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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 06/04/2021 10:57

You are not unreasonable, they clearly are. Do they treat you like a child yourself in other ways? It’s very odd of them not to respect your choices for YOUR dc! Keep standing your ground.

I’ve been wondering about this? You say that you’re very close to them, is it the case that your relationship is close because you’re compliant and don’t stand up to them.

I get this because I’ve had to learn to be assertive with my DM since having adopted my DDs. I’ve found this Mumsnet saying very helpful, that ‘No’ is a full sentence. These are your DC, OP, so it’s your decision not theirs.

Freddiefox · 06/04/2021 11:03

@SpeedRunParent

I have become aware that many of today's younger adults (and new parents) are much less independent than those of us over 40odd would have been at that age. I've often been caught out expecting basic self-sufficiency in conversations about new parents and been rounded on by the GP's / friends for expecting too much. This latest generation is different and it's sometimes hard to understand it from their point of view. Many of us clearly cannot understand why the OP and husband would need her parents to have such a young child to stay away overnight (my mum had five kids - single mum - did two part time jobs and completed a BEd Hons degree. No help. They made them tougher back then). It's a generational thing, perhaps that's why the parents feel so entitled, because they are taking a much greater role than our parents did with us.
I’m curious what your mum did with the children when she was at her part time jobs and doing a degree? Who fed them? Got them to school etc?
NerrSnerr · 06/04/2021 11:25

@TechnoDino

If you let your parents co-parent your children (2 nights a week from 2 weeks old just so you and your partner can work fairly normal hours) is crazy) then you are handing your prents power, and their control will escalate.
I have to agree with this. The children are so young and most parents will adjust their work and studying (and life in general) so they can care for their children. They're so involved in your children's lives the lines are massively blurred.
SionnachGlic · 06/04/2021 11:27

'^^Seems so strange to have children when having to fit it round studying/work so you can't have maternity/paternity leave'

What an odd comment (judgment!). Lots of people do it...it can be far less stressful than having just a few months off & then back to juggling a commute plus rigid working days with young children. Academia & semester times can allow for a level of flexibility than you are so unlikely to find in many jobs. Also...some people don't want to risk waiting to have kids only to find that they've waited too long. Go for it...as long as you have the means to support them once they arrive. And I don't mean luxuries.

micc · 06/04/2021 11:35

Your baby will only be 4-6 months old?! No way!!!
I think that's weird!! I would just flat out say no. A 6 month old isnt going to miss out on anything? They dont even know what's going on!! For me, over night is ok at that age but 4 nights? I actually think that's wild. Why don't you go somewhere all together? Why do they have to take just the kids at such a young age..
My parents happily take my 4 year old for a weekend and take her out, I wouldnt expect them to take my baby as well! It would be a lot for them and my baby is happy where ever, probably happier at home rather than travelling around.

oblada · 06/04/2021 11:38

I can't get my head round a baby being separated from the primary caregiver overnight on a regular basis at such a young age. For a psychology degree. Seems a bit ironic to me.
Having said that - OP YAobviouslyNU as they are your children so it is your decision entirely (yours and the father of course). I wouldn't have had my children away from me overnight at that age and certainly not away for a holiday either.
Why do the GP want it anyway? Holidaying with a 6months old doesn't sound that much fun tbh. I've gone to various places with my kids at any age but it was mainly for my benefit, not theirs. Once they get to 3yrs old onwards then they start to enjoy holidays. Before that they just tag along because they have to really..

averythinline · 06/04/2021 11:43

Just say no then.... its your children they shouldn't be trying to make you feel uncomfortable about anything..

JollyJlly · 06/04/2021 11:54

My DD is nearly two and she would not be going away with grandparents. Your parents are being ridiculous. I would be saying no completely.

RLJ1905 · 06/04/2021 12:01

Yanbu. My son is 9 months old and he won't be staying over night anywhere until he's old enough to understand/tell me if he wants to. Just say no

Alsohuman · 06/04/2021 12:06

You and numerous other pp are completely missing the point. OP’s children regularly stay with their grandparents overnight. She’s happy with that. She doesn’t want them to stay overnight where she can’t reach them easily.

Whether anyone else’s children have overnight stays with other people is completely irrelevant.

Milkshake7489 · 06/04/2021 12:13

You can say no to the entire trip, nevermind just saying no to through the week.

The fact that this has caused an argument makes it seem like they are controlling and don't respect you as the parent. The only real way to break this is to stop accepting weekly childcare (especially overnight). It's muddying the waters and making them feel like they have more of a say than they really do.

oblada · 06/04/2021 12:16

I suppose the main question is - can you afford to lose the regular overnight childcare? If so then stand your ground. If not and you effectively need to co parent with your own parents then you need to discuss and maybe compromise.

Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 12:48

@TheNugLife

To be honest a lot of posters seem to miss out on the fact you're already comfortable with them having the little ones overnight, as they currently do this regularly. So those posting 'I wouldn't leave a baby overnight with grandparents' aren't overly helpful to this issue.

I can maybe see where your parents are coming from, you expect them to help out with the dog work but not get any of the nice time as well. You have invited them into your parenting decisions by needing them so much and giving them quite a lot of responsibility for the children so I also don't see how its unreasonable for them to push on this.

In the end though you are the parent and your view is the one which needs to be adhered to, however do consider the fall out from this.

On a side note these threads always bring out the OTT bunch, and I must say it never fails to baffle me how over the top some parents are about overnight stays, poor children not able to spend a night with nanny until 5 or 6!

I am not stopping them from having any fun times like holidays with them, all I wanted was for them to take them over a weekend rather than a week and they wouldn't compromise, it's only for my peace of mind to travel if I'm needed.
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 12:54

@oblada

I can't get my head round a baby being separated from the primary caregiver overnight on a regular basis at such a young age. For a psychology degree. Seems a bit ironic to me. Having said that - OP YAobviouslyNU as they are your children so it is your decision entirely (yours and the father of course). I wouldn't have had my children away from me overnight at that age and certainly not away for a holiday either. Why do the GP want it anyway? Holidaying with a 6months old doesn't sound that much fun tbh. I've gone to various places with my kids at any age but it was mainly for my benefit, not theirs. Once they get to 3yrs old onwards then they start to enjoy holidays. Before that they just tag along because they have to really..
Please don't bring my education as an arguing point. I'm well aware of attachment theory etc etc but it's not about the psychology of it and I won't have my degree in 3 months if I can't attend classes, hence why they have them one night a week.
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 12:55

@Alsohuman

You and numerous other pp are completely missing the point. OP’s children regularly stay with their grandparents overnight. She’s happy with that. She doesn’t want them to stay overnight where she can’t reach them easily.

Whether anyone else’s children have overnight stays with other people is completely irrelevant.

Thank you! I thought I was going mad reading some responses!
OP posts:
oblada · 06/04/2021 12:56

AH71 - this is not a debate or argument, just expressing my view.
Ultimately it really boils down to how much you depend on your parents providing childcare, what they will do if you stick to your guns and whether it is worth compromising.

Alsohuman · 06/04/2021 12:57

Thank you! I thought I was going mad reading some responses!

You’re welcome 😉

Frenchfancy · 06/04/2021 13:01

Your parents seem to see your children as play things. The "its not fair" seems odd to me.

I know you said you're not young, but 23 is about the age where people are changing to making most of their decisions themselves. I have a DD your age and I can see the change but she still involves me a lot. I think the boundaries have been blurred by them having your DCs so often and it is your job to make the boundaries clear. It makes no difference what your decision is or why, just that it is yours to make and not theirs.

JustLyra · 06/04/2021 13:01

Mine are 8 and 10. My brother and sister in law told the kids in front of me they are going camping and the kids are going.

@RevolvingPivot I’d be livid at that.

As I’ve said before on the thread my kids go away with grandparents often, same with their Aunts and Uncles.

Anyone who told me my child was going away with them would wouldn’t be looked upon favourably and everyone knows the plans have to be made between the adults first because if I end up having to be the bad guy because they dates don’t work I’d be furious.

MIL lives with us, knows our plans and schedules and has never had a no to something (because she always puts thought into it and knows when we have stuff on), but she still asks!

RevolvingPivot · 06/04/2021 13:06

They know we can't take them away this year and that I'd love for them to go.

JustLyra · 06/04/2021 13:10

@RevolvingPivot

They know we can't take them away this year and that I'd love for them to go.
Don’t want to divert the OP’s thread too much, but to me that’s worse.

It’s probably just thoughtless excitement, but it puts you in a difficult position if the dates don’t work or if you have any concerns about anything because the children now know it’s on the table.

user1470132907 · 06/04/2021 13:10

No chance, they’re tiny! Maybe take them for a single overnight at their house if you had a wedding to go to etc., but not on a holiday for several nights.

Alsohuman · 06/04/2021 13:14

@user1470132907

No chance, they’re tiny! Maybe take them for a single overnight at their house if you had a wedding to go to etc., but not on a holiday for several nights.
RTFT.
Rachie1973 · 06/04/2021 13:16

Do you think they’d take mine instead? Lol.

user1470132907 · 06/04/2021 13:18

Sorry I didn’t read your follow-up comments that your parents look after them regularly. Still, this is a world of difference - kids will be in new surroundings, as will your parents.

Your kids are too young to miss going n holiday this year, and next year it sounds like you won’t have the same constraints. I’d encourage your parents to have a nice break themselves this year, if they won’t budge on the timing.

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