before(they haven’t) but I knew something was up. Turns out my OH’s ex lives in that exact area(which is quite a small town). I can’t help but feel like they are all plotting behind my back and I feel stupid especially after seriously considering moving there. I don’t know if it’s the fact that his ex lives there or the fact that I wasn’t told and my OH and his family were planning this without my knowledge. I get they can move wherever they want to and so they should but I just feel disrespected that I wasn’t told. What if we all bumped into each other or ended up living a couple of minutes away. We wanted to move for a fresh start away from everyone that has let us down and tbh brings nothing but negativity, but yet they don’t mind moving a street away from my OH ex. Am I being unreasonable???
Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

PomegranateQueen · 07/04/2021 08:14

Don't do it OP, trust your instincts and hold on to your support network and job. Long term they will be more beneficial to you than a shifty partner, controlling in laws and an ex in the wings.

crazychick89 · 07/04/2021 08:15

If you were talking about the cotswolds I'd say go for it. If it's run down and two hours away from your support network AND in close proximity to an ex (which they failed to tell you off the bat) I'd say fuck it. You choose somewhere, they're a bit weird, they shouldn't be trying to force you to isolate yourself somewhere from everyone you know whilst conveniently OH already has a close acquaintance in the area.

Enidblyton1 · 07/04/2021 08:15

It does sound fishy OP. Ignoring the ex for a moment, why do your OH and his parents want to move to a town 2 hours away which they don’t even know?! Does OH have a secret criminal life and needs to escape you current area?
(I may have been watching too much Line of Duty!)

Felifox · 07/04/2021 08:15

I'd just give reasons why I didn't want to move to the area and suggest an area that keeps you near your support bubble and has good schools

TrialOfStyle · 07/04/2021 08:15

Did he live with his ex? I’m assuming he got to know the local area/ perhaps made friends and his decision is motivated by that. I really doubt the ex is relevant in this. I’m struggling to get the parents though. Do they just want to move close to their son?

You call it a small town rather than a village and mention schools (plural) so it’s probably not as small as you are imagining. I lived in a small town, knew 100s of people and still rarely bumped into them casually.

That said, I would not suggest moving away from your social networks if you are worrying like this. Stay put.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/04/2021 08:16

How close do your in laws live to you now?

Do you really want to move so far away from your social circle/work?

doctorhamster · 07/04/2021 08:18

This is very odd. Why are his parents so keen to move somewhere so far away that they've never even been to? Do they have a very close relationship with his ex?

FelicityPike · 07/04/2021 08:18

Let them move. You & baby stay where you are.

PricklesAndSpikes · 07/04/2021 08:20

Why are you and the PIL's moving so far away together? Are you all very close that you want to stay near each other? Why can't you go to town A and them town B? Are you married? Is the new place nearer to work? If the schools aren't good, what will you do if they still aren't good by the time they get to school age? Irrespective of the ex, I think you need to work out why your OH really wants to move to this town if it's as run down and not very nice as you say it is. And if the only reason is that his ex is there, then you know you have a problem... especially if you aren't married.

If I were you I would look for houses in other areas and suggest them and see what his reaction is. If you don't want to move to this other town, then don't. Say it doesn't suit you and look for somewhere you both like.

UmiZumi · 07/04/2021 08:25

No past to get away from just that we live in a city and looking for somewhere quieter and a little slower paced.

I don’t really know the relationship between the ex and OH parents as I get told very little about it. I do know that when they saw each other they did stop and chat (PIL told my OH not me).

I agree with some of the previous posts, I am struggling to understand why they would want to move somewhere they know nothing about. Admittedly house prices are cheaper there but there’s lots of places cheaper than inner city. In laws live about 30 mins from us now.
I know there’s a lot of people in a small town however I have no idea where exactly she lives so I wouldn’t be able to purposely navigate away from there so I could be walking into this blind. I am quite a private person and looking for somewhere that I can just go about my business without thinking about who I might bump into along the way and yes it would piss me off if ex and PIL keep bumping into each other and having long chats as I feel like that door should be closed

OP posts:
Leavethedooropen · 07/04/2021 08:29

Who are you getting away from who is ‘letting you down?’ Where is your family?

sparklesandmoresparkles · 07/04/2021 08:30

I’d take the ex out of the discussions and discuss all the other reasons why you don’t want to move there. Schools is a big one given that you’ve just had a baby, depending on whether you want to move out of the area again when it comes to school age (and often you need to move a year or so beforehand to ensure you’re in the right area for allocation). We’ve been stung a couple of times for not checking that out in enough time, and the allocations changed second time. Find somewhere you all love. You are able to say no to the move to that place.

Griefmonster · 07/04/2021 08:34

Who initiated the discussion to move? As you started of saying "we" wanted to have a fresh start, leave behind people who had been no support etc and then have talked about leaving behind your support network.

Has your OH been the one who is persuading you to move?

And as a PP has asked - how long have you been together, how old are you etc

Constance11 · 07/04/2021 08:35

This is very strange OP, and you are right to be suspicious. I'd understand it a bit if the ex lived in a really desirable area like a beautiful town by the sea. But if it's a run down type of place where your DH and his parents have zero ties then there is definitely something odd going on and I wouldn't be happy in this situation either.

Leavethedooropen · 07/04/2021 08:35

It seems odd that you want to get away from everyone but pils are going with you. Is it just your family and friends you are escaping? What’s that about?

JensonsAcolyte · 07/04/2021 08:37

This is so weird.

Why aren’t you getting a say in where you move to?

Is it a tourist town, or a particularly interesting place? If the only link is the ex then that’s just plain suspicious.

FindingMeno · 07/04/2021 08:38

If it is worrying you, you should not agree to it. There's plenty of other choices out there.
The response to you not agreeing may give you more of a clue to the reasons for the choice.
Research other places with similar plus points to that area so you can make good suggestions.
If you can't find anywhere with such good plusses maybe the choice is nothing to do with his ex.
My lifetime policy has been never to feel threatened by exes. They split for a reason. Focus on your relationship now.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 07/04/2021 08:39


It’s at least two hours away from where we all currently live so quite a big move. No problems from the ex although early on in our relationship OH threatened to leave and go back to this ex. He did later say he was just angry and didn’t mean it but you can’t take back words and you can’t remove them from someone’s mind .

I get it OP. As someone who moved hundreds of miles away to a place I didn’t know anyone from my home town with my now ex “for a fresh start” I would advise you to think carefully about this move. Your partner has already used this ex girlfriend to make you feel bad about yourself and effectively make you fall in line with what he wants and you already feel like he and his parents are “plotting against you”.

You say you’re moving away from people who have let us down. Who are these people? What did they do that is so bad you’re leaving town with your inlaws too? Sorry to be so negative but I think you’re going to be very unhappy whether you end up living near the ex or not.
JensonsAcolyte · 07/04/2021 08:39

I’m a cynical old bag so I would assume that he wants to go and start a new life with the ex and his parents, but wants to make sure his baby is nearby.

So he moves you all there and then leaves you for her, you’re then stuck there.

UmiZumi · 07/04/2021 08:40

I have a good support network but I am not afraid to move slightly away just to have some of our own time.

We have many friends who have not been ‘friends’ but insist on being around or we just happen to bump into and I find it really frustrating.

We do both want to move and have been considering where we could go that would be beneficial to our baby in the long run.

We’re not married and we are both early 30’s.

OP posts:
Grumblesigh · 07/04/2021 08:42

It seems that you are not married and have a baby. Are you still working? If not, you are already quite vulnerable.

Then we have your partner, who seems to be concealing his motives and plans, in collusion with his parents.

Do not move anywhere with this man right now. Make sure that you are financially and socially secure.

And yes, it is seriously dodgy that they want to move to that town!

Bellringer · 07/04/2021 08:43

Has he lived there? It would feel different if he knows the place, but he should have told you she is there. What is their relationship like?
I would say no and no to being close in laws. Snakes

MoiraNotRuby · 07/04/2021 08:43

What is a friend who is not a friend, what has actually happened?

Grumblesigh · 07/04/2021 08:47

^I’m a cynical old bag so I would assume that he wants to go and start a new life with the ex and his parents, but wants to make sure his baby is nearby.

So he moves you all there and then leaves you for her, you’re then stuck there.^

I must admit, I thought exactly the same! I love being a cynical old bag. Smile

Hotcuppatea · 07/04/2021 08:49

How long were your DH and his ex together for and how long ago was their relationship? Did they own a house together? How serious was it?

These factors would influence my feelings about moving there.

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