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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Vynalbob · 06/04/2021 18:31

wouldn't even think of it under 2yrs....unless an emergency. The kids will not remember. Think your parents are being a little immature.... even if they have them occasionally it's not the same thing as going away on holiday.

skodadoda · 06/04/2021 18:31

We are grandparents and wouldn’t dream of asking to have GC to sleepover, but wait to be asked. Can’t understand the minds of some Ps and ILs.

orangegina · 06/04/2021 18:32

No the baby is too young. And the toddler is still really young to be away from parents.

A night or two nights tops. Take it or leave it

cerealgamechanger · 06/04/2021 18:32

Although the risk of SIDS reduces massively after 6 months, it's still there until the child turns one. I think parents are more attuned to their children and their sleeping habits and there is no way, I'd send my LOs with anyone, including their (non-existent) grandparents. Also, there's a horrendous sleep regression between 4-6 months and I'm sure your parents wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that on holiday! Don't forget the confusion for the baby who'd wonder where mum/dad were and why the GPS were suddenly taking care of them. I wouldn't do it OP.

UturnUna · 06/04/2021 18:33

You're their mother, of course you can say no.

SpeakingFranglais · 06/04/2021 18:33

Far too young and I say that as someone coming up to grandparents age.

It’s not going to be any kind of bloody holiday for either them or the little ones. The little ones are too young to have an appreciation, will probably miss you and might be distressed after a day or two. For your parents I think they have forgotten how hard babies and toddlers are!

I can still remember having to go on a work course for five days when my youngest was about 18months and leaving her with my DH, her dad. She was so shy of me at the end of the week and I felt absolutely awful.

She soon got over it and has no recollection, but I wouldn’t do that voluntarily.

whitechocolatespaceegg · 06/04/2021 18:33

Bloody hell!! They're being ridiculous and selfish. We've not left our daughter overnight yet and she's nearly 3. Our eldest had been on a couple of school residential and cub camps. All of us have been away with my parents, but they'd never insist on taking them away without us!

HyacynthBucket · 06/04/2021 18:33

What is it now with grandparents wanting to have children on their own when they are really young? This never used to happen, in fact it would have been unthinkable at one time. I think your children, especially the baby is far too young to do this, and it won't be of any benefit to them at all, whereas when they are older it might be great. I would be much too concerned about separation anxiety with both, especially the baby to even consider it. Why they do they want to see the children without you? It seems so weird.
As someone else said, they are all over your boundaries already, so can you really trust them? They should respect your wishes about not wanting to be separated from the children when they are so young. Find it in yourself to be firm and don't be pressurised into something you are not happy with OP. They are not your PIL's children.

Clusterfckintolerant · 06/04/2021 18:43

It's a Firm No from me.
Two reasons: The baby is too young and your mum has a touch of the monster. Is this the first time she's tried emotional blackmail? The kids are obviously "not missing out".

If she wants to "help", she fulfils any conditions you make. If she can't, then you're sorry she can't make it, maybe another time.

Redjumper1 · 06/04/2021 18:43

The problem is that your parents seem to think you are all raising the babies together and so have to discuss together arrangements. Your parents can then say you are unreasonable and big discussions/agreements about your parenting becomes the norm. I would nip this in the bud now. It doesn't suit you cos it just doesn't. Ensure it is crystal clear that you and your DP are the parents. You will have problems(especially when your babies becomes teens) if boundaries are all over the place.

Sarahtrue11 · 06/04/2021 18:43

Why would you need to leave to be with them if they are sick Be logical. They are in the care of two adults. If they get a cold, their grandarents will know how to take care of them,

Are you talking about if they fall seriously ill? How likely is that to happen in four days? And if something serious did happen to them where they were taken to hospital - you would be allowed to leave work straight away, so it doesn't matter if they go away on weekday or a weekend.

Operasinger · 06/04/2021 18:44

No way would I have let anyone take my children away at the ages yours will be. Too young definitely.

Alis25 · 06/04/2021 18:47

Never in a million years would I have let my competent, sensible parents or parents in law do this. It’s nothing to do with how trustworthy etc the adults would have been but the children are much too young. Why can’t they just do a weekend? The children need to get used to the idea and build up to long stays not be plunged straight in. Surely your parents should be working round you? It sounds as if this is all about them and it will only cause you huge amounts of stress if you agree to this. You’ve got enough on your plate to worry about as it is and you’re the parent. Don’t let them rattle you. Stand firm!

Sarahtrue11 · 06/04/2021 18:48

You said you would rather it be a weekend, so you could get there quicker.

But why would it take you longer to leave your workplace than your house? It wouldn't.

Brainwave89 · 06/04/2021 18:51

I am all for grandparents playing a really full part in kids lives, but at this age I would not be comfortable to send them off on their own with grandparents like this for days. Your option of allowing this over a weekend is a good one, and if it were me I would stick to this. It is not about trust at all. At this age, my kids would have screamed the place down if left with grandparents, and there would be so many little things that the grandparents did not know about daily routines. You are not being cruel at all.

Quaagars · 06/04/2021 18:52

I voted YANBU, as if you're not comfortable then fair enough and over a weekend is fine if you don't want a full week type thing.
Then saw your update of the ages - The kids will be 1.5 years and 6 months at the time

1 and a half year old and 6 months?!
I'd have been OK with an overnight stay at the grandparents at that age personally, but that'd be my limit - not a 4 nights holiday away????!!!
NO chance, I just wouldn't have been comfortable with that at all.

sensiblesometimes · 06/04/2021 18:53

Your children your chioce ! I never felt comfortable being apart from mine at that young age .

Quaagars · 06/04/2021 18:56

Never in a million years would I have let my competent, sensible parents or parents in law do this. It’s nothing to do with how trustworthy etc the adults would have been but the children are much too young

Also just want to add this comment to my previous post - as this poster says, it's not that I wou;dn't want the grandparents to have them that long because I didn't want them to have them, or thought them incompetent/incapable of having them or whatever.
All perfectly lovely and well capable of looking after, and did do for overnight stays.
A holiday at that age would just be too much though (for me anyway, it's physically impossible to want to be away that long, now they're stroppy teenagers on the other hand a different story lol, some days if offered I'd be like "you can bleedin' well have 'em " lol) Grin

sensiblesometimes · 06/04/2021 18:59

Your children you choose.
I would not have left mine at that age .
Iwould have worried the whole time .
Babies and young toddlers need a strong and secure attachment .
Maybe if grandparents stay at yours while you go away , so at least baby is familiar surroundings. The fact that you are not comfortable with this says a lot , listen to that

bemusedmoose · 06/04/2021 19:00

Absolutely no way I would let mine go away so small. My mum wouldnt dream of taking them away either. I think it's really odd grandparents get all uppity if they can't take THEIR grandchildren when and where they want like some kind of accessory. Clearly aren't thinking about the kiddies. I would worry they would let you know if they were upset or poorly. Seems like they have a plan and are going to do it no matter what. Plus with covid they can't know them very well both being born in a pandemic the grandparents aren't exactly with them enough for kids to be happy over night in a strange place. That could seriously mess up there sleep for a while

RevolvingPivot · 06/04/2021 19:01

@supersop60

Too young. Do the grandparents babysit? at yours? at theirs?
Obviously not read the ops replies then?
Vinomummyinlockdown · 06/04/2021 19:01

No way.

RevolvingPivot · 06/04/2021 19:02

@wingsanddreams

Your parents are being unreasonable. Your kids are so young, they shouldn't be away from parents for more than a few hours. I only ever let my parents babysit for a few hours, for less than five occasions in the past ten years. I do not trust anyone else to look after my kids other than myself and hubby.
That's sad. I wouldn't trust dh mum as much but I'd trust my mum as much as I'd trust myself.
mumwalk · 06/04/2021 19:04

If you're happy for DPs to take DC then I don't understand the difference between weekend and mid-week. If they were ill then surely you would pick them up regardless?

Turtletotem · 06/04/2021 19:09

I say stay strong and don't allow your mum to pressure you or you'll be doing it forever. They're your children you make the decisions Smile