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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

mealsonwheelz · 05/04/2021 19:14

No way. They won't sleep away from home. And your reasons are totally valid. I wouldn't allow mine away like that at that age. 2 months is way too young to be away for nearly a week. This isn't about you or your kids - this is for them I would be deeply uncomfortable about it.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/04/2021 19:15

Seems so strange to have children when having to fit it round studying/work so you can't have maternity/paternity leave

Original poster

AH71 · 05/04/2021 19:16

@HalfBrick

I think they're too young and you need to hold your ground, but on the other hand maybe the parents want to give you a break and the sadist in me says let them go as two babies under 2 for four days would absolutely RUIN someone not used to it 😜.

I love this!

OP posts:

MNWorldisCrazy · 05/04/2021 19:16

@GreyhoundG1rl

That's so sad. Of course it isn't, don't be daft.

Yes it is! Just because they aren't the mother's parents, means they can have any extended time with them? Very sad. Pre-Covid my DD stays over once a week and her & my DD have a very strong bond because of it.

The treatment of MILs on MN is utterly disgraceful

Original poster

AH71 · 05/04/2021 19:18

@BurbageBrook

Are you quite young OP? Only because your parents sound very controlling.

I'm 23 so not really

OP posts:

diddl · 05/04/2021 19:18

"My issue is being able to get there ASAP if im needed which I cant do if im working can i?"

But surely that also applies when you are working & they are doing childcare?

You or your husband would have to leave work?

Or would you have to trust them to deal with things until you finished work?

But at the end of the day, if you're not happy, then the kids don't go.

RevolvingPivot · 05/04/2021 19:20

Are they crazy? Who would want to take 2 babies away. It won't be much of a holiday with two children so young. It's hard enough looking after them at home. I had two under 2 and it wasn't nice.

Fundays12 · 05/04/2021 19:21

There your children what you says goes. There is no way I would allow my 2 month old baby to go away overnight. I would allow my 9 and 4.5 year old too go with my mum for a weekend but not my 20 month old. I totally trust my mum and step dad.

I know it's not easy working and having a baby. I went back too work when DS3 was 8 weeks old one day a week. My husband looked after him and our other 2 kids. It didn't affect his routine at all and my kids all have a good bond with there dad.

I would be really wary of continuing too use your parents as childcare. It sounds like they are already overstepping your boundaries which is not acceptable. I used my in laws for childcare for ds1. In hindsight it was a mistake and did more harm than good to ds. I haven't done that with my other kids. It's either me, there dad or the childminder. A loving grandparent bond is important but it must come with respect for the child's parents boundaries.

BirdsDoIt · 05/04/2021 19:21

This sounds tricky OP. So hard when parents won’t hear what you are saying! Glad that you feel able to hold your ground. I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. If it were me, I’d be saying something like - ‘ok parents, this has all got too complicated, so as a weekend stay isn’t possible, let’s leave it until the children are bigger - I’m just not comfortable with their being away so long in the week at this young age. I need them to be closer’. You’re the parent, you hold the boundary for yourself and your children. It’s not about whether or not you trust your parents - it’s about your children’s needs - too far away for too long - and also you instinctively want to keep them closer. They are so little still! My children didn’t stay away with my parents until they were 3 and 5 years old, and only for three nights. Totally fair enough that you don’t agree to your little ones staying away for four nights during the week.

RevolvingPivot · 05/04/2021 19:21

@diddl

"My issue is being able to get there ASAP if im needed which I cant do if im working can i?"

But surely that also applies when you are working & they are doing childcare?

You or your husband would have to leave work?

Or would you have to trust them to deal with things until you finished work?

But at the end of the day, if you're not happy, then the kids don't go.

Assuming the op lives in the same city / town that she works in and that her parents also live in?

sadie9 · 05/04/2021 19:22

Stand your ground. Your mother sound domineering and that she thinks she is still the main 'mother' in the family. She's not. You are the main 'mother' in your family...what you say for your kids Goes! End of.
The sooner she learns this the better, otherwise a part of her keeps thinking your kids are her kids. You need to keep marking this boundary clearly for her until she takes you seriously.

anon12345678901 · 05/04/2021 19:23

Nope not a chance I'd let my parents do that when my child was that young and I trust them implicitly. If they wanted to take the children away they'd agree to your compromise, which is not unreasonable. I'd continue to stand your ground, if they won't budge then they won't get to take them.

Original poster

AH71 · 05/04/2021 19:23

@ineedaholidaynow

Seems so strange to have children when having to fit it round studying/work so you can't have maternity/paternity leave

Our children were both surprises but wouldn't change it, doesn't mean I cant and wont graduate in 3 months after having 2 pregnancies and a pandemic through my education. I'm carrying on for the sake of my family and to give my kids the best lives I can. Maybe for you maternity leave is important and so you will plan to have kids once you can get that but for me I was blessed with my kids without needing to plan for them and I wouldn't have it any other way. Not everyone has the pleasure of maternity leave for months on end, and if the world revolved on such principles the world would be a much simpler place for new mothers with careers but harder for those whose life plans change without warning.

OP posts:

Mylovelyhorsee · 05/04/2021 19:24

That’s a bit young. Have your parents forgotten how much hard work kids are at that age!? 4 days is too long! I’d maybe MAYBE allow one night. Maybe.

BirdsDoIt · 05/04/2021 19:25

Also my children stayed at GPs - that was quite enough in terms of adventure, aged 5 - no need to go away on holiday together. I completely agree with PPs who have said that going on holiday is purely for the sake of the GPs - no way would your children be ‘missing out’. Suggest a big family holiday together for next summer maybe?

knittingaddict · 05/04/2021 19:27

As a fairly heavily involved grandmother I would say that your parents are being totally unreasonable. They are far too young to be apart from their parents for such a long period of time, unless it's an emergency.

Original poster

AH71 · 05/04/2021 19:28

@diddl

"My issue is being able to get there ASAP if im needed which I cant do if im working can i?"

But surely that also applies when you are working & they are doing childcare?

You or your husband would have to leave work?

Or would you have to trust them to deal with things until you finished work?

But at the end of the day, if you're not happy, then the kids don't go.

If I'm at work I can be home in 30 mins at the very most, if they are an hour and a half away I'm looking at a 2 hour journey to get to them, whereas if im at home I'm sorted alot quicker from home than work, hence why I chose a weekend as a preference.

OP posts:

Thiscantreallybehappening · 05/04/2021 19:29

YANBU - in my opinion your children are far too young.

I think your parents are being very unreasonable and they are not respecting your wishes as a parent. If I was taking my grandchildren away I would respect the parents' wishes. I think it is a privilege to be able to spend that quality time with grandchildren and I would be bending over backwards to make the parents feel happy and secure about the arrangements.

I'm sorry but I think, in your shoes, I would say this isn't working for me and cancel the trip. It seems they want to do this on their terms only. If you end up feeling pressured and let your children go you are going to worry the whole time and regret it. Honestly, if you give in you will have them stepping all over your boundaries with your children for the foreseeable future.

diddl · 05/04/2021 19:30

Well you're the same age as my youngest so young to me, Op!

I think that you're lucky to get the help that you do as I can't help thinking that a lot of people of your age have two parents still both working full time & unable to help.

That still doesn't mean that your parents have the final word though-although I'm wondering if they see it that way?

BurbageBrook · 05/04/2021 19:30

@AH71 these days that’s quite young to have kids - which is all well and good and congratulations! - but I think that being young can make it more difficult to assert boundaries and stand up to parents. I myself find it much easier now than I did a few years ago. But the more you assert your boundaries the easier it will get - you are totally right on this one

saraclara · 05/04/2021 19:32

@sadie9

Stand your ground. Your mother sound domineering and that she thinks she is still the main 'mother' in the family. She's not. You are the main 'mother' in your family...what you say for your kids Goes! End of. The sooner she learns this the better, otherwise a part of her keeps thinking your kids are her kids. You need to keep marking this boundary clearly for her until she takes you seriously.

Absolutely this. Your young age clearly makes her see you as a child still, and her as the mother. This will only get worse if you cave on this point.

SpeedRunParent · 05/04/2021 19:33

[quote shouldistop]@SpeedRunParent I don't think it's a generational thing at all. I have a baby and a pre-schooler and wouldn't expect people to have them overnight like this. [/quote]
That's why I said many rather than all. Of course, there are tons of self-sufficient younger adults / new parents out there, it's just that the occurrence of less independent examples seems to be becoming more prevalent.

novaparty12 · 05/04/2021 19:34

My first reaction to this post was "wow how lovely" my parents will not and never have had the kids for more than an hour and once I suggested them having them overnight- I was met with a response of "they had been there done that - why would they want to do that. They are our kids and not theirs". However looking at the ages of your children though they are very very young to be away for any amount of time. Children that little are hard work. What do your parents think they will get out of it?

Dobbyisahouseelf · 05/04/2021 19:34

Way too young I'm my opinion.

shiningstar2 · 05/04/2021 19:38

I am with you in not wanting them to be too far away on weekdays when you can't get to them if necessary. The little one is imo far too young to go away without you. As a gp I understand the concept of Monday to Friday as opposed to long weekends. Everything is busier at weekends and as you get older that can be hard. Would it be possible to say that they can only take the 13 month old during the week for now and can do something else another year. That would still be a break for you as 13 months olds are hard work when you also have a small baby.

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