Kids away with grandparents... help??

[AH71]

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

I can’t get my head around a 2 month old baby being sent away overnight let alone on holiday. I get the need for childcare but is there a reason it can’t be at your own home?

@BreatheAndFocus

Sorry, but they’re weird. Why are you even letting them try to dictate to you? The way you described it makes it sound like you’re still a child and somehow indebted to them. Why are they so keen to take such very young babies away from their parents? No good grandparent would do that IMO.

And what’s this about the children “missing out”?? Ridiculous emotional blackmail!

Tell them you’ve reconsidered and that your babies are too young and won’t be going anywhere with anyone until they’re old enough to choose themselves.

I tried to compromise but it was just not happening, Im just standing my ground

I think most people would be shocked and also concerned to see such a tiny baby taken away from their parents for nothing more important than a holiday.

Hell would freeze over before anyone took my babies on holiday.

@Shrivelled

I can’t get my head around a 2 month old baby being sent away overnight let alone on holiday. I get the need for childcare but is there a reason it can’t be at your own home?

My class runs late at night clashing with nighttime routines etc so we found it easier to have an overnight stay rather than losing routines

No. Too young. I wouldn't be happy with that until they were 3 or 4 and able to explain why they were upset (as an example). I have three DC, only ever been away for 1 night at a time with GP and not as babies. They generally come here and babysit if we go out for an evening and are happy to do so.

I would be very careful and wary with your childcare arrangement. It sounds to me as though your parents could be the type to undermine you on decisions e.g. discipline as the children get older. It also sounds like the parental roles are blurred and they may feel like they have more say that they should.

If you can, I'd decrease the overnight stays. Are you actually out all night or could someone come and babysit for the evening? As the children get older they might not want to have to go away one or nights a week, it is very unusual.

YANBU at ALL! Your kids and your decision! Totally unreasonable to pressure you

Yanbu
They’re your kids so you get to decide what you are and aren’t happy with. The comment about you taking the holiday from the kids is silly, here babies they’ll be happy anywhere so long as they’re well cared for and stimulated. Not like they’re gonna be sight seeing

@PenguinBarnotBird

Why are they pushing for a 4 night midweek holiday as opposed to weekend? Is it cost related?

They want a particular accommodation so wanted to stick to the week rather than looking at options I offered for the weekend instead

Did you want the GPs to take them from 2 months? Have you looked up attachment theory in children? Bonding with their primary carer is super important at this age for a whole host of reasons.

I've personally never heard of a Mother not being with their 8 week old for 2 nights a week. It must be really tough for you and for the baby. Can this be addressed at all?

I really think your bigger issue is not having the DC two nights a week. It will be impacting their bonding process, may cause attachment issues further down the line and will be giving the GP a much bigger bargaining chip with stuff like this.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution.

The only person I would trust with my newborn was my mum; but I wouldn’t have wanted her to go away overnight with my newborn, a 2 month old needs to be with his/her mum. I would be a bit more relaxed about the toddler but again I wouldn’t want him/her being overnight far away from me.

@littlemisslozza

No. Too young. I wouldn't be happy with that until they were 3 or 4 and able to explain why they were upset (as an example). I have three DC, only ever been away for 1 night at a time with GP and not as babies. They generally come here and babysit if we go out for an evening and are happy to do so.

I would be very careful and wary with your childcare arrangement. It sounds to me as though your parents could be the type to undermine you on decisions e.g. discipline as the children get older. It also sounds like the parental roles are blurred and they may feel like they have more say that they should.

If you can, I'd decrease the overnight stays. Are you actually out all night or could someone come and babysit for the evening? As the children get older they might not want to have to go away one or nights a week, it is very unusual.

I am considering changing the childcare, I said the same about being away longer and further at an older age

If they are being difficult then they don't take them. Your wishes when you are talking about a baby trumps their wishes

It sounds as if your parents do a lot for you & want the "fun" of a holiday with the kids as well as the routine of the childcare.

But if they were so desperate to take them away then imo they would compromise.

"and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us."

So then they go without the kids who obviously won't be missing out!

I just wouldn’t entertain this.

YADNBU

Oh OP, we have been here!!!

Like you we suggested so many compromises and every one of them was turned down. My MIL took it as a personal insult and behaved very badly for about six months, although it did eventually die down thankfully.

I am very pro having special grand parental time, but you have to look at what is realistic. They are your DCs, what you say goes. They are still tiny and you want to be within easy reach of them! Those are the non-negotiable terms, take it or leave it!

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into agreeing something you are not happy with.

Going against the grain here but I trust my mum and dad and we have a great relationship. I'd let them.

@itsgettingwierd

There's so many different points of view to this to consider - but ultimately of course it's your choice.

You don't want them away because you feel uneasy about not being able to get to them.

But from your parents point of view they've raised their own kids and feel they can deal with it and probably you don't trust them.

My mum had my ds for a night or 2 on holiday from when he was 2 ish. But she actually stopped when he got a bit older after a child she taught dies through drowning whilst on holiday with their grandparents. She said she couldn't deal with that if it happens and never wanted to put me or her in that position.

I think 6 months is young but I'd be ok with a 18 month old.

You say they have them for childcare. Is it a lot and often or are you still on maternity leave?
If still on maternity could you arrange something with them before this?

Just one night a week where my class clashes with bedtimes and routines etc. I had no maternity leave because I'm a student

@TonTonMacoute

YADNBU

Oh OP, we have been here!!!

Like you we suggested so many compromises and every one of them was turned down. My MIL took it as a personal insult and behaved very badly for about six months, although it did eventually die down thankfully.

I am very pro having special grand parental time, but you have to look at what is realistic. They are your DCs, what you say goes. They are still tiny and you want to be within easy reach of them! Those are the non-negotiable terms, take it or leave it!

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into agreeing something you are not happy with.

I definitely wont be, thank you!! nice to know others have similar issues

No way would i let them go at those ages. They won't be missing out on anything

@TreeDice

Did you want the GPs to take them from 2 months? Have you looked up attachment theory in children? Bonding with their primary carer is super important at this age for a whole host of reasons.

I've personally never heard of a Mother not being with their 8 week old for 2 nights a week. It must be really tough for you and for the baby. Can this be addressed at all?

I really think your bigger issue is not having the DC two nights a week. It will be impacting their bonding process, may cause attachment issues further down the line and will be giving the GP a much bigger bargaining chip with stuff like this.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution.

We want them to have a great bond and the overnight once a week is due to work commitments. I study psychology I am overfamiliar with it and I understand it yes. Also its mainly night time and not all day every day either side unless deadlines are here. My 13 month old had the same routine and she has the best bond with us still

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I can understand your dilemma - of course your parents can’t possibly be trusted to look after small children. They would have absolutely no experience, are completely stupid, and wouldn’t be able to recognise a sick or unhappy child if they were slapped in the face with a wet bib. And don’t forget, it would take them 6 times as long for them to drive the children back to you, than it would take for you to drive to them.......! A lot of families would be thrilled that their parents were willing and able to give them a break by taking the little ones away for a few days, but if you aren’t one of them, fine.

Never said I dont trust them to care for them. My issue is being able to get there ASAP if im needed which I cant do if im working can i? No need for the sarcasm especially when I've not put my parents down for their ability to care for them.

I am far less precious than a lot of MNers, but the idea of them taking such young children away is making me wince. It seems as though their childcare role has made them feel that they're in charge somehow.

I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place (them staying over on childcare nights just a few roads away is one thing, being an hour or so away, another) but having done so, I'd absolutely be sticking to my guns, and making it clear that I'M the children's mother, and they are absolutely crossing a line.

Are you quite young OP? Only because your parents sound very controlling.

No way would my dc be going.
There would be no negotiation.
Problem is, due to your childcare arrangement they think they can call the shots. I'd be looking to change it so my dc didn't have to sleep out.