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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bubblebu · 05/04/2021 18:19

OP your original posts sound a little bit to me like there are some weird types of guilt trip going on here by your parents.

Just the fact that they are not listening closely to your concerns would be enough for me to think they are not taking looking after such very young children as seriously as it should warrant. Maybe that is just me, and no i have not read the whole thread but being dismissive about your concerns is a bit of a worry.

It also kind of reads like they want to be seen to be looking after your children but at the same time do not want to compromise on the type of holiday they want to book which is a bit of an odd impression to give.

i have not read the whole thread but I would be saying no to them just based on your first post.

RaininSummer · 05/04/2021 18:20

I am a grandparent and I wouldnt expect my daughter and husband to be happy about me taking them away at all. Not because don't trust me. It just seems odd and over the top.

Disabrie22 · 05/04/2021 18:22

OP your parents are being very domineering and you almost sound like you are apologising for saying no to them? A two month old baby should not be going anywhere if it’s mother doesn’t want it to. Stand up for yourself or you are heading for a rough ride in the future - they need to know you are in charge. It will cause tension - but they will learn. A two month old baby won’t miss out as it won’t know it’s on holiday!

CheesyWeez · 05/04/2021 18:24

Some people are fine with leaving their kids and some are not - as said a PP. I left each baby for the first time with my MIL when they were about 4 months for some much-needed respite and catch-up on sleep and time alone with DH.

It helped us and the children enjoyed it. Sometimes they all went, sometimes just one of them.

I had a happens-at-grandmas-stays-at-grandmas policy and didn't get upset hearing what she'd fed them, where they'd been, what she'd dressed them in. She loved them and they came back happy and not dead.

I know I am unusual in this though and I did it as it was normal practice in DH family. My other SIL though would not let MIL look after her children and MIL was miffed. MIL had no right to be miffed, of course.

OP -Your kids, your decision, whether they take one or both kids, and whether its this year or next, or never. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2021 18:26

[quote AH71]@rubyslippers We always agreed they could go away with them in summer, they originally said much further away but we said no, and all we have asked is to do it over the weekend so we can get there if we are needed.
The kids sleep really well at the minute, and they do stay down there for a night or 2 already as childcare due to work etc, so they know them well enough.
@skeggycaggy The kids will be 1.5 years and 6 months at the time. It’s only for this year, from next year it wouldn’t be an issue.[/quote]
To be honest, I wouldn't be letting them go so young. But that's just me. It won't be much fun for the children, they'll have no memories of the time and I'd be surprised if the 6 month old settled.

PenguinBarnotBird · 05/04/2021 18:27

Why are they pushing for a 4 night midweek holiday as opposed to weekend? Is it cost related?

corcaithecat · 05/04/2021 18:27

Wow, that seems a bit weird to me.
Are you very young OP?
What's their obsession with having YOUR babies on their own when they already see them at least once a week anyway?

SionnachGlic · 05/04/2021 18:28

I'd be reluctant too..they seem a little young to be gone 4 days...but it depends on how familiar they are with GPs, if they'll go down easy at bedtime somewhere unfamiliar, if they sleep all night, will GPs hear them if they wake, how well able GPs can cope with 2 small kids for that long without you there. If you are worried about these things, the I'd say wait another year or so. When my kids were little, I found it much easier on everyone if GPs could mind in our home if we had w/e away...but of course this totally defeats purpose of GPs taking them on hols. You might have to put your foot down & say No...harder to do if you'd half agreed & now have to backtrack

Bishbashbosh101 · 05/04/2021 18:28

They seem to feel like they're entitled to take them which I find really strange.

I think this is the grandparents wanting to enjoy some fun and insisting everyone else go along with it.

That's not on.

BreatheAndFocus · 05/04/2021 18:31

Sorry, but they’re weird. Why are you even letting them try to dictate to you? The way you described it makes it sound like you’re still a child and somehow indebted to them. Why are they so keen to take such very young babies away from their parents? No good grandparent would do that IMO.

And what’s this about the children “missing out”?? Ridiculous emotional blackmail!

Tell them you’ve reconsidered and that your babies are too young and won’t be going anywhere with anyone until they’re old enough to choose themselves.

Chickychickydodah · 05/04/2021 18:32

Nope!
They are both too young .
Next year maybe but no to this year

Livelovebehappy · 05/04/2021 18:33

I wouldn’t want them away from me overnight so young. Having said that, it wouldn’t because i didnt think them capable. Obviously they’ve raised children themselves so I’m sure are more than capable of caring for them. But I think it would be because the youngest at least would struggle to be away from their mum at that stage.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 18:33

[quote Mistressinthetulips]@ThrowingAShellstrop 20 years ago was 2001! Hardly the 1970s. Even then, both my parents worked to pay the mortgage.[/quote]
Yes, you're talking about a lot further back than 20 years...
1950's perhaps?

SionnachGlic · 05/04/2021 18:33

OP...I misread 13 mth on 2 yrs old...rather than 2 mths. No...I wouldn't let a 2 mth old go anywhere with anyone other than with me or DH... except for a walk around the block in the pram maybe

OhhOkay · 05/04/2021 18:36

You are not being unreasonable just yet another case of an over entitled grandparent.

They don't need to take your children away and being so young I definitely wouldn't let my parents take my DS away on a holiday. He wouldn't understand why I am not there.

CodySchmody · 05/04/2021 18:38

I wouldn't even be comfortable with babies this age sleeping away from home at all, so 4 nights away would be a definite no from me.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 18:42

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

YANBU not only because I think it would have been too young for my babies to do that but also because your parents are being such controlling dickheads about it. they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us This is just plain nasty, and ridiculous since the babies are too young to understand, but if they were, it shows that they don't care about upsetting the children to get back at you for not obeying parental commands. How awful!! If this is a sample of how they treat you, reconsider their involvement, because it sounds like you are in for a stressful time every time you don't comply exactly with their wishes, these are YOUR children, not theirs. They dont seem to recognise that you are an Adult living your own life. You don't owe them total obedience and your children's welfare comes first, not their wishes. Your explanations sound quite reasonable, if your parents can't listen to you without day long arguments until they get their own way in every particular, then what hope do you have that they will listen to your wishes regarding any childcare issues. You can't trust them to listen. Difficult though they are making it, and I think they are being very unkind, you need to stand up to them and endure their wrath, call their bluff, stop coming up with endless compromises to placate them, since its clear their attitude is "my way or the highway," or you will still be doing this in five years time. Sorry, they may help out with childcare once a week, but they are no support if they behave like this.
I am standing my ground as I cant see how my choice is unreasonable in the slightest.
OP posts:
ThrowingAShellstrop · 05/04/2021 18:42

Christ @GreyhoundG1rl, you must have been living in a cave!

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 18:43

Sadly being a student I am only entitled to 2 weeks away from study after birth, and of course having deadlines i have to play catch up from my time off.

OP posts:
mellicauli · 05/04/2021 18:43

Your children will gain no benefit from being taken away by your grandparents at such a young age. They won't remember it and they would rather be with you as they are so young. In fact, they might be very distressed by it. Children need to know their parents are there all the time for them. If they don't feel safe, they won't be happy.

The fact your parents are being a pain in the arse and seem to think they have any negotiating power here makes me think they are a bit selfish and are treating your children like toys.

So I would say, whether I trust you or not is not the issue. This trip is not really in the children's interests right now and their welfare is my only priority here. And I would tell them you think it's better that you delay the trip for 18 months at least, in which case you can talk about it again.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2021 18:45

You are not unreasonable, they clearly are. Do they treat you like a child yourself in other ways? It’s very odd of them not to respect your choices for YOUR dc! Keep standing your ground.

ChocOrange1 · 05/04/2021 18:46

No way would I let a 5/6 month old baby stay away for 4 nights. Or even an18 month old to be honest. 1 night maximum.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 18:48

@GreyhoundG1rl

You children staying away overnight to enable you to attend university classes is extremely odd, op. Why course are you doing that runs overnight?
It doesnt run overnight, but runs over their bedtime feeds and routine and times which therefore I can't do from attending a class
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 18:49

@Cherrysoup

You are not unreasonable, they clearly are. Do they treat you like a child yourself in other ways? It’s very odd of them not to respect your choices for YOUR dc! Keep standing your ground.
I will be doing! Sometimes yes, my choices usually result in an argument because its not what they want
OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 05/04/2021 18:50

I’m a grandparent and wouldn’t dream of taking two babies away onholiday at all- way too young especially the young- to be away from mum. If it was an emergency or for a special occasion for mum and dad to have a night off but not an actual holiday!